I'm getting ready and I check my reflection one last time. It's been two weeks since I left Christian and I've felt sick ever since.
Why did I ever do that? We agreed on 'more' but now my life feels emptier even before I met Christian Grey. I didn't even give us a chance after what happened and that's what confused me the most. I asked him to show me how far it could go but once he did, I took it upon myself.
I can't believe I ever thought that we had a chance. We've been incapable since day one.
Still, I miss him but this is what's best for both of us. If only I could truly tell myself that.
After one more look on my ashen face, I ultimately decide that I'm ready for the day. Kate is off in Barbados with Elliot and while I do miss her, I'm glad that I have some time alone. She asked too many questions when I came home that night.
"Ana, what happened?", Kate asks horrified as I walk through the door.
"Nothing, I'm fine", I lie.
"Tell me what happened. Are you hurt?"
"Kate, not now", I say as I quickly dart to my room and quietly close the door. I sink down to the floor and rest my head in my arms. I should've known this day would come. I should've known he wasn't the one.
I shake my head at the memory and desperately try to compose myself. I've recently started at SIP and I promised Jack I would arrive early. He's been easy to work for so far and I appreciate the added distraction. Christian has been racing through my mind and I need to get away. Even in my thoughts, he's suffocating.
Just as I'm picking up my bag, I suddenly hear a knock on the door. I open it and see a delivery man holding a bouquet of flowers with a bottle of champagne and a helicopter-shaped balloon attached.
"Anastasia Steele? The order's already been paid for", the man explains as he hands me my gifts. I tell him thanks and he slowly descends the stairs with the door closing behind. I walk over to the mini bar in the kitchen and carefully set the vase on the top. I notice a card hidden within the flowers and pick it up to see who it is. My heart sinks when I read the note.
Anastasia, I hope all is going well for you.
Good luck at your new job.
Christian.
I sigh heavily and look again upon my gifts. I raise a hand to my mouth and struggle to fight back the tears. I take the champagne and set it in the fridge, put the flowers in direct sunlight but contemplate where to put the balloon. I then decide to tie it on my bed and watch impassively as it bounces lifelessly before my eyes. Before I lose myself again, I gather my things and head outside.
I can't think of him right now. I just can't.
At SIP, Jack has me weighing in on submissions with Hannah helping me along. We've become really close since I started working here and everyone else has been welcoming as well. I'm truly thankful to have gotten this position.
As I'm reading my third manuscript for the day, Jack walks by and I stand up to greet him.
"Good morning, Mr. Hyde", I say professionally.
"Ana, call me Jack. We're all friends here remember?", he says kindly as he hands me a cup. "Tea right? Weak? Black?"
"Um, I'm pretty sure I should be getting this for you but thank you, Jack", I babble and he silently chuckles at my response.
Real smooth, Ana.
After work, I catch a bus and ride in silence on the way home. Jack wants me to look over some notes for a meeting but I can't bring myself to do so as Christian once again enters my mind.
"Stop", I order but he doesn't listen.
"Red", I yell and he stops in his tracks. I grab my suitcase and head into the elevator. I press a button as I try to fight back my tears.
"Ana", Christian says and he looks too broken for me to bear. It reflects too well how I feel inside.
"Christian", I respond and the doors close, leaving our words hanging in the air. I ride down to the first floor and I feel my heart dropping as well.
What have I done?
I stare out the window and let a few tears fall with the rain. When has any man never left me like this?
Because no man was like Christian Grey, my subconscious remarks. I try to ignore her but find myself wordlessly agreeing.
Yeah, and that's what hurts me the most.
I'm washing some left-over dishes just as my cell starts to ring. I pick it up and see that it's my mother. I dry my hand and answer the call.
"Hi, Mama", I say as cheerfully as I can manage.
"Anastasia, where have you been? I haven't heard from you in over a week."
"I know. I, um, I was just busy with work."
"How's the new job going for you?"
"Um, it's good. There's definitely a lot more reading than I imagined."
"Well, I'm sure that's exciting", she jokes. I find myself laughing as well.
"Have you heard from Christian, lately?", she asks and I stop breathing. I haven't told her what happened between us and honestly, I don't think I ever will. I couldn't do that to her.
"Um, yeah. He sent me flowers this morning, along with some, other things."
"Have you been doing okay without him?"
"Not really but, it was for the best. This wasn't gonna last."
"Sweetheart, are you ever going to tell me what happened between you two?" I take a deep brath before answering.
"It was just fundamental differences, I guess."
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I wish I was there to help."
Not now.
"It's okay. How's Bob doing?"
"He's doing fine. He got a promotion at work recently so we've attained some added luxury."
"That's great. Can I talk to him?"
"Of course", she replies and I start a brief conversation before finishing my work.
The next day, I'm heading off when Jack emerges from his office with some papers in his hand.
"Are those for me?", I ask sweetly.
"If you don't mind. I can't decide if I wanna run with this or not."
"Is it bad?"
"Not really but, I'm just not sure about the author though."
"Okay", I remark shyly.
"You look nice. Big plans for tonight?"
"Um, a friend of mine is having another photography exhibition tonight and I promised I would come to support him."
"Is it that man, José that you mentioned?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Do you need a lift?"
"Oh no, it's okay. I was just gonna catch a bus."
"It's late. I can drop you off before heading home."
"I can't ask you to do that."
"Ana, I'm just trying to be nice. Just let me get my coat and we can go, okay?"
"Um, okay", is all I can manage when he disappears again. After a few moments, he returns, shuts off the lights and leads me outside. On the curb is a silver convertible with chrome wheels and a moonroof sporting the exterior. I didn't know he was this rich.
"Watch your head. I've definitely hit it enough times", he jokes and I politely laugh along. He opens my door for me and I carefully slide inside.
A few minutes go by and Jack pulls up to a small building crowded with people just waiting to get in. Wow. Jose really outdid himself tonight.
"Is this the place?", Jack asks, interrupting my thoughts.
"Um, yeah. Thank you for the ride."
"Anytime. Have fun and I'll see you tomorrow", he remarks and I make my way out before waving goodbye. Jack vanishes into the night and I pull my jacket tighter as a cool breeze hits over my skin. I adjust my dress and head inside.
From wall-to-wall, José has countless pictures of landscapes flooding the room and I'm slightly taken aback. His work looks extraordinary. I'm so proud of him.
As I'm making my way around, I notice some people looking at me strangely but I can't figure out why. One woman hands me a brochure and offers me some champagne which I generously refuse. I don't need the added alcohol tonight.
Once I make my way around a corner, I'm suddenly horrified by what I see. Six large photos of me are hanging on the walls with people surrounding them and admiring the art.
"Jesus Christ", I mumble to myself as I look at the portraits. José has always preferred landscapes over people so I can't imagine why he would choose these ones of me. He wanted me to pose for some last week but never told me why and now I know what he was planning to do with them. Shit.
"Ana!", José calls out to me and I turn around to see him strutting towards me with a dark suit and a big smile on his face. He looks so proud.
"Hi, José", I exclaim as he pulls me in for a big hug.
"I'm so glad you made it. What do you think?"
"These look amazing, José but when were you going to tell me that I was gonna be in your show?"
"If I had asked, I knew you would be too shy so I figured I surprised you instead. I know it's not my usual shindig but you", he says as he points towards the photos. "It's my best stuff."
"Um", I croak.
"Do you like them?", he enquires nervously.
"They are super…large." How the hell am I supposed to react to this?
"Hey, at least somebody likes them. I just heard that a gentleman wanted to buy all six."
"All six?"
"I know right? Least I'm not the only one that appreciates them."
"José, I didn't mean", I begin but before I can answer, the same woman from before pardons us and addresses herself to him.
"I'll be right back", he declares and leaves with her.
Who could possibly want these photos of me? Do I really wanna be ogled by strangers in their homes? The idea makes me nauseas.
"Anastasia?", I hear someone ask and turn around as my heart drops; it's Christian. He's wearing a form fitting sweatshirt with dark jeans, long overcoat and looks slightly larger than when I last saw him. His hair is also shorter and I can tell he hasn't shaved since I left. I can hardly breathe in his wake and I don't know what to say.
"I was hoping you would be here", he explains and I watch as he runs a hand through his hair. Shit, he's nervous.
"What are you doing here?", I ask.
"For you", he answers. I scoff and walk away.
"Ana", I hear him call out as he rushes to catch up with me as I head out the door. I welcome the cold and listen as the backdoor opens and Christian is close behind me.
"Ana", he huffs and I reluctantly turn around.
"What do you want?"
"I just want to talk", he retorts desperately.
"I think we reached our quota of conversations for now", I remark dryly.
"Listen, I'm not very good at this and I never wanted to try again but please, just hear me out…"
"Why should I? I thought we agreed this wouldn't work."
"I know but, I haven't been the same without you. Just, come with me to dinner and we can talk."
"Oh, now you want to talk? I thought you preferred sex over talking with me."
"Ana, please…", he begins by I hold up my hand to stop him.
"Christian, I can't do this right now. I know what I asked the last time we saw each other but, I can't get over the fact that you were getting off on the pain you inflicted. I can tell that's still in you and I just don't know if I can revisit that right now."
"Please", he pleads and the look in his eyes tells me he means it.
"I can't", I say, defeated.
Before I know it, he takes me in his arms and gently grasps my head as he kisses me feverishly and I'm lost in his embrace. I slowly kiss him back as a small moan emanates in my throat but after a few moments, I pull and push him away, the same as I did the last night we were together.
"Christ, Ana", he says exasperated but ultimately releases me and once again runs a hand through his hair.
"Please, I only want to talk. Have dinner with me", he pleads again and soon, I let out a long sigh before giving my answer.
"Okay fine, I will have dinner with you. Because I'm hungry but we are only talking and that is it."
"I can do that", he says with relief. Holy cow. I'm not used to him agreeing so quickly.
"Hold on", I demand and walk back inside to say goodbye to José. He's still deep in conversation when I finally locate him but excuses himself when he sees me approaching.
"There you are", he exclaims.
"I gotta go but congratulations on your show, José."
"You're leaving already?"
"I'm sorry but something just came up. I'm so proud of you and good luck with the rest of the showing." He smiles unassumingly but takes me in for a quick hug before pulling away. I tell him that I'll see him soon and with one final wave, I cautiously make my way to Christian. He looks nervous when I return.
"Ready?", he asks.
"Yes", I declare and he leads down an alleyway before stopping at a nearby restaurant. He lets me in first and takes me to a nearby table with a window. He pulls my chair out for me and I squirm slightly before sitting down. He sets his overcoat over the back of the chair before directing his attention to a waiter.
"Can I help you, sir?", he asks professionally.
"Two steaks, medium. Fries and green vegetables and bring me a wine list as well."
"Yes sir", the waiter announces and quickly hurries off before I can protest.
"I can see your controlling ways haven't stopped", I remark as I roll my eyes.
"Don't start, Anastasia", he says coolly.
"Are you ever gonna stop treating me like a child?" As I say this, he takes a deep breath as if to contain himself but once his eyes match mine, he looks calmer and I'm lost once again.
"I apologize. Would you like to choose the wine?", he inquires suddenly and I'm momentarily taken aback just as the waiter returns with the wine list. Christian excuses him before handing it to me.
"I'll have whatever you're having", I sigh. Christian takes the hint and looks over the list. He chooses quickly and sets the menu down on the table.
"So, let's talk", I say after a while and Christian relaxes before giving me his answer.
"I want you back. I'd like to renegotiate terms for us." What?
"Why?"
"I told you, I haven't been the same without you. I'm nervous about where this is leading and it's not a feeling I'm entirely used to."
"I wonder why", I say under my breath.
"Ana…"
"Christian, you and I both know that this can't work out. You have needs and I don't feel as if I can satisfy you the way you want me to. You said it yourself, it's just the way you are. How can we ever get past that?"
"But what happened last time, it's not gonna happen again."
"How can you say that?"
"Ana, I know what happened but I haven't forgiven myself after what I did to you. I've never dealt with this with anyone else and after you were gone, I swore I would get you back."
"But I don't see how. I know I asked you to punish me but once it transpired…I couldn't accept it."
"But why didn't you safe-word?"
"I just wanted to make you happy", I confess.
"You already make me happy. Further than you know. But how can I trust you when you don't tell me things like this? We've discussed this."
"How can I when I'm afraid of your reaction? Need I remind you of when you took me to the boathouse at your parent's house? That was only because you were upset with me because I didn't tell you about Georgia."
"I was worried you were leaving me for good. Those last few days were too sufferable for me to bear."
"Why would you think that?" He sighs heavily before making a response.
"Do you remember when I told you that I assumed you wouldn't be up for what I wanted?"
I do.
"Yes."
"I was also scared that you would see the monster inside me and that you would leave for good. Once you saw the Red Room, I thought you would run but you stayed and that still surprises me in ways I don't understand. I never would've imagined that that day would come." When he says this, my eyes go wide at his comment. He thinks he's a monster? No, Fifty. Don't call yourself that.
"Christian, you're not a monster and I can't believe you would call yourself that. But, everything you wanted me to be, I can't give it to you even when I try. The last time was too far for me and I'm still confused about what we have and if it's what I wanted. I wasn't lying when I said I love you, and I still do, but how can we live with the fact that you enjoyed the pain you inflicted and that I can never be the Submissive you want?" He stares at me blankly as if he doesn't understand what I've just said.
"You still love me?", he questions softly.
"I never stopped", I reply truthfully. Even after what occurred, my feelings have never reformed. I love this man and I feel I always will.
"I love you too:, he remarks and now I'm the one that's left speechless.
"What?"
"I know I shouldn't be saying it but, I've had this unfamiliar emotion gnawing at me inside but I didn't realize it until after you were gone. I want to make this work, Anastasia. And I still want this with you." I stare at him blankly and repeat the words in my head.
"I love you too." He loves me. This broken, beautiful man loves me. All those nights of remorse and pain suddenly vanish as I contemplate his words.
"But you need all those things", I say quietly.
"I need you more."
After dinner, Christian drives me back home and I'm overwhelmed by what we discussed.
He loves me. I don't believe it. Even after what I did to me, he still feels the same. Just when I didn't feel like I was enough.
Once we're at the door, Christian hands me a small package and I curiously take it from his hands.
"No strings attached", he retorts and I a small smile tugs at my face.
"Do you want to come inside? Kate's not here."
"I'm fully aware but I have to get back." How… ? Oh right, Elliot.
"Okay", is all I can manage.
"I'm sorry." I look at him as if I don't know what he means. "For hurting you and never telling you this."
"I'm sorry, too", I admit and I know it's true. Before I can stop myself, I lean up and kiss him and he immediately reacts to my embrace. He pushes me against the wall and I moan deeply. I hear a low groan in the back of his throat and his tongue quickly finds mine as he deepens the kiss. After a few moments, he pulls away and we're both breathing hard. I reach up to touch his face and he doesn't stop me as I do.
"This is spiky", I joke. "I like it." He chuckles in response.
"I thought you wanted to talk?", he asks amused with a wicked gleam in his eyes.
"As always, you unknot me."
"I like seeing you in knots", he smirks and I see the carnal desire burning in his eyes.
"I'll call you tomorrow", he announces and goes to open the door for me.
"Okay. Goodnight", I answer as I give him one last kiss. I slowly walk into the apartment and Christian slowly closes the door behind me. I smile as I walk up the steps and walk welcomingly into my home. I set the box down on an adjacent table before slipping my jacket off and walking to the window. Christian is silently sitting in his car but it doesn't look like he wants to go. I open the box and smile t the contents. Inside are my computer, phone and keys to my car sitting neatly in-place. I pick up my phone and turn it on. I smirk to myself and see that Christian's number is still in my contacts, so I tap on his name and type "Thank you for 'more'. Laters baby" and press send. I then decide to head for my room but my smile cannot be contained. I climb into bed, turn out the lights, and for the first time in two weeks, fall asleep peacefully with Christian on my mind.
Maybe this can work out after all.