The soft hum of a familiar, southern lilt crept across the edges of Olivia's consciousness, a welcome lull from sleep rather than the usual jolt of nightmare. Her lids fluttered against the rays of golden, sinking sun that drifted through the bedroom window, and for a peaceful moment she felt nothing but the warmth of the blankets around her body.
"She's fine now." Amanda's voice drifted to her ears once more, dragging her further away from the solace of sleep and towards the reminder of the reality of her life in the past week.
The gentle content that had smothered her in the cocoon of her bed quickly fled in the face of her memories of the hours before. Her chest clutched at the dark and hazy memory of holding on to Brian's personal weapon as if it were her only choice. The blackness of that despair hedged at the edges of her mind, bleeding back into the compromised spaces of her soul, and she clenching her eyes shut again, wishing she could simply will it all away.
She briefly wondered where Amanda had put Brian's revolver until she heard her voice again.
"She needs emotional support." Amanda's tone was sharp and strained. "A gun won't help her conquer what's in her head."
Her throat clenched as she remembered the other woman on her knees in front of her, begging and reasoning, crying and pleading. An intense wave of guilt washed over her, and she swallowed against the knot that had formed in her esophagus. Her selfishness for Amanda's emotional support obviously hadn't ended once they left the hospital, and Olivia quietly berated herself for being so weak that she couldn't control herself.
Knowing that Amanda must be speaking with Brian only made her feel even more ashamed. He already didn't understand. How would he comprehend the idea of her sitting on the floor and sobbing with a gun to her head?
She tried to breathe out steadily, blinking against a rush of tears. She prayed the phone call would be over soon, and that Amanda would return. The other woman's arms had rocked her to sleep and now she felt achingly empty without her.
Rolling back onto her side, she pulled her knees against her chest, and tried to zone out the rest of the conversation that was happening just outside the door. The minutes passed, long and burdensome, before she finally felt the bed shifting beside her. Amanda touched her side, her fingers soft and hesitant.
"Olivia?"
"Yes?" She whispered, raspily, quickly smudging her hand over her face to hide the evidence of the tears that had already fallen upon her awakening.
"That was Brian." Amanda murmured. "He said he's sorry for having to leave."
"He has a job to do."
Amanda was quiet, but Olivia felt her shift into a reclined position next to her. She rolled onto her back so that their shoulders were touching, but she couldn't bring herself to look over at her.
"Did you tell him about…?" Olivia's voice trailed off as she reached up to touch her hair.
"No." Amanda said, softly. "I thought we could get it fixed at a salon, you know?… He doesn't have to know."
Olivia nodded, her throat tightening at Amanda's consideration, and non judgmental tone.
"What about…." Her voice dipped as she recalled their impasse on the floor with the gun.
"I'm sorry." Amanda returned, gently. "He had to know you aren't well."
Olivia nodded, slowly, biting at her lower lip to stop the tears from welling in her eyes once more. She hadn't spared a thought for what anyone might think when she'd felt hopeless enough to consider holding a gun to her head, but now a voracious shame encroached upon her with a wide, hungry mouth. She could hardly look at Amanda, much less even think of Brian's reaction.
"Listen." Amanda said, sitting up from the bed in order to look at her. "I suggested you stay the night at my place. It doesn't seem as if he'll be able to get away."
Olivia glanced away despite Amanda's seeking gaze. Everything within her yearned to reach out and accept Amanda's kind offers and gentle care, but the humiliation over the previous events held her grounded alone in the dark.
"Liv." Amanda whispered, reaching out to touch her arm. "Let me help you…. I don't think any less of you, and I'm definitely not scared off."
Olivia clenched her jaw against tears, staring rigidly at the wall until Amanda grabbed her hand and squeezed. She glanced over at Amanda's deep, blue eyes and creased brow, finally nodding.
"Okay." She whispered. "Thank you."
"Whatever you need." Amanda insisted, clutching clasping her hand tightly between both of hers. "I've got your back, Liv."
Olivia pursed her lips against the swell of tears, squeezing Amanda's fingers back. She couldn't fathom what she had done to deserve Amanda's unwavering dedication, but what she saw in Amanda's cerulean gaze somehow fought back against the darkness which sought to encompass her heart.
"Thank you." She managed once more, her tone trembling.
"You're more than welcome." Amanda murmured, lying back down beside her once more.
Olivia closed her eyes as Amanda's arm wrapped around her and the warmth of her body pressed against her with gentle relief.
"Whenever you're ready." Amanda whispered. "I'll take you away from here."
Olivia's heart clenched with warmth, and she reached up to hold onto Amanda's arm in silent affirmation. They weren't looking at each other, but she didn't think they needed to. There was an undercurrent of understanding that ran deeper than eye contact, and she was beginning to feel it deep in her heart - a warmth that could transcend the cold winter that had stolen it's way to her very core. It was the first hint of hope that she'd truly latched onto, and with her fingers wrapped around Amanda's, she prayed she'd have the strength to hold on.
xxxxx
It wasn't a loud sound or some type of uncomfortable sensation that awoke Amanda at just past 1 am, but rather a cool, gentle breeze which disturbed her slumber. She'd trained herself long ago to be attuned to every small shift of the world around her sleeping body, and the even slightest change in temperature was enough to rouse her.
Although the summer night was far from cold, an inexplicable shiver washed over Amanda's body, causing her to jolt awake in apprehension. In the darkness, she sat up quickly in the bed, immediately feeling next to her for Olivia's body.
When they'd arrived at her apartment, Amanda had offered to take the couch, however, Olivia had seemed hesitant to be alone, and Amanda had been more than willing to stay next to her. She didn't want to repeat her mistake of leaving Olivia to her own devices once more. She'd be no better than Brian if something happened to the other woman on her watch. Therefore, her heart fluttered shallowly in her chest with sinking dread when she found the mattress empty next to her, the sheets cold.
"Liv?" Her voice was a rasp in the dark as she glanced about her room.
Her eyes had just begun to adjust to the darkness when Olivia's voice echoed back to her, low and hollow.
"I'm here."
Amanda found her figure in the shadows, drawn towards the sound of her voice and the source of the breeze. She froze as her eyes came to rest upon Olivia's figure at the bedroom window. The pane was open, allowing the breeze and the smog of New York City to drift into the room.
Amanda swallowed against apprehension, her heart knocking harder at her chest as she slipped from the bed. When she stepped closer she could see that Olivia was sitting on the sill, her legs dangling out against the side of the building.
A slice of fear cut through Amanda's chest at the thought that they were six stories above the ground, and busy street was far below.
"What are you doing?" She asked, her tone barely a whisper as she hovered closer.
Olivia's tone, however, was low, almost even when she stated, stoically, "Don't worry. I'm fine."
She tilted her head back, her shorn hair barely reaching her bare shoulder blades. A plume of smoke billowed above her head, and Amanda balked at the sight of the cigarette dangling from her fingertips. She'd never seen Olivia partake in smoking. In fact, the older detective had often gently urged her to give up the habit. While her concerns had previously been irritating, Amanda now found herself on the other side of the equation. Her bad habit appeared self destructive on Olivia, whose vices were seemingly non-existent.
"I hope you don't mind." Olivia murmured, barely glancing back at her. "I found them on the dresser."
Her eyes were dark as she glanced at Amanda through the uneven strands of hair. The street lights glinted against the shimmering of tears in her eyes and Amanda felt her whole abdomen clutch at the sight.
"Of course not." Amanda whispered, barely hiding her choked tone as she tried desperately to remain calm; but after Olivia's thwarted attempt at Brian's apartment, she could hardly trust that this encounter would end differently.
"I couldn't sleep." Olivia murmured, turning her eyes back towards the skyline.
Amanda finally uprooted her feet from the floor and hesitantly approached her. Terror and adrenaline were a strange mix of nausea in her stomach, but she managed to ward off the effects aside from a slight tremble in her fingers.
"Since we're both up why don't I join you?" She suggested, pushing the past the fear that was tightening her throat.
She was finally close enough that she could see Olivia's profile, illuminated from the street lights down below. The shadows fell long and haunting across her features, displaying the ridges of her brows, nose, and jaw in gaunt, dark grey. She lifted the cigarette to her lips once more, and sucked with an nearly indiscernible tremble.
"Sure." She replied, the utterance emitting huskily upon a stream of smoke.
Amanda watched her closely as she clutched the window sill and climbed on next to her. She glanced down at the street below as her bare feet dangled against the brick. Heights didn't typically frighten her, but the possibility of death here wasn't a mere phobia, and her stomach swirled at the sight of the space between them and the ground.
Tearing her eyes from the frightening image, she forced herself to remain calm. Reaching over, she took the pack from Olivia's hand and shook out a cigarette. Her fingers fumbled for a moment, trembling as she managed to coerce one from the box.
"What's keeping you up?" She asked in a barely even tone as she placed the cigarette between her lips.
Olivia shrugged, nearly too quickly to be believable, as she handed the lighter to Amanda. She took it, watching Olivia closely as she leaned her head against the window frame, staring distantly out at the skyline.
Amanda thumbed the lighter, clenching her lips hard over the cigarette to hold back a curse as her quivering fingers failed her once more. Finally, the lighter clicked loudly in the silence and the flame rushed to ignite the tip. Nicotine smoldered, swirling into Amanda's lungs with a calming caress. She welcomed the familiar comfort, but it was barely a solution to the pounding of her heart.
A long silence passed, and though Amanda's mind rushed at the unknown thoughts twirling through Olivia's mind, she remained quiet until Olivia spoke.
"Therapy." She murmured at last. "I remember how much it hurt in the beginning."
Amanda breathed out, grateful that she hadn't said something akin to murdering Lewis or flinging herself from this ledge. It was a small favor, one that Amanda knew might not last forever.
She nodded slowly, turning the words over in her head before replying, "This is the beginning all over again."
Olivia's brows furrowed, her eyes softly glimmering with the reflection of the skyline. She lifted the cigarette and took another drag while Amanda remained fixated on her every move. Her eyes followed Olivia's long fingers as she tapped the ashes out against the edge of the sill. The grey flakes danced past their feet, disintegrating into the night; and Amanda tried not to watch their descent to the ground below.
"I always knew that my mother's drinking wasn't my fault," Olivia murmured at last, "but I also couldn't help but to think that her life would've been better without me."
Amanda finally glanced away, taking a sharp inhale of nicotine to smooth over the racing of her heart and the pain of Olivia's words.
The story of Olivia's mother was some kind of unspoken knowledge among the squad, but it wasn't until the past few days that Amanda had heard it straight from Olivia's mouth. Now she felt almost guilty for her previous curiosity to the private horror show that had been her conception. She was unworthy yet grateful to be the one sitting here at her side, as uncomfortable as it was.
"I've dealt with feeling guilt in regards to my mother my entire life" Olivia continued, her tone barely maintaining its even inflection, "But this shame…"
She broke off, her gaze dropping sharply. Her hair slanted across her cheekbone, hiding her expression from Amanda's eyes. She drew a sharp breath, grabbing at the edge of the sill as her shoulders tightened.
"This isn't your fault." Amanda whispered, her heart clenching as she reached out to touch her arm.
"No?" Olivia demanded in a tremble, her watery gaze snapping towards hers. "I walked into that apartment, right into his hands just as he wanted. He subdued me in a matter of seconds….When I've spent years professionally and personally ensuring that I had the skill set to thwart a home invasion or kidnapping. I was compromised, and he knew it."
Amanda listened to the steady stream of self blame, aching for the woman next to her. She remembered so well those feelings, the shame which haunted her even to this day. The guilt never truly left her, and it put a knot in her throat that she could not assure Olivia otherwise.
"I know." Amanda murmured, glancing away.
They were both quiet for a moment aside from the tiny crackling of the cigarettes. Amanda bit at her lower lip, scrounging for something to say. She wasn't sure if Olivia was necessarily suicidal in this moment, but she almost wasn't mentally stable either. She felt alone, and Amanda couldn't blame her.
Finally, she cleared her throat, and murmured, "The man that raped me…. I knew him. I wasn't naive. I knew what he was capable of… At the very least, I'd heard rumors."
She felt Olivia's gaze flick over to her and hold. Closing her eyes she pushed forward despite the pain of speaking such a degrading experience - something she'd never had the courage to do before. She'd never had a good enough reason, but maybe if it could make Olivia feel less alone in this aftermath it would be worth it.
"I knew, but I was desperate. My sister was in trouble, and I couldn't let her be charged. It would've killed my mother...and me…. Anyways… I thought I could get a favor out of him, and that no one would get hurt if I just did what he wanted."
She paused, feeling tears prick at her eyes, and the iron fist of dread and horror clutching her throat. She clenched her jaw against it, pushing the emotion away from the forefront of her mind in order to continue.
"I walked into that room of my own volition." She murmured at last, glancing over at Olivia. "I laid down on the bed, and let him get on top of me."
Olivia's brows were drawn, her lips trembling. Amanda had stood by her side when she'd taken victim statements a hundred times and watched that same look fill her eyes, but she wasn't here for sympathy.
"What I'm saying is…. I played a part in my own rape, but I've had to learn that what came after I laid down wasn't my fault. And what Lewis did to you….." She shook her head, reaching for Olivia's hand once more, "You're the last person to blame for it."
Olivia glanced away quickly, but Amanda could already see the shudder in her shoulders. She was silent for several long, excruciating seconds, until the quiver quieted across her being.
"He hit me." Olivia whispered at last, lifting her trembling hand in a fist in front of her. "In the face. Knocked me out. When I woke up I was bound to the chair, and he was at the stove."
Amanda clutched the window frame, her stomach lurching sickly at the images that passed through her brain. She'd been to the apartment, mere hours after Lewis had taken Olivia. She'd seen the wreckage of his torture, the remnants of her pain. She barely even needed to close her eyes to imagine exactly what had happened next. She wasn't even sure that she was strong enough to sit here and take this disclosure - the first that Olivia had ever truly given since her escape. Still, she remained next to her, willing to take this barrage of horror, if only to ease her suffering.
"He turned around as if he could sense I was awake." She murmured, her tone twisting with horrific contemplation. "He smiled, and said, 'Well, hello, beautiful. I must have hit you pretty hard because that was quite the beauty sleep.'" She stopped, scoffing, with a shake of her head. "I could tell he was drunk or high. Or both. Bloodshot eyes, flushed appearance…. That look in his eyes...I started screaming because I knew what what was going to happen to me."
Amanda pushed her hand closer to Olivia's, and their fingers tangled together tightly. She could hardly look over at her, her stomach turning at the vivid descriptions.
"That was when he duct taped my mouth. He said, 'If you can't behave on your own, I'll just have to -'" Her voice cut off, dipping sharply into a soft, pained cry.
She ducked her face away, ripping her hand from Amanda's to cover her mouth, muffling the short, halting sobs which welled up on her lips.
"Olivia…." Amanda whispered, her tone distraught as she slid closer to her, wrapping her arm around her waist.
"He said I'll have to teach you not to say no anymore." Olivia uttered, her voice twisting with disgust and horror, mutilated by tears, "He t-took the key fr-from the stove and -"
Amanda's whole being twisted inside as Olivia cut off and a forceful wave of emotion crashed through her chest. She was here to be strong for her, but she could hardly contain the burgeoning tears. She pressed her forehead to Olivia's temple, clenching her teeth against a sob as she listened to Olivia choke over shuddering cries.
"I'm so sorry." She whispered, pressing her face into Olivia's soft, brutalized hair and squeezing her harder.
"I fought." Olivia cried, sucking in a trembling breath, the words tumbling over each other as they left her tongue, " I screamed. I did everything possible I could think of to escape. I bargained. I pleaded. I offered myself to him if he'd just stop hurting me…"
She collapsed into another deluge of emotion, hunching over as the memories engulfed her. The cigarette slipped from her fingers, twirling towards the dark depths below, as she curled her hands into fists on her knees. When she began to sway, Amanda tossed her own cigarette towards the fading night to wrap both her arms around her, holding her securely from the threat of falling. Olivia's frame shuddered against her and she turned her face into Amanda's chest, clutching at her waist.
Amanda couldn't speak. Somewhere between her own confession and Olivia's recollection, her throat became tied up in a knot of anguish and horror. Just beneath the vile shock lay the kindling rage, the thoughts of a hatred so strong that it terrified her.
"He could've raped me." Olivia whimpered at last. "He could've done a million things to my body, but he didn't even take my clothes off…. He said he knew I'd been waiting for this my entire life and that it wouldn't be so easy….That I'd have to work for it…"
Amanda clutched her harder, pressing her eyes shut against burning tears of commiseration. She pressed her mouth to the back of Olivia's head, muffling a choked cry that wanted to leap from her throat.
"He raped and tortured Alice Parker for 18 hours." Olivia whispered. "How long would I have lasted?"
"Don't say that." Amanda finally breathed, vehemently.
She pulled back, holding Olivia's weak body by her arms as she tried to direct Olivia's face to hers, whispering, "You survived four days of hell with him. You're strong, Olivia. You're brave, and he won't break you."
The positive affirmations seemed to have little effect on her as she remained slumped down in Amanda's arms. The words seemed hollow and useless even to her own ears, knowing that this torment was far from over, and might never be. No matter what happened to Lewis, Olivia would have to live the memories and the effects of those four days for the rest of her life. Now, all Amanda could do was hold her, and hope that she wouldn't collapse into the night just like the fleeting, dying embers of their cigarettes.
"None of this is your fault." Amanda murmured, at last. "Not a single part of it. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
Olivia didn't speak, but her fingers clenched against Amanda's waist. Amanda gathered her closer and cradled her head to her chest, leaving small kisses against her crown. She held her until the spaces between the shivers wracking her body stretched out into nothing, and the tears dried upon their haunted faces.
In the silence, Amanda looked out to the city, across the thousand of lights, and imagined where Lewis was at this very moment. She hoped he was in pain. She hoped that he suffered this night, for the eighteen hours that he'd raped Alice Parker, for the four days of mental torture that he'd subjected Olivia to, and for every single life he'd taken. She wished upon him all of the grief of the entire world and more.
You don't get to take her soul. She thought, vehemently. You had her to yourself for four days…Now, there's me. And I'm not so easy to get around. Try it now, you fucking bastard. Just try it.