Summary: "Right now if I could ride a time machine and go to meet you I wouldn't wish for anything else. Before memories become distant and fleeting, I need a time machine" -Girls Generation "Time Machine"
'40's Bucky AU!
And here you have some angst! Please tell me what you think! Happy Reading!
"Lilyana, I'm sorry but I think that this is for the best." Bucky says in an apologetic tone.
"For the best?!" Lilyana shouts, "how is breaking up with me for the best Bucky? Not too long ago we were talking about the future and when would be the best time to get married. What happened? Why?"
Bucky looks down at his shoes, unable to keep eye contact any longer, "I don't know. Things change I guess."
He mumbles his answer that has Lilyana scoffing, arms crossed over her chest. A thought crosses her mind and she has to ask,
"Is it another woman?"
He does not answer, just keeps his head down. Anger builds over the hurt, tears blurring her vision. All she wants to do is reach out and slap him.
"I hate you James Barnes, I regret loving you! I gave you three years of my life and you throw it away from some share crop*1! Get out! Get out of my house right now and I NEVER want to see you again you lying bastard!"
She picks up a pillow off of the sofa and throws it at him, anything within her reach she is picking it up and chucking it at Bucky. He covers his head and runs out the front door, Lilyana still yelling at him.
Once he is out and the door slams shut behind him, Lilyana collapses to the floor, tears streaming down her face. She does not try to silence the sobs wracking her body. The cries of a broken heart echo throughout the quiet house.
When she feels she can cry no more, she forces herself from the floor and heads to the bathroom. A long hot shower will help make her feel better.
After her shower, she walks into her bedroom and her eyes go right to all of the gifts that Bucky has given her over the course of their relationship. She grabs an empty box and just shoves everything into the box. She wants all traces of James Barnes gone from her sight and her life. The last thing she picks up to put in the box is a stuffed brown bear. A small smile plays at her lips, it is the bear that Bucky won for her on one of their dates when they had gone to Coney Island together; that day means so much to her. Even though they both knew all the games there were rigged, Bucky had been determined to get her a stuffed toy.
She sits down on the bed, letting her mind wonder back to one of the happiest days of her life.
*flashback*
"I'm going to make it this time!" Bucky declares, full of confidence.
Bucky and Lilyana are standing in line waiting for Bucky to get his chance to prove his strength, something that he was sure that he will be able to get the highest score.
Lilyana lets out a sigh, "Come on Bucky, just give it up please. You have already spent five dollars*2on other games. Save your money for something more important."
He gives her a look, "Doll, winning a prize for you is important; it's a pride thing."
She rolls her eyes again, but says nothing. She takes a step back and lets him go about wasting his money. Though a small part of her wishes he would win her a toy. Since arriving to the booth, she has had her eye on the cutest brown bear stuffed animal. She watches him step up and get into position to hit the punching bag that will measure the force of his strength.
Putting his all into the one hit, the meter goes speeds passed the previous high score and keeps going. The crowd is left in amazement; gasping and cheering for Bucky who has no problem showing off for the people. Lilyana laughs at his ridiculous behavior, but cheers right along with the crowd. He grabs her and pulls her to him,
"So, which one would you like Doll? Take your pick."
Lilyana points right to the bear she had been eyeing. Bucky's shoulders fall slightly,
"That one? But wouldn't you want a bigger one? You can get any one that you want."
She just shakes her head and tells the man running the booth which one she would like and he hands it to her.
Bucky takes it from the man before Lilyana can grab it, "Bucky!"
"You can have this if you do one thing for me." Bucky smirks, holding the bear from her reach,
"Bucky…" she whines out trying to get the bear.
"Nope, not until you promise to do something for me."
Groaning, she throws her hands up in the air, "Fine, what is it?"
He grins, "Go steady with me."
A light blush dust her cheeks, "Really? You want to go steady?"
"Of course Doll, we have been courtin' for a while now. You have me completely under your spell. So what do you say?"
She smiles wide, "I would love to go steady with you Bucky!"
He lets out a loud laugh, wrapping her in his arms and swinging her around. She squeals out, laughing right along with Bucky. When he finally places her back on her feet, he does not waste a second before capturing her mouth in a searing kiss. Their first kiss.
*end flashback*
Placing the bear back in its place on the bed, her Bucky Bear. Maybe keeping one thing would not be so bad.
Weeks pass and Lilyana finds herself still missing Bucky, no matter how much she tells herself to move on, that he left her, her heart is not ready to let go. Her friends have been doing all that they can to try and cheer her up, keep her from thinking about the jerk, but it is not helping.
One night they drag her out to the Stark Expo, apparently Howard Stark would be revealing a flying car. She has to admit that she is finds the idea interesting. So she goes along with them, getting dressed in one of her best outfits, fixing up her hair and make-up. Taking in her appearance, she finds herself looking more like herself, looking like she did weeks ago before… well.
"Come on Lily! Let's go!"
"I'm coming Ruth, just give me one second to slip my shoes on!"
She rushes to get her shoes on and runs down the hall to meet with Ruth, "Okay, let's go."
Ruth does not say anything, but this is the first time she has seen her friend smile since the break-up. It is nice to see her getting back to normal self. But she still wants to punch that jerk Bucky for breaking her best friends heart.
The link arms and head off to the Expo, excitedly talking about what all they might see, and how amazing it will be to be so close to THE Howard Stark. Standing among the crowd, waiting for the show to start, Lilyana's eyes begin to move over the unfamiliar face, just taking in her surroundings. That is until her eyes fall onto a face that is not so unfamiliar.
She feels her heart stop, the smile falls from her face and tears well up in her eyes.
"Lily? What is it?" Ruth questions.
When Lilyana does not answer, Ruth follows her line of sight and finds what has caused Lilyana's sudden change.
"Oh Lily…"
She just shakes her head and pulls away. Forcing her way through the crowd, she leaves as fast as she can. She could not believe his nerve. How could he be out like that? Is she the one he broke up with her for? What does she have that Lilyana doesn't? Is this new woman really that much better?
She runs right to her room, curling up in a ball, holding tight to her Bucky Bear, silently crying out for Bucky to come and end her hurt. She ends up crying herself to sleep with thoughts of Bucky running through her head.
Lilyana sighs, looking at the store shelves. Her eyes dance around the different items, trying to figure out what to buy, but her mind is not fully processing what it is she is looking at. Thought of last night, seeing Bucky out with that pretty brunette, still playing in her head. She tries to convince herself that she is not bothered by it, but she is. It still hurts, the pain of him breaking up, is still there. It just took seeing him to realize it that she was not over him like she believed. Why is she unable to forget about him, she feels like a fool.
"Lilyana? Is that you?"
She jumps at the soft female voice that brings her from her thoughts, "Huh? Oh, Rebecca, hello. It is nice to see you again. It has been awhile."
Lilyana is confused, why would Bucky's little sister be talking to her when she and Bucky are no longer together.
"Yeah, Buck said that you had been busy with work so that you could not come around as much." Rebecca gives a small smile, "But I would have expected you to at least make time to see Bucky off this morning."
"See Bucky off? What are you talking about Rebecca?"
"Bucky is being sent overseas. Sergeant James Barnes of the 107th."
Lilyana's whole world just stops, she has to hold on to the shelves to keep from hitting the floor.
"Lilyana!" Rebecca rushes to her to help hold her up, "are you okay?"
"H-he was d-drafted? Oh God! I-I didn't know! Rebecca, Bucky broke up with me weeks ago! Why wouldn't he tell me? W-why? He said that there was another woman, and then I-I saw him last n-night with h-her."
Rebecca could only hug the older woman to her, trying to sooth her. In that moment, she wanted to punch her brother for being such an idiot. What could he have possibly been thinking to break up with Lilyana, not telling her the truth?
Lilyana's mind goes into overdrive. She just saw him last night? Was he wearing a uniform and she not notice? How could she not have noticed? Probably because she was too distracted by the fact that he was with another woman. It was getting harder to breath; she needs to get out of here.
Lilyana pulls back from the younger girls hold, wiping her face of all tears, "I-I need to go. I'm sorry."
She walks out of the store without buying any food. Her mind just goes blank of all thoughts, moving only on auto-pilot. If she does not think then she cannot feel. She gets back home and turns on the radio to drown out the silence of her house. She moves around the room, randomly cleaning just to keep busy. But a song comes on that causes her to freeze and a memory hits her hard.
*flashback
"Bucky stop it!" Lilyana giggles.
"Come on Doll. Dance with me."
Bucky pulls the laughing girl from her seat. They were in the privacy of Bucky's apartment, the radio playing in the background. The song playing, Bing Crosby "Only Forever." Bucky holds the girl close to him, singing along. A smile plays on her lips hearing Bucky sing, laying her head on his shoulder, just listening to Bucky.
"How long would it take me to be near if you beckoned? Off hand I would figure less than a second. Do you think I'll remember how you looked when you smile? Only Forever That's puttin' it mild"
They continue to slow dance around the room, just lost in their own world. Bucky nuzzles his face against her cheek,
"Lilyana…?" Bucky gets her attention.
"Hmm?"
"I love you Lilyana."
She jerks back, eyes wide, "What?"
He gives her that adorable, boyish grin of his, "I said, I love you Doll."
Her smile widens, and she pushes herself up on her toes, pressing her lips against his. Bucky does not miss a beat and quickly has full control of the kiss. His hands grip her hips, moving them around to lay her down on the sofa. Lilyana's hands rung through his hair, tugging lightly on the smooth strands. Bucky groans, nipping at her bottom lip.
"So," Bucky says breaking the kiss, "does that mean you feel the same or is that your very cruel way of say that you do not love me?"
Slapping him on the chest, Lilyana rolls her eyes, "Yes Mr. Barnes, I love you too. Only Forever."
"Only Forever."
He dips his head and captures her lips once more. They stay on the sofa cuddling and stealing kisses, until their lips are bruised and swollen.
*End flashback*
The memory ends, bring Lilyana back to the present. Covering her mouth at the memory, Lilyana sinks down on the sofa. Tears fill her eyes and she allows herself to break down.
"Bucky you stupid jerk!" She yells out to no one, "How could you? How could you leave and not tell me? How could you break up with me? Did you think I would leave you because you were going to war? I thought we promised Only Forever."
Guilt grows, he left thinking that she hates him. He made her think that he cheated on her, or had at least fallen in love with another woman instead of just telling her that he was enlisting. Why? Why would Bucky do that? Why not just tell her the truth? Why should she still care?
Lilyana picks herself up and dries her tears. No more tears, no more crying over James Barnes. He is the one that broke up with her, no matter the reasons, he made his choice. Maybe she is not the one he wanted to come back home to? Maybe he was letting go of her so that he would not have to worry about her while he was gone or when he gets back. The thought sends a sharp pain through her heart that she chooses to ignore.
'I will no longer miss him...I will no longer love him.'
She thinks, but her heart is not in agreement with her head. An ache is still present in her heart, a constant reminder that without Bucky she is not whole.
Time goes by, and slowly she has herself convinced that she has moved on from Bucky Barnes. She finds herself crying less, thoughts of him come few and far between. She should be happy about that, happy that she is finally able to move on with her life. But there is an emptiness in her heart still holding out for Bucky to come back and say he loves her again. There are nights where Lilyana finds herself wishing to go back to relieve some of the happier times she had in her relationship with Bucky before the memories are gone forever.
A knock at the door brings Lilyana from her thoughts,
"Rebecca?" she asks answering the door, "W-what are you doing here? What's wrong?"
This is a surprise, Lilyana has not seen Rebecca since that day in the grocery store. She steps aside and allows Rebecca to enter and they both sit on the sofa in the living room.
Rebecca holds her hand out, an envelope held between her fingers, "This is for you Lily. It was sent to us with Bucky's things."
"Bucky's things? Why would you be sent his things?"
Rebecca let's out a sigh, "We got a letter. Lily, Bucky has been declared KIA.
"K-killed in action?" Lilyana rings her hands together, tears welling up in her eyes.
With a shaky hand she takes the envelop from the younger girl. "What happened?"
"Have you seen anything in the news the Howling Commando's?"
"Of course, lead by Captain America himself. Still hard to believe that Captain America is little Steve Rogers. And Bucky is a member as well...no…" Lilyana breaths out, realization hits her.
Rebecca nods her head, "A mission went wrong. Horribly wrong. They… they cannot even find Bucky's body. We… we have to bury an empty casket."
Rebecca breaks down crying and Lilyana pulls her into her arms. The two girls sit together, crying at the loss of a man they both loved.
"Promise you will be at the funeral. Please?"
Lilyana nods, "Of course I will be there. Bye Rebecca."
The younger girl squeezes her hand. She is worried about leaving Lilyana alone now, worried about how the woman is going to deal with the news of Bucky's death, or even reading his letter.
"Do you want me to stay?" Rebecca questions.
"No," she answers, "you need to be with your family right now. Thank you for bringing this to me though you did not have to. I will be fine, but you and your family need one another right now."
The other woman nods, giving Lilyana one last hug before taking her leave.
Sitting on her sofa, she takes a deep breath and opens the letter Bucky wrote to her.
"My dear Lilyana,
If you are reading this letter then it means that I have died. The day I broke up with you was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, or will ever do. Nothing that I come up against in the war will hurt as bad as seeing the hurt in your eyes when I told you that it is over. There was never another woman Lily, it was only ever you. I will always love you until the end of time, no matter what happens. But I could not go into training, knowing that I would be sent off overseas to fight and could die, leaving you at home with a broken heart mourning for me. I would rather you hate me for breaking up with you than have you mourn for me the rest of your life without finding someone else to love. And I know you Lily, that is exactly what you would do.
This letter is me telling you to be happy, find someone who will love you better than I could. Someone who will give you that dream wedding and go off to have that white picket fence with 2.5 kids and a dog. God I wish that I could be the one to give you all of that, to give you all that you deserve. I love you Lilyana, and I am so sorry for all the pain and anger that I have caused you. Especially when I had promised to never hurt you. So please, be happy and move on to someone who will love you better than I ever could, and if it helps continue to hate me, I will understand. Goodbye my Lilyana.
Forever Your Bucky"
In that one moment, Lilyana's whole world comes crashing down, and nothing she could ever do will build it back up. Bucky was gone, her Bucky was gone forever and she has no way of letting him know just how much she truly loves him.
"I don't hate you Bucky. I could never hate you." she whispers into the silence. "I will always love you, no matter how hard I try to stop."