Hey, everybody, wow it's been a minute since I updated this. My sincerest apologies but life has a way of getting in the way and my mojo sometimes gets distracted. Hopefully there will be no more month long breaks after this but we'll see. I hope everybody is still interested and that you'll enjoy. Thanks so much for being here.
xxxxxx
The world outside passed in a dichotomy of slow motion and blurred landscape, rising and falling with from one structure to the next. She could focus on one single building beyond the squad car's window, but in the next second it was ripped from her sight.
It seemed strange to breathe the city air or to walk outside of the hospital of her volition. Her legs carrying her steadily beneath her seemed more of a dream than reality. It seemed so long since she'd walked anywhere without feeling the woozy effects of alcohol, or even more debilitating, trauma and flashbacks. It seemed a miracle that she hadn't stumbled on her way to the car.
Now, the freedom to watch the sun rising above the skyline put a knot in her throat. During her four days with Lewis, he'd kept her bound and gagged on the floor of the car, a tarp over her head. When he did let her out, he'd always roughly grabbed her, dragging her by her arms and hair. The rise and fall of the sun had passed without her notice.
She set her eyes now on the glowing rays that peeked between buildings and above the high rise apartments in the distance. She didn't want to focus on what would come next - her statement. In her mind, she imagined it as more of a confession. She'd already wondered how much they would believe of what she told them.
She flinched when she felt a brush of fingers against her hand though she quickly had to remind herself that Amanda was next to her. She glanced over at Amanda's hand which had stretched across the seat between them in quiet reassurance. Captain Cragen and Amaro were in the front with Nick behind the wheel, and Olivia was grateful that Amanda wasn't voicing her concerns aloud. Nick was always loyal and supportive, but she didn't think she could stand another person asking if she was okay.
No, she wasn't okay. She was drifting somewhere between a burning pit of hatred towards Lewis and the high rise cliff of suicidal fantasies. Amanda seemed to be the only one who understood that that fact wouldn't - and couldn't - change overnight.
She slowly clenched her fingers around Amanda's tighter though she barely lifted her eyes. Amanda gave her hand a squeeze, but Olivia didn't even feel her eyes on her, for which she was grateful. The next few hours would be another grueling process of examination and questioning. If she hadn't already felt violated by the rape kit she knew that the interview by the One PP officer would take what was left of her privacy.
She closed her eyes as the sun reached high enough to impart warmth upon her face through the window, and focused on what strength she could muster from the gentle rays until the Towne car reached the precinct.
She felt the car roll to a stop and with it, her stomach. Fear clutched her in cold hands as she glanced through the windshield at the familiar, brick walls of the 16th.
She hadn't felt such anxiety toward the Special Victims Unit since her first day here. Then she'd been a young cop, still holding to simplistic ideals of wrong and right, justice and injustice. Her black and white view of the good guys and the bad guys had quickly diminished once she'd stepped into the grey space of SVU. Maybe she'd thought she had something to prove fifteen years ago, but she didn't think she would find her place so quickly again now. This time, she had no naive outlooks nor fiery passion to bolster her trembling feet through the doors.
She focused her eyes back inside the car as Cragen turned to look at her. His dark eyes and deep lined expression belayed his concern, and though she hadn't expected any less from him - the only father figure she'd ever had - she wished he wouldn't treat her any differently.
"We thought it'd be easier here." He said, quietly, hesitant at the terror that was no doubt bleeding into her expression.
She struggled to speak for a moment as she watched two detectives leave the building together, unaware of the crisis inside the squad car mere yards from them. She wondered at their exchanging of words, and wished for a moment that her worries were as straightforward as their caseload.
"Liv?" Nick asked when she didn't respond.
She blinked, clearing her throat from the lump of fear as she glanced back at her partner.
"Yes." She said at last, though the short word was forced from her lips.
"One step at a time, okay?" Amanda intervened, touching her arm, softly. "Let's just get inside."
Olivia nodded, relieved when Amaro and Cragen exchanged glances but turned their faces away from her. She released a shaky exhale as she heard their doors opening and the rush of midsummer, New York smog rushed into the car. She knew she couldn't linger too long, and she forced herself to grab the door handle and push it outward. Clutching the frame of the window, she pulled herself out of the seat. Her legs quavered, begging to collapse beneath her, but she had to be strong.
Amanda was at her side in the next moment, gently grasping her elbow as Olivia stared up at the brick face of the Special Victims Unit.
They thought it would be easier for her in this familiar place she had called home for a dozen years and more with more devotion than her own four walls...but it couldn't be easier when everything she'd known and everyone who had known her had shifted into stone-like recreations, cold and foreign. They were frozen behind barriers of pity, fear, and misunderstanding. Walking into the graveyard of her old life, the before him life, wasn't something that would loosen the rock of dread in her throat nor make this horror any less comfortable to swallow.
When Amanda urged her forward, Olivia uncurled each finger from the car door with mindful commands. Her entire being wanted to turn and run from that moment, but it couldn't be a possibility. She'd had every chance to run when she'd stood over him with the metal rail, believing she'd killed the man who had taken so much from her and from so many others; but just as she did then, she scrounged through the deepest part of her soul for the strength to continue.
The moment of calm she'd experienced inside the car, lapsing in the sunlight, was gone. She'd known it wouldn't last, but she couldn't help but glance back at the horizon wistfully one last time. When she gazed back in front of her, Cragen and Amaro were entering ahead of them. She ducked her head as she and Amanda passed through the doors, hoping that no more statued colleagues would appear to haunt her with sympathy crumbling from their lids.
The ride up the elevator was silent and tense, each floor number lighting up with omens of dread. Olivia leaned against the back wall, her jaw clenched as the dinging noises sounded dully against her ears, rattling around inside her brain. She felt Amanda touch her arm, then search for her hand. She numbly reached back, and squeezed her eyes shut for the remainder of the ride.
When the doors slid open she heard the bustling of the the squad room, the chatter and the ringing of phones morphing into a cacophony of mayhem which shoved a panic into her chest. Her heart fluttered, racing anxiously at the thought of walking through them, only to escape into the clutches of the OnePP officer.
"Right this way." Cragen said, watching her closely as he motioned towards his office.
For a moment, Olivia couldn't move from her place in the elevator. She felt frozen by the nightmarish scenarios that played out in her mind. Her downfall lay just beyond these doors, and she was helpless to stop it. Furthermore, she had to participate in willingly tearing down her career in the name of justice.
"Liv, it's ok." Amanda spoke beside her, squeezing her hand.
Olivia's gaze floated towards hers and when she looked into Amanda's wide, compassionate, blue eyes, she wanted to crumble. She wished she could collapse into her arms, but with the squad room just outside, she had no choice but to swallow back the emotion raging behind her tightly locked jaw. Drawing a trembling breath through her nose, she derived what strength she could from Amanda's bold grasp and understanding gaze.
When she pinned her eyes back ahead, she bolstered her courage, and pushed out of the elevator.
She knew what she had to do. She knew what she had to say. She just had to be strong enough to make it through the next few hours.
"Where to?" She asked Cragen. Her voice trembled beneath faulty layers of strength, but she met his eyes with what determination she could muster.
He seemed startled at first by her sudden resolve, but she was relieved that he didn't linger. Perhaps her facade of bravery had allayed his fear that his most prized detective was now damaged goods enough for him to take a step a back. Even if it was a lie, she was grateful.
He gestured towards his office once more and she shouldered ahead of them, head lowered. She pinned her gaze to the door, blocking out what she could of the curious gazes emanating from the squad room and from the three detectives behind her. She could hear the chatter quieting as she passed through, and her stomach clenched as she heard her name being whispered amongst them. They hadn't even rallied together to save her - only to make a spectacle of her suffering.
Clenching her jaw against a wave of humiliated tears, she strode towards the relative safety of the Captain's office. The reprieve would be a short-lived, but at least she wouldn't be some bizarre comedy of horrors in the privacy of these four walls.
When they reached the office, Cragen moved ahead of her to open the door for her.
"We have your union representative on the way." He said as they stepped inside the quiet space.
She was relieved to be free of the dozens of stares, but Cragen's words brought a fresh panic to her chest. She turned, quickly, to Cragen, shaking her head.
"I'm not going to need them." She said, clutching her hands in front of her.
She tried not to rush the words from her lips so quickly that they wouldn't believe her, but their faces immediately sprouted with bewilderment.
"Liv…" Amanda said with a frown, stepping forward. "It'd probably be best to have some counsel."
Their gazes met for half a second, and she felt her heart clench in remembrance of the intimate moment they'd shared in the hospital bathroom. She wished that she could be as open with her about what had happened in the beach house as she could be about her mother, but it simply wasn't possible.
"No." She repeated, glancing away from Amanda's confused and disquieted gaze. "I already know what I'm going to say."
"What you're going to say…." Nick repeated, carefully.
She glanced up at him, finally meeting her partner's eyes, steadily, for the first time since he'd arrived at the hospital with her change of clothes in one hand and his concern in the other. She and Nick had been through dozens of rocky hardships since his arrival at SVU, and she'd always been proud of the honesty between them - but Nick could not be a part of this, just as Amanda and Cragen couldn't be. No one could.
"Yes," She whispered, sharply, lifting her chin, "…. the truth."
xxxxxx
"She'll be ok."
Amaro's reassurance did little to calm Amanda's pulse, and nothing to drag her eyes from the Captain's office. She was no longer on the clock, but she hadn't found the strength to leave the building yet although Cragen and Amaro had made several attempts to persuade her. She couldn't shake the strange feeling that Olivia's attitude just minutes ago had given her. She'd watched her walls go up, as tangible as steel bars, and brick and mortar. It'd hurt to stand on the other side for the first time since they'd found her. She'd wondered for a second if she really should just go home, but after the initial burn of rejection, she told herself that she was being selfish. Olivia had a long road ahead of her which would often include secluding herself from people who cared about her, and Amanda couldn't so easily give in to those traumatized instincts.
Ignoring her own feelings was a skill she'd learned to manage well over the years, but sitting here on the other side of the door, impatience and fear crowding her chest, was a torture she couldn't shrug off quite so easily.
"She refused the union rep." Amanda murmured, settling her chin on her tightly clasped hands.
"That means she's not worried about her job." Amaro replied. "Which means we shouldn't worry either."
"Right." Amanda replied, quickly, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.
Amaro dealt with facts and cold hard truth. What trauma he did carry inside himself never manifested in anything more than bouts of anger and two day long shifts chasing rapists. He reasoned logically when it didn't involve his own temper. She didn't expect him to deduce that Olivia had stepped inside that room alone in order to minimize the impact that her lies would have on the rest the squad. Even if he did, he would foolishly ignore all the warning signs in order to believe the best about his partner.
"What does that mean?" Amaro asked.
"Come on, Nick." Amanda replied, finally looking over at him. "Liv knows how to handcuff someone so they can't escape. Unless Lewis is Houdini…."
"He's managed to evade us all these years." Amaro pointed out.
"Sure, with his wits." Amanda said, gazing back over at the Captain's office. In a quieter tone, she whispered, "We all know we would've done the same thing to him given the chance."
"Right this way." Cragen's voice interrupted their conversation, and they both glanced over to see Cragen leading a short, but fit African American woman towards his office. Her dress blues were crisp, and every curl on her head was perfectly in place. A black, leather bag hung on her shoulder, no doubt carrying all the equipment needed to handle such a high profile case.
Amanda and Nick watched them walk all the way from the entrance of the squad room to the office, silent until they disappeared inside.
"Yeah, this is definitely going to make her feel comfortable to talk about what happened." Nick muttered, slouching back in his chair.
"At least they didn't send a man." Amanda returned, sarcastically.
"Rollins." Cragen's voice interrupted once more as he exited the office, and Amanda glanced over to see him motioning to her.
She shot a look in Amaro's direction and he shrugged as if to tell her she should've listened to him from the beginning. She ignored him and shoved up from the desk. When she reached Cragen he turned and lead her to the bunk room, the only other private room since his office was taken.
"I'm off the clock so don't worry about that." She said as he shut the door behind them.
"I don't care about your OT, Rollins." He said with a frown.
"Then what?" Amanda asked. "You've not sent anyone else home."
"Everyone else has already followed orders." Cragen returned. "Look… I appreciate all you've done for Olivia, but you need to look after yourself."
"I can watch my own back, thank you very much." Amanda snapped, quickly, before she could stop herself.
She sighed out, and turned away to run her fingers through her tangled hair as Cragen's brows rose.
Staring at the brick wall, she said more softly, " I'm sorry… I just really feel like she needs me."
Cragen was silent for a moment before she heard one of the beds squeak as he took a seat.
"May 1974." He said. "I'm partnered with a young lady fresh from the academy. It's supposed to be temporary. I guess they thought I'd be a good teacher for her….Anyways, we haven't been on the job more than a week together and we get a call on a DV situation. When we get there, this big guy is beating up on his girlfriend so naturally I jump out to stop him. He makes a run for it. I make the mistake of leaving my partner at the scene and chasing the perp…. What I didn't know was that there was another man inside the house and when she took the girlfriend inside he came out, high on LSD or something like that. He beat her up… destroyed her right eye, broke her arm…. She never came back to work…."
Amanda turned towards him, jaw clenched. She had a feeling that she knew where Cragen was taking the moral of the story, but she didn't need him to coddle her.
"What's the point of this story?" She asked instead.
"The point is," Cragen returned, "I got so messed up about it that I nearly went back on my sobriety."
"And you don't want the same thing to happen to me." Amanda finished, folding her arms. "I'm fine, Captain. Really."
"Are you?" Cragen asked, brow furrowing.
She opened her mouth to snap a quick reply but he held up a hand as he rose from the bed.
"I'm asking you to give yourself a break, Amanda." He said. "Not abandon Olivia."
Amanda sighed, chewing her inner lip. She glanced over at the bunks and tossed a hand in their direction.
"I'll take a nap here." She suggested. "But you wake me the minute she's out of there."
"Deal." Cragen said, a short smile.
He patted her arm as he passed her before leaving her alone in the bunk room. She sank to one of the mattresses and rubbed her hands over her face. She heaved a long breath before she laid back, and stared up at the bottom of the top bunk.
All she could think of was Olivia, and all she could imagine was how badly the interview could affect her. A dozen horrific scenarios played through her brain, leaving her stomach to churn. She'd promised the captain she would rest, but maybe sleep wouldn't come so easily as nightmares would.