A rainstorm had begun to form at just past four am, clouding the air with intense humidity. Somewhere between Amanda leaving her apartment, and arriving at the small motel a few blocks away from Mercy Hospital, the sky broke open, rushing down upon her old, rumbling pickup in an angry torrent. Her windshield wipers whirred, racing to beat away the rain pelting the glass.
Hunched forward, eyes squinted, Amanda was barely able to see through the downpour as she slowed in front of the hotel. The red, flicking display of the sign above winked at her through the raindrops, assuring her she was at the correct location. She turned into the lot, and the truck bounced over several potholes before she cranked the wheel towards the closest parking spot.
Her heart was racing, quick and shallow, as she killed the engine. The sound of the storm swelled around her in the silence, but the rain was hardly a calming noise against the vehicle.
She'd rushed from her apartment with little thought, intent upon finding Olivia and rushing to her side. Now, as the old hotel rose above her, she hesitated to wonder at the sight she would find inside Olivia's rented room. She hadn't gone home to Brian, instead hiding in an unfamiliar, and perhaps unsafe place, and Amanda's mind turned with the possibilities of what could've happened between dropping her off that morning and finding her here now.
Finally, with apprehension swarming in her belly, she grabbed her badge from the seat beside her. She had no real reason for bringing it, aside from the comfort that it held, a sense of safety to drown her fear.
Shoving the door open, Amanda ducked out into the rain, immediately becoming drenched. She slammed the truck door behind her, and ran towards the building as her hair, shoulders and pant legs soaked up the falling rain. Once she reached the sidewalk and the cover of the overhang, she searched up and down the doors for the room number Olivia had texted her. When she didn't find it, she jogged up the stairs two at a time to the next level.
The sequence of events reminded her far too much of finding Olivia in Brian's apartment, gun in hand. She desperately tried not to catastrophize, reminding herself that she was already emotionally and physically exhausted.
Anything's possible. She told herself, as she strode down the balcony. She could be fine.
The numbers dwindled down towards the correct digits, and forgetting her calculating thoughts, she rushed towards the door. She immediately banged her fist on the door, calling out Olivia's name.
"Olivia! It's Amanda!" She shouted over the pounding of the rain on the roof above her.
If there was a response she couldn't hear it. Discarding formalities, she grabbed the door knob, and twisted, praying it was unlocked. When the door gave way in front of her, she breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that at least one small favor had been sent in her direction.
Stepping in out of the rain, she closed the door behind her, plunging her into silence.
The room was small with minimal, antiquated furniture. A lamp spread flicking, yellow light across the space, and to her right, the bed, and it's paisley patterned comforter, were in pristine condition. There was hardly a sign that Olivia had checked in, and for a moment Amanda questioned whether she'd entered the correct room. She pulled out her phone to confirm from Olivia's text message before shoving it back into her pocket.
"Liv?" She called out into the empty room, her voice sounding loud against the pewter walls.
Her heart beat echoed restlessly in her ears as she listened to the distant storm and the creaking of the walls - but no response, not even a whimper.
"Liv?" She repeated, hesitantly taking another step forward.
A swath of light cutting across the shadowed floor drew her attention to the bathroom on her left, and she stopped, hesitating at the sight of the half open door. Her breath hitched in her throat as she remembered finding Olivia's shorn hair spread across the floor of a different bathroom, and she wondered what she would find sprawled here.
Advancing towards the door, Amanda swallowed hard, her tongue dry against her equally barren palate. Her heart raced with the terrifying uncertainties, but she reached out her hand to swing the door inwards. With a creak of the hinges, the room yawned in front of her, sucking her into this liminal space between heartbreak and reality.
She found Olivia there, her naked figure hunched over in the bathtub. Her knees were pulled up against her chest, head cradled in her arms as the water lapped against cold, pale flesh. She hardly moved, save for a shiver, as Amanda hovered at the threshold, frozen in that moment.
The humidity that had existed in the atmosphere had been sucked away by the ensuing storm, sweeping frigid air straight through the old, frail walls of the hotel. As Amanda vacillated in the doorway, she could almost see the chills washing over Olivia's back and arms, though the discomfort hardly moved her from her huddled position.
"Olivia…" Amanda whispered at last, reaching out a trembling hand as she moved closer.
She could see no physical injuries nor weapons to seduce Olivia toward suicidal thoughts, but the abject vulnerability of her pose and demeanor scratched insistently across Amanda's senses. A week ago, she would have never imagined a scenario such as this, and now Olivia was puddled in front of her, stripped of her dignity, her strength, and her hope. They'd walked through the rape kit, through nightmares and the desire to end it all, but after walking through her own personal fire with Lewis, Amanda barely fought off the fantasy of collapsing with her into the water.
"Liv…" She uttered, her voice raspy, and barely audible.
She sank to the floor on her knees next to the bathtub, close enough to touch her creamy flesh; but she didn't reach out her fingers afraid to shatter her with a careless hand.
A soft moan reached Amanda's ears as Olivia's head slowly turned, her chestnut hair shifting across her tear stained cheeks. Through the strands, her dark eyes met Amanda's, swimming with another gush of emotion, and the emptiness within them shook Amanda to her very core.
It wasn't a foreign feeling, nor something she'd so easily misinterpret after the years she had fought to reclaim her identity; not after feeling like a stranger in her own skin only an hour ago.
"I'm here." Amanda whispered, clutching the edges of the bathtub, wanting nothing more than plunge into the water after her.
Olivia's expression twisted beneath the force of tears, and she reached out one quivering, cold hand, clutching Amanda's fingers hard.
"Yes, I'm here." Amanda repeated, clasping Olivia's hand with both of hers.
She rubbed her chilled flesh, praying that Olivia would feel the contact and find the solid ground of reality once more.
"I went to the hospital." Olivia whispered, hollowly, her voice halting.
Amanda paused from massaging her hand, glancing up Olivia's distraught expression.
Memories of fear and invasion clung to the hospital in her mind, leaving her head swimming, her stomach sick. She couldn't imagine what feelings that place would elicit from Olivia's fragile heart, or why she would ever want to return so soon.
"Why?" Amanda asked, softly, careful to splice any judgement from her tone.
"I-..." Olivia began, her gaze darting away as if she were trying to unravel her own reasoning. "I wanted Erica to tell me if Lewis had raped me or not."
"You told me he didn't." Amanda murmured, her fingers clenching tighter around Olivia's.
Olivia stared at the white tiled backsplash of the shower, chewing anxiously on her lower lip. For a few, long moments, she hardly even acknowledged that Amanda had spoken.
Finally, she whispered, her voice raspy and loud in the silence, "I had a dream I was pregnant."
Amanda sighed, quietly, glancing down at their intertwined fingers.
She'd only just begun to understand Olivia's complicated feelings towards motherhood, and her own were so different. She'd always taken every precaution in order not to have a child, and had the possibility arisen after her rape, she would've terminated the pregnancy without hesitation. For Olivia, however, as a person conceived of rape, and as a woman yearning for a child, it would not be so easy.
"I threw up at the thought of him -" Olivia began, rigidly, before cutting off sharply.
Her fingernails bit into the back of Amanda's, but Amanda ignored the discomfort, stroking Olivia's trembling fingers, slowly. After all, this hesitant caress was her only offer.
She didn't have the words to say in order to comfort Olivia on this topic. She'd rushed here, prepared to be her savior as many times as she had to, but the concept of wanting a child, even one born out of such circumstances, was a thought she'd hardly entertained in her life. The events Olivia had suffered, which had driven her to this convoluted thinking, were even more unconscionable.
"I just felt so alone." Olivia whispered, her gaze flicking back to Amanda's, filled with the desperation for understanding.
"I know, sweetie." Amanda murmured, ducking her head as tears burned her eyes with passionate pity.
"No…" Olivia moaned, her voice rising. "You don't know."
Amanda involuntarily recoiled, taken aback by Olivia's rejection of her soothing. She'd already admitted to herself that for the first time since finding Olivia at the beach house that she was out of her depth, but she felt terrified to be useless. If she could not comfort Olivia, what function did she have in her life?
She stared at Olivia wide eyed and mute as a thick tear streamed down Olivia's cheek. She wrenched her hand from Amanda's grip to wipe it viciously away, only for another to follow.
"No one will ever understand." She insisted, her tone garbled with emotion. "I've wanted to be a mother for more than half of my life. I prayed to God for someone I could trust with my body. With my life. And this is His answer?! A slap in my face?!"
"Olivia…" Amanda whispered, sinking back on her heels and clutching her face as Olivia's sorrow bled into anger.
No, she couldn't understand. There was no possible way to climb inside this feeling and experience the pain of this moment. She couldn't comfort her, so she stayed there, absorbing every emotional blow, blasting from Olivia's mouth on the memory of a prayer.
"He got me where he wanted me, accepting whatever was thrown my way." Olivia breathed, and Amanda wasn't sure whether she meant God or Lewis; and at this point, she wasn't even sure it mattered.
"And I thought," Olivia whispered, the ire seeping from her tone, spiraling towards something much different. "Even if it was his…it'd also be mine."
The unfathomable confession punctured Amanda's faulty composure, sawing away the last strings of her sanity. Every logical part of her screamed at her to ignore impulse, to remain rooted here on the floor, but she was far too exhausted, in her body and mind, to clutch at the reasoning to keep her distance.
Yanking her feet out from under her, she tore at her laces with trembling fingers and kicked her shoes off. Olivia's unfocused gaze followed her harried movements as she shoved up from the floor. She tossed her jacket off, and dug her cellphone from her pocket, carelessly discarding it on the bathroom floor. Then, she was splashing into the tub, sinking into the rolling water in front of Olivia. The waves rose high against the sides of the bath, lapping at their heaving torsos as she grasped Olivia's arms, and pulled her close.
In the somber light of the bathroom, she could see every glittering nuance of Olivia's amber eyes, the tear stained patterns on her soft flesh, and the very tremble of her mouth. She was defenseless and broken, and Amanda could only pray she wouldn't drown them both in her reckless fervor to save her.
Only a day ago, Olivia had begged her to leave her while they lay between the sheets of Amanda's own bed, but she had taken a vow in the same minute's time. Now, Fate had found them here again, and she would not break it, but rather, complete it.
Sliding her hands up over Olivia's bare shoulders, she clasped her cheeks, and tilted to their faces close.
"Listen to me," She whispered, swallowing back tears which would sink her steady promises. "You're going to be a mother one day, and when you are, it will be your choice. Not God's, and not Lewis's. Yours."
Olivia sobbed at her words, grabbing onto Amanda's arms as a lifeline. They both shuddered, rocking in the water's gentle motion, and Amanda pulled Olivia's face to hers without hesitation, laying desperate kisses across her flushed cheeks. The saltiness of Olivia's tears dissolved along her tongue, and brought a sting to her own eyes for each and every drop while Olivia whimpered, and quivered. At first, she lapsed like a ragdoll in Amanda's embrace, gasping the onslaught of devotion until finally she clutched at Amanda's shoulders, weakly dragging herself closer.
Amanda planted her kisses along her cheekbone, her pace slowing as Olivia reciprocation choked her with emotion. She hadn't realized before how much her own need for physical love and affirmation had driven her to plunge into the bathtub until Olivia's embrace enveloped her. Now, she could hardly bear the thought of letting her go.
"There will be someone for you. Someone you can trust. I promise." Amanda whispered, roughly, into Olivia's flesh, an assurance the woman in her arms and perhaps a reminder to herself; although, maybe, she hadn't truly believed that until this moment.
Olivia nodded, haltingly, and Amanda pressed her face into her neck, her heart pounding in her chest because she wanted to whisper another truth, one she'd been afraid to examine to closely within the past week. She'd ignored every swell of emotion, every tingle of gratification, every ounce of fear of being without her, but she couldn't ignore it now.
Digging her nose into Olivia's collar bone, she clenched her teeth against overwrought tears, scared to lift her head and look into the other woman's eyes. She hadn't said it, but perhaps, it would be too clearly written in her gaze.
The heaving of Olivia's chest had begun to calm, much more quickly than Amanda had anticipated, and as they quietly embraced, she felt Olivia slowly stroke her hair. The comforting motion seemed strange and undeserving when Amanda had burst into this bathroom, expecting to be the savior.
She lifted her head, slowly, ashamed to have collapsed into Olivia's chest upon the pretense of sympathy. She'd leapt into the bathtub to alleviate Olivia's loneliness and fear, but instead she'd come face to face with own.
"I'm...sorry…" She whispered, abruptly, barely meeting Olivia's eyes.
She began to extract her arms, but she felt Olivia's grasp tighten. Finally, she hesitantly glanced up at Olivia's face to find her staring intently back at her, a plea hiding behind her dark eyes.
"Don't go." Olivia whispered, her brow furrowing. "I know I told you to go before, but please...don't."
Amanda's heart tripped against her ribs, and she heard her breath rattle in her ears as Olivia's fingers twisted in her hair. She hovered closer beneath Olivia's insistent grip, and their eyes locked on to each other's, sparse inches apart.
"Kiss me again." Olivia whispered, her voice soft and husky in the aftermath of her violent cries.
Olivia's request sent a shocked shudder rippling through her chest, and she knew it was flashing across her face in vivid display. They'd shared hugs and kisses on the cheek before, but the blatant plea held an undercurrent of something much deeper, and the look in Olivia's eyes made her feel as though she'd read her mind.
"Please." Olivia murmured when Amanda stared back at her silently for several moments. "I want you to…"
Amanda took in a shallow, sharp breath at her request, and the rushing of blood in her head over took even the pounding of the rain outside.
It was Olivia who sat naked and vulnerable in front of her, but despite her sopping clothes, Amanda had never felt so raw and open in life. She felt as if Olivia had finally found her moment of weakness and had torn her straight apart. She'd seen Olivia fall to pieces, but now she was falling - falling hard and fast.
Maybe, if she hadn't been so sleep deprived, or so spiritually ravaged, she might have shored up all of these feeling gushing from her, and shoved them back down inside of her. Maybe, if it had been any other night, she would have concealed herself behind the steel plated emotional armour she always carried, but that now seemed to weigh a thousand pounds, and she had left it just beyond the door of this hotel room.
No, she wasn't a savior tonight. She was just another lonely, damaged woman, aching for a connection - the most honest and sincere she'd ever encountered.
She was trembling as she clasped her hands over Olivia's cheeks once more, and she was sure that Olivia could feel it. But for the first time, she didn't care.
She bent in, her breath quaking against Olivia's jaw, and she heard her release a low sigh, one she interpreted as relief. She pressed her lips, slowly, to Olivia's cheekbone, and this time, the warmth of her flesh sent a flush and tremor through her whole being. Digging her fingers into Olivia's hair, she pressed her forehead into Olivia's temple as she grasped for the final shreds of her composure.
"Don't stop." Olivia whispered, arching her cheek into Amanda's face.
"Liv…." Amanda breathed on the note of a whine, squeezing her eyes shut.
All of her senses were filled with Olivia's aura - the smell of her, the softness of her skin, the taste of her tears - and Amanda could hardly bear the overexposure, yet she couldn't imagine living without it ever again.
She felt emotion choking her throat as she gripped Olivia's hair tighter, and dragged her nose against her cheekbone. Her mouth met Olivia jaw, open mouthed, and she felt the other woman quiver beneath her. In response, her body ached, a secret cavern of need stretching open inside of her - and she knew she couldn't stop now, even if she wanted to.
She kissed her again and again, leaving moist patches of saliva along her jawline while Olivia's fingers quivered and clenched along her shoulders and arms, a silent demand that she not cease until their touch starved bodies were sated. Amanda poured herself out to every inch of flesh she could, shaking as her lips found their way across her cheek and nose and to the other side of her face. She found each tear and subtle tremble, taking them upon her lips with devout fervor.
She only slowed, her heart thundering, when her lips reached the corner of her Olivia's mouth. Against Amanda's cheek, Olivia drew an uneven breath, her fingers clenched around Amanda's arms. She clenched her eyes shut, biting down on her inner cheek as she hoped for some fortitude with which to pass over this temptation.
She could feel them both faltering at the edge of this line, their halting breathes mingling together in the electrical air between them, fraught with both anticipation and uncertainty. Several agonizing moments passed, in which Olivia barely moved and Amanda could hardly think of anything outside of this hotel, even consequences that could be as close as the next room.
"Liv…" She groaned at last, a quiet supplication against the gentle curve at the corner of Olivia's mouth.
Rocking into her, she could feel the threads of logic slipping from her fingers. All she could feel in her hands was Olivia's skin and the softness of her hair.
Breathing unsteadily, she pressed her lips there, to that tiny corner of skin, for several long moments in the agonizing interlude between what this moment was and what it could become.
Olivia's body quivered in response, and Amanda heard her draw a trembling inhale. Her own flesh prickled as the sound, and she fought not to clench the tendrils of Olivia's hair too hard between her fingers. Pressing her forehead against Olivia's, she breathed out, a thready exhale on top of Olivia's. She could feel a stray tear welling in the corner of her eye before slipping quickly down her cheek and plunging into the water below.
"Tell me to stop." She whispered, her voice mangled with emotion and a desire she'd barely managed to hide for a week - from herself and from Olivia.
She forced out the words from whatever part of her still recognized that there were some lines that couldn't be crossed, and shouldn't be. The point of no return was right beneath her feet, and the weak command was a paltry effort to return to the safe side.
Olivia's forehead ground against her own in a downward motion, the first acknowledgment that she was aware of the gravity of the situation; but after a few long seconds, she tilted her face towards Amanda's, and her eyes fluttered open against unshed tears. Their eyes locked once more, but there was neither uncertainty nor hesitation in her gaze. Instead, Amanda was swallowed whole by the acute sorrow and the fear, the unending solitude, which had driven them here.
"Liv…" She began to whisper, but Olivia was already shifting towards her.
The bath water sloshed gently around them, and Olivia cradled one quivering, wet hand to her cheek. Then, like a slow, surreal dream, their lips were aligning, and when Olivia's tear stained mouth crushed her own, she could scarcely breathe. And she didn't know if she'd ever be able to again.