Chapter 13: Solutions
They got home from the bowling alley at eleven and went right to the bedroom to get ready for bed. While she was changing, Chris thought about the conversation she had with Fin. She couldn't decide what to do about the feelings she was having for Amanda. One part of her wanted to go for it like Fin suggested. The other part of her was fighting like hell against feeling anything real. It wasn't that Amanda was the first straight woman she'd ever been with but she was the first that she'd ever had any real feelings for. Straight women were never in it for the long haul. They were always just vacationing, checking out the scenery. They'd partake in the festivities and then go back to their boyfriends when they'd had their fill. Chris couldn't do that. She had nothing and no one to go back to. This was her life. What happened when Amanda's curiosity about being with another woman wore off and she wanted to go back to dating men again? She wouldn't allow herself to used and then put back on the shelf like some product she was trying out. She wouldn't allow herself to be hurt.
She went over and laid down next to Amanda in bed and turned her back to her. Amanda could tell that something was on Chris' mind. She'd just watched her stand by the closet for five minutes just staring into space, obviously thinking about something. She thought maybe it had something to do with the conversation she'd had with Fin at the bowling alley but she wasn't sure if she should ask. After laying there silently for fifteen minutes, not able to fall asleep, she decided she'd try to talk to her about it.
"Christina" she whispered, "are you asleep?"
"No" she whispered back.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing" she said. She was still trying to sort her feelings out and she didn't want Amanda's help doing it.
"What were you and Fin talking about earlier?"
"Nothing" she lied. Amanda reached out and put her hand on Chris' shoulder, pulling on her to force her to turn over. Chris resisted her tug and pulled the covers higher over her. Amanda put her hand back on her shoulder and pulled her again. Chris shrugged from under Amanda's touch, "Stop it" she said harshly.
"What did I do?" She didn't know where this attitude was coming from. She couldn't figure out where things had gone wrong between them.
"Nothing" she repeated for the third time. She really just wanted Amanda to leave her alone and go to sleep.
"Well, why are you mad at me?" she asked, not giving up on finding out what was wrong.
"I'm not" she said, annoyance evident in her voice.
"Well, why are you mad?" Amanda asked amending her question.
"I'm not mad" she answered angrily. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to control her temper, "I'm not mad" she said in a calmer tone. Amanda didn't know what else to say or ask to get her to talk about what was going on with her. She just laid there and stared at Christina's back. Chris finally turned over and looked at Amanda. She immediately felt bad when she saw the sadness in her eyes. "I'm really not mad, ok. I promise".
"Something's bothering you. What is it?" she asked. She didn't know if what she had to say would hurt Amanda's feelings. She wasn't even sure what she wanted to say. Her thoughts were all jumbled and Amanda wasn't giving her a chance to work through them. She just decided to say what was on her mind and hope that by the end, everything made sense to both her and Amanda.
"You're really into this whole thing" she said softly, "This relationship".
"I thought that's what you wanted" she said confused. "I put my feelings aside. I've gotten more comfortable with the idea of being with you".
"You've gotten too comfortable, Amanda" she said. "The cameras aren't even up yet and you're kissing me and cuddling with me. When I said to put your feelings aside, I was talking about how you were acting in public; not private". Amanda thought she was doing a good job of masking her actions as just being part of the job. Truthfully, she really wanted to figure out what it'd be like to date Christina. It'd been nice so far. She was completely comfortable with her feelings for Chris and was considering talking to her about trying to make it work once this case was over.
"I…I just…" She wasn't sure to explain herself.
"I get it, that you like me. I like you too" she admitted. Amanda was surprised to hear Christina say that she liked her back. She was sure that she was just playing along for the sake of the case. "I just….I don't think it's a good idea for us to get too comfortable in this arrangement" she said.
"Why not?" Amanda asked disappointed. "We like each other and I think we work really well together. Why shouldn't we see where this could go?"
"Because you're straight, Amanda" she said bluntly. "I'm not interested in being you're science experiment; someone for your to test out your fantasies on".
"That's not what I'm doing" Amanda said defensively. "Let me remind you, that I was forced to do this same as you".
"Uh, if I remember correctly it was you who talked me into doing this" Chris corrected her. "Just admit it, Amanda. Whatever you're reservations were, you wanted to know what it would be like to be with a woman; to be with me". Amanda's silence was all the confirmation she needed. "I'm not a shoe. You can't try me on to see if I'm a fit".
"That's not what I want" Amanda said honestly. "I really….want to be with you" she said hesitantly. "It's not an experiment". She put her hand under Chris' chin and lifted her head until their eyes met. "It's not an experiment" she said in her low sultry southern accent. Christina's stomach was doing back flips and her heart felt like a hammer pounding in her chest. It was so loud it was drowning out the thoughts in her head that were telling her that this was a mistake. She put her hand on the back of Amanda's head and pulled her into a smoldering kiss. She abandoned all common sense. Every fiber of her mind was screaming "Don't do it" while every bone in her body ached for their connection. Amanda's mind was going a million miles a minute. Christina felt so amazing; more amazing than any man she'd ever been with. Her lips were so soft and her touch was firm but gentle. Christina rolled on top of Amanda, continuing to explore the inside of her mouth with her tongue. She moved her legs so they rested on either side of her hips. She was getting more and more nervous as things became more and more heated. Chris' hand slid under her shirt and lightly caressed her skin, sending a shiver through her. Her tongue skimmed across the roof of her mouth and her lips pressed gently against her own. Her hand moved up and cup her breast and she ran her tongue along her lips before pulling away and looking deep into her eyes. She looked for something, anything that would tell her that this was a mistake. Anything that would say "Don't be fooled. She's using you. Fight it". She searched and she couldn't find it.
Amanda searched Christina's eyes for some indication of what she was thinking. She wondered if she could see her nerves. She was more afraid now than ever. More afraid than being cornered by her deputy chief. More afraid than when she was doubled over in pain on the ground at a gas station. More afraid than in the captain's office in jeopardy of losing her badge, than when she was in jail, than when she was laying on the ground in a pool of her own blood with a hole in her shoulder. More afraid now than ever. Love was a scary thing. "Love" she thought to herself. "Is this love?" Christina could see every ounce of fear in her. She rolled over to lay down at her side and continued to stare into her deep blue portals.
"I should be the one who's afraid" Christina said in a whisper. She got up and walked out of the bedroom, leaving Amanda laying there alone. She sat on the couch with her back against the armrest and stared out the living room window. Frannie jumped up on the couch with her and laid her head in her lap. Chris pet her head and played with her ears and Frannie snuggled into her, offering herself as a friend. Amanda walked silently into the living room and sat on the other end of the couch. She watched quietly as Chris played with Frannie.
"I know that I didn't seem open to being with you or any woman for that matter" she said breaking the silence, "but it wasn't about being gay or not being gay. I'm fine with gay people. Fin's son is gay and we help gay victims all the time. I like gay people". Chris smiled at the way Amanda was rambling similar to the way she did when she drank too much coffee. "It was about me, about knowing something about myself and being secure. Then all of sudden, there's this new piece that I didn't see coming. Has that ever happened to you?" she asked. Chris shook her head no but didn't look up at Amanda. "Well, you did that to me. Nobody's ever done that to me before; made me question who I am. But I'm secure again. I…I want this to work out. I want us to work out….even when this is over". Chris stared at Frannie and continued to rub her ears as she laid in her lap. "And I'm afraid, same as you are, that it…that it might not but I still want to try".
"I don't think we're afraid of the same thing" Chris said quietly. "I'm afraid of…." Chris paused for a moment to think about whether she wanted to admit what her fear was about. "I'm not afraid of who I am. I've known that for a long time and no one's ever made me question myself, so I don't know….what you're feeling. I'm not worried that it won't work out, I'm…just afraid" she said deciding to avoid saying what her real fear was. "But I….I want to try too" she admitted. "So we'll just keep going the same way we've been for the last few days and uh, we'll see what happens, I guess". She finally looked up and met Amanda's eyes and saw that the fear that was there before was faint. She looked more ready for this than she'd ever been for anything. More ready now than ever.
"Come back to bed?" Amanda asked standing up from the couch. Chris thought about it for a moment before standing up and walking back into the bedroom. Having just lost her pillow, Frannie laid her head down on the couch. Amanda turned to follow Chris back to bed when she heard Frannie whine from behind her. She turned back around to see that Frannie had lifted her head from the couch and was staring at her with her sweet brown puppy dog eyes.
"Ok, you can come too" she said. Frannie hopped down off the couch and went into the bedroom, Amanda following close behind her. She got in bed and laid next to Christina while Frannie jumped up and settled down at the foot of the bed. Amanda laid there thinking about how normal a couple they were, both laying there with their dog at the foot of the bed. She smiled to herself then rolled over and cuddled into Christina in the same manner she had for the past few nights, drifting off to sleep. She could really get used to this.
Amanda woke up the next morning to the phone ringing out in the living room. She heard Chris answer in a sweet, professional tone and wondered who she was talking to. She pulled back the covers and got out bed, lazily making her way out of the bedroom. The sweet smell of baked goods hit her immediately after she opened the bedroom door. Chris was in the kitchen at the breakfast bar with the phone between her shoulder and ear as she stirred something in a mixing bowl. Amanda looked over and saw Frannie at her food dishes enjoying a fresh breakfast and concluded that Chris had taken care of changing her food and water this morning. She walked over and saw two freshly baked cakes and three trays of cookies on the table. Chris ended her phone call and poured the batter she'd been stirring into a clean cake pan.
"Someone's been busy this morning" Amanda said looking at everything on the table and counters.
"Yeah, well, this business isn't going run itself" she said putting the cake in the oven. Amanda looked at the clock and saw it was only eight fifteen. They hadn't done any shopping for bakery stuff together so she assumed Christina went out early and got everything they needed. She walked over and stood next to the counter, taking in the mess that was being made in their kitchen.
"What time did you get up this morning?" she asked. She reached over and stuck her finger in bowl of icing.
"Early" Chris answered. She saw Amanda pick up some icing with her finger and slapped her hand away. "That is for the cakes" she said, "for our customers" she added.
"We have customers already?" Amanda asked in surprise. Chris nodded.
"Apparently, TARU made us a website and Olivia, Nick and Fin passed out some of our business cards yesterday. We've gotten ten orders just this morning and I haven't even checked our online orders yet" she said moving around the kitchen like a skilled chef.
"Alright. I'm on it" Amanda said. She snuck another dip of icing and went over to the makeshift business center TARU had set up for them, taking the phone with her. She sat down and started up the computer, taking another look at their business cards as she waited for it to boot up. She couldn't believe how real they looked. Once the computer was up, she pulled up their website and went to their online orders page. "Oh my god" she said in disbelief. Chris looked over at her mortified by what she might say. "There's twenty more orders on here" she said. Chris groaned, resting her arms on the counter and letting her head fall on top of them.
"We need to hire help" she said in a muffled voice. She let out a frustrated sigh before getting back to work on their orders.
"I thought this was supposed to be a fake business" Amanda said, "Why are they giving out so many cards?"
"It has to be a believable business I guess" Chris answered as she covered the cakes with icing. The phone started to ring and Amanda picked up the cordless and answered but only heard a dial tone. She could still hear ringing as she hung up the home phone and realized it her cell ringing in the bedroom. She got up and went to answer it. It was Fin and he wanted to know if she had time to meet him for brunch. He said it wasn't about the case. He just wanted to check in with her. She said she could meet up with him but asked if they could push it back to lunch. Thanks to him, Olivia and Nick they had a ton of orders to work on. He laughed and agreed to push their meet back to lunchtime before hanging up with her. She went back to the living room and sat at the computer to work on their orders.
"Who was that?" Chris asked from the kitchen. She took a batch of cupcakes from their phone orders out of the oven and sat it on the top of the stove.
"Fin" Amanda answered as she wrote out the online orders for Christina. "He wants to meet me for lunch".
"Oh, great. You get to go out for lunch dates and I get to bake all day".
"I can call him back and tell him I have to…stay home and help you bake" she offered.
"Ummm, no thanks. We want people to like our desserts and we both know that you can't cook" she said.
"How do you know that I can't cook?" she asked with an offended look.
"Because before I moved in with you, you didn't have anything that resembled real food in your refrigerator" she said walking over to sit on the couch. She sat with her arm draped over the back of the couch and positioned herself to face Amanda at the computer desk.
"That's not true" she argued, "I had real food".
"No, you didn't. There was nothing in there that wasn't pre-packaged or in take out containers" she said. "It's okay that you can't cook. I wouldn't be able to if it weren't for my mother teaching me to be a good house wife while I was growing up". Amanda laughed and handed her the list of orders that had come in online.
"Well, maybe I should stay and learn a few things from you".
"No, it's ok" she said, "You should go" she said looking over the list, "I have plenty to keep me busy". Amanda thought for a minute, debating whether she should stay in and help Chris despite her telling her it was ok for her to leave. "I'm gonna need to go back to the store" Chris said still looking at the list Amanda had given her.
"Ok" Amanda said turning back to the computer, "I'll process these orders and send out the confirmations and update the books. It shouldn't take me too long. Then we can get ready and leave together". Chris got up from the couch and headed back to the kitchen.
"Ok" she said, "sounds good". She took the last of the icing and covered the cupcakes before starting on the decorations. They both worked diligently on their separate tasks. Chris stared at Amanda as she sat at the computer. She thought about the talk they'd had the night before about how they both wanted to try at real relationship with each other. She didn't know what she thinking agreeing to that. She didn't know anything about being in a relationship. But there was something about Amanda that made her want to learn. She could feel herself changing little by little and she wondered just how different she'd be by the end of this case and if she'd like herself more or less when it was over. She didn't take people's advice very often but she could still hear Fin's voice in her head telling her not to let a good thing get past her. She didn't know why but it was a piece of advice that she wanted to take. She just hoped that her fears didn't become a reality.