So, as can now be seen, Contritum Caelum is now "M" rated, and this chapter is the first chapter with the more mature changes. The following chapter does contain hints/thoughts of self-harm and cutting, but as of yet no direct act is portrayed. Please just be aware not all chapters will be only suggestive/hinting at it, and some will contain actual scenes. Please, read with caution, or skip the marked scenes in those chapters if you wish. On with the chapter Contrite's, and again, I can't stress enough, don't give up. Skip the marked part of the chapter if you wish, please do not read it if you might/will be affected. Again, if chapters on any story have dipped in quality, I'm sorry.

They had just gotten back from the hospital, their spirits low and their energy depleted. The whole of Zootopia seemed silent to them, their ears not flicking or responding to any stimulus. Courtney had never been one to have anything get her down, she'd always been such a lively girl, even when she was young - well, thats the side everyone saw from her. She always saw the positives, even in the most dire of situations; but losing two of the closest anthro's she's ever had in her life? The one who felt like the sister she never had, and the other who was like an older brother she wanted. She had spent so much time with the pair, and Amare's death had really hit her, but she never let the grief get to her. For Odi, she stayed strong and supported the male, and the guilt she felt when they got pulled apart from each other. Leaving him to raise Caelum by himself, while grieving for Amare, she didn't even want to know what happened.. She knew some bad things had happened, he broke down to her before they left, when Caelum was outside, he broke down and told her about the way he had sometimes treated Caelum..

She lifted Caelum up into her arms, noticing his dragged out steps and tired sway, and he quickly snuggled up against her and drifted asleep, to which Courtney allowed a smile to grace her features once more. Caelum may not be her son by blood, or by anything, but she swore to Odi and Amare that she would do anything for him, she promised that if something happened to the pair of them, to treat him like her son, to raise him well, and she would never break that promise. Managing to unlock and open the door, she slunk inside and closed it behind her with her foot, mentally noting to lock it later. Still holding Caelum in her arms, she was surprised by how light he actually was, despite Odi saying that lately Caelum had been eating very well. Carrying the sleeping male to the bed, she was just about to lay him down to sleep when her eyes caught sight of something, something she wished her eyes would never lay on again, something she wanted nothing more than to push to the back of her mind forever and never dwell on it. Shaking the thought free, she lay Caelum down and covered him beneath the blanket, before quietly preparing to leave. The object was out of his reach - thankfully - but none the less she didn't trust it being there. It was just, out and open, so inviting... So welcoming.. So friendly.. She couldn't, she wouldn't.. She had swore the past would stay buried.

She had swore on everything she had - which wasn't much at the time - that the past would stay only in the past, that the old her had no right or place in her new body, in her new life, new future.. She didn't want it tainted by mere shadows and phantoms of someone who died long ago. She didn't want to leave it there; she didn't trust her hands though, she didn't trust her own body to take action she swore should never be enacted. Courtney tried to avert her eyes, but they were just..glued to the inviting metallic glint. "C'mon Court, snap outta it." She just couldn't, for some unknown reason her body just felt, frozen, as though time would only move forwards if she obeyed the mysterious instinct that kicked in.

"C'mon Court.. Those old wounds should stay old.." Everything she said just felt, empty.. She couldn't explain it.. It was one of those moments where, you just felt so powerless, against yourself. So powerless to resist something, like every word was empty and meant nothing, like the only way for it to end was to obey. She felt like a slave to some internal instinct, and she didn't like it one bit. Relunctantly, unwillingly extending her paw out, she reached for the small mentallic object and gripped the non-mental part of it at the back, then pulling it back to her chest and staring blankly at it as it rested on her paws. That old feeling, the feeling she swore was dead with the old her, just began to settle itself nicely in her stomach, the old her getting comfortable in the new, older shell.

She tossed it between her paws, an intent, blank, dead stare locked onto the small old object. It was still, as sharp as it was so many years ago. Still as inviting and welcoming. "No...no more" She hissed, forcing her glance up from the metal temporary, but it was very quickly drawn straight back. That helpless, powerless feeling wasn't new to her, it was something she had grown up with, something she put her heart and soul into banishing. If she relented.. All of that, all of her effort would be wasted; it was just too inviting. Her body just moved, she had almost no control over her paws as one gripped the small razor, proceeding to press it against her bare arm, drawing a soft, both upset yet relieved sigh. She hesitated to make the cut, she refused to surrender to it, she refused to give up. She'd be a massive failure if she did.. In her eyes she'd be a massive, weak, hypocritical failure.. She always talked anthro's she knew out of exactly what she was thinking of doing right now. Closing her eyes, she silently growled with conflicted thoughts, about whether to relent or to fight. She knew how this felt, and all those years ago she loved the feeling, the feeling of the blade, the feeling of the drops of blood that leave the fresh wound.. She loved that, because with those drops of blood that left her internal form, so did the emotions she wanted to rid herself of. "No... I don't... Need this anymore." She assured herself, fighting against the mysterious, unwanted instinct, she moved the blade from her arm without resulting in injury, and pocketed the blade, determined to dispose of it for good later, and with a soft smile, and a sense of pride in herself, she left the bedroom and went on with her life, locking away those thoughts, for good she hoped.

~AN: Yes, I'm well aware that this chapter is a little shorter than the more recent ones I've been creating, but understand I'm not in my element, and writing about things personal to me and many people isn't easy. I just want everyone to know that please... If you ARE going through anything like this, with those kind of thoughts in your head, please, don't go down that route! Take it from me, I've been there, I've hurt myself, I've cut in the past, it doesn't do anything in the long run.. It just causes pain. I know, I understand to some, it might feel like a type of relief, and I understand that because I'm like that. It might help ease emotions or something, but don't fucking do it. Please. You're doing more than making a simple cut on your arm, or whichever body part it is, but seriously, you're doing alot more than just that. You're causing pain for yourself, you're causing pain for everyone around you who cares about you, and if anything, you're not going to get relief from it in the long run, because what most likely happen is what happened to me and other people. You'll do it the first time.. It'll feel nice, a sting that just makes everything feel better.. You'll probably feel a little sick too.. It won't stop there.. Soon you'll do it again, and again, and again.. Each time looking for relief, each time needing more. It's too difficult to stop. Please, I can't stress this enough: DON'T! I don't want people going down the same path. Like I said, you're only causing more pain, and (don't be offended by this) but in a way, you are just scarring a beautiful body. Everyone girl is beautiful in her own way, every boy is handsome in their own way, and you should believe it, and I'm not saying that if you have done something like that, you're not a beautiful girl or handsome boy still, you are. Just please, don't follow that path. People care about you, believe it or not, I care about you all. Until next time Contrite's, peace out.