This story was translated from the Spanish story "Mírame", written by myself.

Since English is not my first language, and this is my first fanfic in English, I hope you might tolerate the mistakes I could have made. Thank you.

Look at me

Chapter 5

As the days went by, Mamoru kept sending messages and calling me occasionally.

His messages became more extensive, and his calls lasted longer because we used to talk about random issues. Since we met again, it seemed that we earned each other's confidence once more. So, having contact with him got more common for me.

On the other hand, although I did not have any chance to see Ken lately –because I would not look for him anymore-, he did not even give a smoke sign. I guess he was having a good time with his girlfriend, so he would not remember me. The fool of me, who was prepared to keep distance from him, but was not giving everything of myself to get him out of my head.

I had to ignore him, especially because he did not even remember me. However, Kazuki called me and flipped my plans off. He told me that, allegedly, Ken suffered a blow on his head during a training session; and now he was at the hospital. I did not think twice and –as fatalistic as I am- imagined Ken was about to die. Later, I realized I never asked Kazuki how bad Ken was, instead of just going to the hospital without thinking a little bit more about it.

Once there, I saw the coach and someone else from the team staff talking to a doctor. Takeuchi -a teammate and friend of Ken- was also there. He noticed me and encouraged me to go into Ken's room. I took a deep breath before coming in. It would have been better not entering the room or, at least, waiting a couple of minutes more before doing that, so I would prevent myself of watching Aiko kissing Ken on the lips. I looked away. My heart hurt, and I wanted to leave. Even though this idea did not make any sense, since I had just arrived.

I reprimand myself for being a coward. After all, I already knew that if they were dating, they would do more things than just holding hands. I cleared my throat, so they would be able to note that I was there too. Aiko looked at me and walked some steps away from Ken. She said hello and I think I gave a response. I am uncertain about that, because my mouth only tossed a soft murmur that had to be an answer.

That woman was quite perceptive, at least, because as I did not give a nice response as she would have expected, Aiko came up with an excuse about going to talk to the doctor, and left the room. I was squeezing my hand, feeling anxious, and was concerned about seeing Ken lying in that bed, because he never suffered an injury severe enough to send him to the hospital; apart from that time when he was a kid and was admitted because of a car accident.

-How do you feel? –I asked, staying near the door

-I'm okay. I told the doctors I'm fine, but they insist on keeping me under observation

-What happened?

-I miscalculated when jumping. Then, one of my fellows pushed me and my head stroke the goal's post –Ken said, with seeming indifference

-I see… -I mumbled. It was a bad idea going to see him, because he did not care if I were there or not

Awkward silence. He pretended there was something interesting to see through the window –although the curtains were closed-. Meanwhile, I was playing with my fingers.

-If you can, please go and pick Napoleon up from my apartment tonight –Ken said, after some time, still not looking at me- Aiko-san tried to feed him, but he did not want to approach her yet and scurries from her

I was proud of that cat.

-I will take him with me. Don't worry –I had no idea what to say next

-Thanks…

A new awkward silence. The door opened and Aiko appeared again.

-Ehm… I should go now –I said. Just then, Ken decided to turn his head to look at me surprised

-Are you leaving now? –he asked, frowning

-Yes, I am. Your girlfriend is here, so you will be safe –I tried to force a smile

It hurt, but I had to remark why I was leaving, to see if he realizes the situation. However, I did not have very high expectations of it.

-Thank you for coming –Aiko said with cordiality, a strained cordiality that was increasingly bugging me

-It is my duty. After all… He is my friend –I pointed it out, looking at him with nostalgia, but he did not even notice it- Take care and follow the doctor's instructions, okay?

-Whatever… -Ken grunted and turned his face again. That really hurt me

Why was he angry? Was there anything I did not understand? He was perhaps upset because I appeared when he was all lovey-dovey with his girlfriend. Anyway, I did not want to inquire into his reasons. I prefer to leave him alone, just as a mother with a little kid throwing a fit.

-Bye –I said, opening the door and leaving

At the aisle, Takeuchi looked surprised to see me leaving so soon. I lied and said that I had to go with Napoleon as soon as possible, because he might be starving. Takeuchi smiled and wished me good luck. Then, I left without regard of anyone else. I wanted to run away. I realized that I had been replaced in Ken's life. As his friend, that place in his life was not for me anymore. Aiko was there now. I had to accept it, although it was easier said than done.

As I had promised, I went to Ken's apartment, picked Napoleon up and took him home with me. Two days later, Ken appeared on my doorstep saying he was there to take his cat with him. Seemingly, he was discharged that morning –I was told that by Kazuki-. I did not want to confirm if that was true or not, because I had not gone back to the hospital to ask how Ken was, nor called him. For what? He didn't care if I was there or not.

-I'll be right back. I'll go for it –I said, murmuring an answer to his greeting

I got back with the cage and pick Napoleon up. I kissed his head and pet his back, recommending that he had to be good and eat properly.

-There you go. Now you can take him with you –I did not want to see Ken- He just ate some minutes ago, so consider that. Don't overfeed him

-Could you tell me why you have been ignoring me? –Ken asked suddenly, I was surprised because I didn't expect he would notice my change. Maybe I had been really obvious

-I have not been ignoring you –I came up with that excuse, looking at him as calmed as I could pretend

-I was in the hospital for two days, but you never appeared. Not to mention that before that you did not even send a message or call me once to have a meal together. What's going on?

-Nothing. In any case, you could call or send a message too, right?

-Yes, I could, but that is not the matter now. You are acting strange, so something is wrong with you

-Why do you say that I am acting strange? –it is not possible, did he really notice it? What a miracle!

-Are you angry at me for anything?

-Should I?

-Stop answering with another question –he frowned

-Everything is okay with me, so don't imagine things. The blow to your head was perhaps so strong that you are having hallucinations

-Does it have to be with Aiko-san? –he ignored my joke. My heart skipped a beat. Did he really get it? Since when was he able to notice that kind of things? Well, he was not as foolish as I had thought

-It does and it doesn't –I tried to act calmed

-What do you mean?

-It does, because she is your girlfriend now and I can understand that you have to spend more time with her, not with me who is JUST your friend –I cruelly emphasized, with the same cruelty that he and his indifference had been showing to me

-Having a girlfriend does not change anything between us –Ken clarified, appearing to be confused

-I know that

-So, what's the matter?

My heart was already beating faster, and started to hurt because he was not aware of how hard was facing the situation for me. I bit my tongue, I couldn't release those words that I had been keeping inside myself for a long time ago.

-Well, will you give an answer?

-What do you want me to say? –I replied, getting angry

-Do you have any problem with Aiko-san?

-Problem? I do not have any problem with her

-You have to. Because you are acting strange and, thinking about it, everything began when I started dating her

-Are you telling me that I am jealous?

-No, I'm not, but I want to know what the problem with her is. I'm sure of that

-Do I have a problem?! –I'd had enough of his saying that- First tell me what is YOUR problem!

-My problem? What the hell are you talking about? You are the one with the problem

-Me? Well, yes. If you wanna know, yes, yes I do, I do have a problem! My problem is you! –I blew up. Once I finished those words I regretted. They were not supposed to be released

-What? –he looked really confused

-You are the problem! You are my problem! 'Cause it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that, I can't accept that I can't be with you, and that hurts! –I finally confessed, feeling a knot in my throat

-What are you talking about? –he did not understand anything

-What am I talking about? LOOK AT ME. That is what I am talking about! Look at me! I have been talking about that for more than ten years! Look at me…but you never did it –I complained, my eyes full of tears

-What?

-I am just a friend for you, but I wished that this would change some day. However, reality hit my face when I realized that would never happen, because you never saw me as a woman. I acknowledged it when you chose a woman quite different from me. So, I do not even know what I was really expecting from you

-… -Ken looked at me very confused. Obviously he did not understand what I was saying

-I liked you –I confessed, looking at him with a mix of anger and pain- I like you. I couldn't say it before, but it's true…

-What? –he was quite wide-eyed. Well, I guess I already expected that kind of reaction

-Since a long time ago I don't see you only as a friend. I like you, I feel attracted by you. I even think that…I have fallen in love with you –I kept saying. There was no reason for saving anything inside my heart, since with every word I felt more and more relieved- I have been waiting in vain for you to feel the same for me. Although I can't blame you, because that was only a mere illusion I made up for myself

-Are you serious? –he asked with the face of "this ought to be a bad joke", and that really offended me. How could he think I would joke with that matter?

-Of course I'm serious!

-But…

-Avoid answering, I don't need it. I already know what you are gonna say –I cut him. My heart hurt ever more- "I'm sorry, but I see you only as a friend", right? –I forced a smile, he said nothing. When he looked down I knew I had hit the nail on the head- That's the reason of why I have been ignoring you, because I need to stay away from you. I want to cut our routine out, because I don't feel okay when I see you being along with Aiko. That hurts me, and I can't be such a masochistic pretending that everything is fine

-I didn't know –he muttered

-Of course you didn't know, you never knew it. If I don't tell you, you would never know about it –I complained- You are a dumb…

Ken looked at me with concern. I guess he could at least deduced how bad I was feeling because of him.

-Thereby, we should keep distance between us. You are okay with Aiko, and I don't fit in your life on that way anymore

-But you are still my friend –he alleged, as trying to solve everything just saying those simple words. He might be cruel and naïve at the same time

-Yes, I am, but it hurts. Don't you get it?

-Not entirely…

-Hehe, then I will summarize it for you. I don't want to see you because you are with someone else, and being with you while you are with her is painful for me. You are with someone else whom you do consider a real woman. Is it clear now? So, it would be better if you get used to not seeing me as usual. Although that won't be so hard for you –I added sarcastically- After all, you have done very well in the last weeks –he said nothing- It is sad to realize that I was giving more than I should. That the only indication I left was an empty refrigerator or a cat who doesn't want to eat; that the only living being who noticed I was not there was your cat, the same and only one who is gonna miss me in your apartment. Even though, he might forget me if you give some tuna to him –I said, grieved. I know Napoleon is an animal and doesn't think, but that reasoning did not ease my pain

-I…

-Get out –I asked him. I did not want to listen to him. I did not want regrets. I did not want him to comfort me, I did not want his compassion- I have already humiliated myself enough, so please get out

-I leave, but we need to talk about this again –Ken said, taking the cage and heading to the door

-No, we don't. We are not going to talk about this anymore. This issue was already settled, and I won't say anything else about it. I told what I had to tell you, and I feel better now because you know it

-You are unfair

-Not as much as you during all this time –I replied, clenching my fists

Ken did not say anything else, just looked at me and left. When I closed the door, I just dropped down on the floor and bitterly cried. I already knew that my confession was going to have such a bad answer, but I could not imagine that it would be that hard. It had been more painful than expected.

I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't tell someone about my situation, so the next day I called up Naoko to get all my pain off my chest. She listened to me patiently, word by word, curse by curse. Although I do not know how much she could understand, since I was crying and talking at the same time. So, I guess what I said was not clear enough.

Naoko is able to understand me as no one else can, because she is not only my bestie but a woman. This last detail makes a big difference between talking to her and to Kazuki. He understands me, I can't deny it, but sometimes his point of view might be lightly different from mine. As a man, he gives very simple and nonsense solutions to some important and serious matters for me. The relationship between Ken and me was one of those matters. So, at that time I needed someone telling me "yeah, you're right", not a "you are exaggerating things, you have to learn to lose".

Thus, in the knowledge that I was going through a very bad moment, Naoko came to Nagoya to be with me. I can't tell how grateful I was. However, since she has a family, I could not be selfish and not consider that. So, after two days I asked her to go back to Tokyo, and she insisted I should go with her. I couldn't, I was studying and had been missing school lately. That was my excuse for not going with her.

Nevertheless, as Naoko is as she is –she is the most stubborn and manipulative person I have ever known-, eventually my friend managed to convince me to go with them to Yokohama that weekend. If I didn't go she would be worried thinking about me, and it might be possible to neglect Mizuki –her little child- because of that.

I had to break my resistance, I was left with no other alternative. All in all, I also wanted to leave Nagoya for a while. Thus, I took the chance not only for the weekend but also for some more days –days off in the University- and went to Yokohama. I told Kazuki something about it. Actually, I told him about what had happened with Ken. That he already knew about my feelings, and I needed to keep some distance.

Predictably, my best friend said I was being very dramatic on the matter, but having been honest with Ken was good. When Naoko learned what Kazuki said, she called him up to insult him and then hung up. She felt outraged by the insensitivity of the "men syndicate". I think Kazuki never comprehended why he received the insult, hahaha, but he deserved it.

Although, ironically, Naoko herself was very insensitive on her own way, because even when she was well intended, on my second day in Yokohama, Naoko had already planned having a lunch with some friend of her. A "coincidentally" single friend. I wanted to die -of shame or rage, I don't know-, but I did not want to be there.

That guy was quite handsome, I must admit it, and appeared to be a nice person. However, I didn't like him even a little nor had any sympathy for him for no special reason. When being with someone who is not to my taste and, incidentally, is a stranger; I might be blunt and less sociable. So Naoko threatened me just with a look, trying to convince me to talk to that guy, but what could I do? I couldn't fake and pretend I wanted to know more about him. I did not feel good, I was still sad, but Naoko did not consider that.

I made up a story –that I wanted some specific ice cream-, and flew from that place. Half an hour later Naoko called me up wanting to know where I was. I lied saying I was lost –which was credible because I am not an orientated person-, but I would ask someone for directions, so I would go back to her house. I hung up and mentally apologized for lying to her. Then I turned my cellphone off, I didn't want to be insisted on meeting her friend and I didn't want to go back.

I sat on a park bench, looking absently at the people passing by. Some of them were walking with their dogs. One of those dogs –which was unleashed- approached me and let me pat its back. Some minutes later he seemingly had enough and returned with its owner, who was lovey-dovey with a woman, his girlfriend I guess.

I giggled when I saw the woman being startled by the barking dog, they had not seen him approaching. She looked like she didn't like the animal. Then, I don't know why, I started thinking about I always liked dogs –even though I could never have one because they were not allowed at Toho's internship-. I don't dislike cats, but I prefer dogs, they are nicer. However, I had come to really love Napoleon, maybe because I have known him since he is a kitten, and I fed and took care of him along with Ken since he rescued him from a box in the middle of the rain. It might perhaps sound corny, but it was like raising a child together, because we have been always very concerned about that cat.

Napoleon…I really miss him. I was hoping he was eating properly and being friendly to Aiko –I truly mean it-. Otherwise, Ken may be angry with him and I could not be there to defend him. Hmmm… Come to think of it, Ken never told me why he chosen that name for the cat. At the beginning he was satisfied calling him "Neko". It is not original at all, I know, but you have to consider that the name of his dog is Mumei (anonymous). So don't expect much from him.

I just remember that he started to call "Napoleon" to his cat some time afterwards a couple of friendly games the Japanese team played against some European teams. Maybe he liked one of the French player's last name –to whom I had the chance to meet-. Who knows? Ken's mind and how it works are an absolute mystery.

I left wondering nothing at all for a while. Suddenly, as realizing where I was, I remembered Mamoru and decided to send him a text message. Needless to say that I wouldn't tell him why I was in Yokohama –grieving after being rejected-. So I just said I was in the city and we might meet if he had free time. Fortunately for me, Mamoru was free that night, so we planned meeting later.

Thinking about it now, it would have been better if I didn't send any message to him, thus my chaotic life wouldn't get messier.

As soon as Naoko knew about my meeting with Mamoru, she forced me to dress a "special occasion's outfit" –a so low-cut blouse and a so short skirt that I felt very ashamed only by seeing them-. I looked almost naked, and said I would not go out dressing like that. Naoko knows how stubborn I can get, so I could dress the way I wanted. I mean, I chose a nice outfit, because even when we did not admit it, that meeting seemed a date. So I dressed appropriately for the occasion, but not being half naked as Naoko wanted.

Paola Wakabayashi, Naoko Hoshigawa, Aiko Fujimiya and Napoleon (the cat) are OC characters created by Tsuki_W.

All the Captain Tsubasa's characters belong to Yoichi Takahashi and Shueisha.

Thank you for reading!