This was instinct, an innately driven impulse to survive. A trail of human carnage lay behind her, wasting away in the bath around her, and Amanda was like a lighthouse upon the shore in her mind. She'd appeared like a beacon, shining across the waters of her distress. Buoyed against her now, she couldn't bear to look back.
She knew, somewhere in the back of her mind, that this moment of weakness would cost her, but she had already made many regretful decisions, and this, the least of them.
Amanda's mouth was the first burst of warmth she'd felt that night and the first in a long string of excruciating days which lay behind her. She clung to that feeling with what little strength remained in her trembling hands, unable to resist when the emptiness of the hospital and of this hotel room had nearly swallowed whole her broken, quaking soul. She was gasping for this tender touch because only minutes ago she'd wanted to slip beneath the water's surface, and breathe in until she couldn't anymore. Now, the taste of her was upon her lips rather than the insipid bath water, and she knew that she would willingly pay the price for whatever happened here tonight.
Consequences be damned. She needed her like she needed oxygen to breathe. She needed her to survive this night and the daunting ones that lay ahead. For days, she'd been afraid to blatantly admit the extent of their sudden connection, and still it was too much to say aloud. What words could not speak into the charged air between them, their bodies now impetuously screamed.
Amanda's fingers were clenched in her hair, and she could feel the tremors rippling across her body. She was rigid at first in shock, though with their mouths poised together, Olivia could sense her slowly crumbling. Her heartbeat slammed against her ribs, an overwhelming rush of emotion to sting her numbed nerve endings. She'd seen the look in Amanda's glistening, blue eyes, a passion that shook her to her core, and with their bodies crushed close, she prayed that she wouldn't pull away. She'd already asked so much of her…
A soft, low moan vibrated in Amanda's chest, a conflicted sound as she broke from her frozen posture, her mouth parting to deepen the kiss. She leaned into her, sucking down on Olivia's lower lip. Olivia gasped a choked breath as Amanda let her flesh slip from between her teeth only to capture it again in a fierce kiss. She felt shattered already beneath Amanda's fervent touch, and when Amanda pushed into her, pressing her against the cold, wet tile, she could hardly draw a breath.
Panting heavily, Amanda switched to quick, heavy kisses across Olivia's throbbing mouth as though she was desperate to impart her touch to every centimeter of flesh that she could. Olivia whimpered, weakly grasping Amanda's waist as her body sang with sudden feeling. Her chest expanded sharply with each kiss, the tender emotion so sweet that it almost turned sharp.
Tears burned behind her fluttering lids as Amanda spread her palm down her cheek and neck, then drew her thumb along her jaw.
She finally paused, dragging her forehead against Olivia's. Their mouths were a scarce inch apart and with a soft groan, Olivia tilted her chin as a silent plea.
"Jesus, wait…" Amanda whispered in a rough, halting tone, her fingers clenching down on her jaw.
Olivia panted, tentatively running her tongue over her throbbing lip. Her head spun with the seesawing of her emotions, and she stared dazed at Amanda's conflicted expression. She knew what she was asking of the woman in front of her, and how selfish it was to pull her even further into her inner turmoil, yet not a single fiber in her whole body could convince her to desist.
"Fuck…" Amanda murmured, almost too quiet to hear.
Her eyes were closed, her mouth and chin trembling with emotion as she sank down in the water between Olivia's thighs. Clenching her teeth against tears, Olivia tilted her head back against the tile, and wrestled with the ache of rejection that she knew would come. She understood that Amanda was struggling to do what was right, and if she'd been on the outside looking in, she would've morally backed her, but she wasn't on the outside. She was here, in the bathtub, in the arms of the only person who gave her some small bit of will to live.
A long, silent minute passed in which the devastation cracked through Olivia's chest bone, chasing away with acidic ferocity the bloom of warmth which had grown there. She focused hard on cigarette smoke stains at the curling edges of the wallpaper, and tried desperately not to cry into Amanda's golden hair.
At last, Amanda sat back, unsteadily holding Olivia's shoulders at arm's length. She hardly met Olivia's gaze, her chest rising and falling unevenly.
"I don't think-" She began, roughly, her voice catching.
She cleared her throat and said in stronger, guarded tone, "Let's get you out of here."
She rose, suddenly, her hands slipping away. The water sloshed around, and began to escape from her clothing in thick rivulets. Olivia watched her, blinking hard against miserable tears as Amanda leaned over the edge of the tub to grab a towel from the rack. When she turned back towards Olivia and held out her hand to help her up, she caught sight the the tears silently slipping down her cheeks.
"Liv…" She whispered, her expression flinching with what Olivia could make out as pity.
Unable to look at her any longer, Olivia clasped her hands over her face, swallowing hard against the knot in her throat. She heard the water splashing around her as Amanda sank back down in front of her. When Amanda's arms wrapped around her shoulders, she finally broke. Her body shuddered with tears, and she choked over a sob as Amanda slowly rubbed her back.
She hushed her, softly, kissing the top of her head in what felt like a useless apology.
"I can't take advantage of you like this." Amanda whispered at last into her hair. "You and I both know that."
Olivia bit her lip, forcing back the tears from her tongue as Amanda massaged her back in a gentle motion.
She'd been a cop for twenty years, a sex crimes detective for fourteen, and she knew better than maybe even Amanda why she had stopped. She knew, but that part of her was beyond her reach. Here in this hotel she wasn't a cop or a detective - only a woman, a victim, and a pathetic excuse for a survivor - and she'd fallen for the oldest coping mechanism in the book of recovery.
No one could save her. She had to save herself. This she knew too, but for the first time in the history of her trauma, she didn't want to.
xxxxx
Bang! Bang! Bang!
The sound of a fist banging on the decrepit hotel door jarred Amanda out of a fitful sleep which had been neither restful nor peaceful. When she opened her dry, aching eyes, the first rays of the morning sun burned her retinas, and she rolled over into a sitting position, groaning as the pounding came again.
"Hold on!" She snapped, tossing the covers back.
She caught a glimpse of Olivia's sleeping figure in the bed next to her, the sheets nearly covering her entire face. Even in her sleep, her brow was slightly furrowed, and Amanda felt a pang of regret and indecision go through her chest.
More than anything she had wanted to scoop Olivia from the bathtub and kiss her until her tears stopped, but she had realized how unfair the entire situation was to both of them. The kiss had evolved out of loneliness and desperation rather than mutual love and respect, and if she had continued, she knew the guilt would eventually follow. Although she knew Olivia, she wasn't unlike any other survivor that Amanda had interacted with. Offering false hopes of love would only lead to more heartache and pain, and that was the last thing that Olivia needed.
Putting aside thoughts of her own feelings, Amanda pushed herself out of the bed, and glanced at the clock on the side table. 6 am. She'd hardly been asleep for two hours, and exhaustion riddled her body. The last thing she wanted to do was get up and answer the door to whoever it might be.
Stumbling towards the door, she cinched the hotel bathrobe tighter around her waist. She'd requested two of them from the front desk after managing to get them both out of the bathtub, and it was not the most comfortable nor the most modest. Holding the lapels together at her neck, she stood on her tiptoes to look through the peephole.
She'd been expected housekeeping or perhaps management, but her stomach dropped when she saw Brian on the other side of the door, his expression etched with concern.
"Fuck." She whispered, twisting the deadbolt open.
She hadn't thought to contact him last night. Once they'd gotten dry and dressed, all she had wanted was to lie down and sleep. She'd been awake for nearly twenty four hours and the day's physical and emotional exertion had zapped her of the last of her energy. Now, she realized that Brian must have come home to an empty apartment, and panicked.
Swinging the door open, she arranged her face to an even expression.
"Brian." She said as they came face to face.
His eyes widened at the sight of her, his brow wrinkling quickly with confusion.
"Amanda?" He exclaimed, shock and indignation riddling his tone. "What the hell? I called you at least twenty fucking times last night."
"God, I know, I'm sorry, I completely didn't even think…."
Her voice trailed away as his gaze slowed upon her. His strained eyes flicked frantically up and down the bathrobe, then towards the inside of the room in search of Olivia. She could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he fit together the pieces of this strange puzzle.
"Where's Liv?" He asked in a quieter tone
"In bed. She's asleep." Amanda murmured, stepping aside to allow him entrance.
He raked his eyes across her body and face again as he slowly stepped past her. She could see the distrust tightening his shoulders as he stepped towards the bed where Olivia slept, unaware. He stood at the end of the bed for a long, silent moment, and although she couldn't see his face, she could feel the animosity rolling off of him in waves.
"You didn't answer me." He finally said in a low tone. "Why didn't you pick up the damn phone?"
"It must have died." She replied, her throat tight, as she closed the door. "I'm really sorry."
"I came home and she was gone, Rollins." He snapped, spinning towards her. "I spent half the night looking for her, and you couldn't answer the fucking phone?"
Amanda clenched her teeth against the urge to retaliate, but she knew it would only make him more suspicious of her behavior and presence here. He'd crossed her mind last night when she'd kissed Olivia, but the possibility of him finding out had been slim. Now, it was staring her in the face, and she struggled to come up with some explanation which would soothe his racing mind.
"Come with me. Now." He ordered, marching towards the bathroom.
She had no desire to go into a small, enclosed space with him, especially the site of their transgression, but casting a glance towards Olivia, she decided she'd rather take the heat than have him question Olivia.
"Fine." She said, her voice emitting in a low, strangled tone.
Pushing away from the door, she followed him into the bathroom. When she stepped inside, he shut the door behind her, and leaned against it, the other hand poised on his hip. He was silent for one, excruciating moment, before he pinned her with an acrimonious glare.
"What is this, Rollins?" He asked.
His voice was quiet enough, but his tone bordered on anger and mistrust. They'd never had the most amiable of relationships, and she sure as hell hadn't given him a reason to trust her judgment now.
She licked her dry lips, glancing towards her and Olivia's clothing littering the bathroom floor. The shirts and pants stared back at her like damning evidence, and she hardly wanted to imagine what their bras and panties lying amongst them meant to Brian.
"Answer me." Brian ground out.
"She called me." Amanda finally replied, tossing a narrowed gaze back at him. "I came here, and she was in the bathtub."
"And somehow you ended up naked as well?!" Brian demanded, his voice rising to a shout.
He slammed the side of his fist into the door with the rushed release of anger, causing her to jump. She could see the veins throbbing in his neck and forehead, and his jaw ground as he stared at her with a burning, demanding gaze.
"Please, tell me this is not what it looks like." He breathed, his expression twisted with disgust.
"I did not sleep with Olivia if that's what you think." She whispered, offering him what truth she could as her stomach turned.
"What I think?" He demanded. "You're unbelievable. First, you try to tell me I don't have what it takes to help her through this, and now you insert yourself into her life! I don't gotta think very hard about that. And if what you just said is not the fucking truth...?"
"It's the truth." She replied, rigidly to his threatening tone. "I promise."
They stared at each other, his hazel green eyes slicing into her as he scrounged for the lie hiding in her gaze. A part of her wanted to burst out the truth of the kiss, spit at him that he didn't have the dedication or understanding it took to be Olivia's partner, not now and perhaps not ever. Half of her even wanted to tell him that it was Olivia, not her, who had initiated the kiss, but she clenched her teeth, prepared to take what verbal lashing came down upon her.
"I'm gonna tell you this once." Brian whispered at last, "Stay the fuck away from my girlfriend."
Amanda's chest flared in anger, and she clenched her hand into fists at her sides, using every bit of strength she had not snap back at him.
"You can't tell her not to see me." She replied in a whisper.
"You know what I mean." He hissed, stabbing a finger at her, "Just stay in your lane. I can handle this."
He shot her one last, threatening look before he grabbed the doorknob and yanked the door open. The handle bounced off the wall before swinging slowly closed again, leaving her alone inside of the bathroom.
She released a low, trembling breath, and reached back to grab the counter as she unsteadily sank back against the cabinets. Her heart was racing so hard that she felt her fingertips tingling, and she tilted her head back, attempting to breathe evenly. She hadn't expected Brian to physically hurt her, but she knew that if he found out what really had happened it would only bring Olivia more stress and anxiety. She couldn't be responsible for Liv losing anyone else in her life, whether she liked him or not.
She couldn't truly be angry at Brian either for the conclusions he had drawn because somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew where the night would've ended had she not found some semblance of self control. She'd rushed headfirst into her and Olivia's relationship, disregarding all the barriers and safeguards she'd built in order to protect herself. Now, in one night she'd not only almost slept with a friend and a victim, but also nearly killed a man for her.
xxxxx
The hotel mattress was hard and lumpy, the sheets worn and scratchy against her bare legs but she hardly noticed. She lay on her side, watching the bathroom door, her heart pounding against her chest.
She could hear Brian's and Amanda's voices inside, hushed but strained. They didn't want to wake her. Neither of them wanted her to hear the spiteful words being exchanged. She didn't need to be in the bathroom with them to know that was the tenor of the conversation.
She knew that it was now that reality should set in. Brian wasn't stupid. He'd spent just as much time as she had in law enforcement, and despite his position now, the detective had never left him. He would chip away at the evidence until the entire night spiraled out in front of him as clear and concise as if he'd been there.
She'd told herself she'd find some excuse tomorrow, but how could she possibly face her behavior now, when Amanda and Brian were just on the other side of the door, debating the nature of their evening here? She had no excuses now, and she hadn't even looked him in the eye.
A wash of panic clenched her chest, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She hadn't thought of Brian, and she tried desperately not to think of him now as she remembered the engulfing sense of safety and love she'd felt when Amanda had sunk into the water next to her. Amanda's stalwart embrace had yet to fail, even on the most horrendous night, when it felt as if the entire world had abandoned her. Glancing into her glittering, cerulean eyes in that desperate moment had broken the last of her defenses.
Maybe, she hadn't needed the coaxing of Amanda's hands on her face and body, but she wanted to blame them for her collapse. God, she needed something to explain how nothing else had mattered when Amanda's mouth had captured her own in the most rapturous kiss she'd ever experienced. The other woman had taken control of her body, painting her lips in slow swipes and long suckles until she was bursting inside, begging for it not to end. The world had consisted of them, and them alone, beyond the grasp of memories of Lewis and the ever present turmoil inside her head. It had been the first time she'd felt since the beach house, and she'd suddenly been reeling with an emotion that wasn't linked to the abduction and subsequent torture. She'd been free.
How could she be guilty for those moments of relief? Yet how could she not?
A shiver washed over her body, and she sucked in a trembling breath between clenched teeth. Alone in the bed, she could already sense the same emptiness encroaching upon her once more, an almost physical, cold ache to chase away the warmth of from her chest.
Suddenly, Brian's voice rose from the other side of the door, causing her heart to leap in her chest. She flinched, squeezing her eyes shut as she heard his fist hit the door. Immediate tears burned behind her lids, and clenched her fingers around sections of the comforter, burying her head beneath the sheets. She was appalled that Amanda was receiving the brunt of his displeasure, and it only made her feel even more guilty knowing that Amanda would rather take it than rightfully blame her.
The exchange lasted for only a few more moments before the sound of the bathroom door opening caused her to jump She dragged the sheets tighter over her head as she heard Brian's heavy footfalls. She sensed him coming to stand next to her, and heard him release a heavy sigh.
She swallowed hard, struggling not to cry. He would know she heard the argument if she lifted her head from the sheets with watery eyes and a runny nose.
"Liv…" She heard him murmur before sinking to the bed next to her.
He touched her shoulder, and she should could feel the tension radiating from his body.
"Come on, I'm gonna take you home." He said in a quiet, rigid tone.
She scrubbed the sheets against her eyes, and slowly began to turn over. She rolled onto her back, and the sheets shifted away from her face. She blinked hard against the light as Brian's face came into view above her.
"I-I'm sorry…" She whispered in a halting tone.
He nodded slowly, his brow furrowed deeply. She reached out and clutched his hand, praying she'd find some warmth within his grasp.
"Let's just get you out of here." Brian replied, his hand slipping from her grasp as he rose from the bed.
Her chest ached at his distant demanor, but she sat up slowly from the bed.
He'd showed no signs of having discovered their kiss, but as he helped her out of the bed, the guilt ate slowly at her stomach. He deserved the truth. If the situation had been flipped and she found herself in Brian's shoes, all she would want was honesty. They'd always been able to give each other that, and if she couldn't now, she feared that maybe this really would be the end.