Chapter 19: Slowing Down

The drive back to the apartment was completely silent. Chris was debating in her head whether she wanted to drop Amanda off then go home or get some sleep and move all of her stuff back home later that day. She decided to go to the apartment and get some sleep first. She didn't care when narcotics wanted the apartment back. She planned to use her day off to move out of the pad and back home with her family. When they got back to the apartment, Amanda took Frannie out since she'd been cooped up for a while. Chris changed her clothes and threw her ruined she in the trash. Amanda came back in the apartment, got Frannie fresh food and water then came into the bedroom to get ready for bed. Chris sat down on the bed and took her hair down then got under the covers. She turned off her bedside lamp and laid down to go to sleep. Amanda came out of the bathroom and saw that Chris was already in bed. She'd wanted to talk to her about the interrogation and why she was so upset. Then she thought it would be better if they talked about it after they'd gotten a good night's rest and were both thinking clearly. She turned off the lamp on her side of the bed and laid down next to Christina to go to sleep.

Light streaming through the bedroom window woke Chris at eight forty. She got up and went over to close the curtains then climbed back into bed and laid down to go back to sleep. Amanda woke up when felt the bed shift when Chris got up and then shift again when she laid back down. Without any thought, she moved over to cuddle with her only to feel her shrug her off. She thought maybe Chris just trying to get into a comfortable position so she tried again to put her arm around her and lay her head on her back. Again Chris shrugged her off and this time Amanda could feel that it was intentional. It took her a moment but she remembered that she was still angry with her for ignoring her the day before. She moved back to her side of the bed and went back to sleep. They were both woken up again at a few minutes past eleven by Frannie who was sitting next to the bed barking. Amanda got up went to see what her fuss was about. Her water bowl was empty so she filled it for her and then went back to the bedroom. Chris came out the bathroom as she walked back into the bedroom. She walked past her over to the closet without saying a word to Amanda.

"You wanna go out for breakfast?" she asked seeing she was going to have to get them talking again. Chris turned around and looked at her.

"Are you over yourself now?" she asked. Amanda rolled her eyes.

"You act like I had no reason to be angry" she said annoyed by Chris' indifference to her feelings.

"I didn't realize you did. Amanda, you know I didn't mean anything I said in there about you".

"No, I don't know" she said sounding more than a little upset. "You talked about me like I wasn't important to you. "You think you'll keep me" like I'm some gadget that you tried out and decided you liked. And to think you were worried about me using you as an experiment".

"Amanda, I didn't mean that. Come on, don't act like you've never said anything in an interrogation that you didn't mean to get a response from a suspect".

"Yes, I have but this is different" she said angrily. "You made it personal".

"Of course it's personal!" she yelled. "You don't get it. You don't know what it's like….to be told your whole life that you're a mistake. That something's wrong with you or that you're sick. Or that the God that you've been raised to believe in, that supposedly created you in his image, that's supposed to love you no matter what, got it wrong…got you wrong". Chris hated explaining her feelings but she'd promised Amanda before that she'd be more open with her. "My own mother would agree with some of the things he said in there" she said sadly. "So yeah, it's personal. And I said whatever I had to get control and keep it and take him down and I won't apologize for that". Amanda thought again about how much Chris must've have identified with them victims. Suddenly her being upset about Chris making this personal for her seemed silly. She walked over to Christina and took her hands.

"I'm sorry" she said, "I was….only thinking about myself. You're right. You shouldn't apologize". Christina was rethinking her decision to agree to continue dating Amanda. It was only their first argument and she was already over this whole relationship thing. This is one of the reasons she didn't date. If she didn't date then there were no arguments, no feelings that she had to deal with, and no need to explain herself. But still, she didn't want to leave Amanda. She never knew someone could make her feel so conflicted.

"Let's not fight anymore, ok?" she asked gently squeezing Amanda's hands. Amanda nodded her head.

"Ok" she said in agreement before they kissed and made up. "So….you wanna go out for breakfast?" she asked again.

"Yeah, let's go to breakfast" she said. She glanced over at the clock on the night stand and saw it was nearing eleven forty. "Brunch" she corrected herself. They got dressed and decided to walk instead of drive and take Frannie with them. They had a nice brunch where they talked, not argued, talked more about the things Chris had said in the interrogation room with Rankins. Amanda started to understand more why Chris needed to say the things she said to him. The more she understood, the less hurt her feelings were. When they got back to the apartment, they got a call from Fin letting them know that Narcotics didn't need the apartment cleared out of until the end of the week, so they could take their time moving out. He told them to let him know when they were ready to move furniture out and he and Nick would be over to help out. They decided they might as well just move it now. They packed up all the clothes and food and all of Frannie's stuff and loaded it in the car. Fin and Nick showed up just in time and helped them load Amanda's bedroom furniture on her truck. They made the drive over to Amanda's apartment and moved her furniture in. They gave Fin the keys to the pad and he and Nick left to go enjoy the rest of their day off. Chris helped Amanda carry her bags up and put Frannie's food, bowl, and bed in their places. She put all the food in the frig and then helped Amanda finish unpacking her clothes. Amanda noticed that Chris hadn't brought any of her stuff up so she offered to help her.

"Ummm, I'm moving back home" Chris said, "I thought….you knew that".

"No, I didn't know that" Amanda said. Chris could hear in her voice that she was upset that she wasn't staying. "How would I know that? You didn't talk to me about it". Chris shrugged her shoulders.

"I just assumed that you knew I'd be going back home".

"I didn't know you didn't want to stay with me" she said putting her last few t shirts away in her drawer. She put her suitcases in the closet and then went out to the living room. Chris hoped that this didn't turn into another argument. She took a breath and followed her out to the living room.

"Amanda" she said starting to explain.

"No, it's fine" she said stopping her. "You don't have to stay here if you don't want to. Frannie and I will be fine".

"It's not that I don't want to" she said sitting down next to her. "I'm just….not into the whole U-Haul thing". Amanda looked at her confused.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know like the joke" she said. Amanda still had no idea what she was talking about. "It doesn't matter. I just…it's a little soon for us to be seriously living together, don't you think?" she asked.

"We've already been living together. I thought things were going well with us". She didn't understand why Chris was ready to just bail.

"Things are going well but, come on Amanda. If we're both being honest, we wouldn't be living together if it weren't for the case" she said. "We probably wouldn't be together at all if it weren't for the case" she added. Right away she felt she probably should've kept that thought to herself. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm just saying that the case really sped things along for us, that's all" she said clarifying her statement.

"What's your point?" Amanda asked.

"My point is that maybe we should slow down. Let's date for a while, really date, before we take the step of living together. And…I really need to be home anyway. My mom is still sick and my sister is still acting out. My dad, he can't take care of both of them by himself. My family really needs me right now". She knew that if Amanda would understand anything, it would be that she needed to be there for her family. "Look, it's not like I'm breaking up with you. I just need to be at home". Amanda knew that Chris was right. If it weren't for the case they might not have gotten together so quickly but they most definitely wouldn't have been living together so soon. She couldn't argue that it might be a good idea for them to slow down. And she definitely couldn't argue with her about needing to help take care of her mom and sister.

"Fine" she finally said after thinking about everything that Christina said. "Frannie's gonna miss you".

"Only Frannie?" she asked with a smirk.

"I might too….just a little". Chris laughed and leaned over, pressing her lips against Amanda's.

"Why don't you come over for dinner tonight?" she asked once their kiss ended.

"Oh yeah. So your mother can give me death glances?" Chris laughed again.

"Well she might but something tells me you can more handle yourself" she said kissing her again. "And if you can't, I'll protect you". She kissed her again, this time pushing her back to lay down on the couch. She settled herself between Amanda's legs as she kissed down her neck and unbuttoned her shirt. Just as she was about to move her bra Frannie started to bark at them. Amanda laughed and Chris shook her head from side to side. "Such a jealous bitch" she said under her breath. Amanda playfully slapped her on the shoulder and she moved to get off of her so Frannie would stop barking. She kissed her one more time and then left to head home and see her family. Amanda looked at Frannie who looked back at her with her big, brown puppy dog eyes.

"You need to learn to share" she said. Frannie whined then went over and laid in her bed. Amanda filled her food and water bowl then went to take a shower and change clothes, deciding she'd go to an afternoon meeting. Being in a relationship with someone as closed off as Christina was really stressful and the pressure of making the case didn't help. But being with Chris also made her want to work her program and keep herself on the straight and narrow. She really wanted things to work out between them and Christina had made it very clear that she wouldn't stay with her if she continued gambling. Her time in narcotics showed her how addiction ruined people's lives and she refused to be a part of that. So she was doing this for Chris. More than that she was doing this for herself. She was tired of being in debt, always looking over her shoulder, ruining good relationships, and worrying about her keeping her job. She deserved a good, happy life and gambling had no part in that. She grabbed a jacket, her phone and her keys and headed out the door.