Chapter 12: Revelations – The Raggedy Woman

The machine's strangely sentient presence was comforting and Will worked harder than he had probably ever done before (save for maybe that time when he had helped patching up the shed after it had had a encounter with a fall storm), but it soon proved to be a hell of a task. Every time he managed to get one of the black vines out, another one would pop up again, crawling and slithering over the broken panels of the dimly lit room. His own hunger and fatigue began taking their toll on him as well, seemingly making his feet heavier with every step. Soon he felt like he was running on nothing but the taste of his own sweat and tears. But he had another treat, though – his undying will to not die in this horrible world, and the realization that his mom and his brother would be heartbroken if he didn't get out of here. That was one thing he particularly wanted to prevent and so he kept working, cutting vines and hauling them out the door until his limbs went numb and his head felt like cheap Jell-O.

Finally, he decided to settle for some rest and he sat down against one of the chairs in front of the console. The machine hummed calmly, emitting its strange, pulsating glow. Will had at least deducted that it wasn't from around here as it was one of the few things that hadn't tried to kill him yet – he had tried to venture further into the rooms, but each time he passed through one of the corridors it simply looped him back to the control room again. He wondered how it got stuck here, what had made the crew go missing – perhaps it was the same thing that had brought him here. In that case, he dearly hoped they weren't dead yet.

"So where are you from anyway?" he asked. The machine groaned a single odd word: Gallifrey. Sounded exotic.

"Yeah, I'm afraid I don't know that one." he said, then paused. "I'm from around here. Well, not here, I mean, but from Hawkins. This place is kinda similar to it, but it's just so… evil, you know?"

The machine hummed approvingly. Will wondered what kind of evil it had witnessed. Whatever it was, it probably hadn't been as bad as the situation it had landed itself in right here, much like himself, actually; alone, cold and hungry, without his family and friends… and he could only hope they were looking for him. Of course he knew they were trying, but how did you find anyone who was in a sort of – well, he supposed different dimension was the right word – other place you couldn't possibly reach normally?

The realization that the answer had been right in front of him was just beginning to catch up with him, actually. It was a time-and-space-machine after all, so surely it was supposed to be able to fly him out of here – but the question was whether it really could. Even though it rumbled to life every now and then, flinging mental waves filled with strange expressions at him – he's my doctor, oh dear what will become of him without his sexy and I should have taken him to the ice cream place instead were just a few of them – it still seemed in great pain, and then he hadn't actually considered the actual technical damage. What wasn't covered by black vines was either hanging loose from the ceiling or blown to bits. Sometimes Will could hear a loud distant explosion coming from inside the machine, and big rains of bright sparks would spring up around him; in addition to all his bruises and grazes, he now also had a few burns to grit his teeth to.

He honestly didn't know how long he could last. Had it been a day since he escaped from the monster? Two days? A week? Would it ever come back? He thought it would – sometimes he would hear these eerie, scraping noises from outside the door, and in those moment he would always retreat to the far back of the room, cowering in fear as he waited for the sounds to die down. He didn't know why it still bothered anymore, there was little left of him to begin with. He was afraid since he had had moments where he actually wanted to walk outside and allow the thing to grab him – it would be painful yes, but it would be less painful than starving to death.

No, he thought, I can't. Mom is waiting for me somewhere. Jonathan is waiting for me too. And Mike, and Dustin, and Lucas – they're all out there looking for me, waiting for me, imagine how afraid and heartbroken they must be…

"I miss my friends," he said. "And my family. Can we go looking for them? Can we go looking for your crew?"

This time the machine didn't respond immediately – Will don't know whether it was considering his request or if it simply lacked the energy to respond. Finally, though, it emitted a single blast which made his head tingle: Maybe. We might. Help me, Will, Help me and we can try –

He couldn't believe his ears. Was it really true? Could the machine help him? He shot up, felt an unbearable pain in his lower back and was about to collapse back to the floor again before he reached out to the panels and re-established his balance. The machine briefly hummed – it sounded worried. Be careful.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," he grumbled. "What… what do I need to do?"

Well, listen carefully. Even my pilot can't seem to get it right most of the time and the likeness that we'll just explode is astronomical at this point, but if you listen carefully, we'll be out of here before you know it.

"Well that sounds great, bu– Wait, What did you just say?"

But the machine didn't respond. Will looked up to the bright blue column, sighed deeply, and went to work.

The woman didn't know where she was. When she was. Who she was. The only thing she remembered was a sharp pain that had shot through her head like an arrow, and after she had woken up, something strange had happened, but not particularly something good. She had started to remember things – cold, dark memories started flooding in like some kind of evil epiphany. She remembered the pain, the people she had lost, the lives she had destroyed, and the gaps in her memory started filling up until the realization struck her with a great, numbing force.

She was a monster. The most evil kind in the entire history of existence, quite possibly. She had destroyed civilizations, torn families apart, gambled with the lives of innocents – and in the center of it all was the simple reality that she had always failed, that she hadn't even managed to find a child. She couldn't even remember her own name, and suddenly she didn't even know whether she wanted to – was there even a name that could describe this… this failure, this horrible monstrosity, this evil?

And hours after walking around in the darkness, the woman sat down to do something she hadn't done in a long time – she cried. She simply sat there at the edge of a dark road, burying her face in her hands and sobbing while the moon casted long shadows around her. Why? She wondered. Why me? Why have I been given a second chance? Why did I chose for yet another live to waste? Were twelve failures not enough?

No, not twelve. Thirteen. Thirteen voices, and they all screamed deep inside her; me, it's always been me. All those people, all those companions… they all fell into your trap, you monster. It's a sickness you can't cure, a curse you can't lift. You'll disappoint them. Eventually. And then, you kill them.

The woman cried and cried until she had no tears left, then screamed. At no one, just at the cold, damp air and the emptiness which had enveloped her. Once her throat felt like she was breathing through a cluster of nails, she stopped and simply looked to the ground. Didn't think about anything. The world had gone silent, and in silence she would rest.

Well, until the voice suddenly piped up, of course. It appeared behind her and nearly made her go into a paralytic shock. "Well, Doctor, I must say I haven't seen you so riled up before. The womanly hormones have definitely gotten to you, haven't they?"

The woman turned around to see a young woman looking at her. She was wearing a simple black cardigan and a red skirt. Her face fringed by brown hair bore a striking resemblance to one the woman had seen in her memories, although she couldn't exactly recall her name.

"Who are you?" the woman asked.

"A friend. Well, used to be, now I'm just here to give you a little push in the right direction, since it looks like you could use it. Call me an implausibility if you want, at least, that's how we met."

"I'm not…" The woman frowned. She didn't know how it was possible, but the right memory actually seemed to present itself, so easily it was almost scary: "Impossible girl?"

"There you go," the impossible girl smiled, finally sitting down in the grass. She crossed her legs and said: "Well then, now we've got that part out of the way, I think you should look down."

The woman did as she was told. She didn't know why, but she didn't know why not, either. Once her chin had reached her chest, the impossible girl raised one hand and gave her a firm smack across her left cheek. The woman yelped, quickly regaining her balance as she started to tumble backwards. "Why did you do that?"

"Just making sure you're clear and awake. I've seen you struggle with post-regeneration sickness before, but it wasn't as worse as it is now. Sometimes I'm really wondering why you keep dragging on with this, you crazy old fool. It's going to end up being the end of you some day."

"I was actually just thinking about that," the woman somberly admitted, "wonderin' what a beautiful place the universe would be when it has finally gotten rid of me. I think it would take some time to adjust, but imagine all the peace and hap –"

The impossible girl slapped her again.

"Would you please stop that?!" the woman yelled.

"No. Not until you stop talking nonsense. Or return to your usual kind, at least. The universe won't become a better place without you, Doctor. Quite the opposite."

"You wouldn't know. I failed you as well."

"No, you didn't," the impossible girl said, gently gripping her arm. "You know, I used to hate you when you were like this. All grim and depressed and feeling bad about yourself, just because you would realize even you aren't perfect."

"You're talkin' about it as if it's a light thing. You don't feel the weight of countless dead souls pressin' on your shoulders, you aren't constantly hearin' the screams of those you caused pain… you don't keep seein' the faces of all those people you failed."

The impossible girl raised her hand again, but the woman grabbed it, fingers firmly wrapped around her wrist. "But please," she said through gritted teeth, "tell me I'm wrong about that as well, Clara."

"No, I won't," the impossible girl said, wriggling her arm free. She had barely flinched at the woman's strong grip. "But I'm going to tell you you're an incredible narrow-minded idiot for only remembering the bad parts, Doctor, which you always seem to do whenever you need to feel sorry for yourself. It quite fits the ego, but you see what it ends up doing to you. And honestly, don't you think it's about time you get over it?"

The woman opened her mouth, then closed it. Something else had begin to struck her, but this time it wasn't a memory of death or failure – it was a memory of her previous lives. The most recent ones, to be exact. Lifetimes she had spent coming to terms with the grief and the pain.

"I remember killin' you…" she mumbled.

The impossible girl shook her head. "No, don't you dare going there again, idiot. It was my choice. The only reason why you kept blaming yourself for it is because you wanted to – and that's honestly always been your problem. Choosing to fly off with that old box was one of the best decisions you've ever made, but it somehow also made you think that you have a responsibility of saving every living being in the universe. And you can't, Doctor, you know that. But what matters is not the people you could have saved – what matters is the people you can save."

"I suppose that makes sense…" The woman blinked. "But it's still the fear that's holdin' me back, Clara. Even after all this time – even now we've come this far… I'm still afraid of bein' too late. Of not bein' able to find that boy, or the pain I'd be causin' his family…"

"Except that all of that hasn't happened yet. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps you running. But once it starts dragging you down, you need to stop for a moment and think, Doctor. After all, do you remember the entire point of you being here? Do you remember what you've told yourself?"

The woman stopped to think for a second, then remembered. Inside of her, an old familiar voice spoke up, one she immediately recognized: "Hate is always foolish."

"Exactly." The impossible girl smiled. "That was meant for you as well, Doctor. Hating yourself is foolish. You've spent a good amount of lifetimes doing that. So how about you throw all of that aside and allow yourself some love, for once? How about you go do what you're the best at – saving people?"

"I would if I could just remember my own name. Or have a clue about where to look, for that matter. I don't even know where all my little mini-humans have ran off to."

The impossible girl laughed. "You really haven't listened, have you?"

"'Course not. Why would I want to listen to other people? They usually don't have much interestin' to say anyway,"

She couldn't help it – self-pity just wasn't a realistic option anymore at this point. The impossible girl had proven that enough to her, alright. And for some reason everything she had mentioned didn't even sound new or at least foreign to her; it was as if some other part of herself had stood up to the other part, pushing away at all that misery and self-hate. She wasn't here to fail, or to sit down and feel bad about herself – she had wasted enough time doing that.

The impossible girl smiled yet again, mumbling "There you go," as she reached forward and hugged the woman – the Doctor. Leaning over to her ear, she whispered: "You know why you are here. You've known it all along, you dummy. This place – the girl, the disappeared boy – can't you remember?"

"I… I guess I do… but I'm havin' so much trouble rememberin',"

"It's really not that hard. It's right in front of you. You just need to go back to where it all began."

The impossible girl let her go to point to somewhere in the distance. The Doctor looked across the road, and far away over the treetops she could see the bright, distant cluster of glimmering lights. She carefully got up, absently brushing the grass off her clothing as she stumbled forward. The words echoed within her head like some kind of mantra – where it all began, the little girl, the disappearing boy… you've known it all along, Doctor. Can't you remember? Can't you remember when you found the poor little thing cowering in that cold, empty room? Can't you remember how angry it made you? How you swore to save her – and you did, Doctor, you did save her!

"O." The Doctor stood in the middle of the road, clutching at her hips, as if she had suddenly been struck by lightning. Then she nearly fell back, raising her hands in some kind of euphoric gesture, and she emitted another shocked breath. "O!"

"Is it finally starting to get to you?" the impossible girl asked as she approached the woman with a big smile.

"Oh dear, yes, it's incredible – it's like my mind is suddenly blown to a thousand pieces, which I guess is a bad thing, but it's all comin' back to me now." She snapped her fingers. "Oh, brilliant! I know where my TARDIS is! Well, gettin' there is going to be a slight problem, but I 'spose I have done the impossible before."

"Of course you have. That's why you're here, Doctor."

"Yes, good point. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I would rather get going – I've already wasted enough time. Goodbye!"

The woman started to ran off, small strips of her clothing waving behind her as she disappeared into the darkness. Not even ten seconds had passed before the impossible girl heard her frantic breathing again, however, and the Doctor suddenly appeared again, blonde hair fluttering around her face. "Sorry, just one more question – I'm afraid my sense of direction is still rebootin'. You wouldn't happen to know the right way, would you?"

Giggling, the impossible girl pointed in the right direction.

"Thank you." The Doctor went to storm off again, but came to a halt last minute, briefly staring to the ground before looking up. "It just had to be you, didn't it? My mind couldn't come up with anyone else?"

"Well, sure. But you probably figured I would be the best person to slap some sense into you," the impossible girl responded. "But enough lingering about in the past. You've had plenty of time to do that now. Go be a Doctor, and save that boy."

"I will." The Doctor finally smiled, turned her head towards the road and then back, mouth open to say something, but by that time, the impossible girl was already gone. She looked around for a second, as if to look for anyone who could give her her cue, then realized she needed none.

She was the Doctor. She saved people.

And she would save them. She took a deep breath and started to run, disappearing into the nightly darkness.