The sound of rain beginning to pour down on the rooftop and the low vibration of her cellphone on the nightstand lulled her out of the fitful sleep she'd fallen into, though for a moment her limbs felt too heavy to lift.
She'd been too exhausted, her head pounding from tears, to resist sleeping again despite the strange nightmares she knew would twist her mind. As consciousnesses gripped her, she wasn't sure which was worse - the dreams or the reality of her life.
Her lids fluttered open to the half lit sight of the window where she could see dark clouds rolling in against the sky. It was that strange point in the evening where it could almost be mistaken for early morning, and for a moment she struggled to orient herself with the time of day.
Rolling over towards the side table, she fumbled for her phone, and as she lifted it, the screen came to life, searing her eyes with the sharp LED.
7:32 pm.
Missed call from Amanda Rollins.
She sank back into the bed, her throat tightening. She pressed her eyes shut for a moment as the intense, painful memories of last night and this morning flooded her brain again, spilling like fresh blood across the white canvas of her awakening mind.
She'd barely been able to grapple the hopelessness and guilt that had trapped her, and falling asleep again had been the easiest option. She knew the escape from life wouldn't last forever, but it had lasted long enough to dull the bite of the sharp teeth of her mistakes against her throat. A part of her wished to put her phone back down and close her eyes once more, and maybe, if it had been anyone else calling she might've done just that, but the temptation of hearing her voice again was too strong to ignore.
Sitting up from the bed, she clutched her phone in one hand, and padded towards the door.
She'd heard Brian leave the apartment earlier, but after their argument, she wanted to ensure his absence before calling Amanda back. He'd said nothing of forbidding her from contacting her again, but such jealous behavior had never been a part of their relationship. His eyes, however, had told her enough, and her own actions had spoken for themselves.
Ignoring the thoughts winding through her mind, she eased the door open, and stepped out into the hall. The silence of the apartment hummed back her, the undertones of rain creating a soft harmony.
She slipped down the hallway towards the living room, and finding it empty, she searched the kitchen and bathroom as well. There was no sign of Brian, and she wandered back out to the couch. Sinking to the cushions, she unlocked her phone, and bit her lower lip as she stared at the call back option below Amanda's name.
She hesitated despite the hammering of her heart, and the desperate perspiration that lined her palms.
She'd labeled the kiss a mistake, a simple lapse in judgement. She'd sworn that she'd done it out of loneliness and fear, but in her heart, she wanted nothing more than to be beside her again. After all of the ways she'd been wronged by other people, she knew the conditions of forgiveness and the truthfulness of an apology. Perhaps, she met neither of those two necessities.
Her guilty thoughts were shattered when the phone abruptly began to buzz in her palm again. She started out of her reverie, and swallowed hard when she saw Amanda's name on the screen again. She hesitated for half a second, and her fingers trembled as she finally tapped the green answer button.
"H-hello?" She stuttered into the speaker.
"Okay," Amanda began, her voice holding a low, uneven tone that immediately clenched Olivia's stomach. "I know this is weird, but I'm outside."
"Wh-what?" Olivia questioned, jumping up from the couch.
Rushing to the window, she yanked back the curtain, and peered down at the street below. Her breath caught as she noticed Amanda's pickup truck idling at a meter across the street.
"I'm sorry this is so weird," Amanda rushed to say, "but I really need to talk to you."
"Okay." Olivia acquiesced in confusion, her mind spinning with thoughts and possibilities. "What's wrong?"
"Can you come down?" Amanda asked, ignoring her question.
"I- I guess... I'm just-"
"Okay, I'll see you in a minute." Amanda cut off her second round of questioning before the line clicked, leaving Olivia to listen to quiet of the apartment once more.
Her heart was racing in her chest as she pulled the phone from her ear, and stared at the screen for an uncertain moment. Her mind was turning with the strange call as she turned towards the front door. She quickly shoved her feet into her tennis shoes, hardly bothering to pull them over her heels as she grabbed her jacket and yanked it onto onto her arms. Her mouth felt dry, her stomach turning as she rushed out the front door and towards the elevator.
She knew nothing of Amanda's sudden appearance here, but all of her instincts were screaming. Something was wrong, and she had the distinct, chilling fear that their infant relationship was on the verge of being shattered before it even truly began. After last night, she couldn't pretend that this meeting would have any other meaning.
As the elevator doors opened, she rushed out into the hall, and towards the front entrance. She shouldered around a mother and her young son slowly making their way inside, and broke out onto the sidewalk. The rain immediately began to pepper her shoulders and the top of her head, and she flipped the hood of the jacket up before jogging towards the crosswalk.
She could see Amanda's truck as she waited for the walk symbol, and the growing sense of dread only seemed to grow in her chest with each passing moment. Finally, the light turned, and she darted across the street, and down the adjacent sidewalk. When she reached the truck, Amanda was leaned over to the passenger's side to leverage the door open for her.
The sight of her face, her damp blonde hair, and piercing blue eyes, seized her chest with feelings far too complex to explain, and she tore her gaze away. She focused on climbing up into the truck, and pulling the door shut, trying desperately to hide the tremble in her hands.
She was surprised, however, when Amanda grasped first her arm, and then her face. She pressed into her, their foreheads touching as Olivia's senses became clouded with the lingering scent of cigarettes and rain, the soft and cold of her flesh. A gentle quiver worked its way through her body as Amanda clung to her for a moment, her eyes squeezed shut. Her heartbeat chugged out a heavy rhythm of anticipation, and she slowly reached up to clasp Amanda's jaw. The simple caress rippled across Amanda's body, and she seemed to collapse with it.
Their lips crushed together, a shock of warmth to their rain-soaked flesh, and Olivia's being swelled suddenly. Releasing a low moan, she squeezed her fingers over the back of Amanda's neck, pulling her closer.
She'd just told herself all over again that kissing Amanda the first time had been horrible mistake, but she could not feign to despise it now. She hardly resisted their second embrace as the sensations of Amanda's vibrant touch burned across her every nerve ending, and she found herself pinned beneath undeniable desire.
Amanda moved first, her jaw slackening in a soft offer, and Olivia whimpered once more, unable to resist the slickness of her mouth just at the other side of her teeth. Tilting her head into the kiss, she arched her tongue across Amanda's palate, and the taste of her exploded like an exquisite poison. Amanda pushed into her, her fingers winding into her hair as she returned the lap of her tongue.
The passion in the Amanda's every movement washed chills across Olivia's body. It seemed even more visceral than last night without the clouds of despondency to dull her senses. The taste and texture of her was sharp and palpable, and Olivia clung to each millisecond that she drowned in it.
Desires of pulling her onto her lap and never letting her go quickly followed every kiss, tripping over themselves to form in her mind on their way to finding a reality. She ignored the impossibility of it all for the present pleasure of each soothing caress, and resounding need echoing from inside Amanda's own body until finally their fragile solace shattered from beneath them.
Amanda broke away from her abruptly, panting softly. She grasped Olivia's shoulder, her head lowered as tears blossomed in her eyes.
Olivia stared down at her, quivering in the aftermath of a kiss that she knew in her heart was too good to be true. Amanda had not come here to change her mind - not after swearing she wouldn't take advantage of Olivia; not after the way Brian had found them; not after the way she had looked at Olivia inside that hotel bathroom.
"I'm sorry." Amanda whispered, huskily, at last. "I didn't mean to do that...I just had to one more time…"
The apology cemented into place the warning in Olivia's heart, and the warmth in her chest slowly began to disappear beneath the resurging tide of dread which had accompanied her to the car. She turned her gaze towards the window as her own tears misted her vision. She didn't need to ask anymore questions. She knew the answer hiding inside of Amanda's swimming, cerulean eyes. Lifting a hand, she slowly drew her fingers over her lower lip, dragging away the remnants of Amanda's saliva.
"Whatever you're going to say, Amanda…" She murmured, raspily, "Just say it."
She felt Amanda's eyes on her for a long excruciating moment, but she couldn't return the gaze. She knew too well what was coming, and the pain of having to not only hear, but also see the truth was too much to bear.
"I'm going away." Amanda finally whispered.
"What?" Olivia breathed, involuntarily spinning towards the other woman.
It wasn't what she had expected her to say. She'd expected apologies and explanations, reasonings for why they could no longer be as close as they had been the past five days, but not this.
"I'm going away." Amanda repeated, lifting her watery, blue eyes towards Olivia.
Her forehead was wrinkled in pain, her mouth tight and down turned, but for the first time in almost a week, Olivia could not read the thoughts behind that expression. That barbed visage had somehow become a stranger in a few short days, and seeing it again frightened her in a way she hadn't anticipated.
"Going where?" She whispered, reeling in shock.
"I'm not sure yet." Amanda replied as she began to lean back slowly, her hand slipping away from Olivia's body.
"But why?" Olivia demanded, acutely aware of the tears stinging her eyes.
Amanda's jaw clenched as she sat back into her side of the seat, and she hardly glanced over at Olivia as she seemed to struggle to form a sentence.
"Amanda, you're scaring me." Olivia whispered, reaching over to grab her wrist.
Amanda's chin quivered as she finally flicked her eyes towards Olivia's once more.
"I have to tell you something, Liv." She whispered. "Something you might not like."
Olivia stared at her, her throat spasming with panic. She couldn't speak to order some kind of explanation or even to entertain a plea on the tip of her tongue. Instead her heart beat relentlessly at her ears as Amanda's pause grew unbearable. Finally, she clenched her fingers around Amanda's wrist as though she could squeeze the answer from her.
"What?" She croaked when Amanda seemed to falter.
"I did something." Amanda murmured at last, tears shimmering across her trembling facade of bravery. "I wanted to do more, but I didn't."
"What are you talking about?" Olivia insisted, her stomach turning with sickening dread.
"I went to Bellevue. I extorted a doctor there for access." She finally revealed, her voice low and strangled with emotion. "I saw him, Liv. I saw Lewis."
For a moment, Olivia couldn't speak. She could scarcely move, or even breathe. She felt frozen in this moment, listening to her pulse as she conceptualized every possibility and scenario. A dozen frantic questions sprouted in her mind, but none of them could form on her lips as the shocked riddled her through and through.
"I went to his bedside." Amanda whispered, her expression collapsing as the tears filling her eyes began slip down her cheeks. "I held his life in my hands, and I wanted so badly to take it."
She flung a desperate gaze in Olivia's direction, her hands clenched into fists as thought the beast was before her in this moment. She quaked with the fear and emotion pouring from her, and though the pity grasped Olivia first, the horror followed quickly. She drew back, clasping one hand over her mouth. Grabbing at the truck's dashboard with her other hand, she held onto the tangible support so tightly that the blood seeped from her shivering fingers.
"I looked into his eyes." Amanda breathed. "I saw it, Liv. I saw what I wanted. He was afraid for his life, really fucking afraid."
"No…." Olivia whispered, despair lacing it's way through every rib bone and fiber of her heart.
I'm her mind's eye, she saw Lewis crumpled on the floor of the beach house, blood splashed across his face and coating his teeth. His lashes were painted with it, his lids shimmering with a crimson sparkle as they widened around his wide and horrified eyes. Those moments of terror before unconsciousness had been few, and yet they haunted more than even his smile. It was the only pleasure she'd felt for days upon endless days, and as she had wielded the bedrail high above her head, she'd even enjoyed it. But as soon as it was over, and she'd found herself standing over his motionless body, every single hint of satisfaction had fermented into a self loathing so great that she would not wish it upon anyone, much less this beautiful, gentle woman beside her.
"Jesus, no, Amanda." She groaned, shaking her head a stray tear slipped down cheek. "Why would you do this?"
"I just wanted someone to make him pay for what he did to you!" Amanda cried out. "I wanted to be the one to put that bastard down for good."
"You wanted to kill a man?!" Olivia demanded, tearing her hand from her face in order to grab Amanda's.
Cradling her tear stained cheeks with both palms, she forced Amanda to look at her, their watery gazes clashing as Olivia whispered, "You cannot want that. You cannot destroy yourself for him."
"I know…." Amanda moaned as her eyes squeezed shut, pushing fast tears from beneath her lids. "Oh, god…"
A sob worked its way up to her twisted lips, and she sagged into Olivia's grasp, emotion wracking her body. Grasping Olivia's waist, Amanda wept her anguish upon her breast, a staggering burden that Olivia knew the weight of far too well.
Wrapping her arms around Amanda's shoulders, she cradled the back of her head as Amanda's tears soaked through her shirt, and the violent emotion had it's way with body. She wished that she could offer some words of comfort, but the bleak future of the effect of Lewis's darkness on a person left her speechless, and grasping for even the hope that Amanda would ever completely recover from this.
She watched the clock on Amanda's dashboard click to the next minute and then the next as the implications and causes of Amanda's decision to go to Bellevue came to life in her mind.
She lowered her face into Amanda's hair as she thought to herself that none of this would have happened if she hadn't so weakly and selfishly dispelled her every dark memory and every consequence of tragedy upon Amanda's fragile heart and mind. She'd found in her a confidant, a sister soul of trauma, but maybe she had leaned too heavily upon her. Maybe, Amanda had never processed her own rape until now, and with it all crashing down upon her, she hadn't had the strength to withstand. Maybe, her brokenness was every bit Olivia's fault as it was Lewis's.
She tried hard not to collapse out from under Amanda as her whimpers dwindled into silence, and only the sound of the rain was left to fill the void. In her arms, Amanda slowly shifted, and Olivia bit back tears, quickly blinking the evidence from her eyes as she hesitantly let her go.
Amanda shifted haltingly back into her seat, and clasped her hands over her face for another long second. Olivia watched her every movement, resisting the urges to pull her to her chest again and protect her from every demon which nipped at her heels. But she couldn't protect her. That was a fact that had become quite obvious.
Finally, Amanda's hands slid from her face, and they languished in her lap as she stared past the windshield towards the rainy street.
"I can't do this anymore." She whispered at last, her voice raw.
"Do what?" Olivia whispered, grasping the edge of the leather seat in apprehension.
"This." Amanda murmured, spreading out her hands. "I don't know who I am anymore. I just-...I have to get away."
"What about your job?" Olivia questioned, her voice quavering with unshed tears as she tried desperately to think of some reason for Amanda to stay.
"Oh, that's not going to be a problem." Amanda replied, her voice going rigid as she shrugged, wiping the back of her hand over her cheek. "Cragen has already made it quite clear that I'm not mentally fit right now."
"Cragen? How does he know?"
"He knows a lot more than I wanted him to." Amanda answered, finally casting her glittering gaze. "And maybe he's right. Maybe I need to go get my shit together before I call myself a cop."
"Amanda-" Olivia began, reaching to touch her arm before she could stop herself.
"No, you said it." Amanda contradicted her before she could even protest. "I wanted to kill a man….I can't do this right now. I'm sorry, Olivia!"
"Sorry?" Olivia whispered. "You don't have to be sorry. This isn't your fault."
"We've all made decisions we have to live with." Amanda murmured, as she reached back to grab her seatbelt. "And some we have to pay for. This is one of them.
"Amanda, wait." Olivia pleaded as Amanda sat forward and started the loud, rumbling truck engine.
"You have to go now, Olivia." Amanda whispered, glancing over at her with bloodshot, glimmering eyes. "Please, get out."
"Amanda…" Olivia began, her voice dwindling into a moan. "Please, don't do this."
Grasping the steering wheel with trembling fingers, Amanda set her eyes on the road ahead, her jaw clenched.
"You can't stop me, Liv, now please..." She implored, her voice rough with hidden emotion.
"Just get out of my truck."
Olivia stared at her for a long moment, tears welling in her eyes as her heart palpitated with pain. Every suture that Amanda had administered to the broken pieces of her were ripping from the half healed wounds, and she felt paralyzed by the agony of it. Sucked of every bit of strength, she could scarcely find the willpower to even try to change Amanda's mind.
She had been powerless to stop Lewis from taking her freedom, her dignity, and nearly her life. Now, he was taking something else, something so precious and dear, and she couldn't stop him; no, she couldn't even fight.
In a daze, she grabbed the door handle with a cold, numb hand, and the hinges creaked loudly in the silence. She slid down to the sidewalk as the thunder rumbled overhead, and as she turned to close it behind her, the rain began to come down even harder. Even as the downpour began to soak through her clothing and hair she didn't want to close the door. It seemed too final, and yet she knew she was only delaying the inevitable.
She stared at Amanda's hunched figure, praying she look up and realize she didn't have to do this, but Amanda's gaze did not lift. Gripping the metal door handle, Olivia pinned her eyes to her whitened knuckles as she shored up the strength to end bitter farewell. Finally, she squeezed her eyes shut, and eased the truck's door shut while her tears became lost in the rain.
In a seconds, Amanda was pulling away from the curb, the truck's exhaust giving her one last rush of warmth before the cold enveloped her completely. The sky above her split open with lightning, crashing across her senses, and she lifted her face towards the weeping clouds with the thought that if the sky could cry and rage then so could she, for she hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye.