Hey, everybody, I just wanted to stop and say one more time that I am so overwhelmed by the response I've received from this fic. Everyone who has commented and followed has been so awesome, and while this piece takes a look at the gritty, horrific side of PTSD (and that has been the entire point of this work), I want to remind you all that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The following chapters have been pretty harrowing to write so far, and I hope you'll all be conscious of your own abilities to handle triggering material. I love you all so much, and thank you again. Bring on your thoughts and your ideas and insights!
xxxxx
The room was silent now, a stark contrast to the click and flash of the camera that had gone on for what felt like an eternity, like some kind of absurd double feature. She had no audience but the screaming of her own mind
For every single picture that had been captured Olivia had prayed for the end, for a quiet space away from the click of the camera, but now as an uneasy silence gripped them, she almost wished the concentration of gathering evidence would continue.
She'd taken the camera from Amanda's hands, quietly and without explanation, and she could feel the other detective watching her cryptic movements with a concerned gaze. Olivia didn't look up at her.
Turning away, Olivia bit at her lip as she scrolled through the photos. It seemed strange to see her body here. She was used to seeing stranger's pictures in case files or pinned to the board in the squad room. She was used to taking in the brutality with a professional eye, containing her anger over the horrific acts that she witnessed everyday. She felt all at once disconnected from the photos and at the same time horrifically humiliated by them.
She'd refused the rape kit in order to distance herself from the reality of this aftermath. She'd spent the entire photographing ordeal shutting out the overwhelming fear and shame, telling herself that if she could just avoid the doctors, avoid the procedure, that she could pretend that Lewis hadn't violated her deep inside.
It's pointless. She'd told herself. They won't find anything.
But standing here, flipping through every single picture, she realized a terrifying fact - anyone looking at these would automatically assume that she'd been raped. No other woman had escaped Lewis's torture, and she'd spent two times as long with him as any other victim. Her refusal of the rape kit would only appear as an ashamed detective hiding the fact that she'd been raped, even after years of training on self defense and negotiation.
Gritting her teeth against another wave of tears, she pushed on, taking in each picture until there were no more. She remember the moments when each burn and bruise had been emblazoned on her flesh. She remembered the feel of his hands on her, assaulting her in ways that were only an inkling of what violence he could perform on her weakened body. It took everything within her not to be sucked into the memories. She couldn't collapse again, not so soon.
She breathed out, lowering the camera. Gazing towards the wall, she steeled herself against cowardly fear.
She'd encouraged so many victims to pursue their attackers in court just as Amanda was urging her now, but justice seemed to be a far away idea, almost inconceivable at this point. The rape kit would hardly prove anything aside from the fact that she hadn't been raped…. But maybe that was the reasoning she needed to do what she knew was right. A sharp knife of guilt cut through her stomach at just how selfish her motivations were. She'd always thought of herself as a warrior for the victims, for the ones who couldn't speak - people like Alice Parker or Mrs. Mayer - but all she could think of in this moment was proving that she hadn't been raped.
Opening her eyes, she slowly set the camera on the hospital bed and bent to grab her gown from the floor. She could feel Amanda's eyes digging into the back of her head as she dressed herself, and she loathed the feeling of any gaze on her naked flesh at this moment. She didn't want Amanda to look into her eyes and catch a glimpse of the self centered thoughts.
She tugged the gown over her shoulders, leaving the strings to hang open in the back as she turned back towards Amanda.
"I'll do it." She managed to say through the tightness gripping her throat.
Amanda's tense gaze shifted into surprise, though she quickly masked it. Stepping towards her, brows furrowed, she asked, "The rape kit?"
Olivia nodded, slowly, clutching the gown to her chest. She couldn't quite meet Amanda's wide, blue eyes. She was afraid that if she truly contemplated the compassion lying inside that deep, cerulean landscape that she would crumple in shame.
"Are you sure?" Amanda asked, gently, though Olivia sensed relief somewhere inside her voice.
"There could be blood or saliva." She whispered, staring towards the floor, avoiding Amanda's tender advances.
Amanda seemed lost for words for a moment, before she said, "Okay...I'll get the doctor."
Olivia nodded once more, keeping her gaze pinned to the floor.
She couldn't stand the thought of Amanda thinking anything less of her than she always had. Amanda's respect for her had always been apparent, and as the only other woman in the squad, Olivia thought she might be crushed if she tainted that bond between them.
Amanda reached past her to take the camera from the bed. She hesitated, turning the camera over in her hands.
"Do you want me to stay with you?" She murmured at last.
Olivia swallowed hard against the knot in her throat, feeling tears sting her eyes. Was she even worthy of Amanda's love and care?
"I think…" She whispered, glancing up at Amanda's wide gaze at last. "I think I need to do this on my own."
The words sounded hollow even to her own ears, lacking the conviction it would take to convince Amanda to leave her side. She could see the doubt forming in Amanda's eyes before she'd even spoken the entire sentence.
You don't have to prove anything to me, Olivia." Amanda said, quietly, stepping closer.
"I'm not trying to." Olivia returned, rushing to defend herself in blatant panic.
"Liv…" Amanda whispered, her tone dropping to an even softer volume at the sight of the tears rising in Olivia's eyes. "God...I know you must be terrified."
Olivia looked away sharply, clutching her hands tighter to her chest as her heart throbbed dully with the burn of Amanda's compassion. She knew she could hold it together if she could find a way to disconnect from these emotions, but Amanda's kindness wasn't allowing for it.
"I know this must feel like the end of the fucking world." Amanda continued, her tone wrought with empathy. "You feel like he's taken everything from you, and that you'll never be the same person again."
Olivia couldn't even find the strength to nod as hot tears gripped her, wrenching her face and throat tight. She dragged the cotton gown up against her mouth, rigidly holding herself back from the tears that wanted to break free. She didn't know how it was possible to feel so numb and yet so overcome by sadness.
Amanda tossed the camera to the bed and reached out to touch her. Her hands were hesitant and soft, skimming over her shoulders and down to her elbows. She shivered, a small whimper filtering through the material bunched at her lips.
Her body felt highly attuned to every single sensation. Her brain screamed that each tiny movement was an attack while her heart ached for a tender, human connection.
She managed not to collapse as Amanda pulled her in, and she pressed her head slowly to the other woman's shoulder. Amanda's arms slid around her, her hands rubbing slowly over back.
"The world may be crashing down," Amanda whispered, "but it will rise again. You will rise again. You may not ever be the same, but you'll find a way to adapt. You will survive this."
Amanda's soft tone, and steadfast belief in her pushed the first cry from her lips - a giant wave tearing down the floodgates. She shuddered, swaying against Amanda's frame in utter grief as she sobs ripped from her mouth. Amanda's arms were unfailing, her smaller body willingly taking the brunt of Olivia's collapse.
She held her through the long minutes of agony, murmuring soft assurances. She promised not to leave, taking vows of vigilance that Olivia believed, even through the haze of terror and hopelessness. She'd never trusted anyone to keep such a promise before, but she had one single light at the end of this long, dark tunnel, and she wouldn't let go of her now.
xxxxx
It had been hard to breathe for hours now, but stepping outside of Olivia's hospital room, Amanda suddenly found the sharp blade of emotion thrust through her lungs, expanding her chest suddenly with panic. She'd kept herself strong in front of Olivia, but as the door fell shut behind her, she gasped for a breath, tears rushing promptly to her eyes. She grabbed onto the doorframe for support, clasping a hand over her face,as she tried to steady her breathing, but her heart ached so deeply that she could hardly control it.
She'd forced the worst of her fears beneath lock and key while she'd been in the room with Olivia, but now that she was alone, the force of her devastation hit her. She was scared. She was angry. She was disturbed. An unfathomable sadness ran just beneath every other emotion, and it had been easier to latch on to the anger or the horror rather than to feel the entire weight of despair.
She realized she'd left the CSU camera inside of the room, but she couldn't force herself back inside the room at the moment.
The quiet hall captured the soft gasps that emitted from her throat, echoing them back to her in a dark harmony. Turning towards the wall, she pressed her forehead to the cool surface, and attempted to suck the emotion back down into her chest. Her body wasn't ready to accept the force of calm composure but she couldn't allow herself to break.
The rape kit lay ahead, and she could feel the heavy weight of apprehension. She'd pushed Olivia to go through the procedure in order to gather evidence against Lewis, but after taking the pictures, she felt sick at the idea of stripping away another layer of Olivia's privacy. As insistent as Olivia had been on refusing the rape kit, she now seemed to do just the opposite, and Amanda didn't think she could call herself an officer of the law if she found some way to dissuade her.
She pushed away from the wall with her hands flat against the surface and stared steadily towards the white tile. She breathed through her nose, exhaling slowly out of her mouth as she regained control.
She'd taught herself breathing techniques after her own rape, privately scouring the web for some type of self help to get her through the panic attacks. She'd been far too embarrassed to contact a real therapist or tell anyone at all. No one would have believed her, unlike Olivia who had an entire police department backing her. This was a crime that had the potential for real justice, and maybe if Lewis ended up in prison, she could feel some type of redemption for herself too. She only wished there was another way...
Finally the raspy sound of her breathing faded and her heart slowed. There was a slight tremble in her hands, but she ignored it.
When she turned from the wall, she spotted Brian returning. His head was down, brows drawn, and she supposed she should have some kind of compassion for him, but she didn't.
"Hey, how'd it go?" He asked as he approached.
"She agreed to the rape kit." Amanda said, glancing back towards the room.
"Wow." Brian said, brows rising, "That's good,right? I mean...we'll know for sure…"
Amanda frowned, and folded her arms.
"You don't believe her?" She asked, stiffly.
"I do…" Brian said, slowly. "I mean...I should."
Amanda held back a sigh, and returned, "I thought you wanted to support her."
"I do. But you know Liv. She won't ask for help. And she definitely doesn't want to admit it when she loses."
"I wouldn't exactly call being raped 'losing'." Amanda scoffed. "This isn't a game."
Brian narrowed his eyes at her, and snapped. "You know what I mean."
The next spiteful words were on her tongue when their bickering was interrupted by Olivia's nurse returning. They both quieted as she approached, clipboard in hand.
"Detectives." She said with a nod.
Her greeting wasn't exactly warm, but Amanda couldn't blame her for being annoyed at their constant inquiries and reasoning. However, Olivia had agreed to the rape kit and Amanda knew it needed to be the highest priority.
"I talked to Olivia and she's agreed to the rape kit." Amanda said, keeping her eyes on the doctor and away from Brian's perturbed expression.
The nurse's brows rose as she consulted the clipboard that held Olivia's chart.
"Of her own will?" She asked.
"Of course." Amanda replied, sharply.
Her own patience was thin. She knew how to talk to a victim. She was an SVU detective after all.
"I'll have to confirm that." The nurse said with a brisk smile before pulling the door open and disappearing inside the room.
Brian let out a long sigh and paced away, running his fingers through his hair in taut exasperation.
Amanda ignored him. She was more concerned with the upcoming exam, and she could already feel anxiety pushing a knot down into her throat. A few years ago she'd barely managed to make it through her work day imagining the procedure and taking statements from victims, but somewhere along the way she'd found the consolation in her job that she needed in order to push her past what had happened with Patton. She'd thought she'd locked away enough rapists to feel some type of closure, but it seemed as if Olivia's trauma and Lewis's violence had ripped away whatever solace she'd managed to maintain in her job.
If I can't make it through this exam with her what kind of cop am I? She thought, watching the hospital door with an unwavering gaze. What kind of friend am I?
She couldn't believe that Patton had destroyed her more than Lewis had destroyed Olivia, and she couldn't let it be true. The past be damned. Olivia's future was at stake, and it held far more significance than she could ever imagine devoting to herself. Patton would have to stay where he'd always been - far away in the recesses of her brain where she never dared to look. After all this time it almost seemed like he belonged there.