She'd left logic somewhere at the door, where they'd stumbled inside, and the bindings of their composure had come loose in the space between them. God, she knew it was foolish, and she knew it could all come crashing down on her in the morning light as they faced the consequences, but Amanda was so sweet beneath her, trembling with a need that she could not overlook.
When she'd found her in the alleyway, the world had come to a halt. Every reason she'd had not to open her eyes to what was in her heart had disintegrated into nothing, burnt down to ashes in the face of certain terror. The prospect of Amanda being raped for the second time in her life and the slim chances of her recovery from it had been almost too much to bear. She'd been struggling to survive herself, barely scraping by each day with the memories of what Lewis had done and forced her to watch, but standing at the mouth of the alley, she'd forgotten all of it. Her reason to live was lying in the dirt, bleeding and beaten, violated in a way that Olivia could only imagine, and she'd understood then. All those nights they'd spend together, all the trauma that they'd shared, the stolen glances, the kisses that she knew shouldn't have happened, had all built itself into something much more intense and passionate than she'd ever known.
Her throat had been tight as she'd pressed Amanda against the wall, aching to release everything that had been burgeoning between them for three long weeks, and she hadn't been able to stop herself from dragging her close and kissing her. She'd wanted to tell her how she'd felt, seeing her lying against the cold pavement. How she'd felt for the fourteen, horrible days they'd been apart, so alone and lost. How leaving that hotel room and returning to Brian had been the biggest mistake of her life, but that she knew that now.
She'd wanted to hold her close and protect her, let her know she could tell her everything, every mortifying, terrifying detail. She wouldn't turn away. She wouldn't leave….
And, god, she knew this was reckless too, abandoning honesty in exchange for this desperate indulgence. The hard, gritty bits of what lay between them couldn't hide forever in lustful kisses and passionate nights of their bodies tangling together into one mess of pleasure and sweat, but for tonight it could - and she knew that for now, she was going to let it happen over and over again.
She didn't know what Amanda hid behind her glistening, blue eyes and her trembling, clenched lips, but when Amanda had sobbed beneath her, clinging to her like she was all she had left, her will had shattered. Her fear of pain, and betrayal, of love itself, had given way to Amanda's clinging fingertips, and she hadn't been able to stop herself from unraveling upon her soft, quivering belly.
She'd barely risen from between her thighs, and Amanda's hands were grasping at her, quaking and needy in the wake of the pleasure. She was so small beneath her, so pliable and open to her hands, and the severity of their intimacy wedged emotion deep in Olivia's chest. She knew she should stop, lie her down and wipe the tears from her cheeks, but she was whimpering, begging still.
She'd never felt so close to another human being, and after that night in the bathtub, she'd thought she would never have another moment such as that again. Now, after two weeks of barren, aching loneliness, the sudden of ecstasy of being with her, of needing her and being needed by her, sucked the resistance straight from her veins.
She was acutely aware of every inch of Amanda's naked body beneath her, her soft arms and supple breasts, her quivering belly and her legs curling on either side of her. Her hips were quaking with desire against her, and Olivia pressed her eyes shut against the hot burn kindling in her own groin. Her nose was pressed into Amanda's hair, and she smelled like cigarettes and sun, and her.
God, help me… She felt intoxicated by her.
She dragged her face down into Amanda's neck, burying her face in her flesh because she couldn't stop her hands from roaming down her body. She was soft and reactive, shivering and prickling with goosebumps at the barest touch, and desire was a spear slicing through Olivia's body with unerring precision.
She'd never felt such a pull in her body, so intense that she could almost forget everything else that existed beyond this hotel room. Every single inch of her ached, and she knew, suddenly, with certainty that it would never leave her.
"Oh, god…" She heard Amanda groan, that same whisper-thin tone ragged with pleasure.
Her fingers were trailing down Amanda's stomach, and she could already feel the heat emanating from below. Her jaw burned with salivation, and she swallowed slowly, tasting the remnants of her arousal at the back of her throat. Every single part of her wanted to drop between her legs again, but she knew by the scratchy tone of Amanda's voice and the way her hips arched into her hand that she needed more.
"Liv…" Her voice was raw, torn up with desire. "I need you…"
The whimper brought a sharp ache through her, and she barely raised her voice to assure her, huskily, once more, "Just tell me what you need."
Amanda's throat bobbed with a thick swallow, and she whispered, "In me…"
Oh, god… She bit back the curse at Amanda's raspy tone as intense washes of arousal seized her midsection.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she could imagine the vulnerability, the absolute trust, it had taken for Amanda's desires to culminate to this point, and for a moment she could scarcely believe that she was the one holding her, listening to that quiet instruction; but she was, and she had never wanted one thing as deeply as wanted this intimacy, this closeness, this bond.
Pressing a kiss to Amanda's collarbone, she roughly promised, "I've got you."
Her hand was shaking as she spread her palm down Amanda's stomach. Her fingertips encountered the soft, blonde curls first, and she felt Amanda suck in a deep breath. Her own heart thudded loudly in her ears with fresh uncertainty and sharp anticipation. Despite what she'd just done to Amanda's body, the next act seemed even more invasive and intense.
Do you trust me? The words stuck in her throat because she wasn't even sure she trusted herself. The thought of hurting her was ever present in the back of her mind, and she touched her tenderly, with as much care as she could wind into her fingertips.
Her hand slipped down into the hot alcove between her legs, and she smothered a moan into Amanda's neck as her fingertips grazed her swollen clit. Amanda seized against her, her breath hissing into a moan as she reached further. She was wet, so wet, her engorged folds parting easily beneath her touch.
"Amanda…" She finally groaned into her flesh as she clasped her mound with a trembling grip.
The tips of her fingers were inside of her already, and for a moment, she could barely make another move. The feeling of her so aroused and aching for her left her breathless, head spinning.
"Liv…" Amanda whispered, her voice strained and ragged, as she clenched her arms tighter around her. "F-fuck…."
Her hips quivered and arched towards Olivia's wavering grasp, and in one, slick motion, her fingers became buried inside her. She heard the air leave Amanda's lungs, and her own inhales were fractured and truncated as she hunched over her, trying to think past the hot clench of Amanda's body, trying to fucking move.
She squeezed the fine strands of Amanda's blond hair in one fist, dragging her head back in order to get her lips against her throat again. She focused on the pounding of her pulse beneath her pale flesh, and curled her fingers slowly inside of her, moaning at the softness of her inner passage.
Amanda hitched a breath, arching beneath her in a wanton plea. Her fingers were clutched against Olivia's back, bunching her shirt up until her nails could find bare skin, and Olivia dragged her teeth over Amanda's neck in sharp response.
She thrust into her then, surging between her legs as the intensity of their desires shattered the shocked limbo they'd fallen into. Amanda's feet dug into the bed, and she tilted her hips up, meeting the motion of Olivia's hand, gasping as she took in the length of her fingers to the hilt of her knuckles.
Olivia could hear herself panting heavily, and above her labored exhales, the sound of Amanda's own pleasure. Her short nails dragged up her back again as she clung to her, choking out high pitched whimpers. Every inch of her was trembling, and Olivia had to remind herself.
Slow, slow, slow the fuck down….
Every second of touching her presented a possibility of hurting her, and she could hardly stand the conflicting desires broiling in her chest. She wanted to crush her. She wanted to protect her. She wanted to pin her hips to the bed in frantic pursuit of her climax. She wanted to wrap her in her arms, and heal every wound she possibly could. She wanted the gentle and the fervent, the soft and the hard, and she grappled for the line between the two, lest she be swept away in her own desires.
Sinking down against her, she pressed her forehead to Amanda's chest, and squeezed her eyes shut against blinding urges. Beneath her, Amanda mewled, her hips grinding in pleading circles against her hand, and Olivia moaned, the uncontainable desire bursting through her again.
Trembling with the force of it, she asserted her thumb against the swollen, flushed bud of her clitoris, dragging a slow circle around the sensitive flesh.
"Oh, Jesus…" Amanda gasped above her, her nails finding Olivia's back once more.
Olivia groaned at the soft, pinpricks of pain, and the absolute pleasure of holding her captive upon her hand. Dragging her mouth down, she caught Amanda's nipple in her mouth once, sucking sharply as she scrubbed her fingers deep into her sensitive parts.
Amanda shuddered, her body jerking and arching beneath her, whimpers rising from her throat. She was squeezing Olivia hard, her nails biting, every inch of her wound tight with the pleasure. When one set of fingers tangled into her hair, Olivia didn't resist the rough direction of her mouth being suffocated against her breast. The desperate handling of her body only pushed the emotions more intensely through her veins, singeing her eyes and nose, burning deep into her heart.
It wasn't anything like the way she'd felt last night, pinned beneath Brian's body, trapped yet so out of control. She'd felt like she spinning into the sky, ungrounded and unstable, with no safe landing place in sight. She'd been afraid and ashamed, so fucking ashamed, hiding beneath clothing she'd refused to let him remove. He hadn't seen her scars. There were only a few people who'd seen the things Lewis had done to her, and aside from doctors, the woman beneath her made up every single one of them.
For all of her fear, for all of the things she didn't know, she knew one thing for sure. There was no one else, no other person, that she wanted to spend this night with or share this intimacy with. The rest of her life had gone to hell, slipped away from her into the flames of Lewis's destruction, but there was one thing that he couldn't take away, and she lay beneath Olivia, beautiful, soft and safe.
A safe place to land…
Her breath blasted through nose, heavy as the emotions filled her chest and her eyes. Clinging to Amanda, she she surged into her with the weight of her whole body, and Amanda rose with her, greeting the impact with soft cry.
Olivia's mouth trembled against Amanda's breast, and she was suddenly glad that she couldn't speak because she didn't know the things she would say, words that she wanted so badly to burst out, things that couldn't be taken back. Squeezing her eyes shut, she fit her hand beneath Amanda's neck, focusing steadily on the feeling of her flesh and blood beneath her fingers. She couldn't think of the fleeting, elusive emotions swirling in her heart, couldn't dare to trust it, no matter how much she wanted to.
Holding Amanda's close to her, she abandoned slow, deliberate motions. Bearing down against her, tears slipping from the corners of her tightly clenched eyes, she pumped her fingers into her quaking body. Her arm was already burning, aching with passion, but she ignored each slow sizzle of pain through her muscles, and rubbed her thumb in sharp circles over her clit with each thrust.
Above her, Amanda had lost her voice to ragged moans, her curses ground down to nothing more than overwrought whimpers. She was shaking, sweating and rigid as Olivia felt her tighten down upon her fingers. She gasped when Amanda lurched beneath her suddenly, her cries rising to a strangled scream.
She tore her mouth of Amanda's chest, her wide, wet eyes taking in the length of Amanda's neck as her head rolled back, then her enraptured expression as the orgasm took her a second time.
"Yeah, baby…" She rasped, her tongue feeling thick and useless in her mouth as her own body flushed with pleasure at the sight of Amanda twisting beneath her.
Her pale flesh was splotched with red across her chest, neck, and face, her cherry lips parted to release the sweetest moans that Olivia had ever heard. Against her shining perspiring face, her blonde hair was tossed in stray waves over her high cheekbones, and when her eyes slipped slowly back to Olivia's, the depth of their blue expanse caught her and struck her breathless.
She felt as though her heart was bursting, imploding upon itself because she'd never witnessed something so beautiful, so completely whole that she knew she'd never want again.
Amanda reached up, grasping at Olivia's arm. Her brow furrowed and she bit her lower lip as the final spasms of the climax washed over her. Finally, she lapsed back against the bed, her chest rising and falling sharply. Her fingers quivered against Olivia's arm, and her eyes darted across Olivia's expression, searching. Olivia ducked her head, bending over her soft stomach once more, afraid of what her own gaze would give away in the heat of the moment.
Amanda's hand trailed to the back of her head as Olivia pressed her cheek against her undulating stomach, staring with uncertainty into the dark, her breath trembling. Her fingers were still buried inside Amanda's body, and she feared to pull away, terrified that it would all shatter in front of her.
The moment was frozen perfectly here, the warmth of afterglow burning just brightly enough to overshadow the darkness that crept along the edges. If she glanced over her shoulder, she knew she'd see it, crawling with insidious blackness beneath the door, hear it scratching at the walls like some evil beast. Lying against Amanda's chest, she was safe, cocooned inside this veil of pleasure, but it was a frail shield they'd built. At any second, the demons they'd fled from could demolish the illusion of happiness, stomping the fire between them to cold ashes.
She knew Amanda could feel it too by her echoing silence, and the slow dance of her fingers through her hair. Squeezing her eyes, Olivia suppressed the encroaching dread, praying she could hold on to this small slice heaven in the midst of the darkness, but soon she was trembling, aching with unreleased emotion.
Her search for Amanda had somehow kept her sane over the past few days. She'd felt like a cop again, holding on almost desperately to the fire of determination, but that semblance of control was gone now. All that was left was the two of them, and the reality of what had happened to them - in an alley, in a beach house, in the deepest parts of their souls.
A raw cry reached up her throat, and she pressed her face into Amanda's stomach to muffle the sound, but she felt the other woman tense beneath her.
"Liv?" Her voice was still husky, but sharp with concern.
She sat up quickly, groaning quietly as Olivia's fingers slipped out of her. Grabbing her arms, Amanda pulled her up against her, and Olivia weakly followed her direction. She felt like a waterfall splitting open against rock as she collapsed against the bed. Amanda was on top of her, and her arms were around her, but it didn't stop her from spilling over.
"Liv…" Amanda whispered, cradling her head as she pressed kisses to her temple. "It'll be okay… don't think…"
Olivia whimpered, savoring each burst of warmth from Amanda's lips, clinging to every kiss as she drank the tears trickling from her lids.
Don't think... Don't think…
Reaching up, she grasped Amanda's face with trembling hands and pulled her mouth close. She couldn't open her eyes, but she could feel Amanda's blue ones on her, deep and searing. A quicker wound through her belly, and drew her teeth over her lower lip as final, stray tears slipped down her temples.
Don't think...Don't think…
Tilting her chin up, she pressed her lips against Amanda's, tasting the salt of her sadness between them before the sweetness of Amanda's saliva erased the bitter memory. Her breath was halting and shallow as she let Amanda kiss her deeper, her tongue tracing with a gentle, yet passionate caress along her palate.
Amanda drew back, slowly, releasing her lip with a slow suck. Olivia could hear her breathing, heavy and quick, though her fingers smoothed softly over her hair. It was a measured touch, one that held the restraint that Olivia knew she wanted to toss to the side.
"Let me touch you." Amanda finally whispered, pressing her forehead against Olivia's. "Let me take you away."
Her thumb drew over Olivia's cheek, catching a lingering tear, and Olivia turned her face into the touch. Her heart was racing suddenly in her chest, an impetuous desire that held little apprehension. How quickly she wanted to open herself to the other woman should've startled her, but not a hint of regret could touch her as she nodded slowly into Amanda's palm.
She didn't want to think anymore. She just wanted to feel.
Her arms spread out, fingers grasping the knotted sheets as Amanda slid down her body. Her palms scaled her breasts and ribs, each caress leaving her burning for more. She stared up at the ceiling, scarcely breathing in anticipation as Amanda released the button and zipper of her pants. Each stitch and inch of fabric was suddenly an irritation to her flesh, and the mere undressing of her body was pleasure in and of itself.
She settled down into the mattress, trembling with the vulnerability and crushing pleasure as Amanda tossed her pants and underwear over the side of bed. She heard them hit the floor, and she bit down on her lower lip, arching her feet into the bed.
"Come here." Amanda ordered in a raspy whisper, and Olivia opened her eyes to see her sliding to the edge of the bed.
She patted the mattress, and her cerulean eyes held a beckoning command that Olivia did not dare to question. She felt weak as she pushed herself towards her, and her heart stuttered over itself as Amanda knelt in front of the bed. The image - no, the reality - of her head between her legs caused a flush to rise on Olivia's cheeks and a wave of desire to crash through her body.
Don't think... Don't think… She told herself as Amanda grasped her hips, and pulled her close to the edge of the bed.
She was shaking with exertion, and Amanda's expression of intensity and desire crippled what strength she had left. She let her head fall back to the pillow, panting as Amanda's hair tickled her legs and stomach. Her hands slipped up Olivia's thighs, coming to rest firmly at the back of her knees, and Olivia moaned, her fingers twisting into the sheets as Amanda spread her open.
Her body was throbbing, harder and deeper than she'd ever felt before, and she didn't have to tell herself not think anymore. She couldn't, even if she wanted to. Her entire being was centered on the woman between her legs, and the way she was about to touch her.
The rest of the world was gone. The darkness she'd imagined eating them alive had retreated beneath the all consuming touch of Amanda's hands, and when her mouth descended upon her, all she could see was light - bright white, spinning into a spectrum of a colors behind her tightly closed lids.
Oh, God… She wanted to cry out. Oh, Amanda…
But her tongue was tied up, her throat releasing only spastic vocalisations as her whole body seized beneath Amanda's touch. Amanda fingers clenched around her thighs, and her mouth seemed to bear down upon her, circling and suckling until the motions were indistinctly blurred in Olivia's mind. All she could feel was the pressure and pleasure expanding from her core outwards, so quickly that she could hardly stand the intensity of it.
She arched from the bed as Amanda dragged the pleasure from her body, a ragged cry filling her mouth, and all control slipped from her fingers.
The deliverance of the climax swooped in, drowning out what was left of the nightmares in her head. Then she was screaming - Oh, God! - the first prayer to reach her lips, and the first one she'd believed in since she could remember. This was faith, the way she shattered beneath Amanda's hands, knowing she'd catch every, single, fragmented piece of her.
So she let her break her, again and again, upon the sweet affliction of her mouth until the explosions of pleasure wound into one another, and she could not discern one from the other. She let her smudge every thought from her head, but thoughts of this, until she was a shaking, sobbing mess under her. Then she let her hold her, let her stroke her hair and whisper soft endearments and promises that wouldn't have believed from anyone else; but, god, she believed.
She let her because for the first time since before the beach house, before the torture of her own home, and before Alice Parker, she felt peace- beautiful, enraptured peace.