Warning: This chapter contains graphic depictions of the rape kit exam and flashbacks/references to past sexual assaults and violence
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The darkness swallowed her whole, a blessed relief from the overwhelming sensations of lights, of voices, hands touching her. She grasped the table, her eyes closed sharply enough to cause dancing spots and patterns behind the veil of her lids.
She was breathing, but it was a forced routine. Each inhale and exhale was carefully timed, the seconds in between meticulously accounted for. She had a tenuous hold on the control over her body, and what reactions she could direct, she micromanaged. The consistent thudding of her heart, however, would not be tamed. She tried desperately to calm the hammering of it against her ribs, but every time Erica spoke, she felt the muscle clench sharply in apprehension.
She'd tried justifying the necessity of the rape kit over and over again in her head, but the constant reassurances were growing worn. She'd used her last burst of energy to convince Amanda to let Erica back into the room, and now her brain was drifting as it would into the minefield of her memories as if searching for some reason to go on. She tossed aside the heart wrenching moments of finding Alice Parker, or the victory of seeing Lewis arrested. None of that would make a difference now…
She leaned heavily on the table as Erica began to explain that she'd be swabbing for DNA wherever the UV detected the fluorescent glow. Olivia nodded, but she didn't listen to the rest of Erica's assurances. She knew the details and what every step would hold.
She squeezed her eyes shut harder, and a blossom of red spilled across her vision. The soft hue of it reminded her of the curtains in the beach house, or maybe just the blood jetting across Lewis's face. She'd heard the sickening crunch as sections of his skull collapsed beneath the force of the metal bed post, but even when she'd looked down to find him unrecognizable beyond his wounds, she hadn't stopped. It wasn't her conscience that had put an end to her rampage of violence against him, only a deep exhaustion that had taken hold of her, physically withholding her from continuing. Maybe if she hadn't been so weak he would be dead.
She sucked in a sharp breath as Erica's voice shattered her replay of the beach house.
"You can go ahead and turn around now, Olivia."
In the darkness she allowed herself to shudder. It wouldn't last forever.
She uncurled her fingers from around the table and turned slowly. The blacklight washed across her body, illuminating her shades of purple and shifting blue, searching for that fluorescent marker. The gown clung to her body, just below her shoulders and she could already sense Lewis's saliva coming to life beneath the rays, radiating from her neck and chest.
She closed her eyes as Erica leaned in with the swab poised, her eyes shadowed in concentration behind her glasses. She tried to breath as the moistened swab dabbed against her neck, directly over her pulse, but she couldn't stop the shudder that seized her at her core.
"You and me… we're gonna have one wild ride, baby." Lewis's voice whispered through her mind, a clear memory of the moments before he'd forced the vodka to her lips. The burning liquid had spilled down her chin in thick gushes as she'd coughed and gagged against the alcoholic taste. With his fist in her hair, he licked it from her jaw, eagerly lapping at her neck, torturously slow.
"Why are you fighting me on this?" He'd demanded when she continuously attempted to spit the vodka back into his face. "A woman like you oughta be grateful I'm liquoring you up first."
"Woman like me? You wouldn't even know what it's like to fuck a 'woman like me.'" She'd hissed, just angry enough to be stupid. He'd already hit her, burned her, touched her in places that made her sick. She'd had enough fight to spit at him again, the only attack she could leverage against him with her arms and feet bound to the chair, but it hadn't made a difference.
"Oh, but I will." He smiled, a leering grin that churned her stomach.
Then he'd torn her shirt away from her breast and bit her nipple. It wasn't so much the pain of it that had forced the scream from her throat, but rather that she'd pushed him to an even more invasive, deeply horrifying assault than before.
Now, as she haltingly slid the gown from her chest to reveal the glowing patches of his teeth marks and saliva, she wondered why she'd even fought. He was right after all. She should've been grateful for some kind of dulling effect, some sedative that would ease the sharp,vivid edges of her memories.
She'd witnessed so many depraved acts throughout the four days, but she loathed the recollections of her own apartment the most, her own personal space that he had invaded. The first pieces of her had been stolen there, in a place she'd always expected to be safe. She'd stood in her own four walls, vacant of any defense, a prisoner to Lewis's show of her own assault. She'd watched helplessly just as she watched now, only Lewis had eaten up the sections of her soul rather than putting them into little, labeled boxes.
"I'm going to turn on the lights now, Olivia." Erica's voice whispered through the hum of her thoughts and she nodded, slowly gathering the gown up against herself.
When the bright, white lights flicked back on she flinched. She pressed her eyes shut, turning her face away from the light, wishing the cover of darkness could've continued just a little while longer.
"If you're ready we're on to a really simple step." Erica said, returning to sit down in front of her as she reached for the box again. "This is where we're going to do the nail scraping. It's not going to hurt or anything like that."
Olivia nodded as she pulled herself back up onto the table. She felt weak, her legs swaying beneath her, and the entire ordeal compacted with the memories of Lewis seemed to be sucking every ounce of strength from her body. If she could've, she would've laid down and slept for however long it took for this to be over, but such a simple, sweet escape would not be afforded to her. The exam in front of her and the devil in her head would never allow her such a luxury. Amanda had promised it would all be over soon, but those soothing words were a reassurance that she couldn't quite believe.
It didn't matter whether they were scraping her nails or whether they were prying her body open for cervical samples. It was all the same, a continuous, neverending scrutiny of her being which left her feeling molested of every will she had to continue; nor would this be the end. Her statement to the police, followed by an entourage of reporters outside the precinct would ensue. Even months from now, she'd sit on a stand and strip herself once more for the persecution of cross-examination. Her four days of torment were but the tiny drop at the center of a thousand ripples in this vast, tumultuous ocean that had become her existence.
And so she held out her hand, and she felt every drag of the little wooden pick beneath her nail. She opened her eyes and watched as the coagulated blood fell onto the sheet of paper in thick chunks. She felt some satisfaction in knowing that at least some pieces of him were inside this rape kit with hers, and if he could ever feel the weight of that, she hoped that it crushed him.
Erica gathered up the samples in the sheet and folded into a bag that was marked: STEP 8: FINGERNAIL SCRAPING.
"You're doing great, Olivia." She said with a smile, as she took out a small comb. "Next I'm going to take some hair samples from your head and pubic area. If you want, you can do the brushing."
Olivia stared down at the tiny comb being extended to her. Her breaths rasped against her ears, but she felt frozen. Her hands were numb and heavy despite at her brain screaming at her to just take the brush.
"Olivia?" Amanda's voice skittered across her ears, startling her.
She blinked quickly, jarring herself from her immobilized state to take the comb with a trembling hand. The plastic teeth were cold and biting and she clenched her fingers about them, finding some motivation in the pinpricks of pain. Despite the heaviness in her limbs, she managed to lift the brush and run it through the knotted, unwashed strands dangling against her cheek. She could barely get the comb through the section of hair due the tangled mess of dirt, blood, and alcohol that had mingled into her scalp over the past four days. She grimaced as she managed to yank the teeth of the comb through. She drew her hand back as several strands danced towards her lap, pulled straight from the root. The pain of it barely overshadowed her emotional disconnect from the situation and Erica had to stop her as she reached up to take on another section.
"That's good, Olivia." She assured her, tentatively removing the comb from her hand. "I just need a few."
Olivia watched numbly as Erica gathered up the fallen locks and put them inside a bag that read STEP NINE: HEAD HAIR...just another piece of her that she'd never get back.
She swallowed against the swirling of her belly as she considered the ensuing steps. Her body was rigid against the final steps of the exam which were sure to be the most harrowing and invasive. The part of her that screamed for relief whispered in her ear that she could stop this. They'd most likely gathered as much evidence as they were going to find. The pelvic exam was going to be a useless, yet painful pillaging of her already ravaged body. If she could simply open her mouth, she could be out of this room in mere minutes, but one thing stood in her way - her pride; her vigilance of her bodily autonomy; her vow to never allow someone close enough to do the harm to her that had been done to her mother and thousands of others just like her. She had to make absolutely certain that Lewis could never make a claim of such violation. She had to prove that he hadn't taken from her the last of her dignity.
"For the next step, I'm going to have you do the same thing." Erica said gently. "Detective Rollins and I will turn away until you're done, okay?"
Olivia nodded, struggling to heave a breath strong enough into her lungs to make her feel like she wasn't suffocating beneath the iron fingers of her own fear. She took the comb again, though nothing within her wanted to perform the action.
She knew Erica was trying to extend to her as much privacy as could be afforded, but a part of her wished she could simply lay back and give up. Enduring the final steps of the exam in a disassociated headspace seemed more inviting than thrusting herself into the gathering of her own evidence, but neither was fair. She shouldn't be here, and yet the culmination of all of her fears was a commencement she'd never truly expected to avoid. Perhaps she'd even expected to end up here sooner rather than later.
Lifting her head, she gazed at Erica's turned back, the sweet lambs prancing across her scrubs. Her eyes drifted towards Amanda who was angled away, one arm tightly crossed while her other hand covered her mouth. If she'd been able to say anything she would've told Amanda to leave her. Whatever happened inside of this room was a horror that would stay with her forever. Why did it have to stay with Amanda as well?
Amanda glanced over at her, a quick flick of her shimmering blue eyes. At her pained gaze, Olivia lowered her head, her stomach aching. She'd made so many people suffer for Lewis's obsession with her and it made her sick that Amanda was now just another victim of his demented games.
When she looked back up Amanda was turned away completely, her shoulders stiff. Olivia clenched her jaw as pain shored up against the wall she'd built against this procedure. It made her nauseous to feel anything in this moment, and she averted her eyes to the brush in her hand.
She slowly slid down from the table and reached beneath the gown to remove the underwear the hospital had given her. She closed her eyes against the wash of humiliation despite Amanda's and Erica's turned backs. They couldn't see her now, but the pelvic exam was only minutes away and the apprehension twisted in her gut with an insistence she couldn't ignore.
Her fingers trembled as she pulled the gown up enough to retrieve the required sample. She hated the feeling of the brush tugging through her hair. She hated that she had any at all in this moment. She thought of shaving it all away or maybe waxing until even her pores could not remember the sensation of the tiny, soft tendrils.
Swallowing back bile, she managed to gather enough of her hair to make a good sample and let the gown fall back down to her knees.
"Done." She whispered, staring at the brush and her quaking fingers clutching the short hairs.
Erica turned back towards her and took both from her hands with a quiet affirmation. Olivia resisted the retch which formed in her throat and lapsed back against the table. Her body wanted to collapse in exhaustion and the tears constantly pushed at her lids. She tried desperately to desensitize herself to this room, but each minute held it's own device of torture, a new way to humiliate her.
"You're doing good, Olivia, we're almost done." Erica assured her. "You can get back onto the table."
Olivia nodded, though the motion made her head spin. She grasped at the edge of the table, finding herself nearly too weak to pull herself up.
"Let me help you." Amanda murmured, suddenly close.
Her hand gripped Olivia's elbow and the smaller detective used nearly all of her strength to heave Olivia's swaying frame back up into a sitting position.
"There." Amanda whispered, patting her arm. "It'll be over soon, right?" Her voice trailed into a question, leaving Olivia to wonder if the two of them could even scrape up enough determination to form even some hint of hope.
"Now, the next part is probably going to be a little uncomfortable, but I promise I will make it as quick and painless as possible." Erica said, sliding in closer on her stool.
"Whatever you need to do." Olivia whispered, staring down at the tilting tiles beneath her feet.
"I'm going to have you lie back and put your feet in the stirrups." Erica said, gently, after a moment of hesitation.
Olivia nodded, eager to lay down so that the other women could not see her face nor the tears forming in her eyes. She sank back, her eyes closing as the brightness of the lights over head seared her aching vision. Amanda's hand hovered at her elbow and Olivia reached up to grab onto her hand.
"I've got you." Amanda whispered once more, a steady promise which she had yet to break.
It was more than anyone had ever done for her, and as much as she hated Amanda's pain, she selfishly garnered the abundance of her pathos.
She kept her eyes squeezed shut as she shifted her feet up into the stirrups, leaving her thighs to gape open in disturbing vulnerability. She bit at her lower lip hard as she resisted the urge to tear her legs from the degrading position and run from the room. She'd done everything possible to escape Lewis's invasion of her body and willingly lying here on her back seemed an unforgivable treachery to her own mind; and yet for the very fact that she had struggled and fought and survived she had to do this. Despite the pathways of her mind not yet being ready to accept this fate, sheer willpower and the barest threads of logic forced her to remain here, willingly or unwillingly.
"I'm going to lay this sheet over your now and then I'm going to take three swabs - vulvar, vaginal, and cervical." Erica explained as she unfolded another sanitary sheet to lay over her legs, the barest shield of privacy that could be afforded to her. She felt the sheet settle over her legs with a scratchy whisper and clenched her fingers harder around Amanda's.
She almost wanted to scream at Erica to stop explaining each step, although she knew it was for her own benefit. Unlike other victims, however, she knew exactly what was going to happen. She didn't need this gentle warning. She just needed it to be over.
She heaved a breath as the silence stretched. She could hear Erica opening the packaging of swabs and she had to bite down hard to hold back the sob that welled in her throat. She could feel the tears flooding against her lids, seeking escape from behind her tightly closed eyes, but she couldn't let them.
"It's okay." Amanda murmured above her, holding onto Olivia's hands with both of hers.
Olivia dragged her hand closer to her body, desperately clinging to the warmth radiating from the other woman. She closed her mind around the texture of her flesh, the bite of their nails in each other's skin - anything to distract from reality.
"The first swab will just be the outside, very quick." Erica assured her as she shifted closer. "Nothing will hurt."
Olivia swallowed down a knot of tears in her throat, but she couldn't speak. She couldn't even move. She didn't know how to tell the kind nurse that she didn't fear pain - she'd endured far worse in the past four days than she'd ever feel again - but rather the excruciating twisting of her mind.
"Just hold onto my hand." Amanda whispered, leaning in closer to her.
Olivia barely nodded though she kept her eyes screwed shut as the nurse moved in for the first swab. She breathed shallow breaths through her nose, and her feet curled rigidly against the stirrups at the sensation of the cotton dragging against her flesh. She turned her face sharply away from Amanda's as a tear managed to break free from beneath her lids. There was no pain physically, but her entire being seemed to ache more and more with each passing second.
"Okay, that's it for that one. You did good." Erica said, kindly.
"You're almost there, Liv." Amanda whispered, encouragingly, rubbing the back of her hand and squeezing, but even the sound of her voice failed to rally any sense of hope inside her.
"For the next two swabs I'm going to use the speculum so I need you to relax." Erica explained. "I know that's hard to do right now, but I don't want to hurt you, okay?"
Olivia nodded, trying to let out a breath and release her tightly clenched muscles but the exhale exited on the tone of a low, wavering moan. Her chest shuddered with the chance to release all of her pent of sobs, but she immediately latched her mouth shut again.
"Liv, you okay?" Amanda asked, her voice sharp with concern.
"Just do it." She moaned through clenched teeth.
"Do you need another break, Olivia?" Erica inquired, softly.
"No." Olivia snapped quickly, reaching up to rub her free hand over her face. "No, just do it."
The other women were silent for a moment and Olivia could imagine their exchanged glances, but she refused to stop.
Finally, Erica said, calmly, "All right, like I said, just relax and I will make this as quick as possible."
Olivia breathed a short lived sigh of relief, and tried to force her body to accept what was going to happen. When she tried to release the tension, her body quivered with fear, ready to shatter in a million tiny shards. She could hardly control the twitches and shivers that seized her arms and legs, right to the core of stomach. Though she tried to breath evenly, her inhales rushed in panicked blasts through her lips followed by the shuddering, halting inhale.
When Erica's gloved hand touched her she nearly cried out. She buttoned her lips together and squeezed her eyes shut so tightly that colors burst across her vision in dizzying patterns. The cold smooth surface of the speculum followed, pushing into her in one motion. She choked on a cry, and grabbed at her face, covering as much of her tear-stained visage as possible. She clenched her teeth down in expectation of tool's jaw opening inside her, and wrenched her fingers down tighter on Amanda's. She heard her grimace above her, but she didn't pull her hand away from Olivia's crushing grip.
"It'll all be over soon." Amanda's voice floated to her ears, though the sound seemed far away; perhaps, she'd even just imagined it.
She couldn't focus on anything anymore besides the device shoved inside her, the naked defenselessness that wrote panic through her every vein. All she could remember was every time he had touched her, every act of torture he had thrust upon her that had led up to this very moment. She thought she had escaped him in that beach house, but instead, he was here with her, watching over her as the last of her dignity was ripped to shreds and placed into fifteen little boxes - each one their own dark coffin to the decaying pieces of her soul.
He'd told her that he would change her life. He'd promised, but it wasn't until she was here, in a place that promised safety and justice, that she finally believed him.