At first, she wasn't sure what had pulled her from the deep slumber she'd fallen into, and as her eyes fluttered open, she was surprised that she'd slept so well in the first place. The last time she'd been assaulted she hadn't slept for three days, as long as she could manage before her body had finally given up. Last night had been different, much different.
The cobwebs slowly began to recede from her mind, and as her vision cleared she found herself facing the window, her body heavy and stiff. Her immediate, waking thought was of Olivia, of last night, and the emotions and memories rushed into her head so quickly that she was frozen in the overwhelming tide for a moment.
I need to see her. Kiss her. Hug her. The warm, fluttering desires filled her chest, and she began to roll over, eager for her fingers to find Olivia's soft, olive flesh again.
"Liv…" She murmured, groping for her body next to her.
Instead, her fingers met cold, vacant fabric, and a jolt of confusion and fear jarred her eyes open again. This, Olivia's absence, had woken her, and she knew immediately that the peace and contentment escaping from her chest would not soon return.
She sat up slowly, staring at the empty bed next to her before her gaze caught on the slip of paper resting against the pillow. She could see Olivia's writing scrawled across the smooth white, and she hesitated as a thread of unfounded dread wound through her veins.
It could be anything… She tried to assure herself even as her throat tightened with cold apprehension.
Reaching out, she drew the note closer to her.
Going downstairs to meet Fin. Be back soon.
A thousand scenarios ran through her mind as she read and re-read the note. It was so short and blunt, leaving her with a frigid sense of doom while the concept that Olivia needed to meet Fin without her clawed her fleeting optimism to shreds. She tried desperately to calm herself, attempting to come up with simple rationalizations, but in the back of her mind, she knew better.
Perhaps, she'd know even better last night that her lies and omissions could not last forever, but she'd had the slimmest hope - or maybe, just a delusion. Olivia was the most intuitive detective she'd ever known, and Fin the most determined. She was outmatched and outnumbered, and her plan of concealment had lasted a little less than four hours.
Her heart was racing as she tossed back the sheets, and slid out of bed. She was searching for her clothing before she even had a solid plan. All she could think of was finding Olivia, forming some acceptable explanation or stopping the discovery of her sinful nights here altogether before it was too late.
She yanked on her pants and buttoned her shirt with trembling fingers as panic had it's way with her nervous system. She could barely think as she hunted around the bed for her shoes. She cursed under breath as she easily found one before kneeling down and groping under the bed for the other. She was panting as she fell back on her butt and leaned against the mattress, trying to stem the tears in her eyes.
What if it is nothing? She demanded, harshly of herself. Get it together.
Scrubbing her hands over her face, she smeared away the tears that had quickly sprung to her eyes, and grabbed her shoes again. Pushing them onto her bare feet, she shoved herself up from the floor, and rushed towards the door. She had her fingers wrapped around the knob, ready to fling herself out into the cold world again when, suddenly, she heard the faint click of the key card unlocking the door. She froze, staring down at the handle as it slowly turned beneath her lapsing grip.
It's too late… too fucking late….
She stepped back, slowly, her heart racing as the door pushed inward, and Olivia's figure filled the frame. She was pushing the key card into her pocket, and juggling a cup of coffee in her other hand, but Amanda could already see the distress on her features, unmasked in the solitude of the hallway. She glanced up as she shouldered the door open wider, startling at Amanda's unexpected presence.
"Amanda…" She whispered, the low, huskiness of her voice immediately bringing back memory after memory to her Amanda's mind.
"I…." Amanda began to whisper, immediately feeling a second rush of tears in her eyes.
The exchange was simple, but as their eyes locked, Olivia's dark ones latching onto Amanda's wide, blue ones, Amanda knew. Their short, blissful escape had come to end just as she had feared it would. She could see in the shifting hazel and chocolate nuances of Olivia's eyes that she'd discovered her lies, and the shame was already more than she could bear.
Finally, Olivia's brow furrowed, and she stepped forward, slowly. Amanda took another step back, her perspiring hands clenched into fists at her sides as she watched Olivia close the door behind her, the lock latching with finality.
"Amanda, we need to talk." Olivia spoke at last, her tone guarded and even, as she turned to face Amanda.
Her words plunged dread into Amanda's stomach, her every fear falling into perfect place with one single sentence.
"Liv…" Amanda whispered, her throat tight as her eyes followed Olivia path across to the room to where she sank to the seat in front of the desk.
Olivia regarded her across the space, maintaining her unyielding expression as Amanda struggled for words. She wanted to burst out into tearful excuses, but Olivia's unreadable gaze left her feeling bereft of the same safety she'd felt last night in her arms. The woman she'd known so intimately last night had disappeared again beneath layers of detective and justice-seeker. Her disposition now left Amanda feeling like the villian to Olivia's cop, the perpetrator to a crime she'd be all too determined to solve. Olivia deserved her confession, but the loss of their relationship was a punishment that Amanda could not force herself to accept, no matter how guilty she or Olivia found her.
"Come sit down." Olivia murmured at last, motioning to the bed.
Her softness was a trap. They'd hardly spoken to each other, but she'd worked with Olivia long enough to know exactly what this was. She'd watched her do it a hundred times with untruthful suspects or even survivors. Olivia had an unnerving skill of drawing the truth out of a person, no matter how unwilling they may be, and Amanda knew before the conversation even started that she wasn't going to be any different.
"Don't make this harder than it already is, Amanda." Olivia whispered, her head tilting slowly as her narrowed eyes burned into her hotly flushing visage. "For both our sakes."
Amanda swallowed hard, her stomach clenching with dread. The statement felt like the last nail in her coffin, and even if she turned and ran from this room, she wouldn't be able to escape.
The tears encroached upon her quickly as she vacillated by the door for another moment, struggling to string together some set words which would magically disentangle them from this moment, but there was only one way out. She either told Olivia everything and risked losing her, or she refused, and jeopardized without question the connection they'd shared last night.
She could feel the blood rushing in her veins, washing color over her neck and cheeks as she finally lowered her head and walked quietly over to the bed. She sank quickly to the edge, collapsing there without even a glance at Olivia. Balancing her elbows on her knees, she clasped her forehead in her hands, and stared at the floor, praying she wouldn't heard the dreaded words - look at me. She didn't think she could possibly lift her eyes and stare into Olivia's intense, instinctive gaze, as she detailed the events leading up to this moment.
She heard the wheels of the chair roll forward, and Olivia's boots came into her view. She clenched her eyes shut, fighting quick, biting tears as their proximity pressed sharp emotion into her chest.
"Amanda." Olivia murmured, reaching out to touch her arm.
Amanda shivered as Olivia's fingers wrapped softly around her wrist, and her thumb rubbed slowly over her shuddering pulse. It was far too gentle for this brutal moment, far too soft for what she deserved. Biting down on her lower lip, she shrank further away from her as the shame of all that had lead them here began to feast upon her, more voracious than before. She wanted to break down into apologetic sobs, but she held her tears tightly in her throat, grasping to the last threads of silence before the truth came fully into the light.
She felt Olivia grasp her other wrist, urging her back into her. Their foreheads touched lightly, and Amanda barely swallowed a cry. She should be revolting to Olivia, unworthy of her time or love. Why did she still touch her so softly, so unbearably compassionate?
"I'm going to say a name." Olivia murmured at last, the strength in her tone barely hiding a tremble. "You're going to tell me whether you know this person or not. Do you understand?"
Amanda dragged her hands down over her face, moaning as the humiliation drove harder through her chest.
She knows. She knows. She fucking knows. It felt like a ridicule punching her in the stomach over and over again, and she sobbed quietly into her palms, wishing she could sink into the floor or, perhaps, vacate her body completely. It'd been apparent since Olivia had walked into the room that she knew, but coming face to face with it, face the face with Olivia, she felt frozen with shame.
"Nadine DeFranco." Olivia stated, each syllable sharp as her fingers tightened around Amanda's wrists, the smallest of tangible reactions.
Amanda choked over a cry, hunching down further into her lap as Olivia dragged the truth into the bitter light of day, and here it was as grotesque and damning as she had feared. She cowered in front Olivia, writhing beneath the weight of her own vices. The inescapable thought that she was slowly losing everything that had once mattered to her implanted itself in her head, and grew there, sprouting and flowering in a matter of seconds.
She'd made a series of decisions, starting with her attack on Lewis, which were slowly but surely destroying her. Her job was in question, her sobriety gone, her sanity and her dignity stripped from her once more, her humanity swirling around the drain, and now her frail relationship with Olivia might not even live long enough to see the sun rise.
"Amanda…do you know her?" Olivia urged her, only to met by Amanda's gutted silence.
Amanda's head shifted down against her knees, leaving her trembling hands in Olivia's grip, as her body seemed to bow beneath an almost visceral weight.
"Amanda, I need the truth."Olivia insisted at last, her voice sharpening painfully. "Do you know her?"
Amanda moaned, her head lolling against her knees as thick, hot tears escaped from beneath her tightly clenched lids. She didn't want to lift her head and confess. She didn't want to clarify the truth because taking responsibility meant it was real, and she didn't know if she could take another ounce of blame. She'd already taken so much from herself.
"Amanda, look at me." Olivia's stern tone stung her with that dreaded command, and Amanda choked over another audible sob. "Look at me!"
"I can't!" Amanda burst out, yanking her arms from Olivia's hands.
Clutching her hands against her chest, she cradled her burning flesh, the places where Olivia's fingers had touched her.
"I can't…." She moaned, her voice trailing into a whimper.
"You have to." Olivia insisted in a sharp whisper, grabbing both her shoulders. "You have to tell me the whole truth, Amanda, even if hurts."
The pain in Olivia's voice was evident. There would be no dulling the impact of the consequences nor softening the blow of the truth. Olivia already knew, every sordid detail, and all that was left to do was to fall down on her knees and confess.
Olivia pulled her hands from her shoulders, and her fingers swooped in to grab her lasping chin. She shuddered as Olivia dragged their faces into alignment, and when Amanda cracked open her puffy watery eyes she begged Olivia silently with her gaze for mercy, for any shred of grace that she'd find it within her heart to extend.
Olivia stared back at her, a sheen of emotion glistening her dark eyes as she reached into her pocket. Amanda's eyes darted towards Olivia's hand as she withdrew the picture, following the damning evidence until it was placed directly in her face.
"Nadine." Olivia repeated, stiffly. "Do you recognize her now?"
Amanda swallowed hard, her tears suddenly running dry in the face of the photo. The security camera still had perfectly captured them in a passionate embrace just outside the elevator. She'd been drunk that night, and the vivid, unquestionable imagery of her hands on Nadine's body, and their mouths locked together sent a sharp sensation of humiliated self awareness through her. All the explanations she'd managed to scrape together only minutes ago fled from her mind, leaving her with a crippling sense of damnation.
She felt her chin quiver in Olivia's grasp, and she began to lower head once more, tears of painful self hatred welling in her eyes.
"This wasn't a random attack, Amanda." Olivia whispered, fingers tightening on her jaw. "This was targeted, and I think you knew that last night."
"And so what if I did?" Amanda cried out, suddenly, pulling back sharply from Olivia's grip. "It doesn't matter!"
Olivia stared at her for a moment, stricken, and Amanda couldn't stand to watch the disappointment and horror growing in her watery gaze and twisted lips.
"Yes, it does…" Olivia finally contradicted, her dark eyes flashing and smoldering with suppressed emotion. "It always matters."
Amanda shook her head back and forth, frantically, shoving up the bed. She needed to put distance between them because the sound of Olivia's voice was too much. The touch of her hands and the intensity of her emotions were beyond Amanda's ability to withstand. She felt as though she were losing all control, but with the sun rising just beyond the window, there was no one to catch her this time.
"They're going to get away with it, Liv." She cried, throwing out her hands in desperation as she finally turned back towards her. "They always, always get away with it, especially when it comes to me."
"They get away with it when you don't stand up, and speak the truth." Olivia argued, flying up out of the chair, and rushing towards her. "Amanda, you don't have to hide this time."
Grabbing her arms, Olivia stared into her eyes, and the familiar compassion of that deep gaze pulled at Amanda's heart, but she knew it wasn't love that held Olivia here by her side. It was duty, a commitment to justice that she'd sworn herself to. She'd crusade for Amanda's right to confront her attacker in court, but Amanda was certain than whatever personal connection they'd shared last night had been destroyed. She'd seen the photo. She knew the truth, and it would be less painful now to confirm what they both already knew than to fight the inevitable.
"Fine." She whispered, huskily, at last, her shoulders lapsing in Olivia's grasp. "I know her. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Olivia's brows furrowed, and Amanda could see the way she pursed her lips against a tremor.
"This isn't about me, Amanda " She finally murmured, each word forced from beneath the weight of emotion.
Olivia's hands felt heavy on her arms, and Amanda could barely stand her compassion, her pity, her unstoppable search for justice. She didn't deserve any of it, not a single scrap of her dedication, not today nor last night. She felt like some kind of imposter, tricking and manipulating her way into Olivia's heart and bed, just as she had with Nadine. Surely, Olivia couldn't view her any differently in the light of the truth, and if she knew what was good for herself she'd get as far from Amanda as she could.
Tilting her head back, Amanda stared up at the ceiling as tears slipped down her cheeks.
"But it is what you wanted to know…." Amanda whispered at last, her voice growing thick and husky. "That I was with her… That we...w-we slept together?"
The question, the confirmation of everything that she had tried so hard to avoid, hung in the air like a dark, looming balloon of dread.
Olivia was silent, scarcely moving like statuesque picture of heartbreak in front of her, and Amanda could hardly stand the ever growing, icy thread of betrayal which seemed to seep from Olivia's fingers into her raging hot, panicked bloodstream.
She turned suddenly away, dislodging her arms from Olivia's unbearable touch. Scraping her hands over her face, she futilely swiped at the tears which seemed to spring anew with each second. She was breathing heavily, barely muffling the sobs burgeoning in her throat, and her stomach ached, her heart threatening to shatter in her chest. The creeping hopelessness she'd felt in the alleyway slipped through her veins, the recurring thought that she could end this all in one fell swoop following quickly after.
She panted into her palms, listening to Olivia's slow footsteps retreat. The bed creaked softly a moment later as Olivia sank to the edge, but she still didn't speak. The silence was unbearable, but Amanda could not force herself to turn around and look at her.
The guilt for leaving her in New York only to find comfort with another woman put a tight fist of horror in her throat, and she couldn't imagine Olivia ever truly forgiving her for it.
"I…" Olivia began softly, startling Amanda with the broken syllable. "I think we should go back to the precinct today. Fin has compiled a list of known associates,and most of them have criminal records so you can look at mugshots…"
Amanda swallowed hard, letting her hands slip from her face. She stared at the wall, hating every second that passed as Olivia surpassed her every attempt to elicit some sort of reaction. She hated that she wouldn't just admit how hurt she was. She hated that she put up this wall, this facade of detective, rather than being what she had been last night - her best friend, her lover, her reason to live.
"Just say you're disgusted…." Amanda whispered, clenching her hands into fists at her eyes stung with another tide of tears.
"No…" Olivia replied, her husky tone barely audible from across the room.
"You're not a cop right now, Olivia." Amanda spun around her as she flung the sharp words across the room. "This isn't some case you can crack, and put another notch on your belt!"
Olivia flinched, her brow twisting, as Amanda's eyes landed on her hunched posture. Her fingers were clenched around the edge of the mattress, her shoulders rigid, rippling with tension as they stared at each other.
Amanda knew there were words and questions and accusations just behind the barrier of her teeth, and she wished she'd spit them out. Anything but this ridiculous make believe that Olivia would arrest the man responsible, and that then all would be right in the world. Nothing would ever be right again if they couldn't be together as they had been last night.
Finally, Olivia broke their gazes as she rose from the bed. She'd buttoned the emotion back up into herself when she came to stand in front of Amanda, save for the deep pain hiding in her dark eyes. Taking Amanda's hand, she pressed the photo in her palm.
"Look at this." She whispered, her brow knitting. "This isn't worth your life. They were going to rape you… For this. A choice that you both made of your own free will. Don't let them get away with that."
Olivia held her gaze for one more long moment before she turned towards the door, leaving Amanda quivering from the slightest gentle touch of her fingers and the passion lacing her tone.
Lifting a trembling hand, Amanda stared at the photo until it blurred in front of her eyes. Yes, she'd made a choice of her own free will, but it was hard to imagine defending that choice or wanting anything but to take back every single, unorthodox decision she'd made in the past two weeks.
She knew Olivia was right. She should care. She should chase the bastard to the ends of the Earth and back for her right to live without fear. She shouldn't let the violence of men dictate her every move. She shouldn't let this guilt consume her until she abandoned all pursuits of justice, but she didn't know if she was strong enough or if she could tread that path alone. For the past three weeks her every thought had centered on Olivia, and imagining an existence without her left her with an aching sense of futility.
"Amanda…"
Amanda turned at the sound of her name, and found Olivia at the door, the handle clenched in her fingers.
Her eyes narrowed against scintillating tears, and she whispered, sharply, "I will not be complicit in this apathy. You did not deserve this, and I will never let you think that you did."
Amanda stared back at her, the image of her graceful figure blurring before her as her chest ached, and her fingers bent and crumpled the picture at her side.
I love you. She wanted to say it again, the words heavy at the back of her throat, but she bit down, harshly, and pursed her quivering lips. She nodded, haltingly, the only motion she could manage without falling to pieces.
"Come down when you're ready." Olivia suggested at last, her tone raspy with unshed tears. "You need to eat, and get your strength up. It's going to be long a day."
Then, she disappeared from the doorway, taking with her whatever grace had managed to befall Amanda's lost, and desperate soul. Finding that warmth again was only one, frail reason to live, but it was all she had. Letting the photo slip from her fingers and to the floor, Amanda followed Olivia out into the world.