In the light of day, the hotel room seemed much less like a safe hideaway and more like a trap. The robe hugging her body seemed like a confession of its own as she sat up in the bed, and the sheets fell away. Brian's hand was on her elbow, assisting her in getting up, and she could feel his fingers tighten at the sight of the low plunging neckline.
"My clothes are in the bathroom." She murmured, pulling away from him. "I'll go put them on."
He released her without a word, and with her head down, she strode quickly towards the bathroom. She slowed as she reached the door which was slightly ajar, allowing her to see a sliver of the room. Just beyond the threshold, Amanda leaned against the counter, her head tilted back. She stared off towards the ceiling, blinking quickly, her expression conflicted and confused.
Olivia cringed with guilt at the sight of her. It was her fault that Amanda was even in this situation, caught between her and Brian. She'd left Brian's apartment in the middle of the night, and called her here, kissed her without considering the consequences. Amanda had sworn not to take advantage of her, but Olivia felt as if she were the one who had taken advantage of Amanda.
Pushing back the tears that were quick to sting her eyes, she lifted her head, and reached out to open the door further.
"Amanda…" She murmured.
Amanda glanced over at her quickly, their eyes locking for a moment with raw emotion, before Amanda ducked her head. Olivia could see the walls coming back up almost as if they were physical brick and mortar, and it hurt more than she had imagined after the intimacy of their night together. Pushing away from the counter, her shoulders taut, Amanda flicked her bangs out of her eyes and met Olivia's gaze once more. Her blue eyes were iced over, her jaw clenched to hide the tremor that would surely take over her mouth.
"Don't worry." She said, her tone flat. "I didn't tell him anything."
"Th-that's not what I came for." Olivia whispered, easing the door shut behind her.
She stood against it for a moment, hesitating to simply take her clothes and leave. Amanda's detached attitude frightened her, almost more than Brian's anger, and she realized that she had little idea of how Amanda handled personal conflicts. She'd known Brian for almost fourteen years, but with Amanda, she had no insight as to how long this frosted exterior would last or if she would ever see behind it again. She'd just begun to understand what she would lose should their relationship crumbled, and it was disconcerting to think that she was more terrified of living without Amanda than without Brian.
"I came to get my clothes." She said at last when Amanda didn't reply and the implications of her silence became too much to contemplate.
Amanda glanced over at the floor where their clothing lay in two piles, haphazardly tossed to the floor in rough moments of distress and passion. Olivia had been at the peak of panic and loneliness last night, but staring at the aftermath, a part of her almost wished to be in the bathtub again, rocking in the water against Amanda's gentle, yet strong, unwavering frame.
"Here." Amanda said, bending to gather Olivia's clothes in a rumpled lump. "I'll let you get dressed."
She held out the pile to Olivia, barely meeting her eyes as she waited for her to take it from her.
Olivia stared at her - her tangled, disheveled, blonde hair, her cheeks flushed with emotion, her shimmering, arctic eyes and soft mouth - a thousand different versions of an apology exploding in her mind. None of them seemed adequate. None of them were enough to say that Amanda had saved her life for what felt like the hundredth time and all she had to offer in return were Brian's threats and her own abysmal tears.
"Amanda…" Olivia whispered, haltingly at last, blinking quickly against insistent tears.
"Just call me if you need anything...okay?" Amanda cut her off, as if she knew what Olivia wanted to say.
She pressed the clothes into Olivia's arms, finally meeting her eyes again. The hints of warmth in her gaze were a small reassurance to Olivia's racing mind, but the interaction hardly lasted long enough for her to hold onto it. In the next moment, Amanda was slipping out the bathroom door, leaving her alone inside the room filled with memories both bitter and sweet.
Tears welled in her eyes as she set her clothes down on the counter, and slowly began to take off the robe. It slipped off her arms, and she flinched at the sight of the marks Lewis had left on her. She hadn't thought of them last night when Amanda had held her, trembling with fiery passion and desire; now she hated the sight her body. With trembling hands, she riffled through the clothing, pulling out each piece and quickly covering herself.
Finally, she glanced up at the mirror, smoothing the shirt over her chest and stomach. Ensuring that the neckline covered the burns, she dashed the tears from beneath her eyes, and tried to gather the strength to face Brian and the world.
xxxxx
An uncomfortable, tense silence filled the car, save for the humming of the wheels on the road and the intermittent clicking of the turn signal.
Olivia sat in the passenger's seat, her hands clutched tightly together as she stared out at the passing landscape. Her throat was knotted with emotion that she refused to spill into the uninviting quiet, and her mind spun with worst case scenarios and manageable courses of action. None of it made sense nor quelled the anxiety rolling in her stomach.
Brian hadn't spoken so much as a word since they had left the hotel.
She knew how it appeared to him. She knew what he must be thinking, and when she looked into his pained expression, she wanted to swear that her actions had been nothing but a desperate, manic attempt to escape the cold hand of loneliness which had gripped her. But as they pulled away from the hotel, she found herself peering into the rearview mirror, hoping for one last glance of Amanda's figure above.
They'd kissed for barely a moment, but in her heart, it felt like more. She'd certainly never had such intense feelings when kissing the man she professed to love. Riding next to him in this punishing, cold silence, she wondered if she ever would.
Sliding her hand over her eyes, she pressed her thumb and forefinger to her tear ducts, masking the tears which wanted to escape. Some part of her wanted to reach out to him with a justifiable explanation because she cared for him, while the other part of her wanted to scream the truth, that sometimes even loving someone isn't enough. The truth that she'd felt unimportant to him for some time now. The truth that she couldn't open her heart to him, and maybe she never had. The truth that she had ignored all of this for the sake of his feelings and her own damn loneliness.
The minutes stretched on, the silence building up to a roaring buzz of white noise in her ears, punctuated by the pounding bass of her heart. She was so engulfed in the racing of her own mind that she did not realize the car had come to a stop.
"Liv." Brian's voice shattered through the cacophony in her head.
"Wh-what?"
She lifted her head quickly, wiping at her cheeks. She was startled to see the parking garage around her and the apartment building in the rearview mirror.
"Oh." She murmured, ducking her head to unlatch her seatbelt.
Next to her, Brian was already exiting the car. He slammed the door shut behind him, and she closed her eyes for half a second, trying ignore the dull ache in her chest at his anger.
She heard Brian open her door for her, and she quickly threw her seatbelt over her shoulder, and slid out of the car. His infuriated pace was far quicker than her slow agonized one, and he was already closing her door and marching towards the apartment by the time she was able to rearrange her expression and lift her head.
She released a low sigh before pushing ahead. She quickened her gait, jogging to catch up to him. He held open the door for her once they reached the building, but his face was rigid and stoic, his eyes focused off into the distance. She passed him, murmuring a thank you, and they began to ascend the stairs. Each step upwards wearied her body and her heart until she felt so heavy with despair that she wanted to collapse.
When they reached Brian's apartment, he unlocked the door, and she followed him inside, her eyes focused on the floor which blurred in front of her. Now that they were alone, without the distraction of driving, she didn't know what he would say or if he would say anything at all. She didn't know how she would ever be able to tell him the thoughts swirling through her mind.
Unable to stand the physical exertion of being upright any longer, she sank to the couch. Leaning her head back against the cushions, she pressed her eyes shut against burning tears, and swallowed back tears.
"Well, I don't know about you," Brian said, stiffly, from behind her, "but I'm going to bed."
She heard his footsteps shuffle towards the bedroom, and she bit down hard on her inner cheek. He didn't even want to try to understand why she had left the apartment and gone to Amanda. She didn't know if he would listen to some version of the truth, but his cold indifference hurt more than perhaps his anger.
"Brian, wait." She burst out, pushing up from the couch.
He paused in the hall, his shoulder tight, hands curled at his sides.
"You won't even try to hear me out?" She asked, wrapping her arms tightly around her quaking midsection.
"Olivia," He said in a low, exasperated tone, "I just spent the entire night wondering where you were, and if you were okay."
"I know that, but-" She began only to be cut off as he spun around, his eyes blazing
"No, I don't think you do." He snapped. "For four days I wondered if you were dead or alive! I wondered what he was doing to you! Raping you? Torturing you? Why the hell would you do this to me of your own accord?"
He stared at her with a questioning glare, but she couldn't come up with a response. She didn't know how to explain to him her state of mind or where to even begin with the train of thought which had led her to the hospital then the hotel - and she doubted he wanted to hear it. All he could see were his own fears, and she realized all over again how little time they'd actually spent communicating their feelings to each other.
Now, he stood over her, demanding she be logical, as if logic had chased her from this apartment. He had no intentions of letting her explain herself, but rather of proving a point.
"Nothing?" Brian asked, his tone indignant and outraged when she stared back at him silently. "You had me all over New York City, losing my mind, and then, I come to find out that you're not only safe, but you've also decided to sleep in someone else's bed? And a woman no less."
Every venomous word stung her until she couldn't take the disgust in his voice any longer.
"Nothing happened, Brian!" She finally burst out, breaking from her frozen stance by the couch, and rushing towards him.
"I don't believe that." He replied, stiffly.
She flinched against burning tears in her eyes, as she slowed two feet from him. It may as well have been miles. She lowered her outstretched hands, her fingers working into fists at her sides.
They'd always trusted each other. She'd trusted him against all odds, when the cards were stacked against him. Furthermore, he'd expected her to, without hesitation. Staring at his guarded expression now, she felt anger flaring in her chest.
"Oh, because you've always been above reproach...right?" She whispered, tilting her head with a watery glare.
She watched his eyes flicker, a flush of color crawling up his cheeks.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" He whispered, his tone biting. "You're bringing that up?"
"Why shouldn't I?" She snapped, her voice rising.
"I sat next to Nick in a squad car listening to you moan to another woman!"
"Oh my God, I told you that wasn't real!" Brian retorted, motioning angrily.
"You asked me to believe you, and I did." She breathed, "And I'm telling you now that nothing happened, Brian, but you won't believe me!"
"That's not the same thing, Liv." He said, astonished, "I was working."
"Why is it not the same? Because I needed someone to care about me? Because I wanted someone to understand the pain I was in?"
"I have asked you over and over and over again to come to me, and all you do is run away!" Brian exclaimed, his tone nearly rising to a shout. "I saw the way you look at her, Olivia! This isn't nothing."
She could see the first gloss of emotion in his eyes and her chest clenched with a pang of guilt, and she paced away, covering her face with her hands. Sinking back down on the couch, she leaned on her knees, swallowing back tears.
She was tired of crying; tired of feeling horrible for the things she'd done just to have a second of peace, and it was clear that Brian had little comprehension of that. He didn't know what to do when they couldn't ignore their problems for a night on the town, or when they couldn't drown them in sweet wine and pleasure. His offers of desire and love making would fall strangely on her ears now, grossly inadequate and abhorrent.
She heard his footsteps draw near, and she opened her eyes to gaze down at shoes through her fingers. He sank down in front of her and she felt him hesitantly take her wrists.
"Just tell me the truth." He said, in a quieter, but insistent tone.
She blinked away the tears from her lashes, ducking her head further into her hands as she whispered, haltingly "I can't tell you what he did to me, Bri."
She felt his fingers squeeze around her wrists as he released an unsteady sigh.
She knew he wanted the truth about the hotel room, but listening to his quiet uncertainty she realized again why she'd found solace in Amanda's arms rather than his. With Brian, she'd always tried to act as if the traumas of her past didn't haunt her every day, and he had done the same, avoiding every deep, excruciating topic with a shrug and a smile. He'd never truly opened up to her, and now she couldn't imagine spilling her every dark and twisted secret to him, much less tell him that the sense of safety she felt with Amanda was more than she'd ever felt with him.
"Liv…" He murmured, slipping his fingers up into her palms and tugging them away from her face.
Her watery eyes met his conflicted ones, and she could hardly stand it.
"I can't tell you the nightmares or the flashbacks. I can't tell you the things he said or way he touched me..." She whispered through tears.
"But you can tell her?" Brian questioned, his whisper sharpening to a painful edge.
The question prodded her heart, piercing into her with the weight of her indiscretion. She lowered her head, staring down at the floor between them as Brian seemed to reel in silence for several long moments.
"Was that it?" He finally asked, his voice guarded and rigid.
"Was what it?" Olivia whispered, glancing up at his dark, veiled expression.
"Talking. Is that all you did?"
Olivia pursed her lips against tears as her stomach twisted at his question. She'd promised herself that she would tell him the truth of the kiss, but those words held much more weight now, in the light of their argument. She couldn't paint it as a moment of weakness in which she'd been swept away in emotional pain, not when, in this very minute, she wanted nothing more than to be in Amanda's arms.
Finally, she ducked her head, unable to look at him any longer. The motion in and of itself was an admission of guilt. They'd known each other far too long to pretend otherwise.
"God," Brian murmured through clenched teeth, his fingers tightened around hers. "I knew there was more…"
She sank down further against her knees, a sob creeping up her throat. Her forehead pressed into their clasped hands, and she shivered, her body screaming to release the emotion pent up inside of her. Instead, choked whimpers pushed up her tongue, escaping her lips in a whine.
"Did you sleep with her?" Brian asked, stiffly, when she failed to answer in words.
She shook her head slowly against his knuckles, her breath shuddering in uneven sniffles and pants as she tried to swallow the emotion back down her throat.
"Did she touch you at all?" Brian questioned.
Olivia squeezed her eyes shut, biting at her lower lip as she tried to force the words up to her tongue. She couldn't say no when her body still burned where Amanda's hands had clenched her naked flesh, not when every fiber of her being had yearned for more and more and more.
"Jesus, Liv," Brian uttered, his tone gutted with desperation. "Just tell me."
"I…" She stuttered in a groan, digging her head into his hands as quick tears fled down her nose and cheeks.
"You what?" Brian coaxed.
"I kissed her…." She whimpered, her voice barely audible.
Brian's hands stiffened in her grasp, and she felt her heart pound harder in chest, her stomach turning.
"That's not nothing, Liv." He whispered, pulling his hands away from her grasp.
He rose quickly from the floor, and she finally lifted her head, clasping her hands over her nose and mouth as sobs rushed up her chest. She watched him pace away again, choking out cries into her palms.
He walked to the window, running his fingers through his hair, his posture tense and unforgiving. For a long moment, he stood with his hands clenched in his hair, a nearly indistinct tremor working it's way through his body. She knew he wanted to turn and fling at her every raging, burning word which ran through his mind, but he would spare her because of Lewis. Knowing this silence spoke his pity, she almost wanted to beg that he burst forth with his anger.
He'd asked the truth of her, and she wanted the same, but neither had gotten what they wanted from each other, and maybe they never would.