Chapter 28: Cracked Armor

The waiting room at Saint Catherine's was cold and the chairs weren't very comfortable. But the comfort of the waiting room was the last thing on their minds. The possibility of their wife or mother dying was still fresh. Chris was doing a good job as always, holding it together while everyone around her broke down. She'd calmed her father down and got her sister to stop crying. She tried to calm Robbie's anger but she knew that was a lost cause. They all just sat patiently waiting for the doctor or a nurse to come out and tell them they could go see her. They sat in the waiting room a little longer before Chris told Amanda she could go.

"You can't do much. We're just sitting here" she said softly. She hadn't let go of Amanda's hand for even a second since she grabbed ahold of it.

"I don't mind staying".

"It's ok. I'll be fine" she said declining. "You should go back to work. I'll call you if…..anything changes".

"Ok" she said softly. She gave her hand a small squeeze before letting go and getting up to leave.

"Hey, can you fill the sergeant in on what's happening?" she asked. Amanda smiled and nodded then turned to leave. She stopped for a sandwich to eat at her desk then made her way back to the precinct. Benson saw her when she walked in and came out of her office to ask her about how things had gone at the hospital.

"It's not good" she said shrugging out of her jacket. "You guys know she had a heart attack a while ago". They all nodded their heads. "Well, it did more permanent damage than they thought. There's nothing else they can do to fix it. She needs a heart transplant".

"How'd she take it?" Fin asked.

"You know Chris" she said taking a seat at her desk. "She's holding it together for her dad and her brother and sister".

"It's not good for her" Olivia said shaking her head. "Holding things in like that. Sooner or later she's gonna lose it".

"There anything we can do?" Amaro asked. She shook her head.

"No. She said she'd call if anything changed". Benson nodded then left to get back to work. Amanda opened her sandwich and took a bite while she waited for her laptop to start up. Fin and Nick got back to their paperwork. They worked the rest of their shift and packed up to go home. Amanda called Chris to ask if she was still at the hospital. She wasn't. She'd left to take her father home to get some rest. Her brother and sister stayed at the hospital with their mom. She asked her if she wanted her to come over and, of course, she said no. Amanda drove over there anyway and went up to knock on the door. Chris was surprised to her there.

"I said you didn't have to come" she said.

"I know". Chris stepped to the side and let her in the house. She shut and locked the door behind her then walked past her back to the kitchen. Amanda followed close behind her. "How's your mom doing?" she asked.

"Seems okay to me" she said putting on an oven mitt. She grabbed an iron kettle from the stove and poured hot water into a glass. "She was sitting up, talking, laughing. Doesn't seem sick at all". She put a tea bag into the water and let it sit. "She doesn't want the transplant" she said softly. "She's worried about how much it'll cost and what a waste it'll be if….if the transplant doesn't work". Amanda could tell that it was hard for her think about. "She doesn't want to burden me anymore" she said sadly. "I can't tell my father. He's falling apart with her just being sick. He knows she'll die without the transplant. If I tell him she doesn't want it, it'll kill him". Amanda didn't know what to say. She was sure nothing she could think of would make Chris feel better. She stepped forward and tried to hug her but she immediately pulled away. "No, don't" she said rejecting the embrace. "I'm….I'm okay". She took a deep breath to collect herself then picked up the cup of tea from the counter. "I need to take this up to my dad". Amanda put her hands on the counter behind her and leaned back against it. Chris left her alone in the kitchen inwardly kicking herself for pushing Amanda away. But she knew that if she let her hug her, she'd break down. She wasn't ready for Amanda to see her like that. She gave her father his tea and made sure he was resting comfortably then went back downstairs. Amanda was standing on the landing, leaning against the door. "Amanda, I…"

"You don't have to apologize" she said. "I understand you need to keep it together right now. This, your tough exterior, it won't last much longer". She opened the door to leave, "When ready for that to come down, give me a call". She gave a kiss on the cheek and walked out the door. Chris knew that Amanda was right. She could feel herself falling apart, feel large pieces of the armor she'd spent so many years building up crack all around her. It was only a matter of time before it completely shattered. She watched Amanda to her truck then closed and locked the door behind her, took a moment to gather herself then went to get her phone. She called Saint Catherine's and was put through to her mother's room. Robbie answered the phone and told her how their mother was doing. Nothing had changed. She wasn't getting better but she hadn't gotten any worse either. She was asleep now. He offered to wake her but she told him not to. She'd need all of her rest. She told him to get Jeza and come home. It was getting late and they needed to get to bed. She had school in the morning and he had to go to work. He argued, saying they should be able to take a day off. But if their mother was going to have the transplant, they needed to get all the hours at work they could and save every penny. She'd talked to the insurance company and they wouldn't cover the full cost of the procedure. She'd been under the impression that her father had full benefits from work that would cover any medical problems that came up. He'd lost it when he took time off to take care of her mother when she'd been undercover with Amanda. Just one more failure she could add to the list. Even though her mother said she didn't want the transplant, she was hoping to change her mind. They needed to be prepared if she was successful.

"We all have to do this together, Robbie. I can't afford this on my own". He relented and said they'd be home soon. She went back upstairs and went to the bathroom to run a hot bath. She stripped out her clothes, let down her hair and stepped into the hot water. She sank down into the water, submerging herself completely. She held her breath for as long as she could stand the feeling of her lungs screaming for air. When she sat up, allowing herself air, she heard the front door open and shut again. There were footsteps on the stairs and down the hall before there was a knock on the bathroom door.

"We're home" Robbie said through the door. "Going to bed".

"Good night" she said tiredly. He went to his bedroom and shut the door. She stayed in the bathtub for an hour, thinking of how things would be without her mother. She couldn't force her to have the transplant if she didn't want it. She could try all she wanted to change her mind but deep down she knew it wouldn't help. She got her strong will and her stubbornness from her mother. She knew her mind was made up and there was no changing it. She'd have to find a way to go on without her. They all would.