Are you ready for another round of CRINGY SELF INSERT FANFIC? *airhorns blare*
Update: I reuploaded part 3 with commentary! Apparently I forgot to save before uploading it before... my bad lol
LET THE ROASTING BEGIN
Two people sat in Arthur's chambers, four stood; three on one side of the table, three on the other. Merlin glared at Viviane. Viviane glared at Ronnie. The cook looked nervous, the queen did too though her smile remained. She literally could do nothing else with her face. Arthur sat there calmly. This is... the most confusing scene set up ever. Was I trying to be dramatic? suspenseful? Not using names doesn't make things more serious. It just makes things confusing.
"… Then we rode away from the cliff back to Camelot. And, that's what happened." Arthur finished retelling the happenings of earlier. Do you usually give all the details to the people your interrogating before you ask them questions? Arthur, you are the worst detective. "What do you have to say for yourself?" All three of the accused started talking at once. Arthur raised a hand and they fell silent. "Starting with you." He pointed towards the cook.
"Milord, I swear I didn't milord. I would never do something like that milord." She stammered shaking heavily. The cooks name was actually Milord. Like gollum, she had been cursed with a weird cough due to a sickness of the mind, which lead her to make the sound throughout her speech involuntarily. Such, a pitiful creature, there was no way she was the killer.
"It's alright, no one's angry, we're just trying to limit the possibilities. How about you start from when you first heard about it." Arthur said, smiling. The cook took a deep breath before she started.
"Well milord. I was in the kitchen wasn't I. Given little Ginny a what for wasn't I. Poor Ginny. Spilled flour all over the floor she did. I was telling her to give it a good scrubbing so we wouldn't have little white foots all over the castle, that's right. Then, just when I sent her off Ronnie came up and told me-"
"Immediately after you sent Ginny away?" Arthur asked questioningly. It was a question which he asked... questioningly... you know... in case you didn't see the question mark... basically this is the equivalent of writing "Immediately after you sent Ginny away?" Arthur said.
"Yes milord. It was right after, I'm sure. Cause I wasn't paying attention was I. And I didn't hear him comin up behind me. Scared the bloomin daylights out of me he did. " All bad guys are notorious for sneaking around unnecessarily. He must be the bad guy!
"And what did he tell you?" Arthur asked, chuckling slightly.
"Well, he said that milord and milady were goin on a picnic. And that I was to make a lunch for them." The cook accounted, thinking back.
"And he didn't say anything about where we where going?" Arthur double-checked.
"No sir. Just to get it ready." The cook nodded. Arthur smiled.
"Thank you, you may go back to your duties now. Thank you for your time." He said. The cook curtsied and scuttled out of the room before the monarchs could realize the fatal flaw with her story. There was no kitchen maid named Ginny! "Now, Ronnie. What do you have to say for yourself."
"My Lord. You never told me you were going to the cliff my lord." Ronnie said calmly. "You just said you were going on a picnic. And that I was to tell the cook to make a picnic lunch." Wow... well if it wasn't Ronnie or the cook then it must be...
"And then there was one." Merlin said, glaring at Viviane. Arthur glanced at Merlin before continuing.
"Alright Viviane. Can you tell me what you were doing it the woods during the picnic?" Arthur asked. Ronnie, who had been leaving paused at the door and looked back curiously.
"My lord…" Viviane started "I'm afraid I cannot." She finished. Gwen let out a small gasp.
"And why can you not?" Arthur asked shifting slightly so his hand rested on his sword. She was masturbating and this book had to be kept pg13.
"I cannot tell you that either." Viviane admitted. It was too soon to be breaking the 4th wall.
"Is there anything you can tell me that will in anyway prove your innocence?" Arthur asked. Merlin tensed up with anger.
"I can." Viviane said suddenly. Everyone looked at her in surprise. She smiled. Time to Sherlock this case. "I can tell you two things. One: never, in your explanation of what happened did you mention the cliff." Then Viviane spun around and pointed at Ronnie. "He, however, said himself that you never told him that you were going to the cliff." There was a pause. Then Ronnie shot off like a cannon. Smoke and the smell of gunpowder filled the room. Everyone was astounded by this technology since cannons would not be invented for another several decades. The remains of Ronnie were splattered against the wall in a goey mess. He should have aimed for a window. Merlin and Viviane following in close pursuit. There were now three human pancakes. Arthur jumped up and ran around the table, banging his knee on the corner in the process. It hurt far worse than any of the three people being launched into the wall. Viviane and Merlin breathed heavily as they raced through the winding hallways after the page. Then halted suddenly as they came to a fork. It was just lying on the ground, prongs pointing towards the ceiling.
"This is a safety hazard!" Merlin said picking up the fork and tucking it into his belt. Then they noticed that the hallway split into two separate paths.
"Which way did he go?" Merlin asked, breathed heavily.
"Split up!" Viviane shouted then took of down the left passage as Merlin went down the right. Then took of down the left... that's a logical group of words.
Ronnie panted like a dog as he dashed through the halls, knocking people over in the process. It was the full moon and he was turning into a werewolf. He looked behind him. There were no pursuers in sight. He smiled through canine fangs. Just a little farther and he was safe. Suddenly that girl from before dashed out in front of him. He skidded to a stop, looking around frantically. Werewolves are apparently blind to things directly in front of them.
"Dead end." Viviane smiled cockily. Ronnie, panicking, grabbed the candle stand next to him and swung it at Viviane. She jumped back, but not quick enough to completely avoid the heavy object. She gritted her teeth and tried to disarm the man. But he swung the rod again hitting Viviane full in the chest. The wind rushed out of her lungs and she crumpled to the ground gasping painfully. Ronnie brought the rod down once again before rushing off. Murder.
Merlin swung around the corner and rushed to Viviane's side. Even though he was going in the literal opposite direction. Her breath was coming in ragged gasps and she was bleeding heavily from the blow to her head. Merlin looked up at the escaping man then back at Viviane. He was getting away! But… He was a good guy so he had to put saving the life of this person he has hated and disliked literally since he met her, before capturing the spy who tried to assassinate the king.
"I'll get him!" Arthur shouted to Merlin as he hurtled past, charging down the hall at full speed. Deus ex Machina! Merlin nodded, though Arthur couldn't see it, and picked Viviane up in his arms. He only spent a second to notice how light she was before he headed quickly to Gaius's chambers. Since this was like... the second time they had physical contact, they were basically engaged already.
Gaius was there when Merlin burst into the room. Viviane was laid on the bed and Gaius immediately started to look at the head wound of the author who wrote this. Clearly she had one. Viviane tried to open her eyes, but she only managed for a second before they flickered shut again. She had been turned into one of those baby dolls who's eyes only open when you sit them up.
"Gaius" she rasped. "I can't see!"
"Shhh" Gaius quieted "Don't strain yourself."
"Gaius" she repeated sitting up ever so slightly. She whispered something in his ear. Merlin strained to hear, but couldn't make it out. Gaius straightened up and looked at Merlin for a second thinking.
"Merlin, you should go check and make sure Arthur is alright." Gaius said finally. #goboy #bewithurtruelove
"Arthur can take care of himself." Merlin dismissed. #imengaged #muststaytrue
"Merlin!" Gaius said loudly. #BOYUANDARTHURWEREMADEFOREACHOTHER Merlin paused for a moment and looked from Gaius to the barely conscious Viviane.
"Fine." He said finally and headed out the door at a trot. #sorrybby #arthurimcoming He found Arthur at the servant's entrance; Ronnie was there as well with his hands bound behind him.
"Take him to the dungeon." Arthur told to guards nearby. They saluted and lead the captive man away. They had been there the whole time and were lazy so refused to actually help unless directly ordered by their supervisor (just like some of my coworkers funny enough)
"We'll question him later to find out who was behind this." Arthur said turning to Merlin. "How's Viviane?" Arthur asked, noting the worried expression on his servants face.
"I don't know." Merlin admitted. "Gaius sent me to check on you." #heshipsit Arthur patted Merlin on the back. #idotoomerlin #letsgogetfreaky "It's just, I accused her so strongly and now she's hurt and-" tears glimmered on the edge of his eyes, but Merlin pushed them away, smashing his hand it his face. The violent facepalm was not an unusual reaction for canon characters after being written into stupid romances with various OCs.
"Alright, alright." Arthur said, laughing slightly #wecanbonelater "No need to get emotional about it. Gaius is an amazing physician. He'll fix her up." Arthur laughed again as Merlin finished wiping his tears. "Go up and tell Gaius that everything's good down here. Alright?" Merlin nodded and headed back. But when he walked into the room it was empty. He ran to the window just in time to see Gaius and Viviane take off on horseback out of the courtyard and through the town. They had decided to elope. Merlin felt a brief moment of conflict over the age gap between the two characters but quickly got over it as he realized he could now be with his true love.
NEW.oOo.SCENE
It was night when they returned. They being the nightmares. Merlin was asleep at the table, were he had been waiting for them to come back. Often he had been plauged by these nightmares. Random OCs showing up, poorly planned plots to kill the king, unnecessary alliteration. They ahunted him nightly. Gaius sighed. The poor boy had been through too many.
"That boy is going to catch a cold like that." He shook his head disapprovingly. He cared for Merlin as the son he'd never had. To be plauged by such nightmare pained Gaius almost as much as it did Merlin. Suddenly, a shadowy OC like figure appeared behind Merlin.
Viviane, in perfect health, smiled and put a blanket over his shoulders. Some nightmares... were real.
"Goodnight Gaius." Viviane said, climbing the ladder.
Gaius watched the pointlessly mysterious woman ascend the later. A shiver ran up his spine and a lump formed in his throat. "Goodnight."
END OF EPISODE 1!
Stay tuned for the new, exciting, pointlessly dramatic, plot contrived narration, and pointless dialogue of EPISODE 2 of "Lady Viviane: How NOT to Write an Original Character"!