2:54 am

January 1st, 1206

Some people would use staying in a hotel, and thus not having to pay the water bill, as an excuse to take a long shower. Neithardt was not one of those people. He had always preferred short showers, even prior to his enlistment. His current situation encouraged him to speed it up even more than usual- while still being thorough, of course. The longer he spent cleaning himself, the less time he got to spend with Fiona. Not that they hadn't considered sharing; it was just that experience told them that doing so had a way of forcing 'getting clean' to the absolute bottom of their activity list, thus defeating the purpose. Every few encounters they would tell each other that they had developed enough self-control to restrain themselves and try it again. They had yet to be correct.

Fiona always showered first, of course. It was one of the few things Neithardt insisted on with her and one of his few insistences she was happy to indulge. He dried himself and knocked on the door. "Are you decent?" he called out, pulling on sleepwear that had come into the bathroom with him. It might seem an odd move, given the circumstances, but they had agreed it was the right course of action. Neither wanted to shower a fourth time that night.

"Yes, I am," came the response, her smile audible. Neithardt opened the door separating bedroom and bathroom. He was greeted by the most beautiful sight he had ever seen, rivaled only by every other time he had been lucky enough to look at her.

Fiona was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking into the hotel room mirror and brushing her hair, pausing to smile at Neithardt as he walked over to join her. "Would you, please?" she asked, holding the brush out to him.

He took it, along with a kiss, and continued her work where she had left off. Fiona sighed with contentment, watching them in the mirror.

"What's wrong?" Neithardt asked, keeping up the smooth rhythm of his strokes.

"Nothing's wrong," said Fiona.

"You don't wistfully stare at your own reflection over nothing." Neithardt leaned in to give a comforting nuzzle to the crook of her neck. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Seconds passed with no response, the only noise coming from the movement of the brush through hair. Fiona closed her eyes. "Maybe." She reached up and took the brush from Neithardt, tossing it on a nightstand. "Hold me?" she asked as she leaned into him. Neithardt's arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her close.

"...What would you want to do on a date?" Fiona asked.

Neithardt thought for a moment before speaking. "I would take you horseback riding in the Lunaria Nature Park. Afterwards we could go to the Grand Market in Celdic and enjoy ourselves."

Fiona looked at Neithardt through half-lidded eyes. "Did you choose the nature park because you know I love forests?"

A light blush developed on Neithardt's cheeks and he held her tighter. "I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss classified information."

"Sounds like fun," Fiona said.

Neithardt knew a sad smile when he saw one. "I'm sor-"

"Don't." Fiona's eyes shot open and she stuck a finger in his face. "Don't you dare apologize for this, Gerhard. It's not your fault." Experience told him that going down that path would just lead to a fresh installment of their never-ending argument. No matter how many times she said that, Neithardt still felt like it was. And no matter how many times he said that, Fiona insisted it wasn't. It would have pulled a smile out of someone with a bleaker sense of humor; they loved each other too much to agree. So instead, he stroked her and waited.

When she could tell he wasn't going to lead them down that road again, she closed her eyes and continued, snuggling into him as she spoke. "Anyways, that's not even what I'm upset about. No, I'm sorry, I can't say that. I am upset about it. But I didn't have to be such a bitch about it."

Neithardt tilted his head, confused.

"Elliot's been talking about Fie coming for the last month. Just nonstop, telling everyone he met about how excited he was and what he had planned," Fiona explained. "She means so much to him and I've just been horrible to her. And him, about her. I told myself that it was part of my sisterly duties, that I was just trying to protect him, but that was a baldfaced lie. I haven't seen Elliot this happy in his entire life, I should be happy for him and I'm not." Neithardt could feel her shoulders start shaking. "All I feel is jealousy. I'm jealous he can tell people about it, jealous they can go out together in public, jealous that he can kiss her in the kitchen and not care if anyone sees. Some big sister I am, I can't even be happy for my little brother."

Neithardt didn't know what to say.

"I don't know what to do," Fiona said. "I want to be happy for him, and I can't make myself. I tried to be when he helped me make dinner and I couldn't. I want to introduce you to people as my boyfriend, I want to be able to tell you I love you without having to be behind closed doors."

Neithardt cupped her cheek and kissed her gently. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"I'm due for a promotion soon, it's been not-so-subtly hinted to me," he said as his thumb wiped away the tears of frustration collecting in the corners of her eyes. "Just a couple more and they won't be able to use us against us. No more secrets."

Fiona nodded. "Soon."

"Soon." But it had always been soon.

They rose to turn off the lights and get into bed together, far preferable to being on top of it. "I can't believe I ever thought spooning with you was uncomfortable," Fiona said, trying to lighten the mood before they drifted off.

Neithardt smiled and kissed her shoulder. "The benefits were worth learning to deal with the drawbacks," he said. It had taken a few tries to find a positioning that didn't make his arm fall asleep.

"Oh those amazing benefits," Fiona said with a little wiggle against him.

Neithardt chuckled. "Indeed."

Sleep took her quickly. He tried to join her, but her words kept him awake. Fiona deserved so much better than their situation. Neithardt learned a long time ago that playing the 'If' game was at best demoralizing and worst counter-productive, but he couldn't stop himself. If he was under a different general. If he was in a different line of work. If he resigned his commission. While working at Thors, he brought the idea up to Fiona of him making a career change and becoming a full time teacher. She was having none of it. "Tell me you wouldn't regret it. Making yourself miserable is not a way to make us happy," she had said. How had he ever gotten lucky enough to wind up with such an amazing woman in his arms and in his heart, let alone finding a place in hers.

It was not fair, not at all. Neithardt knew for a fact that other people had far darker secrets than his, far crueler and horrible secrets than simply two adults loving each other, and they were able to do as they pleased with almost no consequence.

There had to be something he could do for her, for them. But how?

…

Huh. Maybe…