Deadline day again. Ryozo sat staring at the typed words on his computer screen, his eyes sore and damp with exhaustion. He was never quite sure why he always had to wait until last minute to get his articles written, but that was the way it went. He worked well under pressure and knowing that he had to get the article written always gave him that extra kick in the ass to buckle down and do his job. He leaned back in his chair, taking a sip of his long cooled coffee. Arching his back, he stole a look at the clock . . .when had it gotten to be 4 am. He sighed and pushed a hand through his dirty hair. He couldn't sit a moment longer and got out of his chair and walked into the darkened living room.

No light was in the room, save for the orange glow of a cigarette. Smoke filled the air and he arched an eyebrow.

"Since when do you smoke?"

Shinji was sitting on the couch, staring out into the dark room, clearly lost in thought. Shinji looked up, a bit surprised to see his roommate.

"Oh. . . um I guess I just started," Shinji held the cigarette awkwardly in his hands. He had honestly started shortly after the Kaworu ordeal. It helped him concentrate, the meditative process of controlled breathing relaxed him. And it gave him something to do with his hands, made him feel somewhat productive as he sat alone.

"Ah," Ryozo sat next to him and pulled his legs up to his chest.

Shinji put the cigarette out and sighed.

"Still thinking about him, aren't you?" Ryozo asked.

"Yeah. I can't stop. . . and I really do want to," Shinji turned to face Ryozo.

It had been months since he had even seen Kaworu. He had tried a couple times to catch Kaworu at work, but it never seemed to work. He had thought about running to his apartment, but found he just didn't want to. It wasn't that he didn't want to meet up with Kaworu again and discuss what they could be. But he just didn't. So he went about his everyday life, taking each day at a time, pushing the issue further and further back in his mind. But then there was these nights, where a strange feeling took over his stomach and he felt weird. Jittery, uncomfortable and nervous. So he sat out on this couch, smoking late into the night, just trying to calm himself, make sense of everything, but mostly to make the feeling go away. But he couldn't. It drove him mad, he just wanted to feel normal again, go back to the way he was before.

Ryozo was quiet, sitting silently next to Shinji as Shinji, now without the cigarette to still his hands, wrung his hands. He sighed and reached out, placing his hand on Shinji to stop the wringing. Surprisingly, Shinji didn't pull his hands away.

"Have you even called him?" Ryozo asked quietly.

Shinji shook his head. "I want to, then I just . . . can't. I've never been so alone," Shinji let out a shaking breath.

Ryozo frowned and pulled his roommate into his arms. Since the time at the seashore, Shinji had lost weight and hardly slept. He hid it well, blaming his stress on work, but Ryozo knew better.

Shinji felt warm and safe in Ryozo's unexpected embrace. He wrapped his arms around the other man, just needing human contact. Neither man spoke, darkness and stale smoke around them. Shinji noted being surprised when Ryozo's lips were suddenly against his, but he didn't pull back. This was safe, comforting, and better than being alone. His lips yielded slowly against Ryozo's, giving himself completely to his roommate.

He wasn't sure what compelled him to do it, but it felt right. Ryozo ran his tongue slowly against the tobacco tainted lips of his roommate, holding the thin frail man close. Shinji's tongue was reluctant to meet his, but did slowly, tongues dancing awkwardly and slowly.

Shinji let out a quiet moan as he lost himself. Ryozo pulled back after a few moments, looking at him. He swallowed hard.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that," Ryozo said quietly.

Shinji just looked at him, lips moist from the kiss. He blinked, eyes wide and innocent. Ryozo smiled and tenderly touched his cheek. "I know it's not me you want, but, I'm here."

He nodded and allowed Ryozo another kiss. This was something to fill the hole, cover it up for a while. Shinji pulled back again when tears began to roll down his cheeks. He buried his face in Ryozo's shoulder, quiet sobs wracking his body. Ryozo could just sigh, rubbing his back.

"When did everything get so fucked up?" Shinji whimpered.

"I dunno, baby," Ryozo tried to comfort him the best he could.

"I just don't want it to hurt anymore!" Shinji pulled his body into a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible.

There was nothing Ryozo could say. He sat quietly by him for a few minutes before getting back up and disappearing into his room again, himself also quite confused. He stared back at his laptop, the cursor blinking, waiting for him to finish. He could still taste Shinji on his lips. He wish he knew why he had done that. Shinji was lost and confused as it was, that only complicated matters. Before Kaworu had breezed into their lives, everything was peaceful and regular. Now even Ryozo wasn't sure what to expect or how to handle the situation. He found he was no longer cool headed and easy going all the time. Shinji's depression had brought him down as well and his work had suffered because of it. He just stared at the computer a moment longer before saving the document and closing the laptop. He crawled into his bed, exhausted and his head spinning and he slipped into a restless sleep.

When he woke, he found Shinji asleep on the couch without even so much of a blanket to protect him. Ryozo disappeared into Shinji's room and brought out his comforter, wrapping it around him. He watched Shinji sleep for a few minutes before putting breakfast on. This morning was going to be awkward, that much he was certain of. So for now, he just wanted to enjoy his breakfast and morning coffee while Shinji slept.

As he sipped his coffee, Shinji began to stir and woke up. He rubbed his eyes, standing up off the couch and stretching with a loud yawn. He padded his way into the kitchen where Ryozo had left a plate of eggs and toast out for him. Shinji silently took the plate and sat on the other end of the table, eating without a word.

Ryozo glanced up at him occasionally, but neither spoke. After they were finished with their breakfast, they both disappeared to their bedrooms. Ryozo when back in his growled. This isn't what he had wanted. No awkward silence or feeling like he had upset his best friend. He grumbled as he sat in front of the computer and quickly finished his article, sending it off to his editor along with a note saying he was feeling ill that day. He needed to collect his thoughts and spend some time with Shinji. After he sent the email off, he went to Shinji's room and knocked on the door. When he didn't get a reply, he opened the door anyway.

"What the hell?" Shinji was on his bed.

"Get up," Ryozo said.

"Why?"

"Because we're not going to sit here and act like nothing happened last night!"

"Why not? I don't know what happened last night, but we were both tired and lonely. Didn't mean anything," Shinji rolled over, pulling his blanket over his head.

"Bull shit!" Ryozo yanked the blanket off Shinji.

"Get the hell away from me! I don't know what the hell you're thinking but bugger off and leave me alone," Shinji snarled.

"Why is it when someone shows you an ounce of affection, you turn tail and run!"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"No, I think it's time you did. It didn't matter that Kaworu was a stranger, did it? You're just so damn scared of rejection that you'd rather do it yourself. You did it to him and I'll be damned if you do it to me."

"Look Ryozo. You don't care for me that way and you know it! I don't know what you were thinking, but it's better if we just went about like it didn't happen," Shinji grabbed his blanket back from Ryozo.

Ryozo glared at him, then grabbed his wrist.

"Let me go, Ryozo."

Ryozo let his hand drop. He glared at him.

"You're such a coward, Shinji," Ryozo turned and slammed the door behind him.

Shinji ran after him, opening the door.

"What is your problem!" Shinji stormed after him.

"You are!"

"Why?"

"Shinji, look, I don't know why, but I care for you damnit," Ryozo shouted, his heart pounding.

". . . ."

"Yeah, that's what you're best at, saying nothing. Look, forget it," Ryozo turned and went to go back to his room.

"What am I supposed to say to that?" Shinji was the one to grab Ryozo's wrist this time.

"I really don't know Shinji," Ryozo's voice was cold.

". . . You're going to shut me out like he did," Shinji was quiet with this realization.

"Maybe because you shut us out first," Ryozo stared at him.

"I don't know what to do," Shinji looked at him, confused.

"Do what you always do. Run away and avoid getting yourself hurt with no regard as to what it does to others," Ryozo pulled his hand back.

"You never even indicated you liked me before," Shinji crossed his arms in front of him.

"Yeah well, I guess I didn't think about it until last night," Ryozo shrugged.

"I can't give you what you want," Shinji looked down.

"Then you better give it to the person you can give it to," Ryozo look straight at Shinji.

"I don't know how,"

"Then fucking figure it out," Ryozo turned and went into his room.

Shinji only stood there for a moment before following Ryozo into his room. He hadn't spoken to Kaworu in months and he wasn't even sure why he was clinging on so hard to him. As he crossed the door jamb into Ryozo's room, he wasn't following his heart, but was going with the next best option. He would never be with Kaworu, best to make do with what was before him.

"Think we could make something work?" Shinji asked.

Ryozo shrugged.

They looked at each other for a few minutes, neither one sure what to do. It was Ryozo who pulled Shinji into a rough hug. Shinji was stiff in his arms, but wrapped his arms around him awkwardly.

"You're a bastard, you know that," Ryozo said quietly. Shinji just nodded.

Author's Note: Deepest apologies for how long updates have taken. I can't promise when I'll have the next one. It was just one of those night's I could write. Bear with me, I'll try and keep up the best I can.