Chapter 24: I'm Sorry

Once Amanda left the bar, Liv and Fin started to pry into Nick's thoughts. They'd noticed the tension between him and Chris and the stare he'd given Rollins before she decided to leave. He was debating whether he should say anything about what he saw. It really was none of his business but he didn't like cheaters and he didn't want to see Rollins get hurt. He thought the relationship was a mistake anyway being that they worked together.

"Look, I'm not sure what I saw" he said finally deciding to tell them. "It happened too fast".

"But you did see something?" Fin asked.

"They kissed" he said simply. "Chris and Franco, when I went back for the bathroom, I saw them kissing. I don't know if he kissed her or if she kissed him but their lips were definitely touching. She pushed off but….I don't know; that could've just been because she saw me there". He picked up his glass and finished off his beer.

"Oh come on. He definitely kissed her" Olivia said confidently.

"What makes you so sure?" Fin asked. He was remembering the conversation he had with Chris before she and Amanda officially got together. She'd warned him that she wasn't the relationship type. He was kicking himself now for encouraging her to try with his partner.

"Well first of all, she's a lesbian. They don't really enjoy kissing men" she said taking a drink of her beer. "Secondly, he's obviously really interested in Chris, not Amanda". They looked at each other and then at her. It was obvious to her that they'd never considered that his real interest
was in Christina. "He just wants Amanda out of the picture so he can move in and take her place".

"Why would he think he could take her place?" Amaro asked confused. "I mean, he knows she's a lesbian. She would never be with him".

"He must have some reason to believe that she would" Fin said receiving inquisitive looks from his partners. He must know something that they don't. "What?" he asked looking at their faces. "Come on, you gotta know there's history there that we know nothing about".

"Well, whatever it is, it's none of our business" Olivia said.

"You don't think we should tell Amanda?" Fin asked. Olivia brought her beer to her lips and finished it.

"Nope" she said getting up from her chair. "I think we should stop speculating". She took her jacket from the back of her chair and put it on. "They can work it out themselves. Stay out of it" she said in a warning tone. She took out her wallet to leave some money for the drinks but the guys told her not to worry about it. "See you guys tomorrow". She left them sitting in the bar and made her way home.

Amanda called Chris when she got home and she came right over. She had a bag with clothes to sleep in, a change of clothes for work and a toiletry bag. She went into the bedroom to change then to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face. She put her bag in the closet then joined Amanda in bed. She turned off the lamp and settled down to go to sleep. Amanda laid there for a few minutes but she couldn't go to sleep. There was too much on her mind. She was tired of being in a relationship with someone who had reinforced steel around her entire life. She needed to start pushing Chris to open up more with her or they weren't going to work out. She reached over Chris and turned her lamp back on.

"I can't do this with you anymore" she said softly. Chris looked over her shoulder at her girlfriend.

"Can't do what?" she asked confused.

"I can't….be in this relationship alone. It's like you're not even here. You don't talk to me, I don't think you listen to me; I don't know who you are". She looked her in the eyes, "You don't let me know who you are. You won't let me into your life".

"I'm doing the best I can".

"If this is your best then we're in a hell of a lot of trouble" Amanda said honestly. She couldn't believe that Chris was really giving her all she could. "I need…I need help from you. You know I've never done this before. I don't know what I'm doing…."

"I don't know what I'm doing either, Amanda" she snapped. "This is new to me too. I don't how many times I have to tell you that I'm no good at this for you to believe me".

"What happened with you and Beth?" she asked. She wasn't going to take some vague "it was complicated" answer from her this time. She wanted some real answers.

"I already told you…."

"Yeah, it's complicated" Amanda said finishing her sentence for her. "I don't want to hear that anymore. I want to know what happened".

"We dated for a while. She wanted more than I did. I tried….to give her what she wanted but I just…." She paused trying to think of how best to explain herself. "I just couldn't do it. It wasn't me".

"What does that mean?"

"I cheated on her" she said bluntly. There was no hint of remorse in her voice. Amanda wouldn't be surprised if she didn't feel anything at all about how she'd treated Beth or Ryanne or any other woman she'd been with in her life. "I was still in school when we were together. I was young and I just wanted to have fun but she wasn't about that. She wanted me to move in with her. She tried to talk me out of going to the academy and just stay home with her. She wanted to marry me and have kids and….everything that was so far outside of the plans I had for myself. Still outside my plans. She was so serious about us from the beginning and I never was. I don't settle down, Amanda" she said turning to look at her. "I'll probably never want to move in with you. I don't want to get married or have kids or have a routine. It just…it seems like eventually that's what you'll want and I can't give it to you. I'm sorry but I can't".

"I haven't asked you for that" Amanda didn't understand why Chris was dismissing their relationship for reason that hadn't even come up for them yet.

"Amanda, you wanted me to continuing living here with you after the Rankins case was over" she reminded her. "I know we came to an understanding that it was too soon but the truth is…it won't matter how long we're together. I just….I don't see myself ever wanting to live with you" she said honestly. She realized how bad that sounded. "Not just with you, with anyone" she said quickly.

"I have never met anyone that's as emotionally unavailable as you are…in my entire life" Amanda said annoyed. "Why would you even say that you'd try to be open with me if you knew if would never happen?"

"Because I did want to try. And I have tried" she quickly added. "I can't help that this is how I am".

"I did" she shot back.

"Oh come, Amanda. It wasn't hard for you. You share your feelings with perfect strangers all of the time" she said referring to her going to meetings. "I don't do that. I don't share".

"Oh right. You're a suck it and bare it kind of girl" she said sarcastically. "You know, I was like too and it didn't get me anywhere".

"You asked. Sorry if it's not what you hoping for in your first lesbian experience but this is what you got. You got me". As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew she was gonna catch hell for it.

"My first lesbian experience?" Amanda asked rhetorically. Chris sighed.

"Amanda…."

"Get out" she said not wanting anything else from her. She was completely done with Christina and her attitudes and her emotional handicap and her complicated relationship that weren't relationships. Chris thought about arguing and apologizing, trying to get Amanda to let her stay but she didn't. She knew it was useless. She didn't think she would change and Amanda didn't either so staying was pointless. She got out of the bed and changed back into her pants, put her shoes on, grabbed her bag and her keys and left the bedroom. Frannie woke up when she shut the bedroom door and got up from her bed, following her to the front door. When she opened the door, she tried to out with her.

"You can't come with me" she said kneeling down and scratching her behind the ears. She got up and turned to leave. Frannie whined and tried to go out the door with her again. "Frannie, no" Chris said pushing her back inside the door. "You have to stay here". She wanted to say that she'd be back but she couldn't. She probably wouldn't be. Frannie sat down just inside the door and looked up at Chris with her big, brown eyes. She made Chris feel so much worse about leaving. She leaned down and kissed her on the head then turned and left the apartment to go home.

The next morning when Chris came in to work, Amanda wasn't at her desk. She good morning to everyone and all except Fin said it back. Rae guessed that he'd talked to Amanda and she told him about what happened between them. She sat down at her desk and started on her paperwork. Amanda walked in at nine fifteen and went to her desk. The tension between Amanda and Chris was off the charts and it was felt by everyone. Hoping to ease some tension, Olivia invited everyone over to her place to celebrate her promotion and the Captain had something to tell the squad. Chris thought about saying she couldn't make it when she heard everyone else say they'd be there. Olivia could tell that she was about to decline coming over. She turned her chair around and tapped her on the shoulder.

"You're coming" she said when Chris turned to look at her. She started to argue but Olivia didn't give her the chance. "I don't wanna hear it. You're coming". She turned her chair back around to her desk and got back to work. Chris did the same. A couple hours passed and they'd been working at their desks, sharing sporadic small talk between them. Amanda hadn't said a word to Chris all day despite her trying to engage in friendly conversation with her. Beth texted Chris and asked if she wanted to meet for lunch. She looked over her shoulder at Amanda and thought about what she'd think. Amanda got up from her desk and left the squad room. Nick, Liv and Fin watched as Chris got up and followed her. She saw Amanda go into the bathroom and entered not far behind her. She leaned against the sink and waited for her to come out of the stall. Amanda paused for a moment when she came out and saw Chris standing there but then continued to the sink to wash her hands.

"Come on, Amanda. How long are you going to ignore me?" she asked. Amanda looked at her as she turned off the water then walked around her to get paper towels to dry her hands. "I'm sorry, okay. I know I said some things last night that….hurt your feelings" she said apologizing. "But you asked me and I was just trying to be open and honest with you" she said in her own defense.

"Yeah, it was a very enlightening conversation" she said throwing her towels in the trash. "Thanks for your honesty". She reached to open the door but Chris blocked her way.

"Look, I….I shouldn't have said that, the thing about this being a lesbian experience for you. I'm sorry but you have to understand that that's usually how this works for me with women who've never been with other women before". She was doing her best to apologize but she wasn't sure it was working.

"If I haven't convinced you yet that I'm not like those women then I never will".

"That's not true" she said quickly. "I know you're not like that I just….I don't know why I said it. I just came out and then it was too late to take it back. I'm sorry" she said apologizing again. "Can we please just…can we just….can we…" she stumbled trying to figure out what she wanted moving forward. She hadn't thought through what she'd say when talked to Amanda so now that they were talking so was stuck with her thoughts.

"Can we just what?" Amanda asked prompting her to spit out whatever she was asking. Chris shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know" she said honestly.

"I don't either. This isn't going to work until you figure out what you want. Let me know when you do". Chris stayed in place in front of the door until she realized that there was nothing else that she could say. The conversation was over. She moved out of the way and let Amanda leave the bathroom. She leaned against the door and ran her hands through her hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. The door pushed into her back causing her to move quickly out of the way. She apologized to the uniform trying to get in for blocking the door and went back to her desk. She replied to Beth and said that she was free for lunch and to meet her downstairs at noon. Everyone did their own thing for lunch that day and Chris was the last to leave. As she was getting ready to leave, Cragen called for her to come in his office. She went inside, shut the door and took a seat in front of his desk.

"What's going on with you and Rollins?" he asked getting right to the point.

"Uh…it's…."

"Before you try to concoct a story, let me just tell you that you're not a very good liar" he said stopping her before she could deny problems between them. "That's a compliment" he added.

"It's just…we're just working through some kinks is all" she answered. "We'll work it out" she said confidently. "And it won't interfere with us doing our jobs" she added. He nodded his head and tapped his pen on his desk.

"You coming to Liv's tonight?" he asked. She nodded her head. "Good. Alright get out of here. Go get some lunch" he said dismissing her. She got up from her chair and left his office. She stopped by her desk and grabbed her jacket and phone then headed out to lunch. She called Beth when she went downstairs and didn't see her waiting. She directed her until she found her sitting in her silver BMW. She leaned over and opened the door for her from the inside. Chris got in the car, shut the door and put her seat belt on.

"Hi" she said looking over at Beth.

"Hi" she said back with a sweet smile. She was happy that Chris had agreed to have lunch with her. She was even happier that they were going without Amanda.

"You got a new car" Chris said checking out the interior.

"Yeah. You like it?"

"Yeah" she nodded, "it's nice".

"So where to?" Beth asked as started the car. Chris shrugged her shoulders.

"You decide" she said leaving the decision to her. Beth nodded, put the car in drive and pulled out onto the street. They went to a small Chinese restaurant not far from Beth's museum. They were seated and quickly decided on what they wanted. The waiter took their orders and left the table. "So how's the museum? Have you…started there yet?"

"Not officially but I've been in my office every day, just testing the water; watching the day to day things" she answered. "I wanted to make sure I won't be in over my head when I do start".

"I don't think I've ever seen in over your head with anything" Chris said taking a drip of her water.

"I was with you" she said honestly. Chris cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Beth's response had caught her completely off guard. Luckily, the waiter came over and set their food in front of them, giving her a chance to bounce back from the comment. He asked if they'd be needing anything else. They shook their heads no and he left them to enjoy their meal. "You weren't like anyone else I'd ever been with. I wasn't used to someone being just as, if not more, dominant than me". Chris wasn't sure what to say. She took small bites of her food and tried to think of where this conversation was going.

"Ummm, Beth I…."

"No, it's ok. You taught me a lot" she said interrupting what she assumed was going to be an apology. "I was trying to control you; to create the life for myself that I knew I wanted. You taught me that I can't change people to suit my needs. A relationship requires understanding and compromise and team work. I should've listened to you when you said you weren't ready to settle down" she said regretfully. "I want you to know that I've changed".

"I haven't" Chris said bluntly. Beth was noticeably taken back by her admission. "I'm still not ready to settle down. I still don't want to move in and get married and have kids. I'm…I'm still the same person I was when we were together".

"You must be different" she said taking a drink from her glass. "You're in a relationship with Amanda". Chris laughed.

"Yeah, well that's not really going well…right now" she admitted.

"Oh?" she said asking for elaboration.

"Yeah. She's…not very happy with me right now. My relationship skills are….lacking. She says I don't share enough with her, that she doesn't know who I am. She feels like she's in our relationship alone". She decided not to elaborate any further and focused on her lunch. They ate quietly for a few minutes before Beth spoke again.

"You know, that's typical of you" she said.

"What's typical of me?" she asked, unclear as to what Beth meant.

"Keeping your feelings to yourself" she clarified. "You never shared with me either".

"I did" Chris said defensively, "sometimes?" she added, not feeling certain of herself.

"You would pretend to share but it was artificial" she said taking another drink from her glass. "Nothing you ever told me was really of any importance". It was a tactic of hers to tell things that didn't really mean anything to her. She'd share enough detail to make Beth feel like she was with her so she'd stop probing. She never really let anyone know the depths of her soul. As usual, Chris shut down. Talking anymore about this would mean showing some real feeling and she didn't want to do that. She just continued to eat her lunch and hope the conversation went somewhere else. Twenty minutes later, they'd finished lunch, paid the bill and left the restaurant. Beth drove Chris back to the precinct and asked if they could do this again. "Maybe dinner next time?"

"Yeah, sure" Chris agreed. "I'll call you". She got of the car and made her way inside the precinct. Beth watched until she didn't see Christina anymore before driving away. She didn't get to tell Chris what she wanted to really wanted her to know. She hoped that one their next outing, she'd get all of her feelings out.