~Courtney's POV~

'Why the fuck was this happening to Caelum?' Everything was just so goddamn unfair. It was just so cruel to one of the purest souls. A kit who forgave a dad after four years of neglect, abuse and very little true love.. A kit who forgave anthro's who bullied him for a year straight, and ONLY apologised because they got caught.. Why is it the worst fucking shit happens to the best ones? The ones who don't deserve it. I had a bad life, Zootopia wasn't even half as great as animals made it out to be. This place was hell sometimes. It happened to me for most of my life, and now it was happening to Caelum.

I just wanted to scream, scream about how unfair everything was.. I didn't want to lose Odi.. He was the closest thing to family I had left, aside from Caelum.. But how could I be a good mom when I didn't even know what a good mom was? I didn't know how to raise a kid, I had no idea at all, and I don't think Odi could teach me much. Granted, Caelum was more able to handle himself than I was giving him credit for, but I didn't know how to help him if something happened. "This isn't fair on him.. He needs Odi alot more than he needs me.."

A dejected sigh, I turned my gaze over to my bedside clock, checking the time through a blurred vision from tears refusing to fall. 03:51... I hadn't slept at all for.. Three? Four? Five night? I didn't know.. I was just so tired; I didn't want to close my eyes though.. I hated closing my eyes to sleep, I rarely got good dreams. That razor, I could still feel it's inviting presence echoing in the darkness of the night, just begging for me to relent. I hadn't gave in for, almost twenty years.. Twenty years of not hurting myself, nearly twenty years of being the best me I ever have been.

"The new me don't need that anymore.." I told myself, drowning out the silent pleads from the inanimate object. I was right, the new me didn't need that anymore. The me who realised it wasn't always her fault, the me who actually felt alive, who felt what it was like to be cared about. The me who wasn't ashamed of being.. Me.. Just because I was this new me however, I hadn't recovered from my old life, and time and time again the night haunted me. It would torture me with my dark moments, and whatever part of my subconscious that kept causing these nightmares and terrors knew perfectly which part for me to relive for the 'best' reaction.

Last night was another day of bullying at school, the night before was family problems, the night before that was my cousins funeral, the night before that? More bullying.. It was non-stop lately. One after the next, but I wouldn't do anything about it. I didn't trust anyone enough, except Odi, but I couldn't burden him, and I didn't trust or even really believe in threapy. I know it works for some, but I tried it and we got nowhere in three weeks.. Three weeks and everything they told me just seemed like it was the same shit that already wasn't working.

If I never kept everything to myself for those years and actually told someone maybe I'd be happy now.. Maybe I'd even have my own mate. Probably not actually.. The darkness was welcoming, inviting, and the lack of sleep was really makin everything more difficult, but I was too scared to close my eyes. Heh, a fully grown, adult German Shepherd who was scared to close her eyes and sleep.. Sounds kinda stupid don't it? Well it would to people who don't go through what I do at night. A loud yawn reverberrated throughout my throat, with my eyes unwillingly closing as sleep took over.. I knew it was only a matter of time before the restless sequence started, maybe an hour if I was lucky.

~Flashback, Courtney's POV~ (Suicide Warning! If you do not wish to read that, then I suggest you stop reading this chapter here, as there is nothing after the Flashback, not even an Author's Note. If you do read, please use caution to be safe.)

"Sophie please!"

'Oh, why this one?'

"Sophie please! Don't do this!"

'Anything but this one.. Please anything but this one'

"C'mon Sophie, put the knife down..." Her fathers voice in the background.

'No please.. Anything but this one.'

"Everything hurts too much!" Her broken voice, strained with tears and choked with sobs.

'Please...not this one.. I can't.'

"Sophie please! Don't! Put it down!" I screamed, I screamed and screamed but she wouldn't listen..

"I want it all to stop!" So broken.. So damaged and destroyed.

"C'mon sweetheart, put it down.. Talk to me, I'm your dad.. I love you Sophie. Courtney's your best friend, she loves you too"

'Please... Please please... Stop... I can't.'

"Everything just hurts so much.. I can't handle it.." Tears flooded down her fur, breaking my heart even more..

"Please Sophie.. Don't do this! Just put it down!" I begged, begged and begged, but she wouldn't listen.

'I can't do this.. I can't relive this.. I can do anything but this.'

I watched her.. I watched her pull the blade closer... Frozen on the spot in fear..

"Sophie! Drop it! Don't!" Her dad was so deseperate, so desperate for his daughter to see the light once more.

"I can't.. Handle all the pain dad..." I knew what she was talking about.. What had happened to her that started this off.

"Sophie... Please... You've got me and Courtney here.. We'll support you.. We won't abandon you! Please just don't... Don't do it!" Tears were flowing down my face as I watched her, so broken and destroyed.. The blade inched closer to her body.

'No! Please! Stop! Anything but this! I can't! Sophie!'

"Sophie please! Don't do this! I'll help you through this! Please don't give up! I need you!"

"No you don't... No-one 'needs' me.." So quiet.. So fragile.. So hopeless..

"Thats not true! You're my daughter! I don't only need you, I WANT you in my life! I don't want to lose you!"

'I needed you Sophie.. I needed you so much more than you knew... Than I told you... I failed you... So badly.'

"Sophie please! Just put it down! You can trust us! We'll get through this.. We'll help you... Please put the knife down! You're not alone!"

"It feel's like I am... It feels like I am alone! I can't cope!" It inched even closer, the blade mere centimetre's away from her fur.

"I know it feels like that, but that isn't the case! I'm here for you Sophie! You can talk to me, you can tell me everything and anything! I'll do anything I can to help you!"

"Anything?" So little hope, so little reason.. So little life left in her eyes and her voice..

"Hold me when I die..." The blade pressed against her body, and she just stared at me, eyes empty, hopeless.. Full of so much pain and suffering..

"SOPHIE!" I screamed, desperate for her to not do it..

'SOPHIE! I'm so fucking sorry! I never should've frozen up... I'm so sorry... I failed you... I failed you so much... I failed you so badly it cost you you're life...'

The blade pierced her stomach, her scream of pain snapping me from my frozen state. She collapsed to the floor, the knife handle-deep inside her stomach and blood everywhere..

"Sophie! Call an ambulance!" Her father was so broken, so distraught.. I couldn't blame him, he just watced his own daughter stab herself in the stomach with a knife. A fairly big knife at that. I held her in my arms, tears flooding from my eyes and my body shaking violently from sobs. Her eyes were fading so quickly, her lips were quivering and her tone was so frail.. I drowned out her dads frantic begging for an ambulance.

"I...I couldn't live...with what he done to me...I was...such a failure...for not being able to stop him..." I forced down a sob as she held her tightly.

"I-i-i-it w-w-w-was never y-y-y-you're fault S-Sophie... Y-y-y-you're n-n-not a f-f-failure.."

'She thought it was her fault... She thought it was her fault... I failed her... Failed to keep an unspoken promise I made to do everything to protect her. I'm so sorry..'

I watched her eyes continue to fade so quickly. Her paw reached for mine, which I held onto so tightly, as if I could somehow share my life-force with her and save her. Tears didn't stop flowing from my eyes, or hers, as she just laid there in my arms, so close to death. I pulled her closer to me, her tone was so weak now.. "Courtney... Just...know... I always loved you...I wanted...to be your girlfriend for so long..."

My heart shattered into a million more pieces from the thousand pieces it was already in. "I...Sophie..." I choked on my words. "I...I... I love you too...I love you so much... I can't lose you... Please... Please...please... I want you here... I need you with me... I want to be your mate..."

'I could've saved her... If I told her I loved her sooner... That could've gave her the hope she lost... I failed... Why did I have to fail the one I loved more than anything?'

I felt her shift weakly in my arms, and her voice was still so faint, she was fighting the urge to allow Death's cold embrace to consume her. She didn't say anything, instead, she just pressed her lips to mine. My heart was getting ripped into even more pieces as I felt her grow weaker each second of the kiss.. Why? Why Sophie? I put as much of the love I could muster into returning it, hoping that for some magical reason she'd somehow get a new strength and survive this... When I felt her pass... When I felt her stop... I broke... I laid my ears to her chest... No heartbeat... The world stopped moving, time stopped passing... Seconds felt like decades as I just sat there... Clutching her body tightly as it grew colder and colder, ceaseless tears falling..