It wasn't the warm body pressed by his side that Shinji noticed when he opened his eyes. He looked up and saw a ceiling that wasn't his own. He always noticed ceilings first. Through out his time as an Eva pilot, the ever changing ceilings he woke up to served as a symbol of his uncertainty in life. He realized then that nothing for him was set in stone: he relationships, his feelings, even where he woke up.
Another unfamiliar ceiling. It all felt so strange; as if he had been returned to that time of his life. Shinji looked over at the young man, snoring fitfully at his side. De ja vu continued to rush over him. He had never been here before and Kaworu was new to town . . . so why did he feel like he was fourteen again?
Shinji sighed and stretched, hearing a sleepy moan of complaint and Kaworu readjusting in his sleep.
Shinji stared, wondering how he had gotten there. he barely knew the man sleeping next to him. He didn't know where he was from, what his family was like, what his hobbies where . . anything. Kaworu was essentially a perfect stranger.
He had come to the conclusion a long time ago that he had no interest in women. For many years, it seemed he had no interest in anybody. After his time as an Eva pilot, he was alone and broken. His father was gone, Nerv was disbanded and the three remaining pilots were scattered. Misato was reassigned and so many others were dead.
He couldn't open his heart because Shinji felt there was nothing to be found. As he grew, went to school, began to work, Shinji opened slightly. Not exactly healed, but patched enough to a functioning human.
Now he was here: naked in a bed with an unknown individual.
Came a quiet, heavy voice from beside him.
Shinji jumped slightly, pulled from his thoughts.
Kaworu pulled himself up slightly to rest his head on Shinji's chest. I felt you moving around.Yeah. I just woke up, Shinji studied the silver hair that tickled his chest.
Kaworu murmured to himself and ran his fingers idly across Shinji's bare chest. Then he looked up, red eyes vibrant despite the fact he had just woken up.
Sleep good? Kaworu asked, hands still softly touching Shinji.
Shinji just nodded. His head was spinning and he couldn't seem to pull together a single thought in his mind. Something lingered in the back of his brian, like a vague dream. Shinji concentrated, trying to grasp it, but it flittered away from him too quickly. He was left with his mind blank and frustrated.
He pulled himself from Kaworu's arms abruptly and left the room without another word.
Kaworu watched him leave and slumped back sadly on his bed. He could only imagine what was going through Shinji's head. He had no memory of Kaworu . . Tabris' sacrifice. While it was a fact Kaworu understood, he hated that Shinji thought him as a random stranger.
Kaworu pulled himself out of bed, tugged on pants and found Shinji sitting in the living room. Kaworu leaned against the wall and pushed a hand through rumpled silver locks.
You okay, Shinji? He asked, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen over the room.
Shinji remained silent, not even glancing at Kaworu. Kaworu sighed . . . why did everything have to be an uphill battle. . couldn't he win for once!
I think we need to talk about what happened here last night, Kaworu tried again, doing his very best to keep his internal frustration out of his voice.
There's nothing to talk about, Shinji replied this time, but his eyes remained fixed on the empty space before him.
Something is clearly bothering you, Kaworu shifted his weight, unconsciously taking a defensive stance.
What happened, happened. Nothing to talk about, Shinji's voice was cold and detached.
Shinji! How much longer do you plan on running from your problems? Kaworu's voice raised slightly. As an angel, he had impeccable control over his emotions; as a human, he found his fuse had been shortened considerably.
Shinji stiffened at Kaworu's words, he'd obviously hit a nerve.
What do you know about anything! I don't even know you! Shinji was on his feet, advancing on Kaworu.
Kaworu glared at him. It was Shinji who knew nothing. Knew nothing of the hollowness in his heart when Shinji was away. Knew nothing of the ten years they both suffered. Knew nothing about anything . . and it was Kaworu's fault. As it all washed on him, Kaworu couldn't help the furious tears that filled his eyes.
You don't understand! And that's my fault. God damn it! Kaworu threw his hands up and paced around the living room of his apartment.
These human emotions overwhelmed him. Hurt, fury, pain, betrayal, and love coursed through his blood like molten lava. He felt hopeless and lost.
Shinji watched him for a moment, then gathered his things.
Shinji, you don't have to go, I'm sorry, Kaworu stopped his pacing and put a hand on Shinji's arm.
Shinji pulled his arm back. No, I'm sorry. I made a mistake by coming here . . . I don't even know you, Shinji placed his hand on the door.
No! Shinji! with that, the door closed and Kaworu just wanted to scream.
He pulled his shoes on quickly and ran with a mad passion to the sea shore, the one place he found comfort.
Once again, Kaworu was on his knees, screaming to the heavens.
Is this what I sacrificed for! A man who doesn't know me! His heart remembers! His body remembers! But humans think with their damn minds! Why . . . . . Kaworu buried his face in his hands.
God had no obligation to answer a mere human's plea of why. God had no obligation to a fallen angel.