I just managed to get away and I wanted to say i'm sorry I'm gonna b home asap
Brian's text stared back at her from the screen, and though she had already read it three times, she read it again, hoping to find some emotion attached to it. She took in the apology with a tightening throat before tossing her phone to the side table.
He hasn't even apologized for abandoning me. The thought crossed her mind before she could stop it, and she groaned out a breath, rubbing both hands over her face.
"Hey, you okay?" Amanda's voice drew her attention, and she lifted her head to see the other woman re-entering the room, a look of concern on her face.
She'd suggested tea after they'd quietly left the windowsill, as if they had both just silently agreed not to discuss the danger of it. She knew that Amanda understood, especially after listening to her own painful description of her assault, but that didn't stop her from feeling ashamed all over again at how many times Amanda had yanked her back from the brink of despair. It seemed as if the past two days had been a constant loop of Olivia losing her grip on reality only to come to with Amanda hovering above her. She wasn't sure whether she grateful or simply embarrassed.
"I'm fine. It was just…." She motioned towards the discarded phone, trying to find some unrevealing way to describe her conflicted feelings towards Brian.
"Did he call?" Amanda asked as she reached the bed, the steaming mug of tea in hand.
Her tone was neutral, but Olivia had known Amanda long enough to sense the distrust in her gaze. Amanda and Brian had hardly been acquaintances before this week, and although Amanda had seemed interested in her happiness with him, Olivia had always come to the conclusion that Amanda didn't quite like him. Before, that hadn't mattered; they were only co-workers, and Amanda's opinion had held little weight in regards to her personal life. Now, Olivia was ignoring his texts in exchange for Amanda's company. It was perhaps the strangest turn events since the abduction, but one she was yet to question.
As Amanda settled down on the bed beside her, Olivia took the offered cup, and gazed down into the honey liquid, murmuring, "He texted."
Amanda nodded, but didn't inquire further, and for that Olivia was grateful. She didn't want to think about Brian or anything for that matter. Her brain ached from thinking, from judging herself over and over again in her mind. She couldn't afford to begin questioning her relationship.
"Thank you." She said, glancing over at Amanda. "For the tea."
"Of course." Amanda nodded, dipping her head.
Olivia directed her gaze back to the cup, and blew across the tea in silence.
These moments of sanity were almost uncomfortable, as if her body didn't know what to do without the heart-stopping adrenaline pushing her towards the fight or flight instincts of survival. She'd become accustomed to awakening with a jolt, knowing that Lewis was close. It had only taken four days for her to immediately sleep in the fetal position, legs clenched tightly together, abdomen protected. Every waking moment had been spent attempting to devise some way of escape or new way to manipulate him. Her head had been full of unexecuted plans during her time in the trunk and the beach house, and even now they seemed to take precedence in her mind although all threat to her life had been extinguished. Her muscles ached from constantly being taut in anticipation of attack, and when she awoke now, her jaw throbbed from the involuntary grinding and clenching.
Even now, sipping calming chamomile tea, her mind drifted to escape plans, more efficient ways of defeating Lewis and fleeing from this aftermath. When Amanda spoke her name once more, she blinked quickly out of the heavy, foggy zone of survival.
"Yes?" She replied, automatically, lifting her head.
Amanda was watching her, her brow furrowed with underlying anxiety, and Olivia couldn't blame her. Despite the relief and comfort of collapsing into someone who knew a fraction of her pain, she still wished in some ways that she could take back the words she'd spoken. They still seemed to echo in her head as if finally saying what Lewis had done had cemented it into reality. Looking back into Amanda's eyes, she knew that her mind also ached with the memories of her confession. She would never forget. It ached to be so open and vulnerable, but when Amanda gazed at her in a such a way, she wished she could wrench her own chest open, let the other woman crawl inside to explore every rib and organ. It was a terrifying balance between the safety and trust, and the harder she tried to maintain it, the harder it became.
"You should get some more sleep after this." Amanda suggested, shattering her train of thought. "Brian can wait."
She nodded, grateful for even the thought of ignoring her trouble. She before gazed back down across the rippling, golden waves in the glass, hoping for such calm in her own body.
Yes, sleep did sound nice, anything to take her away from the terror of her feelings both above and below; but Lewis's abduction had sent her spiraling into a horrific dreamland every night since her rescue. No matter how calm she felt upon dozing off, she always awoke with a jolt. Her ride in the trunk of the Lincoln wrapped in her mother's sheets haunted her often. In one dream, she felt the prognostic sensation of Lewis cutting the tape away from her legs over and over again, knowing he only intended to force them open. In another, she watched the curtains of the beach house floating gently in the breeze, all the while knowing that if she but turned her head, she would witness a bloodbath. Even when blackness encroached upon her vision, she would hear him humming to the radio in her mind. The flashes and bits of visceral images stayed with her, foreboding things much more sinister than her brain could fathom to conjure, and yet she screamed in terror at the slightest memory.
Yes, she wanted to sleep more than anything, but even from behind prison walls, Lewis wouldn't let her rest.
xxxx
The teacup and its contents had grown still and cold on the bedside table when Amanda was awoken abruptly by Olivia's arm suddenly thrashing across her body, followed by a low, strangled cry. She gasped awake, heart racing in her chest as Olivia writhed away from her with a louder moan. Her elbow thrust back, suddenly, landing harshly in Amanda's stomach with a forceful blow.
"Uhggg…" Amanda groaned, involuntarily, clutching at her stomach as she gasped for air. "Liv…."
Panic ate at her chest as she struggled to regain her breath around the debilitating pain from the accidental elbow to her solar plexus. Despite her disorientation, she could make out Olivia's frame, trembling and reacting, yet still in the clutches of sleep.
"No…" Olivia whimpered, shuddering against the mattress, her hands scratching across the sheets as she twisted beneath the force of the nightmare.
"Liv…" Amanda rasped, sitting up on her elbow and grabbing for the other woman.
Olivia's eyes were clenched shut, but her face was wrenched with terror, her body rigid. Her head tossed back and forth against the pillow, and Amanda could see sweat glistening on her forehead.
"Liv, wake up." Amanda, demanded between gasps.
Ignoring the way her stomach ached from the unintentional blow, she pushed herself up from the sheets and grabbed Olivia's flailing arms to shake her. Olivia immediately screamed, bucking harder beneath Amanda's body in a desperate escape attempt from whatever was happening inside her head.
"Liv, wake up!" Amanda ordered louder, shaking her once more.
Olivia sobbed in response, twisting beneath Amanda's hold, her legs kicking back and forth across the sheets.
"Goddamnit…." Amanda hissed, barely able to keep Olivia's wildly clawing hands under control.
She didn't want to hurt her, but she had to force her out of the dream. Finally, she climbed on top of Olivia's body for fear that she would fling herself to the floor in her fear; and hovering over her, she clasped Olivia's face in her hands.
"Olivia, wake up, it's a dream." She insisted, shaking her, "It's just me. I won't hurt you."
Olivia whimpered, and Amanda could feel a tear squeeze from beneath her lid and trail down across her thumb. Her legs kicked weakly one more time, but her lids were beginning to flutter with wakefulness.
"Wake up." Amanda murmured, bending down to press her lips against her feverish forehead. "It's okay….I'm here…"
Olivia finally stilled beneath her, though she quivers wracked her body from the weight of the nightmare. Her hands reached up, slowly, fumbling for Amanda's body as she came fully to reality.
"Amanda?" She whispered in confusion, her voice scratchy from screaming.
"Yes, it's me." Amanda whispered, easing back to look down at Olivia's face.
Her brow was drawn in horror and bewilderment, tears glazing her widened eyes.
"A-Amanda?" She repeated, her fingers slowly clutching the material of her t-shirt as if she couldn't believe that she was real.
"You're okay." Amanda breathed, stroking her thumbs over Olivia's tear stained cheeks. "You were dreaming."
"I…." Olivia began in a choked tone, her eyes darting away. "I'm sorry…"
"No, no, it's okay." Amanda assured her, leaning in once more to kiss her forehead. Stroking her hand over Olivia's hair and jaw, she repeated, "You're okay…"
Olivia's hands clenched down on her sides, pulling her close as she held back haunted sobs. She pressed her face into Amanda's neck, and Amanda sank down into her body, letting the weight of herself ground Olivia into reality. It was difficult not to drown in to the flood of Olivia's sorrow, welling up from beneath her, but she held her chin above the tide, determined to drag them both to safe ground.
It took several long minutes for Olivia to calm to the gentleness of her touch, and even when they were quiet and still, Amanda didn't want to let go. She remained huddled against Olivia's chest, clutching her hair while Olivia's arms held tight about her waist. Finally, when their embrace stretched into what Amanda imagined was an inappropriate amount of time, she drew back, smoothing her palms over Olivia's cheeks, where tears still dried.
Olivia ducked her face away into the cup of her palm, her brow furrowing at the feeling of Amanda's eyes on her. She drew a shuddering breath through her nose, her lips tight against a shudder of emotion.
"I'm sorry." She repeated, her tone choppy.
"No…." Amanda shook her head, directing Olivia's face back in her direction. "I want to be here… for you… forever."
Olivia's eyes darted to hers quickly, fluttering wide at the impassioned statement, and Amanda ducked her head quickly. The words had rushed from her tongue without even the thought of how it appear to Olivia; but the fact of the matter was that it was the truth. Her heart had hardly faltered through the entirety of this ordeal, and for these blurred days, she hadn't questioned their growing attachment, nor the motivation of this burning passion.
"Amanda…" Olivia murmured, "You don't have to sacrifice yourself for me."
"And if I want to?" Amanda returned with hardly a pause, locking her gaze to Olivia's once more.
Olivia's expression was a mix of a myriad of emotions, twisted with confusion, fear, relief, gratefulness, and a hundred more. Her fingers trembled at Amanda's waist, but clenched steadily tighter.
"I would tell you to go." She finally whispered, her tone low, mouth quivering. "I would tell you to run. As far away from me as you can."
Amanda's jaw clenched as she slowly nodded, though more in understanding than agreement. Clasping her hands tighter over Olivia's cheeks, she bent closer to her and whispered, huskily, "No. Never."
Olivia's brow furrowed, and she closed her eyes as tears welled up against her lids.
"I don't deserve this." She burst out, her chest heaving in the release of emotion.
"And I don't deserve the chance to be this close to you, but we're here." Amanda breathed, her own eyes stinging with tears. "If there's a god, maybe he can decide what we do and don't deserve, but that's for the next life, not this this one. And for now, I'm here, and you can't tell me to go because I won't. I won't!"
Olivia collapsed into sobs beneath her, tears spreading from beneath her lids, and Amanda bent down to catch that blessed rain. Her own chest was tight, vision blurred, as she pressed her mouth to the salty streams, catching up the gentle outpouring with a dozen kisses. In her own mind, it was a paltry offering. She wasn't god, but this she did know - Olivia deserved this and much more; and maybe one day Amanda could be the one to give it to her.
xxxxx
Two hours had passed since Olivia's nightmare, but Amanda had yet to close her eyes. Sleep seemed far from her when Olivia appeared much more beautiful beside her than in the dreams that would surely seize her.
She laid awake, curled on her side next to Olivia, watching the her chest rise and fall, her lids flutter. Every so often, she would softly groan in her sleep, and Amanda prayed each time that it wasn't another nightmare emerging from the dark corners of her memories to haunt her.
Her mind raced with thoughts about the woman beside her, and the man who had put her here, but it almost seemed more terrifying to contemplate their interaction after the nightmare than of Lewis. Lewis was something she could focus on with pure, undiluted emotion. There was only one thing she could feel towards him, and that was hate. What she felt towards Olivia, while not life threatening, was much more complex than one simple word.
And so she thought of Lewis.
She'd never been a person of inaction, and certainly never one to let an injustice pass her by without an effort towards rectifying it. She was the one who had sent Frannie after him in the park. She was the one who had first put cuffs on him. She was the one who had worked so hard to uncover his web of lies and good fortune. He'd escaped the long of the law so many time, and it burned her that she hadn't put an end to it. She loathed to return without victory, and even more so when the innocent were caught in the crossfire.
She wished she could look him in the eye one last time, if only to let him know that he was going down because of her.
At half past five am, her restlessness finally pulled her from the sheets. Sitting up at the edge of the bed, she hunched over with her elbows on her knees, staring at the floor.
If she didn't act now, Lewis would go to trial with the preconceived notion that he would wile his way out of a conviction once more. He would go down without her ever laying her eyes on Olivia's handiwork again.
She rose swiftly from the bed, casting one last glance at Olivia's sleeping frame before she grabbed her phone from the bedside table. She eased out of the bedroom and moved quietly down the hall. Flicking on the lamp light, she crossed to her desk and took a seat behind the computer screen.
She opened the browser and typed into the search bar: dr james allen bellevue hospital new york
She sat back as the search results loaded, and grabbed a crushed pack of cigarettes from the table. She tapped one out and lit up as she clicked on the images option. She scrolled through a few rows, a smile lifting her lips, softly.
Blowing out the first rush of nicotine, her blood tingling with adrenaline, she murmured, "There you are."