She could take a lot of things. She'd been screamed at plenty of times before, called names that even a crass man like Brian would cringe at. She'd been raped and assaulted, punched in the face more times than she could count, and maybe it would've been easier if Brian had hit her. Maybe, it would have given her something more tangible to be angry at, something simpler to cry over. No one would blame her for shedding a few tears about a broken nose. No one would blame her for it happening.

Pulling away from the hotel with silent tears slipping down her cheeks, however, she knew that the blame for everything that had happened last night rested solely on her shoulders. She'd sworn not to take advantage of Olivia, but reeling in the aftermath of her purposeful confrontation with Lewis, she had. And for a moment, the sweetness of Olivia's mouth had covered the sin of her murderous thoughts in a sugary, yet temporary balm, but the sun had risen now, chasing away the shadows in which they had hidden together.

She could hide the truth of her transgressions from Brian, and even from Olivia, but she couldn't hide them from herself. She had crafted the plan to break into Lewis's room with naught but her conscious to hold her back from taking the life of man who had taken so much. She'd climbed into a bathtub with a naked woman of her own accord, held her and kissed her knowing full well the extent of her committed relationship. She'd had more than enough willpower to stop any number of the ill conceived events that had played out, and she hadn't. She'd let it all happen. Rather, she wished them all into existence, and now they swam through her mind like a taunt, the satisfaction of those memories souring in the bitter light of day.

She could take a lot of things, but in her heart of hearts, she could hardly take this dawn of understanding.

The morning sun spread across New York City ahead, searing her blurry, tear filled eyes as she clenched the wheel tightly in her trembling hands. She drove on autopilot, unable to blank out the image of Lewis's face from her mind, the sound of his laughter. He hadn't planned to destroy them both, but maybe Amanda had done it for him.

Amanda sucked down hard on her lower, fighting not to shatter completely.

She'd been a fool, toying with death as if she were some kind of vengeful vigilante, righting the wrongs that had been done to Olivia. She'd been even more of a fool to think that just as a superhero in a comic book would win the heart of the distressed maiden that she too could win a piece of Olivia's heart.

Olivia wasn't going to leave Brian. She wouldn't destroy the only constant in her life when the rest of it was crumbling around her, but, oh, how Amanda had wanted to be that rock for her to hold onto. It was a naive and selfish fantasy to expect Olivia to exchange a fourteen year relationship and friendship for a five day old one, and yet the realization that it would never happen hurt more than Amanda had ever anticipated.

She'd left the hotel with nothing but the ghost of a fleeting kiss and the gnawing dread of guilt at the inhumanity of her actions. How could she possibly walk into the SVU precinct today, and face anyone with the truth of her midnight indiscretions hiding just behind her eyes?

The traffic slowed for a stop light, and Amanda sank down against the wheel, panting as she tried once more to contain the emotion bursting from inside her. Staring at dashboard, another wave hit her as she thought that she'd never felt so close to another human being as she had last night, and she didn't know if or when that feeling might ever happen again.

Tears slipped down her cheeks, free falling to her lap as she gasped against sudden sobs. She hunched over further, her shoulders shuddering as the last her mental strength dissolved.

Beep!

She jolted at the sound of the car behind her blasting it's horn. She glanced up to see the light blaring green through the shimmering of tears in her eyes. She wiped the back of her hand quickly across her face, struggling to perform basic motor vehicle operations. She cursed as the impatient driver beeped at her again, then sped past her with a squeal of tires.

"Yeah, fuck you too." She snapped at the disappearing car before stomping on the gas.

The truck lurched under her, and she clamped fingers harder around the wheel. Fighting back tears, she managed to navigate the city streets until finally, her apartment building emerged ahead of her. By the time she pulled into her parking space, she had managed to contain the tears slipping from her eyes, and as she slipped down from the truck, she could feel the numbness beginning in her chest. She wandered towards the building, her head down. She blinked away the stray tears clinging to her lashes as she let herself in, and made her way up to her apartment.

The sun was shining through the front window when she entered, and with a scowl, she flipped the blinds closed. She headed to the bedroom, and repeated the same process, plunging the room into a half lit dimness that suited her foul mood.

She kicked off her pants, and collapsed to the bed, too exhausted to do anything else. Sinking into the mattress, she closed her eyes, and reached for the sleep that was so close and yet so far away. It seemed like hours that her brain turned with the night's damning events, but only sparse minutes had passed before her body succumbed to fitful unconsciousness.

She only awoke again when the sound of her phone vibrating with notifications startled her from sleep. The device was still stuffed her hoodie pocket, and she rolled over with a groan, fumbling to retrieve it. Her eyes were bleary and heavy as she lifted it up in front of her face with a frown.

She had already expected confused phone calls from Cragen, Nick, and Fin, and some part of her fully planned on ignoring them, but when she unlocked the screen, a different number flashed in front of her eyes. For several long moments, she stared at the screen, blinking quickly as fog began to clear from her mind.

The photo attachment was dark, but even through the low resolution of Bellevue's security camera, the screenshot clearly resembled her figure just outside of Lewis's door.

She could hear her heart slamming against her ribs as the message below the picture cemented the betrayal into her mind.

Now we both owe each other.

Her stomach turned sharply, and she sat up from the bed so quickly that her head spun. Panicked tears were rushing to her eyes as she stood from the bed, clutching her hair in one hand and her phone in the other. She couldn't stop staring at the damning photo as her breathing rushed raspily in her ears, and a dozen different scenarios played through her mind. None of them ended well.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" She whispered, pacing away from the bed.

She felt like even more of a fool now for having trusted James, a chronic cheater and a pedophile. Her grip on his balls had slipped in the midst of her plan of revenge, and now he had her red-handed. His tendencies were but a he said-she said, yet this photo could bring her entire career crashing to the ground.

She startled with a gasp when her phone suddenly began to vibrate in her hand, and an incoming call from Captain Cragen popped up on top of the horrifying picture.

"Fuck." She cursed once more, staring at the jangling device.

He'd already cautioned her once not to become so emotionally involved with Olivia, and if he had any more suspicions she would be done. She'd never been good at lying to him, and he'd never been good at putting up with her bullshit.

She vacillated over answering the call until finally it went to voicemail. She knew how being late to work and not answering the phone would look, but she couldn't handle talking to Cragen at the moment.

Tossing the phone to the bed, she went to the closet, her hands trembling as she flipped through the hangers. All the while her mind churned out several different excuses for her absence, but in her distress, none of them sounded good enough. The truth of her nighttime activities haunted each thought which entered mind.

Finally she managed to choose a presentable outfit for work, and she was buttoning up the faded jean shirt when her phone began to ring again on the bed.

"Damnit." She muttered, snatching it up from the sheets.

She ground her teeth in irritation when she saw Nick's name instead of Cragen's on the screen. The last thing she needed was Olivia's overprotective partner taking things to the next level of extreme. If she didn't answer the call, she could place any bet she wanted on Nick showing up at her apartment in a matter of minutes, and she would win.

Stabbing the answer button, she lifted the phone to her ear, and attempted smooth out the panic from her tone.

"Hello?"

"Amanda, it's Nick." Nick greeted her, and she could already the prying tone in his voice. "You good?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry I just overslept." She stuttered out, as she strode from the bedroom to the living room where she had discarded her boots.

"You sure?" Nick pressed.

"Yes, I'm sure." She replied, her response coming out far more irritated than she had meant it to.

Balancing the phone between her cheek and shoulder, she bent to tug the boots onto her heels.

"Okay, I'm just checking. We're all on edge after…." Nick's voice trailed away, but she knew what he was hinting at.

Straightening, she closed her eyes against the throb of distant tears. She, perhaps more than anyone, understood, but the rest of the squad could never know any of what had occurred last night.

Opening her eyes, she forced a lighter tone. "I promise I haven't been kidnapped."

She hoped he would take it as a joke rather than a diversion from the much more horrible truth. No, Lewis hadn't taken her, but she had nearly taken him and his life. The fact that she could have emerged from his room a murderer settled in her veins once more, turning her stomach.

"All right, fine." Nick said, stiffly, not a hint of humor in his tone. "Just answer the phone next time, okay?"

"I will." She said, quietly, surrendering to his badgering.

The line clicked in her ear, and she lowered the phone with a low sigh. The screen flipped back to James's messages and she swallowed hard against a knot of emotion in her throat. She had no plan, and Nick's nagging only made the anxiety swell higher in her chest. She wouldn't be able to hide her discomfort from the captain or her fellow officers for long, and she feared that soon every single decision that had lead her here would come crashing down upon her head.

xxxxx

Striding into the squad room in her hasty outfit and messy ponytail, Amanda kept her head down, eyes on her desk. She naively hoped that no one would comment on her late arrival or question her over her disheveled appearance, but when she reached her seat, Fin was already glancing up at her.

"New look?" He asked.

The words were a teasing jab, but she could hear the concern lacing his tone, forcing her to wonder how much he'd perceived or heard from Brian.

"Yeah," She replied, sarcastically. "It's called mind your own business."

Fin's brows rose, but he didn't comment on her attitude or question her further.

Sinking down into her chair, she slid her sunglasses off her nose and tossed them to the desktop. Rubbing her hands over her face, she hoped that someone had had the sense to brew a pot of coffee already, but before she could even consider going to the break room in search of caffeine, she heard the Captain's door open.

"Rollins." Cragen called across the squad room, his stern tone striking fear into her heart.

She flicked her gaze up in Fin's direction as her pulse began to race, quick and heavy, but his expression was inquisitive rather than knowing. He met her eyes as if to silently ask her what she had done this time, and she ducked her head to avoid his questioning gaze.

Pushing up from the desk, she clenched her hands into fists at her side as she quickly closed the space between her desk and Cragen's office. As much as she did not want to have this confrontation, the curious looks in the squad room were unbearable.

Once she stepped inside the room, Cragen closed the door behind, erasing the possibility that this would be a simple conversation. She desperately wanted to believe that he'd address her tardiness and let her be, but the premonition twisting in her stomach wasn't so naive.

Standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, she glanced back at him, nervously biting her lower lip. His gaze was guarded and pensive as he tucked his hands into his pockets and slowly paced towards the desk. She wanted to say something, maybe an apology for being late or for not taking his call, but the words were stuck in her throat, captive to her growing dread.

The silence was excruciating, and all she could hear in her ears was the sound of her heartbeat, relentlessly pounding. Finally, Cragen reached the desk, and sat down in the chair with a creak.

Meeting her eyes, he said, rigidly, "I told you to keep your distance from Olivia."

The words hit her stomach with the full force of culminated trepidation. Her defenses rose, her lips unlocking in an attempt to halt the path she knew this conversation was going.

"Captain, hold on-" She began, taking a step forward.

"No." He cut her off, holding up a hand to silence her. "Cassidy called me last night nearly in tears because he couldn't find her."

"I know, and I never meant for that to happen. I swear." Amanda exclaimed, fear and horror clouding into a thick knot in her throat.

She hadn't had time to think about how Brian had found them in the hotel room, but now it only made sense that he had enlisted Cragen's help. Mortification crawled through her veins as she imagined what Brian might have told the captain of the scene inside the hotel, and slowly nausea began to roll in her stomach.

"What didn't you mean to happen, Amanda?" Cragen snapped, sitting forward. "Neglecting to call anyone when you found her or kissing her?"

The words rang across the room, taking the breath straight from her lungs. For a moment, she couldn't speak, her mind frozen in confusion. She'd sworn to Brian that nothing had happened between her and Olivia, and somehow she had thought they'd be safe from discovery. Now, as each agonizing second ticked away, she realized that Olivia had not tried so hard as she to keep their secret. She'd confessed to Brian and he to the Captain, and now she stood alone, taking the brunt of the consequences.

"A vulnerable, hurting woman." Cragen went on, his voice sharp with disdain. "A victim, and your partner."

"You're only getting one side of this, Captain." She insisted, her voice trembling.

"Then, please." He replied in a steely tone, spreading his hands, "Enlighten me. Explain to me how you thought it this was appropriate."

"She called me." Amanda began, fighting hard not to cry even as stray tears welled at her lids. "She couldn't even speak, Captain. All I could think of was getting to her. And when I did she was distraught, crying about wanting to have a child even if Lewis had -"

She cut off, horrified by even the memory of Olivia's pain and devastation. Scraping her hand over her face and hair, she met Cragen's eyes with her own watery ones, hoping to see some sort of understanding. His brows were knit, concern clouding his features just beneath the layer of protective anger, but he remained silent, as if waiting for her to complete the confession.

"I didn't know what else to do besides hold her." She whispered, wiping quickly at the tears fleeing down her cheeks. "And then she asked me to kiss her…"

"So you're saying it's her fault?" Cragen questioned.

"No, of course not! I'm the one that stopped it," Amanda cried, stabbing her finger at her chest, "and I told her I couldn't take advantage her."

They glared at each other, silence falling heavily between them, and Amanda didn't know whether her desperate overtures had made a difference to Cragen. A part of her was angry that he had taken a personal moment and dragged it inside of the squad room, but after feeling as close as she had to Olivia last night the prospect of losing her completely stunned her into terrified compliance.

Her legs felt weak beneath her, and she sank slowly down into the chair behind her, clutching her forehead.

"You don't believe me." She whispered, staring down at the blurry floorboards.

"No, I do." Cragen said, slowly. "But I'm afraid it wasn't your first bad decision last night."

Cold fear clutched her at his condemnation, her chest tightening to breathlessness. Her mind spun, clinging to any possibility that he didn't mean what she thought he did. He couldn't know...

"Olivia is like a daughter to me, Amanda," Cragen continued at last, sliding back from the desk, and rising slowly.. "She's been through hell so I hope you understand what consequences your actions have in regards to her."

Blinking against lingering, placid tears, she watched him, apprehension filling her chest as he picked up a manila folder, and rounded the desk to stand in front of her. He gazed down her, his expression shadowed in dark disapproval, and she found herself quivering beneath his damning gaze.

"I want you think carefully before you speak." He advised in a low, quiet tone as he flipped open the folder, and extended it to her. "I want you to think about those consequences."

With her stomach churning and her heart racing, she took the folder with a trembling hand. A single sheet of paper lay inside, and on it was printed a list of dates, times, and across from them longitudes and latitudes. She'd seen reports such as this hundreds of times during dozens of missing persons cases, and she could feel her heart palpitating in her chest as her eyes raked over this one now.

"Do you see this?" Cragen asked, tapping his finger next to a highlighted line. "That location is Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital."

"Y-you tracked my phone?" Amanda choked out, breathlessly, staring at the vivid, yellow highlight as panic flooded her senses.

"And Olivia's." Cragen confirmed.

"W-what?" She cried, flinging him a shimmering, panicked gaze as the folder quaked in her hand. "Because Brian thought we were together? Because he can't fucking control his insecurity?!"

"Because he knew you were together, Amanda." Cragen cut in as her voice reached a high pitch of desperation. "This is how he found you at the hotel, but none of that matters as much to me right now as where you were before."

"Y-you can't use this." She whispered through clenched teeth, shoving the folder back into his hands. "You had no fucking right to track my phone."

She began to push up out of the chair, ready to flee from the room in a state of shock, anger, and panic, but Cragen's hand clamped down on her shoulder with an iron grip. Forcing her back into her seat, he leaned down until their faces were bare inches apart.

"I am the captain of this precinct." Cragen ground out. " I will find a good enough reason if I have to, but that's not what I want. You tell me the truth now, and it goes no further than this room."

She wanted to defend herself. She wanted to claim that she'd done nothing more than stand on the front step of Bellevue and curse the man inside, but every explanation would be a lie, and Cragen knew that. It'd taken him less than twenty four hours to discover every unhinged decision she had made last night, and any more pathetic excuses would only be the last nail in her coffin.

James had her pinned in a compromising position, and now so did the captain. All points of escape were blocked, and with this realization came the true and real panic. When each man was done extracting his pound of flesh from her what would be left but a mess of shattered bones and open wounds?

A sob bloomed in her throat, raw and aching to be free of her body, and the small amount of mental strength she had left slipped away from her beneath the tide of emotion. She sagged beneath Cragen's grip, crying out as she buckled under each devastating blow of doom. Clasping her hand over her face, she hid the ruinous tears tracking down her cheeks from his sight, but she couldn't hide her utter despair.

"Amanda, just tell me the truth." Cragen pressed, a hint of compassion finally lacing his tone.

Then, at the smallest kindest she broke, folding into herself as she sobbed into her palm the gruesome and ghastly truth.

"Oh, god….I almost killed him..."