The large, CSU camera rested heavily in Amanda's hand as she stood near the foot of Olivia's hospital bed, her eyes nervously glancing up towards the other woman intermittently.
Olivia's back was turned to her, the fingers of her good arm poised at the base of her neck where she tugged at the strings holding the hospital gown together. The large eyehole of the gown already revealed a long strip of olive flesh before the arch of her spine fell into shadow.
Amanda could almost see the tremble in her hand as she struggled to release the tethers of the gown and a part of her wanted to reach out and help her, but it seemed more inappropriate than helpful; not to mention the fact that she felt far from prepared. The longer Olivia took to undress, the longer Amanda could put off the reality of the situation.
When she had left the CSU team just outside the door, she'd been eager to do their job and to be the saving grace that Olivia so desperately needed through the invasive process, but now the palpability of Olivia's humiliation weighed upon her chest with all the force of a thousand bricks.
The thud of her heart sounded loud against her ears in the silence of the room, and she adjusted her sweating palms around the camera as the gown finally slipped from Olivia's shoulders. She'd already used several precious, distracting moments turning it on and adjusting the controls, and all she could do was look off into a random corner of the room, jaw clenched to ward off the horrendous guilt for having to do this to her.
She hadn't expected this moment to be so suffocating. It didn't feel right to be standing here, invading the last of her dignity, but something held her rooted to the ground, forcing her eyes to view the degrading scene.
Olivia had asked her to do this and she searched for the strength inside of her to view her body as clinically and professionally as possible while being both gentle and caring. There was a line between the two that was more dangerous than she wanted to imagine, but she reminded herself that it was better her than someone else.
"Okay…" Olivia's rigid tone broke the pattern of her thoughts. "I'm ready."
Amanda lifted her eyes, swallowing against a knot in throat as she gazed at Olivia's naked back. The only scrap of material left on her body was a pair of plain hospital-issued panties and with the gown discarded, Amanda could see the bruises dotting her shoulder blades and spine, punctuated by scrapes and lacerations. She sucked in a low, quavering breath, her stomach surging at the damage that had been done to her soft flesh.
"Okay." She whispered, her voice trembling barely above an audible tone.
She wrapped her fingers tighter around the camera as she stepped closer to Olivia and lifted the device. Her battered skin came into the screen, appearing pale and stark through the camera's lens.
Amanda hesitated, her finger quivering over the button. Her throat felt tight, unnatural tears stinging her eyes, and she wondered again if maybe this was too much.
"Amanda…" Olivia's voice was soft. "Please...It's okay…"
Amanda bit down on her lip and pressed her eyes shut for a moment, searching for those spaces inside her mind where she could pack away the most horrific sights, far away from her emotions.
She forced her eyes open and clenched the camera in her fingers, stabbing the button sharply. The shutter made a loud clicking noise in the silence and Amanda released a low, ragged breath beneath the cover of the noise.
The bruised plane of Olivia's back stared back at her from the screen, the first piece of evidence gathered from Lewis's last victim. Somehow the image just made the horrifying moment even more real.
"Okay, j-just...Just turn around." Amanda stuttered, fighting against the urge to throw the camera down and rush from the room before the reality of this moment became even more solidified.
Olivia turned slowly, her arms crossed over her chest, her head lowered. Thick auburn locks covered one side of her face, but Amanda could see the distant look in her eyes. She was imagining someplace else, somewhere far away from this brutally invasive moment, and it cast a sharp pain through Amanda's chest to think that she was inflicting more trauma on top of already open wounds.
Amanda swallowed heavily as she directed the camera at her chest where half a dozen burn marks were seared into her flesh. They'd been treated but only time would make them fade from their gruesome appearance.
Click.
The camera flashed again and Amanda could see Olivia flinch slightly at the light and the sound.
Another strong urge to give up this sickening procedure washed over her, and Amanda lowered her head, pressing her eyes shut against a rush of tears. The camera weighed heavy in her hands, and she lowered it for a moment as she tried to swallow back the bile from her throat.
"Amanda…" Olivia's voice drew her out of her concentration once more.
She looked up at Olivia, meeting her guarded gaze. The sobs that had so recently fallen from her mouth were gone, replaced by sheen of unsettling calm.
"Why would you ask me to do this?" Amanda whispered, feeling the camera shudder in her hands.
"Would you want some stranger taking pictures of you like this?" Olivia asked, a frown and flash of emotion crossing her steeled expression.
Amanda looked away, releasing a ragged breath.
"No." She whispered at last.
"Then don't stop." Olivia said, her voice regaining it's rigid inflection.
Amanda nodded, clenching her teeth against further urges to emotionally collapse. She couldn't fail Olivia now - not after she'd gone through so much.
Licking her lips, Amanda flexed her perspiring fingers around the camera as she lifted it once more.
She felt like some kind of scavenger, searching for the last bits of Olivia's decency to feast on. She'd already seen the way everyone looked at her, the pity apparent in their gazes, the curiosity that ran just beneath even more startling. The press was no doubt outside the doors, thirsty for details after Olivia's four day captivity in the hands of a monster, ready to deliver a heart wrenching piece to the public on her survival - and Amanda wanted nothing to do with being one of them. Olivia hadn't fought for her life only to have the appalling details played back to her over and over again on the television; and yet Amanda was here to document her injuries as fodder for the prosecution - an ordeal that might be even more harrowing than the horde of reporters outside.
Amanda blinked away the swirling thoughts from her brain, searching for focus as the camera zeroed in on Olivia's wrists clutched close to her chest, saving herself from the prying lens. Amanda's gut clenched at the thought of having to strip that away.
"I'll just need your arms." She murmured, staring steadily at the camera.
Olivia hesitated for half a second, and Amanda couldn't bring herself to lift her eyes as her hands slid haltingly away from her breasts.
Amanda immediately dropped the camera's focus to her outstretched hands, one clasped in the brace. She bit at her lower lip, fighting back burning tears of commiseration as she pressed a quivering finger to the button. The click and the flash of the camera was loud in the silence as it captured the ligature marks circling Olivia's wrists. Amanda barely swallowed a cry as she inched the camera up to the bruises and burns marring her forearms.
Olivia's hands were shuddering, her body going rigid each time the camera clicked.
Amanda blinked hard against the tears forming in her eyes, clearing her vision in order to properly capture the image. With her head ducked, she managed to angle her arm across one cheek to wipe away the evidence of her weakness.
"Okay, that's enough of your arms." She whispered, staring at the screen until Olivia gathered her arms back against herself.
Lifting the camera upwards, Amanda hesitated for a moment at the hollow look on Olivia's face. Her gaze was tilted to the right, and a sheen of tears covered her dark, chocolate eyes, though the rest of her expression was stoic.
"I'll just need one of your face...f-for the bruises…" Amanda tried not to stutter, but she couldn't help the uneasy feeling pushing her off balance at every turn.
Olivia's eyes turned towards her, blinking quickly, and Amanda could see her resurrecting the mask of control she'd been wearing up until this moment.
"Okay, go ahead." She nodded, her voice full of forced calm.
Amanda nodded back, and lifted the heavy camera with trembling muscles. She aimed it at Olivia's face, capturing the bruises and contusions lining her brow, cheekbone and jaw.
She hesitated, swallowing against the knot in her throat.
Despite the camera between them, Olivia seemed to stare straight through her, her eyes trained on her via the lens.
"Do it." Olivia murmured, staring resolutely into the camera.
Amanda released a pent up breath and quickly punched the button. The shutter clicked loudly, forever memorializing the haunted look of invasion and vulnerability trapped inside her eyes, framed in the shadow of dark purple swelling.
Amanda stared back at the recorded image, and could only imagine how it would be displayed in the courtroom, splayed out for every single juror and officer of the court to see. A part of her wanted to destroy the picture, to protect Olivia from further harm in the hands of the well-intentioned and justice driven. She'd walked into this room determined to convince Olivia towards pursuing legal action, but now the police officer in her had fled, leaving behind the scared young woman who had never even sought justice for herself.
"I think that's enough." She whispered, lowering the camera.
As she flipped back through the photos, she wasn't sure if she was satisfied with quality of the photos or if she simply wanted to escape this unnerving moment.
"Amanda." Olivia said, softly, catching her attention.
"What?"
"Come on…" She whispered, her brow furrowing, voice low and thick, "You know they never take less than one hundred of these."
Amanda swallowed against a dry throat, and glanced back down at the camera. She knew Olivia was right, but she wanted this to be over for both of their sakes.
"Why did you ask me?" She asked once more in whisper, barely meeting her gaze. "Why didn't you ask Brian… or… someone else…?"
"Brian." Olivia repeated, her tone almost cynical. "Why? Because he's my boyfriend? Because he's seen me naked already?"
Amanda bit down hard on her lip against a deluge of tears. She felt like a failure to Olivia, ungrateful to the fact that she'd been entrusted with this procedure above anyone else. Instead of being determined to gather the evidence to nail Lewis, she wanted to hide them from the repercussions of a trial.
"I never had to do this." Amanda whispered at last, though she wasn't sure why she wanted to tell Olivia what a coward she had been.
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't report." She shrugged, glancing away to hide the tears that wanted to escape her lids. "I never told anyone. I never did a rape kit… I never had to be this brave."
Olivia was quiet for a moment before she murmured, "That's why I asked you."
"Because I'm a coward?" Amanda scoffed, sarcastically.
"Because I knew you'd treat me with the same amount of privacy as you'd afford yourself." Olivia returned and for a moment, her tone was almost even, almost unshattered by the trauma...almost the same woman she'd always known.
Amanda nodded slowly, trying to imagine Brian standing here instead of her, and she shook her head at the thought. He wouldn't understand, and he wouldn't even know where to begin to find the gentility to complete this task. He had no comprehension of the horrors that either of them had lived through. In fact, he was almost always in a position to manipulate and exploit.
Lifting her eyes, Amanda stared steadfastly back into Olivia's dark, wounded gaze, and she knew she had to be more strong and more brave than she'd ever been.
Hoisting the camera once more, she branded determination into her blood as Olivia's broken body came into the frame.
Her hands shook, but as the click of the camera resumed, she whispered with all the courage she could conjure, "I won't let you down."