Here it is, finally! Thanks for putting with the long wait. Let me know how you like it; all reviews, positive or negative, are immensely helpful and, as always, follows and favorites are appreciated. Enjoy!
"My lord? I found it." Carmen spoke hesitantly as she entered Loki's chambers. What she had discovered about saving her baby's life demanded the utmost caution, so she would have to step more lightly than usual around the king.
Said king was busy rifling through sheets of parchment at his desk and barely spared her a moment's glance. "I do not care what you have found; I am busy."
She resisted the urge to sigh or roll her eyes; doing so might make him angry, and she wanted him as calm as possible when she broached this topic with him. "It's how to save my baby," she said slowly, biting her lip. A spark of hope lit up inside of her. "Unless…do you already know how?"
Hopefully he did, and him making her pore through stacks of books was just his way of testing her resolve. It would be so much easier to just tell him that she couldn't do it, rather than letting him know what could be done and then saying that she wouldn't take action. After finding what she had, she didn't want to mention it to him at all; however, he had ordered her to come to him when she made progress, and ignoring one of his direct commands was never a good idea.
He set his papers down, turning to look at her coldly. "What must you do? Because believe me, I will not be offering any assistance with this matter."
"I, um," Carmen swallowed and gathered her resolve, lifting her head. "I'm not going to do anything. I can't." It hurt her heart to say that, to admit that she was basically going to stand aside and let her unborn child die, but there wasn't any other option. If there was, she would grab it in a heartbeat.
"Why not?" Was it just her, or did she detect a hint of curiosity in his voice? "I thought you said you would do anything for the child."
She winced at his sharp reminder, shaking her head slowly. "I can't do this," she said in a soft voice. "I can't kill someone else's child and drink their blood. I can't give life to my own baby at the expense of another." In the book it had been so simple and clinical; a life for a life, the blood flowing through her own veins to make her baby strong. But in real life, just the thought of it made her shudder with revulsion.
Loki snorted and smirked, immediately putting Carmen on the defensive. "I am blown away by the mother's love for her child," he mocked. "Look how far she would go for the one she claims to love above all others; it is truly touching."
"Just because I won't become a murderer doesn't mean I love him any less," she bristled. "I don't want him to come into the world with the death of another hanging over his head from the moment he first draws breath." A child like that would have no choice but to turn out like his father, and how would she explain that she killed someone for him, anyway? Her son would grow up with that monstrous weight on his shoulders, that weight which would turn him into a monster too. "I…I'll just keep looking. There has to be another way, somewhere out there. There has to be."
"There is not any other way," he said cruelly. "You either kill another's child or kill your own."
Tears swam in her eyes, but she held them back resolutely; she would never cry in front of him. "Fine, then," she said in clipped tones, lifting her chin and banishing all emotion from her face. "Let your own son die. I'm sure history will look at you in the kindest light possible."
She didn't see any change of expression on his face, so she could only hope that she'd hurt him and he was hiding it; at this point, any chance to make him feel even the slightest bit guilty about her fate was a welcome one. "You are leaving now," he said in a detached voice, turning back to his papers. "Do not leave your room; you know what will happen if you disobey."
It wasn't until she had collapsed on her bed that she let herself fall apart.
The tears came streaming freely down her blotchy cheeks, her breath shaky and halting. After everything she'd been through, after all of the hours spent read mind-numbing books and dreaming about the future with her baby, of course it had to end like this. Of course the one thing she loved would be ripped away from her before she even got the chance to know him. If there was any God up there in the sky above Asgard, then he was even worse than the ones here with her. At least Loki never gave her hope; she knew she wouldn't be truly happy as long as she was with him…and she didn't know how long that would be.
Were those her only options, then? Get thrown back to Earth as a broken toy or remain here, enduring him every second of her life? Suddenly, her room seemed to grow smaller, the walls pressing in around her. She couldn't spend the rest of her life here. And now that her precious baby was doomed to death…what reason did she have to stay? Sure, he would hurt her, but that couldn't begin to come close to the pain she felt knowing that her son was lost to her; maybe, if she was lucky, he would just kill her and set her free.
A sort of frantic fervor coming on to her face as her eyes roved the room for some means of escape and landed on the one window she had. She'd never even considered it before since it was so small and high up, but now, when she was going to lose everything she had anyway, she might as well risk it. Wiping away the tears from her face and wishing she could wipe away her sadness just as easily, Carmen got to work.
It took her a little while to push her dresser over to the window and she had to rest a moment afterwards, but she got it done. Biting her lip, she considered the window. It wouldn't be easy, but she didn't have a choice; she had to get out of here before she suffocated in her own despair. Climbing fearlessly onto the dresser, she reached her arms as far through the window as they would go, grasped the sill firmly, and pulled. Her arms felt like they were on fire as they lifted her entire weight, but then she did a quick spin and let go.
Part of her was hoping the fall would be high enough to end her life, but all it did was send a shock through her body as her legs adjusted to the impact. As she looked around at the open sky and felt the warm breeze ruffle her hair, a small smile slipped onto her lips. She was free. It didn't matter what would happen to her later; for this moment, the sun was shining down on her and she had to power to choose what would happen next.
There was no one on that part of the grounds at that moment, which left her free to wander wherever she wanted. As she walked through the grounds, savoring every stone and patch of grass her bare feet stepped on, she realized how little of the palace she had actually seen. The place was massive. She had no idea where to go, so she let her feet guide her as her mind wandered, going back to the same depressing thoughts that had been on repeat: her baby not living. She didn't know how she would ever get past losing her child, or if it was even possible; she remembered one of her mom's friends miscarrying when she was younger, and the woman had never quite gone back to her bright cheerful self. If anything, the knowledge only made her more reckless than she had ever dared to be; there was something about empty sadness that lent a certain strength to the person carrying it.
The sound of neighing jarred her out of her thoughts, and she realized with a glimmer of happiness that she was at a stable. It looked more regal than the ones she'd seen back on Earth, but otherwise it was one of the most familiar things she'd seen in a while. Carmen peered inside, her gaze flickering around for anyone who might question her, but all she saw were a few young grooms doing the daily work of caring for the horses.
She curiously approached the first stall she came to, noticing with surprise that there was no door to the stall- and that the horse inside seemed to have eight legs. "Well you're a beauty, aren't you," she murmured, smiling softly. Even without the extra set of legs, the stallion still would've been marvelous to behold with his cascading black mane, well-muscled body, and sleek, shining grey coat. There was a spark in his eyes as well that suggested an intelligence as great as any man's.
He sniffed the palm of her offered hand and whickered approvingly, then reached out his head to give her belly a gentle nuzzle. Carmen gave a slight laugh at that, running her fingers down his smooth neck. "Does my baby smell good?"
The horse lifted his head and blew a hot breath in her face in response. To her surprise, she found herself letting out a giggle; it had been so long since she'd been around horses that'd she'd forgotten all of the little things they did. It made her sad, though, to think about it. If she was still on Earth, she'd probably be working with some sort of animal right now; either that, or sitting in on a lecture about veterinary medicine instead of working hands-on.
Before she could reply, the stallion pricked his ears and looked to the side. Carmen followed his gaze to see a man walking towards her through the stable. She had just moments to prepare herself, straightening her spine and leaving one reassuring hand on the horse's neck. As long as she acted like she was allowed to be here, he likely wouldn't know any better.
The man raised his dark eyebrows, looking back and forth between her and the horse. "Sleipnir's taken a liking to you, eh? Usually he chases away anyone who isn't the king."
Oh. So this was Loki's horse. She would've felt sorry for him, knowing herself what it was like to be controlled by the king, but this horse was obviously not one to let himself be ridden by someone he didn't like. "Perhaps he smells the king on me," she offered with a forced smile.
The man didn't seem convinced, but he shrugged it off. "It's Sleipnir's business who he sniffs at; I'm only here to see to it that he's taken care of." The stallion snorted and bobbed his head, bringing a grin to the stable master's face. "He knows it, too. Did you come here for a mount, miss? Forgive me for saying so, but you don't quite look like you're dressed for a ride."
A blush crept on to her cheeks as she looked down at her gauzy dress and bare feet. "Ah, no, I'm not; I didn't mean to come here, it just sort of…happened. I can leave if I'm disturbing you or the horses." She turned to rush away, but equine teeth took hold of her dress and gently pulled.
"Or not," the man chuckled. He took a close look at Sleipnir, the two seeming to silently communicate, before giving a short nod. "If you don't mind riding bareback- he prefers to go without a saddle, except for courtly functions when it's a must- he'll take you for a ride."
"Really?" She couldn't keep the excitement from her voice. On this beautiful creature, she truly would be free to go anywhere she wanted. "I would love that. Is there, um, a secret to talking to him like you did?"
He laughed again and shook his head. "Years of practice. Just talk to him like you would any other person; he'll understand, and he'll make his answer clear for you. He's obviously not like other horses, though, so you won't be able to control him. You can make suggestions, but it's ultimately up to him."
"Will the king mind?" she asked cautiously, rubbing Sleipnir's nose. "Since this is his horse?" The stallion snorted and shook his head, giving an exasperated eye roll. Carmen laughed. "I'll take that as a no, then?"
"Like I said, what he does is pretty much up to him, and he likes you. Do you need a boost up?"
She blushed and nodded. "That would be great." Despite having ridden since she was small, she wasn't sure enough about mounting while pregnant to risk hurting her baby. Settling onto the horse's back, she asked, "Do we need to come back at a certain time, or…?"
"He can stay out as long as he wants, but if you need to be back at the palace I'm sure he'll take you." The man looked like he was going to say something more, but before he could speak, Sleipnir huffed and butted him out of the way, trotting out of his stall.
"I hope you don't mind if I hold on to your mane," Carmen said as he left the stable. A flick of his ears was the only response she got, so she supposed it was okay. Trying her best not to pull too much, she wrapped her fingers in his silky hair.
Riding Sleipnir was unlike anything she'd ever experienced. There was so much power and strength in his muscled body, not to mention the fact that his gait was different due to his extra legs. It took her a few minutes to adjust herself, but he noticed as soon as she was situated; with a snort of warning, he transitioned from a trot into a canter, and in no time at all they were at a full gallop as he moved towards an open field edged with trees.
Riding like this, with her hair whipping in the wind and the most beautiful horse underneath of her, she could almost forget. She could almost let her troubles slide away like the ground under Sleipnir's feet…but almost wasn't quite enough. It was better than nothing, though, so she took it and ran with it, allowing herself to forget for just one single moment.
They didn't stop until they reached a small pond with a single tree growing beside it, Carmen wishing they didn't have to stop at all. As soon as she slid off of Sleipnir, though, her mind changed. She couldn't help but wince at the ache in her legs, especially her thighs. Not only were the bruises Loki had given her nights before still present, but she hadn't ridden in a while, and adding to that the fact that bareback was the most uncomfortable way to ride a horse, she was in considerable pain. But for the freedom and joy of just escaping, that pain was a small price to pay.
The stallion nuzzled her legs sympathetically as she laid down on the soft grass, then proceeded to take a drink from the pond. He looked pointedly over at her and then the tree, where she noticed a golden fruit hanging from the branches. "I can't move," she sighed, a smile playing on her lips. "Can you…?"
He rolled his eyes and reached up with his slender neck to gingerly pluck one of the fruits, then moved over to place it in her hand. Carmen pulled herself up into a sitting position and took a bite. "That's delicious," she smiled as the sweet juices ran down from her mouth. She started to wipe her face off, laughing and pushing his face away when Sleipnir tried to help out with his wet tongue. "You've got to stop that," she sighed, rubbing his cheek. "I'm not allowed to be happy." The horse cocked his head to the side and gave her a look that asked, Why not?
She swallowed and took another bite of the fruit, stalling. Saying it made her think about it, and thinking about it only hurt. "Someone I love is going to die," she said slowly. "And the only thing I could do to stop it I can't do, so they're, well, they're as good as dead."
The same look as before was his response, along with a shrug.
Carmen shook her head slowly. "If I'm happy, though, it's like I'm forgetting them, saying they don't matter."
Sleipnir nuzzled her face with his soft, whiskery nose, bringing another giggle unbidden to her lips. He snorted and bobbed his head in a nod at that, giving her a look that seemed to say, Wouldn't they want you to be happy?
That made her pause; she hadn't thought of looking at it that way. While she didn't know her baby yet, and likely never would…what child would want to see his mommy sad? It was unsettling to think of herself smiling and happy while her son was doomed to die, but she couldn't let herself fall into despair; what would happen would happen, and since she couldn't change it no matter what, worrying wouldn't help her. If anything, she had to keep up the wild, reckless strength that had spurred her into climbing out of her window. Now that hope had been torn away from her, she was left with what remained: an iron determination and an almost liberating sense of apathy. She was determined to keep on pushing through like she had been, but she didn't have to be so afraid anymore; if he hurt her, it couldn't be any worse than losing her child.
With a sigh, she placed a kiss on his nose and gave a slight smile. She would never have suspected that a horse, even one as special as he was, would be the one to help her come to terms with her present situation. "You're definitely the smartest horse I've ever met."
Sleipnir shrugged and nodded (what other horse could top him?), then promptly collapsed on the ground beside her, stretching his legs out and rubbing his body on the soft grass. He exhaled loudly and closed his dark eyes.
"Are you tired?" Carmen laughed, laying her head down on his side.
He snorted and flicked his tail at her.
"Just taking a little nap, then?" She brushed her hand across his smooth flank and yawned; it must be the baby that was making her feel so tired all of the time. "I think I'll join you; the longer I can stay out here, the better." Part of her wondered how long it would be before Loki sent guards out to look for her. She knew he would, eventually, but she hoped it would be later rather than sooner. But either way, she couldn't do anything to change it; curling up close to Sleipnir's warm body, Carmen closed her eyes and tried to sleep.