The dream was subtle and cunning, seeping into her mind as some kind of twisted reality that she couldn't quite sort out.
She could feel the ache in her body from being in the trunk of the car for hours and the suffocating heat inside wrapped about her. She felt heavy, her limbs moving slow and uncoordinated as if she were wading through a swimming pool. The blackness surrounding her, however, told her differently. This was no leisurely swim.
Something was covering her face.
She tried to open her eyes, but, god, she was so tired. Her head felt like it wanted to float away from her shoulders with inebriation. She was sweating and disoriented and she needed to get out, away from whatever was holding her down. Her hands fumbled at the material obscuring her vision, and when her fingers skimmed over satin she could feel the print of the roses hand stitched into the material.
These were her bedsheets.
This was Lewis's car. Her prison.
If she listened closely she could hear him humming to the sound of the radio.
Terror jolted her, spiking her heart rate in half a second. She tried to scream, her arms batting harder at the sheets.
She could remember him wrapping her in the sheets that she had once adored - hand picked from her mother's belongings the day after her funeral. Now she screamed at the very sensation of the velvety material and the tiny flowers embossed on the fabric scratching at her flesh, unrelenting.
Her breathing rasped in her ears, billowing against the sheets and then sucking them back in as she tried to inhale. She was going to suffocate.
Thrashing harder, she clawed at the bedsheets, until finally, a sharp light to her eyes stunned her.
"Liv?" A voice demanded.
Sweet air filled her lung and her lids fluttered as the terrifying images slowly slipped from her mind. The fingers of fear dragged across her skull, desperately trying to ground inside the dark, confusing underworld, but she could feel another set of hands on her, these soft and convincing.
Amanda.
She reached out for the other woman as she blinked against the weight of the dream. Her lids felt heavy, but she managed to drag them open. The hospital room came into focus above her, and she panted, trying to hold onto the reality of this room. She wasn't in the trunk of the car and her mother's sheets were no doubt in evidence. She was in the hospital and Amanda was next to her shaking her.
"Liv?" Amanda asked once, her tone sharp with distress.
Her breathing was harsh, haltingly, and trembling as she tried to assure herself that Lewis was far away from her, unable to hurt her. The visceral elements of the dream, however, caused her heart to continue pounding with adrenaline.
"Liv…?"
"I... I'm fine.." She whispered, raspily, though it came out sounding more like a question than a statement.
She could remember Amanda crawling into bed with her, the two of them falling silent in the wake of her flashback in the bathroom. A chill had taken her body, but with Amanda's warmth and steady arms, she managed to find some kind of peace. Of course, Lewis had found some way to interrupt that solace as well.
"Are you sure?" Amanda asked, sitting up in the bed as Olivia rolled onto her back.
"Yes." She whispered, lifting both hands to rub them over her face and hair.
She stared up at the ceiling tiles and the panels of bright, LED lights, trying to convince her heart to slow down.
Amanda reached out and gently touched her arm, and her fingers were warm and calming on her flesh. Olivia breathed out and closed her eyes, concentrating on the tiniest sensation to drag her from the cold grip of the nightmare.
"Was it a dream?" Amanda asked, quietly.
Olivia nodded slowly, wincing against the vivid bits of the dream that remained.
"I was in the trunk again." She murmured. "Wrapped in my mother's sheets."
Amanda was quiet for a moment before she inquired, "Your mother?"
"Yes, she had these hand stitched bedsheets I always adored….and when she...she passed I kept them." Olivia returned, swallowing against a knot in her throat.
Her mother had been dead for over ten years now, and she rarely cried about it anymore. The acceptance had come, and with it some relief that at least she'd finally found freedom, if only by the hand of God.
"I'm sorry…" Amanda whispered, squeezing her arm.
"She was an alcoholic." Olivia whispered with a sigh. "A rape victim….my mother."
Amanda squeezed her arm once more in silent support though Olivia sensed she wasn't sure what to respond with. It typically wasn't a conversation she started because uncomfortable silence was the usual reaction. It wasn't Amanda's fault. There simply wasn't much more that could be said about the facts as devastating as they were.
"Look, how about we get you a shower?" Amanda suggested at last. "Captain Cragen called while you were asleep. One PP wants your statement sooner rather than later."
Olivia's stomach clenched at Amanda's words. She knew that the moment was coming when she would have to sit down and explain exactly what had happened in detail, but she wasn't prepared. She'd hardly been ready to tell Erica what had happened to her, much less explain to the top brass how Lewis had come to be handcuffed to a bed and beaten nearly to death. She'd vowed not to let Lewis take her career from her, but she wondered if her own actions might lead her to that end. If One PP knew the truth she might never carry her shield again.
"Liv?" Amanda asked. "You okay?"
Olivia blinked harshly against the fog of panicked thoughts in her brain. Right now, no one knew exactly what had happened except for her and Lewis, and it was doubtful he'd be able to provide many details in his current condition.
"I'm fine." She murmured, automatically, while inside she was swallowing her panic.
He's the perp. She told herself. They'll believe me first... I feared for my life. I did what I had to do to survive….
They were the words she'd seen cops recite on TV and in press conferences, words that absolved what horrific acts had transpired in the heat of the moment. She'd watched men who'd been on the job 20 years solemnly say it when a black child lay dead in the street, a toy gun clutched in his hand; and though Lewis was far from innocent it didn't stop her from feeling sick at such a despicable fall from grace. She'd done her fair share of twisting the truth in order to obtain justice, but what excuse did she have here besides the utter hatred for another human life? There was no flag flying for justice when she'd taken Lewis's life into her hands as judge, jury, and executioner; and she could not reconcile her guilt for her actions with her darkest desire to see him rot in the deepest pits of hell.
"Olivia…" Amanda tone was a gentle inquiry, and Olivia blinked away the thoughts from her brain.
No one knew what had happened, even Amanda, and right now it was better that way. Despite her urge to spill this guilt from her lips, whether in search of penance or of absolution, she kept her mouth shut against the words. She'd already dragged Amanda through the worst of the situation. She couldn't also involve her in her lies.
"Yes, I'm fine." She repeated, pushing herself up in the bed.
She winced as her ribs ached, and the soreness of the past four days clenched her entire body in a painful fist. She panted, grabbing at her side where the worst of the pain emanated.
"Are you all right?" Amanda asked, moving in quickly with a concerned, blue gaze.
"Yes." Olivia breathed through gritted teeth as the pulsing pain slowly began to ebb away.
"Let me help you." Amanda murmured, sliding down from the bed and offering her hands.
"Thank you." She managed as she grabbed Amanda's hands and slipped to the floor next to her.
Her legs felt weak beneath her and she swayed as her body tried to find its equilibrium. She closed her eyes against the tilting of the room and the buzz in her ears at the rushing of her blood.
"I've got you." Amanda murmured.
Olivia nodded, holding tighter to Amanda's hands. Inexplicable tears stung her eyes at Amanda's kindness, and though Amanda had been with her since the beach house, she was still surprised at her steadfast presence. She'd always admired Amanda's unflagging determination and strength, though they'd never been anything but co workers before this situation. She thought now that that had been a mistake.
Amanda slid her arm around her waist and directed them towards the bathroom. Olivia leaned on her heavily as they made their way slowly across the room. Despite the rest she'd gotten, she still felt weak and exhausted. The hospital food had done little to appease her malnourished body. She wondered if she'd collapse all over again, and when this drained feeling would leave her. She imagined breaking down in front of the officer who would take her statement and grimaced at the horrifying outcome.
"Here we are." Amanda said as they reached the bathroom and she pushed the door open.
She reached past Olivia and turned the light on, illuminating the small space. Olivia squinted against the brightness, gazing at the room ahead of her with apprehension. She clutched Amanda harder, swallowing heavily at the thought of being alone inside this space again.
"Do you think you can handle it?" Amanda asked slowly.
"I…." Olivia frowned, grabbing at the door frame to keep herself upright. "I'm not sure...I just feel so…"
"It's okay." Amanda assured her, quickly. "I don't mind helping you."
Olivia glanced over at Amanda's wide blue eyes, and furrowed brow, her heart slowing with relief.
"Are you sure?" She still asked. "You've already done so much…"
"Never enough for you." Amanda returned, softly, her tone low with a conviction that startled her.
Her throat grew tight, her lids burning once more from the tears that rose. She clutched Amanda's shoulder and whispered once more, "Thank you."
A short, rare smile graced Amanda's lips and she nodded towards the shower. "Come on. You'll feel better after this."
Amanda guided her inside, and kicked the door shut behind them.
"Hold onto the counter and I'll get this off you." She suggested, slipping her arm from around her.
Olivia nodded and held onto the sink as Amanda gently parted her hair from her neck. Her fingers were soft and warm against her flesh as she tugged the knot open, releasing the gown. She closed her eyes, relishing in the fact that Amanda's presence could chase away the fear and self doubt that consumed her. For at least this moment she could ignore the upcoming interview about Lewis.
"My mother drank too." Amanda's quiet, thoughtful tone interrupted her thoughts. "I didn't think much of it as a child. It seemed normal. She'd put it in her sweet tea and call it her 'special recipe'."
She seemed to laugh for a second before she released a soft sigh. Olivia lifted her head, glancing back into the mirror at Amanda's expression behind her. Her brows were drawn as she fiddled with the gown strings.
"Me being the parent of the house was always my responsibility." She shook her head with an incredulous scoff. "After my dad left there were other men, but they never stuck around. If they did….they were looking and at me or my sister."
Olivia gazed back at her, her heart clenching. Amanda had never spoken about her family before to her and especially not in front of the squad; but the pain and shame of being a child of an alcoholic was one she knew all too intimately.
"So I understand." Amanda said with a shrug, meeting her eyes. "You hate them so much, but they brought you into this world, they're your mother…. It's hard to reconcile."
Olivia looked away to hide the tears pricking her eyes. She hadn't expected them to ever bond over anything besides the job, but it seemed like they had more in common than she'd previously thought; and the comfort of that fact made this situation more bearable in some way.
"I'll get the water running." Amanda said, patting her back as she turned towards the shower.
Olivia slid the gown and her panties off, shivering with the cold. She'd spent the past four days sweltering in the trunks of cars or in the sauna like beach house, and she'd spent every minute wishing for some kind of relief. It was strange now that all she could want was some warmth away from the frigid hospital environment.
The sound of the rushing water prickled her skin with anticipation. She was eager to wash away the physical reminders of what she had endured. She could hardly stand the remnants of blood, sand, and sweat that remained with her even now.
She swayed towards the shower, one arm wrapped around her chest and the other protecting her groin. She was grateful to see the small bench inside to assist her weakened legs.
Amanda stood to the side to allow her in, but took her elbow to help her step over the ledge.
The warmth of the water rose in billows of steam around her and she closed her eyes as she stepped into the downpour. A shudder overtook her as the water cascaded over her chest and body with a cleansing touch. She wanted to stand here forever or at least until her flesh couldn't remember the smell of captivity.
"Do you want me to stay?" Amanda asked, quietly.
Olivia sighed as she turned her back to the water and tilted her head back beneath the stream. Her scalp vibrated with the pounding sensation of the water, and she felt a smile a touch her lips for the first time she could remember in a week.
"Don't go anywhere." She murmured, rubbing her hands up over her face and into her hairline.
She knew this feeling wouldn't last, but she would float through these clouds of contentment for as long as she could - and if anyone deserved to be there with her it was Amanda.
xxxxx
Olivia's shower was long, and the heat of the water swarmed in thick clouds from beyond the opaque doors, but Amanda didn't mind. She took off her jacket and sat on the toilet though she kept a careful eye on Olivia's figure through the glass. She'd seen the tremble in her legs, and she was ready to jump up and catch her at any moment should she fall.
When Olivia emerged an hour later, however, Amanda was pleased to see that some of the color had returned to her face, and that she looked much healthier without the dirt and blood all over her body.
She jumped up with a towel and held it up for Olivia to step into. She smelled fresh and clean and her skin glistened softly with the remaining water as she accepted the towel.
"How do you feel?" Amanda asked, softly, as she wrapped the towel around her body.
"Better than before." Olivia returned. "I know it's just water….but it feels good to wash everything away."
"Good." Amanda murmured, rubbing her shoulders through the towel, before reaching up to remove some wet strands of hair from her cheek.
Her thumb trailed across her cheek, a whisper of a caress, but to Amanda, it was as close as she'd ever felt to Olivia - or maybe to anyone. No one else had ever trusted her so implicitly, and despite her own lack of vulnerability, she somehow felt just as naked standing her. Somehow, that didn't frightened her though she knew it should.
Olivia glanced up at her, her brown eyes wide, fringed by long, wet lashes. There was a question in her gaze as Amanda's fingers lingered against her cheekbone. Amanda drew her hand back suddenly as it occurred to her that the intention of her touch wasn't exactly appropriate, especially when Olivia was barely covered in a towel.
"Sorry." She muttered, glancing away as a flush overtook her face.
Why should you be embarrassed? She questioned herself, almost sarcastically. She's your friend, isn't she?
Olivia's eyes followed her with an intensity that left her chest tight and aching for air. She cleared her throat as her discomfort peaked, and she turned around to grab her jacket from the bathroom counter, but her hands felt jittery from the awkward moment.
"We should get you back to bed." She commented, rushing towards the door.
"Amanda." Olivia's voice stopped her, and she felt her touch her arm.
"Yes?" She asked, turning slowly to glance at Olivia's fingers grasping her arm then up at her wide, dark gaze.
"I wanted to thank you." She said, quietly.
"You've already done that." Amanda replied with an anxious chuckle. "You don't have to do it again."
"I'm serious." Olivia said without flinching as she stepped closer. "I don't know what would've happened if you hadn't been there."
Amanda swallowed, finding her throat and mouth dry, her heart rushing restlessly in her chest. Her shoulder was pressed to the door and with Olivia in front her she felt as if the thought behind her expression were achingly exposed. Anxiety clung to her chest as she wondered what Olivia could read from the quick fluttering of her lids and bloom of color on her face.
"You're my friend." She replied in a whisper, her voice barely emitting. "You would've done the same for me."
"But I wouldn't have wanted anyone else." She murmured, stepping closer to clasp Amanda's hand in her own.
"I just want to help." Amanda managed despite the distraction of Olivia's fingers winding through hers.
"Still…" Olivia said, softly, with a squeeze of her hand.
"Come on." Amanda repeated, ducking her head. "We should get you dressed and back to bed."
Olivia nodded though she was slow to release Amanda's hand. Amanda had folded the gown on the bathroom counter and she was handing it to Olivia when her cell phone rang from her back pocket. She pulled it out to see Nick's name displayed on the screen.
"It's Amaro." She told Olivia. "I'll be back, okay?"
Olivia nodded once more and Amanda gave her a brief, reassuring smile before she turned and slipped out of the bathroom to take the call.
In all honestly, she was somewhat relieved by the distraction. The claustrophobic feeling of the bathroom and her own inner walls of fear had slowly been closing in since Olivia had stepped out of the shower, and maybe even before that. She was shaken by the intense and confusing emotions that had suddenly boycotted her entire body. She wondered if she was simply delirious from lack of sleep and the disturbing events of Lewis's capture; but she couldn't shake the sense that these feelings were much deeper than one simple explanation.
She sighed as the bathroom door closed behind her and hit the answer button.
"Hey, Nick." She greeted him, attempting to keep the strain from her tone.
"Hey, Cragen and I are headed over to the hospital. We stopped by Liv's apartment and got her some clothes, but the place is still a crime scene."
"Okay, I just got her out of the shower." Amanda said, pacing across the room and rubbing her forehead. "She got some rest, but she's still pretty out of it."
"I can't blame her." Nick returned, tightly. "We haven't heard anything about Lewis's condition yet."
"Yet they already want her statement." Amanda replied, tilting her head back with a sigh.
"You know One PP."
"Yes, I do."
"Well, we're almost there so you can go home and get some rest."
Amanda's pacing came to an abrupt halt at the thought of leaving Olivia's side. She hadn't even considered going anywhere since they'd found Olivia in the beach house. Somewhere in her mind she'd realized that she couldn't stay by her forever but she wasn't sure she was ready to leave her despite her relief only minutes ago.
"I don't need to go home." She said. "I want to stay with her."
"Amanda." Nick said, using her first name in a way she knew he was about to lecture her. "You've been there all night. We can take it from here."
"Thanks for the concern, Nick, but home is the last place I want to be."
"Well, if I don't make you go... Cragen will." Nick replied.
Amanda clenched her teeth and sighed through her nose, biting back bitter, childish words that leapt to her lips. She appreciated a chivalrous man, but Nick had always treated her as more of a woman than a detective, and if there was one thing she hated, it was to be underestimated and condescended to.
"I'll see you when you get here." She finally spit out, before she snatched the phone from her ear and ended the call.
She may be confused about her feelings, but she wasn't confused about where her duty lay. Somehow she couldn't imagine Olivia trusting Nick the way she had trusted Amanda throughout this ordeal, and leaving her side now seemed like a let down.
The bathroom door opened behind her, and Olivia emerged, dressed in the hospital gown once more.
"Everything okay?" She asked, clutching the doorframe.
"Yeah, Amaro and the captain will be here soon. They're bringing you a change of clothes too." Amanda said, stepping closer to her to escort her to the bed.
"For my statement…?" Olivia said, her tone flat and low.
"Yes." Amanda returned, quietly, taking her elbow. "Nick wants me to go home, but I'll stay with you if you want."
"You should go." Olivia murmured, shaking her head. "You've already gone above and beyond."
"We'll just cross that bridge when we get there." Amanda replied, unwilling to allow Olivia's own guilt and anxiety tear her away.
Olivia seemed to accept her reply as Amanda tugged her towards the bed. She complied without much prodding, and as Amanda helped her onto the bed, Olivia clutched her hand to keep her close. Amanda took it as a silent agreement, reaffirming her determination. She'd made promises of duty and of diligence, and she'd be damned if she let terrors of the mind or the detriment of the world around them shatter that vow.