She was cold.
Sitting against the back bumper of the ambulance, wrapped in the grey fleece blanket the EMT had offered her, she couldn't stop trembling. Her teeth were clenched against the internal shivers that seized her insides, uncontrollably.
She wasn't in pain. They'd given her a pain reliever, cleaned the blood off her face, prodded her to ensure there were no fractures, but she hadn't felt any of that.
Staring down the alley way, she watched Olivia and Fin standing just outside the line of yellow tape that the NJPD had used to mark the scene. Their stances were tense and defensive, feet planted, arms crossed. They watched every movement like steely sentinels, unwavering from their vigil. She could hear Olivia's voice rise and fall as she stepped forward to point out something or another to one of the local cops before returning to Fin's side.
She wasn't going to leave until she made sure that they'd collected everything and photographed every inch of the ground. Amanda knew this, and she knew she should feel grateful. She should be relieved that it wouldn't be like last time…
Should be…
Ducking her head, she pulled the edges of the blanket over her face, and listened to herself breathe into the enclosed space. She smelled of cigarette smoke, alcohol, and a day's worth of city grime. She could smell him too, the heavy cologne clogging her nostrils…
She started suddenly when she felt a hand touch her arm, her heart jumping to a racing throb in her chest before she could process that it was Olivia in front of her. Not that man…
"Amanda, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you." Olivia apologized quickly, her brow furrowed with concern.
"It's okay…" Amanda whispered, blinking quickly against the stinging of her eyes.
"How are you doing?" Olivia asked, softly, her fingers hovering over Amanda's arm.
"I'm…." Amanda frowned, gazing past her. "I'm okay."
"You don't have to say that to me." Olivia murmured, shifting into her line of sight, her deep, brown eyes swirling with empathy and emotion.
Amanda drew a trembling breath as their eyes locked again. She'd hardly been able to hold anyone's gaze, and even beneath Olivia's gentle eyes, it seemed too vulnerable.
She yanked her gaze back to the ground, staring at her boots against the gravel and concrete.
"I don't even know if I want to do this, Liv." She began, shaking her head. "I mean...it was dark. I was drinking… I don't know-"
"Amanda, stop." Olivia halted her uncertain tone. "You and I both know those are not excuses for a man's behavior."
Amanda frowned, biting her lip slowly as tears burned her eyes. How could she explain to Olivia that what had occurred here was directly contingent to a choice that she had made of her own free will? She wasn't even sure she felt worthy of the fact that Olivia had travelled all the way here to save her life.
She'd planned on killing herself had they not intervened. She'd had no will to live through being raped a second time, violently, by two strangers in a dark alley, and although Fin and Olivia had changed the course of the night, she wondered if her life still meant meant anything. Drifting through Atlantic City had seemed dull and hopeless, but how would returning to New York change anything? Yes, Olivia was here, exactly as she had desired, but it would not be the same. She couldn't open her heart to her any longer, broken by her own choices and the cards that life had dealt her. She'd still nearly killed Lewis. James still had the means to blackmail her. Olivia was still someone bound to someone else...
"They're going to need your statement soon." Olivia said quietly, jarring her from the dark thoughts swirling through her mind. "Do you want me to go over it with you?"
Amanda squeezed her eyes shut, sinking further into the blanket.
No, she didn't want to tell Olivia. She didn't want to explain the self-destructive events that had lead them here, nor detail the way they'd attacked her, and she knew that if she couldn't tell Olivia, she wouldn't be able to tell anyone.
"Amanda…" Olivia whispered, easing down next to her. "Do you remember that night in the hospital after you found me at the beach house?"
Amanda swallowed hard, finally lifting her head. She glanced over at Olivia's tense expression, and her heart clenched because she knew Olivia wouldn't speak of that time without good reason. They'd shared so much, and Olivia was willing to go over it again and again if it would make a difference to Amanda's own assault now.
"Yes…" Amanda whispered, huskily. "How could I forget?"
"I didn't want to do the rape kit." Olivia replied, her frown deepening. "I didn't want to consider the possibility. I didn't want to make anything more real than it already was… I was afraid… But do you remember when you started taking the photos of my injuries?"
She nodded, haltingly, pressing her lips together as she tried to swallow the knot in her throat.
"I told you I trusted you because you understood what I had been through, and then you said something…..Something I didn't quite believe yet." Olivia went on, her eyes shimmering softly in the red and blue of the ambulance lights. "You said 'I won't let you down'."
Amanda looked away sharply, biting her lower lip as tears surged in her chest.
But I have let you down! She internally screamed, tilting head back as she tried to blink about the tears.
"Are- are you saying I'll let you down if I don't pursue this?" She asked in a rough, miserable whisper, lifting a hand to quickly dash away the tears slipping impetuously from the corner of her eye.
"No, God, no." Olivia insisted, clasping her shoulders, suddenly.
She pulled Amanda towards her, and cupped her cheek until Amanda's gaze flicked towards her. Her fingers were soft but insistent against her jaw, a touch that bore a strength and understanding, compassion and tenderness.
"I'm saying," Olivia murmured, "I won't let you down."
Amanda immediately glanced downwards, fighting tears once more. She'd spent the past few weeks pouring every single ounce of her time and effort and love into Olivia, but standing on the other side of the equation, she did not feel entitled to Olivia's devotion. It felt misplaced when she had turned her back and run from everything she'd sworn she wouldn't. Even now, with Olivia's concern clearly in place she could not open her mouth and speak the truth. She was going to lie to her, and she'd lie to her for the rest of her life if only Olivia would never know the things she had done here.
"Will you let me hear you?" Olivia asked, quietly, a stark juxtaposition to her internal monologue.
"I-I don't know." She whispered, staring down at her hands as Olivia clasped both of theirs together, firmly.
Tears swam in her eyes, fighting to escape down her cheeks, as she guiltily wondered how she could avoid telling Olivia any of what had happened before they'd taken in her into the alley. She could hardly imagine looking in her soft, amber gaze, and crushing her with the truth that she'd willingly, albeit drunkenly, followed another woman into her room, and flung herself so passionately into a one night stand. Though nothing more than a kiss had happened between her and Olivia, she had no desire to tell her that she'd slept with someone else, much less a married woman. Even the thought of Olivia's disappointment and disapproval heaved upon her chest a one hundred pound weight of despair.
"You can tell me, honey." Olivia whispered, her voice full of compassion and empathy that Amanda felt sick for accepting.
"I don't know who they were." She finally whispered, her throat clenched with dread. "They came up to me in the casino, and said I needed to come with them. I thought they were security, and I told them I hadn't cheated at any of the tables. B-but I think I was wrong…"
"They don't work for the casino?" Olivia asked, listening so intently that Amanda felt crushed with shame over her intention to mislead her with false facts of her assault.
She shrugged, wrestling tears of guilt and horror.
"I guess they followed me, and thought I was an easy target since I was alone." She shrugged, rationalizing the somewhat believable storyline through the emotion clogging her throat.
She wished that Olivia wouldn't ask so many questions, that she wouldn't be so thorough in her search for the escaped perpetrator, and the reasons why he and his cohort had dragged her into the alley.
"So you don't know them at all?" Olivia asked, rubbing her thumbs over the back of Amanda's hands. "Did you see them follow you before tonight?"
"No? I've never seen them before." Amanda murmured, staring hard at Olivia's hands, and her neatly manicured nails.
The vision blurred before her eyes, and she clenched her eyes shut, wishing she could pull her hands away from Olivia's gentle ones and flee from the entire situation. Escaping the consequences of this night seemed a far less painful solution, but she knew better. She'd been here before, and she'd tried to wash away every reminder or thought of Patton, but he'd stayed with her through the sleepless nights and agonizing days, long after she'd passed beyond his thoughts.
"Miss Rollins, Miss Benson?" A man's deep voice shattered their small bubble at the back of the ambulance and Amanda glanced up to see the detective who had arrived at scene approaching. "We'll need to get a thorough statement from both of you. We can go down to the precinct if you'd like."
"Amanda, would that be more comfortable for you?" Olivia asked her, attempting to catch her gaze again.
"Yeah." Amanda whispered, quickly extracting her hands from Olivia's and rising from her seat.
She was eager to flee from Olivia's intense gaze and probing questions, and she knew the detective would not dedicate so much care to her case as Olivia would. She'd give them the details, they'd question the suspect that Fin had caught, but she knew already what he'd say.
She wanted it. It was consensual. She liked it rough. All the words that she had heard before, spit in her face and whispered behind her back.
In a month's time this overworked cop would forget who she even was. But she would never forget. She wouldn't be able to escape this, but maybe she could escape the truth of why. If she had to be ashamed of what they'd done to her, then why did she also have to be ashamed of what she had done to herself?
xxxxx
The digital clock on Fin's dashboard read 3:06AM when Amanda felt the car rumble to a stop, awaking her for the short, fitful slumber she'd unintentionally fallen into. She was slumped against Olivia's shoulder in the backseat, and their fingers had become intertwined in Olivia's lap. For a moment, she could hardly keep her eyes open.
The trip to the Atlantic City PD had stretched on until 2 AM, leaving Amanda exhausted and distraught. They'd gone over her story several times, taken photos of her bruised face and ribs, questioned her on the details until she'd become ill with the lies that she'd repeated over and over again to the detectives. She was sabotaging the investigation before it even began, and she knew what a mistake it was; however, she couldn't stop herself from hiding the shame of what had happened before the alley and inside it's damning brick walls.
When they'd finally been able to leave, Fin had suggested they rent a hotel for the night and drive back to New York in the morning. Amanda had complied, unable to find some other solution. They weren't going to leave her here alone again, and although she knew she didn't want to stay in Atlantic City, a part of her did not want to go back to New York either. The consequences of her actions at Bellevue awaited her as well as Captain Cragen's condemnation. Her humiliation could only be more complete with his knowledge of what she had done with his gracious offer of uncensured time off.
Returning to New York meant facing every reason she had left to begin with. Lewis, James, and most of all Olivia. She'd hovered over Amanda through the ordeal at the NJPD precinct, watching with concern and compassion, and Amanda could hardly bear her kindness. She'd held her hand, and whispered that she wanted to help in any way she could, but it only made Amanda feel worse for lying so blatantly to her.
As they pulled up at the hotel, Olivia shifted, rubbing her arm with her opposite hand.
"Amanda, sweetie, we're here." She murmured, her own voice rough with physical and mental weariness.
Amanda nodded slowly, and sat up, blinking hard against the cobwebs of sleep that had so quickly descended upon her. Olivia seemed hesitant to let go of her hand, but Amanda retracted her fingers into her lap as Fin put the car in park. Olivia glanced over at her, her gaze searching Amanda's for the connection she'd been struggling to make with her for the past several hours, but Amanda could hardly meet her eyes.
Finally, Olivia quietly turned towards the door, and pushed it open. Amanda slid out after her, and she could hear Fin speaking in low tones to Olivia, but she couldn't focus on the words. All she could think of was getting to the hotel bed, and burying herself beneath the covers for as many unconscious hours as she could.
The parking lot was eerily silent as they trekked towards the hotel save for the distant sounds of morning traffic. It was nearly a new day, but in Amanda's mind, she felt trapped inside these past twenty four hours, a constant loop of fear and guilt.
Olivia's hand hovered at her back as they reached the hotel, and Fin held the door open for them. She wanted terribly to turn into her embrace, and hide from the world in the softness of her breast, but she couldn't. She'd made her decision upon leaving New York, and she couldn't change that now.
Fin approached the desk, and began to speak with the clerk while Amanda and Olivia waited quietly behind him. She could feel Olivia's eyes on her, and she stared down at the neutral colored tiles of the hotel's floor, praying the booking process would be quick.
"Actually," Olivia's voice jarred her from her dissociation, and glanced up quickly to see her speaking to the clerk. "Amanda and I can share a room."
"Okay, just two rooms then?" The clerk repeated with a polite smile.
Fin glanced over at her, as if waiting for her to add to the decision, but the words felt choked in her throat. She'd shared her bed with Olivia many times during their week together, but things then had been so very different. Her intentions had been much different….
"I...uh, sure." She stumbled over the words, and her gaze unwittingly found Olivia's.
Her brown eyes held the same unwavering compassion, but Amanda could see the determination winding through each fleck of amber and gold. An interrogation was coming as soon as the door of their shared room shut behind them, and her stomach seized with apprehension. It wasn't as though she'd expected her lies to hold out forever, especially with New York's most intuitive detective, but she had hoped they'd last as long as this night.
"I've got the bill." Fin was saying to which Olivia offered the customary argument.
Amanda turned slowly away from them, wrapping her arms around herself as she shivered with dread. How could she possibly look into Olivia's eyes and admit to essentially selling her body for a place to sleep, for a little fucking company, for some reason to feel anything at all? How could she explain that she'd recklessly and knowingly slept with a married woman? The story of strangers attacking her was much more palatable and simple than a revenge rape executed by a powerful man's lackeys, but now she'd also have to admit to lying...
If she breaks me… She finished the thought with flagging determination.
She'd watched Olivia tear apart a perpetrator's story from the inside out, witnessed the way she was able to draw the truth from a survivor's unwillingly lips. Amanda had spent her entire adult life lying to herself and the world, but within a week of growing so intimately close with Olivia she'd spilled one of her most closely kept secrets. Olivia knew her truth about Patton, and Amanda feared that soon she'd know the truth of this night as well.
"Amanda…" Olivia's soft tone startled her, and she felt her fingers touch her back again before settling against her side. "Come on. Let's get you in bed."
Amanda nodded quickly, following Olivia's lead as she headed towards the elevator. Fin trailed behind them, and they filed into the small space. Fin pressed the button for the second floor as Amanda sank against the wall, still unable to lift her eyes from the floor. Olivia's hand stayed at her back, her fingers squeezing in a gentle caress that caused the lump in Amanda's throat to swell. She didn't deserve the attentiveness or kindness, and her conscience burned with the lies she'd told and her actions which had lead them here.
The elevator dinged sharply as it swayed to a halt at their floor, and Amanda hesitated as the doors began to open.
"I'll be down the hall you ladies need me." Fin offered as he stepped off first.
"Thanks, Fin." Olivia murmured, directing Amanda towards the exit.
Amanda bit her lip, her body trembling softly with dismay as she unsteadily left the protective, public space of the elevator. Soon, they'd be alone, and she was terrified of the honesty that Olivia seemed to magically extract from her.
Trailing down the hallway after Olivia, Amanda tried to stem the silent panic overtaking her body, but she could barely contain her shallow breathing as Olivia unlocked the door to their room with a quick swipe of the key card.
They stepped inside, and the heavy door began to swing shut behind them.
"Liv…." Amanda began to whisper, haltingly, hoping to stop the inquiries before they even started.
But then Olivia turned, the last of the light from the hall falling across her strained expression. Tears were glimmering in the other woman's eyes, and as the door closed heavily, she felt Olivia's hands grasp her arms. She sank back against the wall as Olivia's body pressed into her own, and their foreheads met, leaving bare inches of space between their lips.
"Amanda..." Olivia whispered her name, her voice ragged as her hands slid up her shoulders and to her face.
Clasping Amanda's cheeks, she pressed her lips to hers, a shocking sensation after two weeks of nothing, of barren silence and loneliness. She was frozen beneath Olivia's gentle hands, reeling as the taste of her rushed across her senses, too quickly for her to fight. She could already feel herself crumbling, falling to pieces beneath overwhelming needs and desires, and she wanted so badly to give herself over to the safety of Olivia's embrace.
She could hear Olivia's thready breaths as she pulled back slowly, leaving trembling kisses against her cheek and chin. Amanda wanted more than anything to lift her hands, and hold onto her, bury herself in this moment until all of her mistakes had been lost from her memory, but she couldn't. She'd given up this chance over two weeks ago...
"Liv, I…" She began, her fingers scaling upwards to Olivia's wrists.
She pulled Olivia's hands slowly from her face, squeezing her eyes shut against rapidly rising tears.
"I can't…" She whispered, her voice achingly tight with tears.
"Amanda, listen to me…" Olivia whispered, passionately. "I know you're afraid, and ashamed, and you feel alone, and I understand all of that...but I want you to know you can trust me. You can tell me what happened. What really happened."
"Unggg...god..." Amanda groaned, scraping her hands over her face as emotion quickly rushed to the surface.
She had still hoped in some naive part of her head that her performance had been enough to fool Olivia, but she hadn't been nearly as convincing as she needed to be to slip past Olivia's notice. The churning of her gut hadn't been a simple case of guilt or anxiety, but the distinct realization that Olivia would discover the truth, in some way or another, and sooner rather than later.
It was dark in the room, but it still wasn't enough to hide the shame spreading across her face in quick rushes of red and unchecked tears. She'd fallen to a low that even Olivia could not comprehend, to a place that a woman like Olivia would never even think of.
When she felt Olivia's arms slip around her, the tears rose like a tide in her throat. She slumped down into her chest, sobbing into her hands as Olivia caught her, and held her tight.
"Shhh…" She heard Olivia hum.
Olivia's fingers were in her hair, stroking the back of her head with a slow, soothing motion, but it did nothing to quell the aching self hatred winding through her chest. Her knees quavered beneath her, and she felt herself slipping, nearly collapsing to the floor.
"Whoa, whoa…." Olivia whispered, her arms tightening around her midsection and bearing her up.
If not for the other woman Amanda knew she would not be standing. She might not even be alive, and the realization hit her all over again that she owed Olivia so much, and yet she had so little with which she could repay her.
Digging her face into Olivia's neck, she clenched her arms around her shoulders, and let herself be dragged to the bed. Olivia began to lie her down, but Amanda could not bring herself to let go, even for a moment. They instead tumbled onto the mattress, Olivia bent over her in a protective shield. The scent of her filled Amanda's nostrils and she clung to her harder, afraid that this moment would pass away from her once Olivia knew the truth.
"Shh, it's okay, my sweet girl." Olivia's murmured to her, the tenderness of her voice drawing the urge to break close to the surface.
Amanda trembled, panting haltingly as the panicked hysteria began to slowly decline, even as her desire to spill out every hideous and unbearable secret filled her chest. She'd rarely trusted someone with things so intimate and shameful, and when she had, she'd always ended up alone. She feared most that what had happened in Atlantic City would change Olivia's perception of her forever, and that their time together would become only a bittersweet memory in her mind. She feared losing Olivia, perhaps, more than anything she'd ever feared before.
Truth rested at her tongue, but the terror in her heart would not let it be heard.
Tilting her head back slowly, she loosened her arms just enough to align their faces. In the dark she could barely make out Olivia's features and the glistening of her eyes. Sliding one hand from her back to her cheek, she traced the prominent line of her jaw. She was shaking with every desire to throw herself into Olivia's body, every instinct to latch on to what could soon be taken from her.
Angling Olivia's mouth close to hers, she whispered, in a broken, raspy tone, "Kiss me again...and this time... don't stop."