Hey, everybody, I am so, so, so blown away by all the responses I got to the first chapter and I'm so excited to share more! I want to thank everyone who's commented so far. It really made all the work I've put into this worth it.
xxxxx
Brian found her in the cafeteria in search of a cup of coffee. She had just finished calming herself with a cigarette in the parking lot and now she needed a healthy dose of caffeine to keep her upright.
There wasn't much to be done in regards to Lewis until all of the crime scenes were processed and Lewis came out of surgery. There was only one crime scene left for her to tend to and it was the most important one - Olivia's body.
She'd just finished pouring a cup of coffee when Brian sauntered across the cafeteria, his shoulders and expression taut. Judging from his tense stance, Amanda knew the conversation was about to be far from pleasant, and she heaved a calming breath, mentally preparing herself.
"Hey, Rollins." He said, frowning deeply as he approached her.
"Hey, what's up?" She asked, stirring large teaspoon of sugar into her coffee to avoid eye contact. "Is Olivia all right?"
Her heart jumped up in her throat at the very thought that Olivia might not be okay, although she tried to assure herself that this was as safe as she could ever be. But she couldn't think of another reason for his obvious discomfort.
"She asked for you." Brian said, shortly, shoving his hands into his pockets and chewing his inner lip.
"Oh…" Amanda said, finally glancing up, caught off guard by his words.
She'd been expecting an update, perhaps more bad news, but she wouldn't lie and say she was unhappy that Olivia wanted her next to her rather than Brian. She didn't know Cassidy well and she had tried to be happy for Olivia's relationship, but she couldn't shake the feeling that Brian was there for himself rather than for her.
Taking a look at Brian's expression, Amanda could imagine that he was feeling dejected.
Boo hoo. She thought. What a fuckin' tragedy for you.
"You know, it's probably better that I'm with her for the next part." Amanda said instead, patting his arm as she quickly ducked past him, eager to escape the awkward exchange.
"Why would that be?" Brian asked quickly, before she could make her exit.
Her stomach clenched at his jealous undertones and selfish, egotistical motives. She slowly turned back to him, fixing him with an even glare.
"Because…" She enunciated precisely, "A rape kit and full body exam isn't exactly something she might want a man there for."
"I'm her boyfriend, Rollins." Brian snapped, taking a step towards her and jabbing a thumb at his chest. "I can take care of her."
"I'm sure you can." Amanda returned, lifting her chin to meet his eyes. "But this isn't about you. It's about her."
Brian scoffed and folded his arms, pinning her with a frosty glare. "You act like I don't know what she needs. I've known Liv for fifteen years, okay?"
"You know her so well from one failed one night stand as a wet behind the ears detective?" Amanda spat sharply before she could curb the anger from spilling out of her.
Olivia and Brian's one night stand during Brian's short stint with SVU was something that Olivia had told her during a late night stake out of a pedophile's house. It had been after two am and the conversation had turned to more intimate things. Maybe it was then that Amanda had truly begun to dislike Brian after realizing that even after 15 years he was still out for a sweet fuck and nothing more.
Brian's face reddened at her insult, his jaw clenching sharply. A vein throbbed in his neck but he didn't scare her. She'd known men like him her entire life and the worst had already happened to her. Besides that, she held more rank than a street cop and it wouldn't be in his best interests to test that, having already started his career over nearly twenty years in.
He stepped closer to her until they were nearly nose to nose, the scent of his sharp cologne filling her nostrils, but she stood her ground.
"Just know I'm gonna be taking her home." He said, his voice low and strained. "Don't think for a second that I don't care about her."
"I didn't say you didn't." Amanda said, stiffly, rearing even closer to his face until she could almost feel his gusting, angry breaths. "I just asked you to get your head out of your own ass, officer."
She enunciated his rank, watching him nearly combust for half a second before she spun around and marched off towards the exit, her fingers trembling around the hot cup of coffee. He was lucky she hadn't tossed it in his ignorant face.
She'd never liked Brian before and she certainly didn't now. He reminded her far too much of her days in Atlanta and the way all the male detectives walked around with chip on their shoulder. It was always going to be all about him, even when his girlfriend was lying in a hospital bed, tortured and beaten. He didn't deserve her and maybe by the end of this, Olivia would realize she didn't deserve his self centered, self serving attitude. She deserved much, much better.
Amanda took the elevator up to the floor where Olivia's room was and used the silent ride to calm her racing heart. If Brian wasn't Olivia's boyfriend, he wouldn't even be worth the effort in her pinky finger.
She needed all of her attention to go towards Olivia and assisting her through the difficult hours ahead. She needed to create a stress environment and support system and she couldn't do that if her confrontation with Brian was all over her face. Olivia was intuitive, her attention to small details one of her best qualities as a detective. Amanda knew that wouldn't fail now, even in the darkest of times.
When the doors opened, Amanda sucked in a breath and strode off the elevator. She washed back the knot of anger in her throat with a gulp of coffee, hoping that the bitterness of the drink would overshadow the bitterness of resentment.
When Amanda reached Olivia's room, the nurse was exiting, a small Indian woman in pink scrubs. Amanda released a sigh at her approachable appearance, relieved that it wasn't another man trying to explain to her how to care for her friend.
"Hey," Amanda said, pulling out her shield to show the nurse as she approached, "What's the update on Detective Benson?"
"She's doing fine." The nurse smiled, reassuringly. "I gave her something to calm her, but otherwise, her physical condition is improving."
Amanda's brain immediately snapped to concern at the nurse's implication of sedation, forgetting about Brian and his self involved behavior.
"Wait, what do you mean?" Amanda asked, "I thought she was fine."
"She's been through a traumatizing experience." The nurse said softly with a frown. "Anxiety and hyper awareness are going to last for awhile."
Amanda swallowed hard, slowly shoving her badge back into her pocket.
Maybe a part of her had hoped that Olivia would come out of this the same strong, indefatigable person she'd always been. Maybe she'd hoped the trauma wouldn't degrade her spirit, that nothing would change the woman she cared for and respected so much. Amanda wanted to be there for Olivia's road to recovery, but perhaps facing the reality of just how hard it would be was much more startling than she'd anticipated.
"Is she awake?" She asked, glancing towards the door.
"Yes, it wasn't a large dose. She also requested a shower." The nurse smiled once more, "So that's good news."
"No, we can't do that yet." Amanda shook her head, "We need to do the rape kit."
The nurse cleared her throat, glancing back at the room before she lowered her voice.
"She refused the rape kit."
"Wh-what?" Amanda stuttered for a moment before rubbing one hand over her face with a groan. "She needs to do it. There may be evidence on her body that could go towards the prosecution of a federal crime."
"Look," The nurse said, gently but firmly, "I don't know everything she's been through, but she's my patient, and as of right now she's in a good condition to make medical decisions for herself, and I cannot force her to comply to a rape kit."
"I know that, I know that." Amanda muttered, anxiously tilting her coffee cup to her lips again.
"Please, tread lightly, Detective." The nurse said. "I wouldn't advise putting her under any more stress."
"Right. Thanks." Amanda said, forcing a smile as the nurse turned to leave.
As soon as she was gone, Amanda blew out a breath and faced the hospital door.
A hundred things could've have laid behind this door, but nothing out of her imagination could be more terrifying than the thought of losing Olivia to this nightmare.
Swallowing back fear, Amanda hesitantly knocked before easing the door open. The room was quiet, insulated from the noises of the hospital corridors with only the soft beep of the monitor to fill the silence.
Amanda eased into the room, shutting the door softly behind her.
Olivia lay on the bed on her back, her face turned away towards the wall. She hardly moved or acknowledged Amanda's entrance.
"Liv." Amanda murmured, stepping closer to the bed.
The heels of her boots were loud against the tile floor, disturbing the quiet.
Olivia turned at last, her sad, dark eyes filling with relief at the sight of her.
"God, I thought you were Brian or another nurse." She sighed, pushing herself up slowly on the bed.
The bedding and hospital issued gown seemed starkly clean against her unwashed hair and bruised flesh. Underneath the harsh lights of the room the dark circles around her eyes and the injuries that seemed to dot every inch of her were even more apparent than at the horrifying beach scene. The brace encasing her wrist breathed tangibility into Amanda imagination, forcing her to wonder exactly what painful and coercive force had been used to elicit her compliance. She'd never wondered at such a thing during a disclosure before and this was where Amanda was used to seeing survivors - after the fact, the blood wiped away, the injuries tended to… But it just seemed even more unsettling now that Amanda had witnessed every crime scene as they trailed Lewis all the way to the beach house….now that Olivia was in front of her, truly traumatized.
This, however, wasn't like any other crime Amanda had ever investigated. There were no facts shrouded in mystery nor a question as to what had happened. This was cold, hard reality and Olivia had lived it, an unwilling but unmoving fixture of Lewis's four day raping and killing streak. She was no longer a police officer and now Amanda wasn't sure that she was either.
Pulling her mind away from the disturbing details and terrifying implications, Amanda murmured, "You should lie down."
Her fingers brushed the edge of the mattress, yearning to touch her.
"I've already had enough of this place." Olivia said, glancing down. Her fingers nervously scratched at her neck and she murmured, "I guess my necklace is in evidence."
"Yes." Amanda confirmed, softly. "It was a really great clue when we were trying to find you."
Olivia nodded slowly but hardly replied.
"Um...Brian said you asked for me?" Amanda said, desperately searching across Olivia's face and body for some sign that the other woman was okay.
"Yeah…" Olivia's head tilted as she picked at one nail slowly. "I thought it might feel better…. that you'd understand….you know…"
She looked over at Amanda slowly, wavy strands of hair falling over her shimmering eyes. Her gaze was strained as the unfinished statement hung in the air, begging Amanda to complete it before Olivia had to voice exactly what had happened to her.
"I understand." Amanda whispered, fervently. "But I think you need to do better than I did after I was assaulted."
"What do you mean?" Olivia's brows furrowed and she tucked her hair behind her ear nervously.
"The rape kit…" Amanda said, slowly.
Olivia exhaled a bitter scoff, turning her face away with a frown.
"I don't need to do that." She said, sharply.
"But you -" Amanda began.
"I wasn't raped." Olivia snapped, her eyes flashing as a flush rose on her cheeks.
Amanda drew back at the sudden defensiveness in her tone.
It was a relief to hear it, but Amanda wasn't sure that what Olivia had gone through didn't necessarily exclude rape. William Lewis's torture methods were much more complex than the rapists they dealt with on a daily basis. He didn't just rape the body; he took the time to ravage a person's mind and soul, to take with him every sense of self when he was done. Sex was far from being his only weapon and that was fairly evident by the burns and bruises marking Olivia's flesh, and by the empty look in her eyes. Perhaps they wouldn't find semen or tearing, but mental scars wouldn't be something so easily documented.
"Olivia…" Amanda said, slowly, easing onto the edge of the bed. "I've stood by your side a hundred times while you convinced terrified survivors to have the bravery to go through the exam in order to put away their attacker and save more people from being hurt -"
"And in that case, those women were raped." Olivia cut her off once more through clenched teeth, her voice trembling.
"You don't think there's any evidence on your body that would put another nail in his coffin?" Amanda asked, reaching out to take her hand.
Olivia's fingers lay taut and quivering in her hand and she squeezed her cold flesh.
"He didn't rape me." Olivia whispered once more. "I just want to take a shower and wash everything away."
"I know." Amanda murmured, patting her hand. "After I was raped….I showered two times, sometimes three every day...Just to get rid of what he'd done to me."
"I know it won't wash away the memories," Olivia whispered through tears, "But maybe if I can just be clean again….If I can breathe without smelling blood and sweat and alcohol…. Maybe if I can -"
Her voice caught, shattering her trembling tone into nothing and her shoulders shook sharply. Her body folded quickly, her composure disintegrating before Amanda's eyes as she lifted her hands to her face. The first of her tears wrenched from her lips in a low sob and her shuddering body hunched over, shuddering in emotional devastation.
Amanda moved in quickly, wrapping her arms around Olivia's and pulling her close. Her heart felt as if it was being rent from her chest at the sound of Olivia's distress. She never thought she would see the strongest person she knew collapsing into her own arms, overcome by a horror that Amanda could never truly imagine.
She wound her arms tightly around Olivia, holding her as close as possible as Olivia wept into her neck, dampening her hair and shirt with tears.
"Shh...It's gonna be okay, sweetheart." Amanda tried to assure her, although her own voice was taut with emotion.
She stroked her back and hair with hesitant hand. She'd always left the comforting of victims to Olivia while she gathered the useful facts. The most she could offer was the resolute promise of catching the person responsible, but that held no consolation here. She wasn't even sure that Lewis being dead would make a difference at this point. Whether he lived or died did not erase what had happened, and now all that Amanda had to offer was some paltry sympathy.
Still, she murmured, "It's okay...you'll be okay…"
"No..." Olivia moaned into her neck, her voice muffled and mangled with tears. "No...People are dead because of me. He made them suffer because of me."
"No." Amanda shook her head, hugging her tighter. "Whatever he did was his own psychotic choice. It could never be your fault."
"He told me to watch, to never close my eyes." She gasped, clenching onto Amanda's arm with an almost painful grasp. "He enjoyed seeing my pain. He -" She cut off once more as another wave sob choked up her throat.
"He would've done this with or without you." Amanda whispered. "And he would've gone on doing it if you hadn't stopped him. You saved so many people, Olivia."
Olivia didn't answer for a moment, her gasps and sniffles filling the room until she whispered raggedly, as if she had not even comprehended Amanda's words, "I begged to live….I begged with a gun in my mouth….And now I'd just rather die."
"No...shh…" Amanda tried to calm her, but her own voice was choked with dread, her throat clamming up with tears.
There was nothing she could possibly say to fix this, and that made Olivia's suicidal ideation even more terrifying. In fact, she couldn't possibly understand how deep this horror went. She'd lived through a trauma that affected her to this day, but she'd never feared so deeply for her life.
Her rapist had been a manipulator, a man who got off on using his position of power to twist sexual favors from subordinates. Lewis was on an entirely different level of psychotic. Chief Patton never would have killed her, but Lewis would've only hesitated in order to inflict more pain and torture.
Amanda wanted to be there for Olivia so much, but the amount of trauma spilling from Olivia's mouth and to her ears was almost more than she could bear. She'd trained herself to take the details of crimes from a victim and to compartmentalize the facts from the feelings, but here with Olivia she could not escape from the overwhelming sense of horror nor the deluge of emotions. She felt choked by the encroaching doom of helplessness as she realized what little resources she had with which to support or comfort her.
Still she searched her brain for some assurance that would calm her, grasping for some combination of words that would magically rectify Olivia's state of mind.
"Listen," She whispered, swallowing back tears, "It's going to be all right. You've already done the bravest thing… You survived."
She'd said the words a hundred times to survivors, but the go-to assurance rang hollow in her ears in light of Olivia's despair.
Long moments passed without a response.
At last, Olivia lay quiet and limp against her chest, unmoving for long minutes. All the while, Amanda's mind raced, wondering what was going through her mind, wondering what she could say to quiet the demons tearing through the other woman's head, but not a single particle of her being wanted to let Olivia go. The physical comfort could be utterly meaningless, but at least here, she felt as if she was somehow protecting her.
Finally, Olivia sank back and Amanda reluctantly loosened her arms from around her.
"How about that shower?" Amanda asked finally, her voice taut.
She realized that she couldn't force the issue of the rape kit. She believed Olivia when she told her that Lewis hadn't assaulted her and there was no sense in pushing her into a useless, invasive ordeal. She'd been through enough.
Olivia's brow furrowed and she lifted a hand to dash tears from beneath her eyes.
"They're going to need to document my injuries." She murmured, huskily. "We should get it over with."
"Are you sure?" Amanda asked, gently touching her arm.
"Yes." Olivia nodded. "All I ask is… that you do it."
Her eyes lifted, glittering with a sharp plea that pierced Amanda's heart. She returned the grip of Amanda's hand, her fingers trembling with each squeeze.
"Okay." Amanda nodded, her heart racing shallowly in her chest at the weight of Olivia's trust, and she murmured, "I won't let anyone else see you, I promise."
"Thank you." Olivia whispered, her lips attempting to form a half smile.
Amanda returned the soft smile and gave her hand one last squeeze before she rose from the bed.
"Let me get the camera down here." She said, turning towards the door.
She found it hard to break the contact of their gazes, and she realized quickly how hard it was going to be to leave her for even a moment.
She'd never expected more than a professional relationship with Olivia, but if these last few hours had told her anything, it was that they now had more understanding of each other than anyone else in their lives; and deep down, Amanda didn't think she'd ever want to take that back.