It's 11:11 When there's not much time left to the day When we used to make wishes and laugh Everything reminds me of you - Kim Taeyeon "11:11"

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I jerk awake, lying curled up on the sofa. I hadn't even realized I had fallen asleep, the TV is still playing but turned down. Huh, I wonder when that happened. Didn't I have it turned up to keep me awake?

I sit up, running my hand through my hair and look up at the grandfather clock pressed against the far wall,

"11:11…" I sigh, closing my eyes, making a silent wish.

Opening my eyes again, I grab the remote, turning off the TV and standing up, wrapping the blanket around my body. I head into the kitchen to grab a glass of water, drinking slowly my eyes move over to the calendar hanging on the refrigerator.

Why would I still have that date marked? I should have erased it a long time ago. It's not like it was really that important to begin with. Probably wasn't even worth saving that date. Right?

Then why does the thought cause my heart to hurt?

I shake my head, not wanting to think on it.

I turn around, leaning on the counter and staring at the empty kitchen table. And I can't help but to think back to that night.

"Doll, I have to go. It is my duty, my responsibility." Steve calmly speaks, leaning in the back of the dinning chair.

I roll my eyes at him.

"You are retired Steve! There are others now to fight, YOU trained them. Captain America hung up his shield to live a normal life as Steve Rogers."

He hangs his head, letting out a long sigh,

"You just don't get it. I have to go. Tony called me and you know Tony wouldn't ask unless they really needed me. Nothing you could say is going to change the fact that I am going to fight alongside Tony and the others again… I'm going to come out of retirement for good. Even if I'm not always up for active duty, I'm rejoining The Avengers."

The tone in his voice in final. There is not going to be any more argument. He has made his choice, but it is a choice I cannot agree with or support. I know what being Captain America did to him. He lost himself, he lost who Steve Rogers is and let the Captain rule him.

I give a huff of my own. "So that's it? How I feel or what I think doesn't matter? You're just going to leave me, leave us."

He shakes his head, "Doll, it's not like that. I'll be back…"

"That's just it Steve. You don't know that you'll be back. You don't know what you are walking into. Aliens? Infinity Stones? Some fucker named Thantos? How can you say you are going to be back?"

I stand up from the chair, nearly knocking the object over from force.

"I refuse to sit around and wait for the news to tell me that you are dead or for you to come home so broken, both mentally and physically, you can barely recover. I can't do it Steve. I have stood by you through so much, but Steve, I can't do it anymore. I want a life with you; I want marriage, and kids and everything. But we can't have that if you are still an Avenger, it's just not possible. If you walk out that door to rejoin the Avengers, then you will not have a home here to return to."

And just like that, you were gone. You walked out of my life and abandoned us. I tried to act like I was okay, move on with my life. I refused to listen to anything involving the avengers, good or bad; because I knew the moment I heard your name, it would make it hurt all over again. I know I shouldn't have been hurt, I was the one who broke it off with you, but you were the one who made the decision for me. You could have stayed, we could have been happy, living together and continuing with our lives like nothing had changed. But yet, you just had to go, leaving me with nothing but your memories.

I remember a few nights after that night, I found myself sitting up late like we used to do after you got home from a mission. I sat at the widow feeling the coldness from the outside against my skin. As I sat there, I remember my thoughts going to you.

'It's 11:11 at night, we used to always make wishes now. Do you remember? I used to wish for a happy ever after with you. I know now I'll never have that. Not with you anyway. But now I'm just wishing that where ever you are, whoever you are with that you are happy and safe. And at 11:11, not much time left in the day, I wish that soon, I'll be over you.'

I wipe the tears from my eyes, leaving the kitchen and heading to my office. It has been a year since you left, why would I suddenly be thinking about you again?

I stare blankly at the envelope which remains unopened on the desk. My mind drifts off to the visit I got just last week. The day had started off normal, but ended so unexpected, the event has really thrown me off. I haven't been the same since they came to see me.

I was in my office, reading over some papers for work when someone starts banging on the door. Standing from my desk, I make my way out to the entry way,

"Tony Stark? What in the world are you doing here?" I ask I open the door to let him in.

He steps in and right behind him is,

"Bucky?! What the hell are you two doing together? Hell must have frozen over if you two are able to be in the same room together without trying to kill each other." I joke with them, laughing.

My smile falls as I see them glance unsure at each other. Bucky shifts his feet awkwardly as Tony fiddles with the cuff of his suit jacket.

I narrow my eyes at them, their behavior is putting me on edge and I don't like it.

"Alright, what the hell is up with you two?" I demand with my hands on my hips, "You're acting like someone died or something."

Tony and Bucky's bodies go ridged. You could cut the tension with a knife. My eyes dart between the two of them, trying to read their faces, but they are too in control of their expressions. Something is seriously wrong with them and I want to know what it is.

I step up closer to Bucky, "Bucky Barnes, you tell me what is going on right now. You and Tony both show up at my apartment after a year of not speaking, you both have this grim look on your face. Something is wrong, now tell me what it is or get the fuck out."

Bucky takes a deep breath and looks my square in the eye, "It's about Steve…"

His voice trembles as he speaks, and I can see him trying to swallow back his emotions. Tony even looks close to crying.

Oh God, maybe I don't want to know.

"What about Steve Bucky? We've been broken up for a year now. He has nothing to do with me."

"Kid," Tony starts, catching my attention, "something happened to Steve, something really bad."

I glance over at Tony, taking note of the sorrow in his eyes.

"What happened?" I whisper.

I might be trying to act like I don't care, but my heart is in my throat. I can feel the knots in my stomach getting tighter with every second that passes.

Bucky takes a hold of my hand, pulling me over to the sofa.

"Steve is, missing. The kind of missing where we're not sure we will ever find him. He is being declared killed in action."

"No… That's not funny Bucky. Steve… Steve is not dead. He can't be! Bucky, tell me that you are just playing a very cruel joke. Steve is fine and going to come through that door any moment now. Right?!"

Tony and Bucky stare at me with pity and sorrow. I look between the two men, waiting for one of them to just say "gotcha!"

Tony simply gives me a shake of his head, turning his head down to the ground.

My heart stops. God, it's my worst fear come true! I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to hold back tears, my chest tightens as it gets harder to breath. It has been a year since I last saw him, why does it still hurt so bad? He left me, he choose to be an Avenger over having a life with me!

Damn it Steve! Why the hell do you always have to be a hero?! Why couldn't you have just stayed?! You asshole!

No! I will not cry, I- I have to be strong…

I choke out a sob, collapsing over into Bucky's lap. I weep from the lost of a love I will never see again. A love lost to in time, never to see what could have been.

Bucky lays his hand on my back, rubbing softly, trying to comfort me.

"Shh, doll, please calm down. You're not breathing right, you are going to send yourself into hysterics."

I jerk up right, and glare the two men in front of me, particularly Tony Stark,

"This is your fault!" I hiss, charging at him, "You did this! You killed Steve!"

I bang my fists against his chest, screaming and crying and Tony just stands there, taking my abuse.

"If you had never called him, Steve would still be here! He would be alive! Why couldn't you leave him the fuck alone?!"

I sense Bucky come up behind me, grabbing me around the waist, and pulling me to him and holding me tight to his chest and my legs give out from under me. He carefully sinks to the floor with me in his arms, allowing me to scream and cry out my pain, stroking my hair and rocking me gently.

A year, and the news of Steve's death is still like a bullet to my heart.

The tears soon run dry and I'm just left there with my head against Bucky's shoulder, staring off into space.

"I'm so sorry Doll. I never wanted to be the one to tell you. But we all thought that maybe the news would be easier coming from me. Be-before Steve… before the battle, Steve told me he left something for you and that if anything were to happen to him, he wanted me to give it to you."

Bucky shifts me and takes a thick manila envelope out of his inner jacket pocket and placing the package in my lap. I don't react; say nothing, do nothing, feel nothing.

He's gone, Steve is really, truly gone.

As the memory fades, I'm once more wiping my eyes of all tears. I have yet to read the letter you left me. I've been too scared, because I know in my heart, whatever you have to say in this letter will completely undo everything I have done to try and move on. I cannot spend the rest of my life pining over you, Steve Rogers. It is just not fair to me.

You made your choice and I made mine, there is nothing that can be done to undo them. I have to accept that you are gone and never coming back. I have to accept that I will never have a life with you.

And with a shaky hand, I take pick up the envelope, open the bottom draw of my desk and shove the letter to the very bottom. I will keep this part of you for a little longer, waiting until I'm stronger, when I have truly moved on. Only then will I read what you have to say.

"Everything finds its own place, returning to the normal I used to know. I can smile a little more, even when I hear your name. But everyday gets easier, everyday it hurts a little less. And soon I know; I'll be over you."