Wow 6 months since the last update on this. I apologize the wait. I'm sure some of y'all thought I had abondoned this but I really just needed a break from the dark subject matter during a time that I was trying to better my mental health. For those of you all that are still waiting or reading - thank you. I probably wouldn't be continuing this without you.
xxxxx
"Hello?"
The voice at the other end of the line was groggy with sleep, confusion written into his tone, laced with frustration. It was the third time she had called, and she knew he must have ignored her first two attempts at the sight of a blocked number on his screen. James wasn't stupid, but it was 5:30 in the morning, and most folks treasured the last few hours of sleep before having to drag themselves to work. It didn't matter whether he'd answered the phone out of curiosity or just to shut her up - she had his attention now.
"Morning, James." She replied, taking in another drag of smoke.
She was standing at the open window, breathing out into the warm night air. She watched each cloud evaporate against the backdrop of the city skyline. Across the street, lights were beginning to come on, but there were others like her who'd been crawling across their floors and walls all night.
"Who the fuck is this?" James grumbled.
"Hmmm…." Amanda murmured, tapping out her ashes in a calculated manner. "You'd think a person would remember a cop who could land them in jail at any time."
A few beats of harsh, apprehensive silence prefaced his sudden realization.
"Amanda?!" James demanded, and she could nearly see his pasty skin becoming flushed with indignation. "How the hell did you get my personal cell phone number?"
"Don't worry about that." Amanda returned, narrowing her eyes upon the distant sky. "I won't be calling you again after this."
"What do you want?" James asked once more, this time in a quieter tone.
"Meet me." Amanda proposed, easily, returning the cigarette to her mouth.
She needed the calming nicotine to control the pounding of her heart. Despite her flippant attitude towards James, she was quietly desperate. She couldn't devise another plan. Should this one fail she had no other way into the guarded halls of the Bellevue Prison Ward - at least not one that didn't compromise the case against Lewis or land her in handcuffs.
"What for?" James hissed.
She could hear scuffling in the background, and she imagined that she was pulling him from the warmth of his bed in order to hide their conversation from his sleeping wife.
"I can't say right now." Amanda returned.
"Are you serious?" He demanded. "What am I supposed to tell my wife?"
"She doesn't have to know." Amanda replied, calmly. "In fact, you should be thinking about your job more than your wife."
She could almost hear the string of thoughts going through his mind. She nearly felt a twinge of guilt at holding his gambling addiction above his head when her own barely remained under her control, but she wasn't here to commiserate with him.
"Fine." James sighed at last. "When and where?"
xxxxx
She'd been awake for several minutes now, but she'd hardly moved. She'd come out of a dream that she couldn't quite remember, though not as she'd grown accustomed to. This morning was slow, almost gentle. A single detail that remained through the fog of wakefulness was Amanda's face. She'd been there, and Olivia wondered if that was why she hadn't woken screaming.
She could hear the sounds of the city drifting through the walls and windows, and sense the rising sun. Across the pillow next to her, Amanda's hair was beginning to shimmer, not so unlike the celestial being peeking at the horizon.
Her face was turned away, and perhaps that made it easier for Olivia to reach out her fingers, hesitantly. She touched the golden locks, stroking the very ends which curled gently beneath her hand.
Soft….
She closed her eyes, withdrawing her hand.
These peaceful moments were but a short reprieve. She feared that if she let herself indulge too much that the guilt would consume her even further afterwards. How could she enjoy such trivial things when she'd so recently barely escaped with her life? Did traumatized people enjoy things? Did they wonder at the light touching a golden head? Did their chest ever warm at the kindness of another? Did she belong with survivors at all?
With a low sigh, she rolled on her back, and stared up at the ceiling.
She remembered Amanda's midnight vows, the passion in her tone, and she wanted more than anything accept her devotion - but it also terrified her. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. No one had ever made promises, and it was rare that she believed anyone who approached her with such lofty words.
What did it mean? Did she even deserve it?
She turned her head, gazing at Amanda's sleeping frame once more, and her chest expanded with a desperate flutter. It frightened her even more that her heart hadn't stopped begging for the other woman's love since that night in the hospital. Amanda's had been the only kind and understanding face, and in her fragile state, she'd clung to her - now, she couldn't let go, and she wasn't sure she even wanted to. She didn't want to even begin to contemplate what that meant for her relationship with Brian or why he even came to her mind in contrast to Amanda.
"You're awake?" Amanda sleepy mumble drew her attention and she gasped softly in surprise when she rolled over next to her.
"Oh...y-yeah…" She murmured as Amanda slid close to her, her forehead touching her shoulder.
"It wasn't a bad dream, was it?" Amanda whispered once more, still half asleep.
"No…." Olivia contemplated, glancing over at Amanda's body curled close to hers. "I think it was kind of….good this time…"
Amanda's eyes cracked open, and Olivia found herself staring back into her deep, cerulean eyes. Yesterday's makeup was smudged at her lash lines, giving her a somber appearance, but Olivia was drawn more to the scintillating depths of her blue gaze.
"Really?" Amanda asked. "That's so good, Olivia."
She squeezed her arm with a smile, and before Olivia could stop herself she was reaching back, her fingers curling around Amanda's.
"You were in it." She said, the words bursting from her tongue like some kind of secret that brought her too much joy to keep to herself.
Amanda's eyes widened further, a smile blossoming across her lips. She ducked her chin, with a rough chuckle.
"And that made it good?" She asked in a joking tone though Olivia thought she could hear the hopefulness resonate behind layers of cynicism.
"Well….it couldn't make it bad…"
Amanda laughed, an uneasy cough, and shifted into a sitting position. Olivia doubted that she meant to hurt her, but the withdrawal of Amanda's hand from her arm left a dull pang to spread across her chest.
"I already let Cragen know I'd be in late today." Amanda said, changing topics so quickly that Olivia stared at her for a moment before she processed the words.
"You didn't have to do that." She shrugged, glancing away, strangely hurt by Amanda's behavior.
"Well, I said I'd take you to get your hair cut." Amanda said, rising from the bed. "I'm sure Brian will want you returned soon."
"I can handle myself." Olivia muttered, sitting up and turning her back to Amanda.
Clutching the edge of the bed, she stared silently out the window at the horizon. Behind her, Amanda was quiet for a moment. Finally, Olivia heard her footsteps before she came into her peripheral vision near the end of the bed.
"Liv…." Amanda murmured. "I'm sorry. I didn't sleep much last night."
Olivia nodded slowly, swallowing against the tightness in her throat. She bent her head, staring down at her lap.
"I'm happy you had a nice dream, and I'm happy I was in it." Amanda said, stepping closer.
Sitting at the edge of the bed, Amanda hesitantly offered her hand once more. Olivia cast a stoic glance at her outstretched fingers, though in her heart she didn't hesitate. Clasping Amanda's hand, she forced a smile.
"It's just that…." Amanda began, her voice dipping before she cleared her throat. "Usually when I'm around bad things happen to people….not good things. I mean, look where my pursuit of Lewis went…"
"Amanda." Olivia reprimanded, sharply, looking up at her downturned face quickly. "This isn't your fault."
Amanda shrugged. "Maybe not if you believe in Fate..."
"Do you?" Olivia asked, gazing at her intently.
Amanda finally lifted her face, her brows furrowing slowly as their eyes locked. She seemed caught off guard by the intensity of Olivia's gaze on her, but she had to know. Was this all some sort of extravagant, universal plan or was she simply a tiny fleck of insignificance tossed about by the whims of chance? Staring into Amanda's eyes, she wanted to believe that that the pointlessness of Lewis's violence could mean something more in the end, even if it was only them sitting next to each other, holding hands.
Finally, Amanda murmured, softly, "Only in the one we make for ourselves…. There's only a purpose in horrible things like this if you want there to be one."
"Then maybe I need there to be." Olivia whispered, clutching her hand and glancing away.
"It's just my personal belief." Amanda replied in an apologetic tone. "People tend to look for some kind of reason for bad things happening in order to deal with them and I understand that. I tried to do that for many years especially when I was a kid, and sometimes it worked."
"Then if you were still a child," Olivia whispered, "What would you tell yourself?"
Amanda's brow furrowed, and Olivia wasn't sure whether she was hiding an unspoken truth or if she truly didn't have an answer. She glanced away with a low scoff, and Olivia could hear the way it guarded a tender emotion. Squeezing Amanda's hand harder, she wanted to believe it was meant for her.
"The last time a man assaulted a woman I care about, I shot him." She whispered at last, casting her a wry expression. "Silver linings, Liv…. They aren't really my thing."
Before Olivia could answer, she patted her hand before slipping their fingers apart. She rose from the bed, suggesting they should get dressed, leaving Olivia bereft of her touch and wondering just how far Amanda would go to avenge her.
xxxxxx
Golden rays from the setting sun twinkled across the water just beyond on the pier where Amanda stood, waiting. The squall of a seagull interrupted her thoughtful reverie, and she tilted her head back to watch the bird soar overhead. The lone animal flew in solitude, unprotected.
Perhaps, she was doing the same by being here, but after last evening's events, she felt helplessly drawn to the danger of avenging Olivia's pain in some way. Watching the stylist shear away the uneven ends of Olivia's butchered hair was hardly enough to wipe away the memory of her breakdown. In fact, the silent pain in Olivia's eyes as she sat rigidly in the salon chair had nearly broken the last ounce of strength that Amanda barely possessed after a sleepless night next to the other woman's shivering frame. Maybe she'd saved Olivia from physically harming herself, but her efforts were useless against damage inside her heart.
She'd been loathe to release Olivia back into Brian's care, but as soon as she had turned away from his apartment, her determination had burned through her veins with an insistent fire. For now, Olivia was safe, and she was free to bury herself in this mission of revenge.
She'd never been to Staten Island before, but that was the point. Her meeting with James was something she'd carefully planned. The further from Manhattan and Bellevue they were, the better.
Tugging the black baseball cap down further over her brows, she tossed a quick glance back towards the boardwalk behind her. A group of joggers passed by, their feet rattling the wood in a disjointed rhythm, ushering a small breeze through the humid air. Squinting past them, Amanda noticed a dark sedan pulling up to the meter. When the door opened, James stepped out, glancing about. Even from this distance, she could detect his nervous posture, reminding her she'd made the right choice in meeting in a secluded location.
Folding her arms, she turned towards the road, leaning against the railing as he approached. His face was crinkled against the sunlight as he crossed the boardwalk, coming to stand next to her, several feet away.
"All right. I'm here." He said, staring at the water, defiantly. "What do you want?"
"William Lewis." Amanda stated, plainly, tilting her head to watch his reaction.
It was better to cut right to the real reason for her contacting him. She didn't plan on this going awry but if they did she wanted no record of them being seen together.
His head spun towards her when he heard Lewis's name, eyes wide, mouth agape. He stuttered for a moment, swiping his hand through his thinning hair.
"William Lewis?" He hissed at last, glancing towards two women who were strolling past. "He's a high profile prisoner. What do you want with him?"
"The less you know the better." Amanda replied. "All you need to know is that I need five, maybe ten minutes, in his room. Alone."
"No, no, no." He shook his head, blowing a low breath. "This is not what I signed up for."
"What did you sign up for?" Amanda demanded, stepping closer to him. "I thought it was for whatever the fuck that I want."
"Come on, Amanda." He pleaded, casting her a desperate glance. "This is my career on the line."
"Listen, I'm not going to do anything stupid." Amanda insisted. "I will be in and out. No one even has to know I'm there."
"And if Lewis tells someone?" James asked.
"Wait." Amanda said, holding up a hand as his bitter response halted her coercion. "He's awake?"
James pursed his lips with a sigh, glancing away from her again.
"I can't tell you patient information." He murmured, although by his regretful tone, she knew he already had.
The information did little more than enrage her. Until this moment, she hadn't given much thought to Lewis's physical state. The last time she had seen him, he'd been a bloody mess on a stretcher, barely recognizable. She supposed that memory had suited her hateful thoughts. Considering him making a full recovery was was hardly an outcome she'd entertained during the hours she'd spent with Olivia.
"Olivia beat that bastard within an inch of his life." Amanda ground out at last, motioning with her thumb and forefinger in James's face. "And you're telling me he's not even on his deathbed?"
"He's been through several surgeries, all right." James snapped, holding up a hand to stop her. "He's regained limited consciousness."
"Limited consciousness." Amanda repeated, spitefully, sinking back against the rail as her mind turned over the information. "So can he get up? Walk? Talk?"
"He's confined to a hospital bed and a ventilator." James said with a shake of his head. "He's not going anywhere, thanks to your friend."
"All the better." Amanda sneered, scoffing in disgust. "The son of a bitch should be dead."
"Amanda, I'd really advise against this." James insisted, anxious at her malevolent tone. "He's a dangerous man, and Bellevue is strict about access to maximum security prisoners."
"It's a good thing I have you then." Amanda replied with a short, sarcastic smile, reaching out to clap him on the shoulder.
He flinched, his jaw grinding in irritation as she pushed away from the railing.
"I'll see you tonight." She said, pinning him with a persuasive glare.
"If I get fired, I'll bring you down with me." He replied, but she shrugged off his threat.
"You don't scare me, James." She said, brushing past him. "And neither does William Lewis."
Without a second glance back, she strode off down the boardwalk. She'd seen a coffee shop a few blocks away, and she could use the caffeine. It was going to be a long night.