A/N: Whoops! Totally forgot about writing these past 2 days since I was far too busy testing. Enjoy the chapter! Disclaimer - I don't own Naruto!
I look around and see that I am still in a hospital room. There is a faint scent of ginger in the air. Most likely from a tea or medicine. To my right I see Miyuki laying her head on my bed. To my left I see Minato and Kushina sleeping on each other in a makeshift bed. It was nighttime and you could hear the hospital equipment still on. Carefully, I get out of the creaky ass bed and grab Miyuki bridal style placing her on the bed. I look at the closet and find my equipment hanging there or otherwise somehow in there. I go outside the room and teleport over to my training ground that me and my brother found and tested various jutsus.
It was morning and after doing my exercises, I realize how stiff I am. "Oh god my back is far too stiff..." is the first thing I murmur despite no one being there. Or so I thought, because the next instant Minato teleports here. He has an angry look on his face and looks like he is about to yell at me. Suddenly he teleports back to where he was and teleports with an ANGRY Kushina. Before I get to say anything he teleports back with an amused yet angry Miyuki. Fuck! I'm about to suffer a everyone's wrath for just escaping a hospital, it should be an accomplishment and should be celebrated. Then he teleports back again and comes with an equally as angry Tsunade. Also why the fuck does he teleport them one by one when I know full well that he can teleport them all at once?
"I fear for my life now. Kushina-sama is enough to drill something in my head, but now the whole gang is here to destroy me. Such is the life of someone who is too good for his own good. Or is it someone too cunning for escaping the hospital? Who cares, I'm still getting my ass beat." They all sweatdrop at my outburst, especially the last part. They just know I accepted my fate and they feel weird about me just talking about it nonchalantly.
"What are you doing? You don't get to leave MY hospital until I say so!" Tsunade said while bonking me in the head.
"I felt fine so I told myself I'll get out, so I checked myself out at the hospital reception while the nurse was falling asleep." Tsunade and Miyuki suddenly felt gloomy at the incompetence of the hospital staff they hired and trained themselves. Minato and Kushina just look at me with disbelief because I easily retorted Tsunade.
"That's...not how it works...I don't even know how to respond to something like that." Miyuki said after hearing my response.
"Well, if that's all I guess I'll go back to training."
"No! Wait right here so you can get the full scolding I got." Minato said. Kushina slapped him and glared at him for his idiocy. I laugh and get punched to the ground. At that instant I slow time down with the seal and write down a note. I make a shadow clone and use the summoning jutsu which led to me being teleported to whoever I'm supposed to be summoning. My clone falls down on the ground, undoes the time slow down, and is tied up with ninja wire. Kushina reluctantly puts a chakra surpressing seal on the clone so 'I' don't escape anywhere. Instantly the clone pops and they realize they caught a shadow clone who replaced himself with me at some time. A scroll falls down amidst the smoke and they read it.
Due to anticipating you guys torturing me, I put a Time-Space Seal up, replaced myself with a shadow clone, and reverse summoned myself to somewhere. I don't know where I would end up at the time I wrote this. But whatever, I should have a summon soon and be home soon I guess. Hey by the way Miyuki, want to go out on a date with me soon? Unless of course you are too busy thinking on how to catch me and have a 'family bonding time by torturing Kai to hell for escaping the hospital too easily.' It hurts just thinking about it. Well...good luck fellas. Kai out!
Miyuki giggles with an evil smirk on her face on what's to come to both me and the hospital staff. Minato sighs and mumbles something incoherent about making sure I regret this and learning torture techniques from Ibiki. Kushina's 9 tailed hair lowers and she looks like she just had a massive failure, based on the look on her eyes and her pulsating veins. Tsunade swears something about re-educating all the hospital staff and making sure they all get a pay cut.
At the hospital...
Simultaneously all hospital staff have the sudden urge to kill Kai for something dreadful coming their way.
"Motherfucker got us. Next time I see him at the hospital I'm giving him rotten food." The hospital staff don't argue with that.
Summoning realm
"Hello?" I say.
"Oh shit! A summoner! Bretheren get out we have a summoner! This is like the first summoner ever showing up in here! Wtf do we do?!" A clearly insane bull says.
At that moment a bunch of farm animals and other animals you would find at a farm come out. An old but otherwise huge donkey comes out with other huge animals following it.
"Howdy! My names Donkey and you are cordially invited to the Farm Animal Alliance summoning group as our first summoner." I sweatdrop at this talking donkey.
"Well my name is Kai. I used the summoning jutsu to meet my ideal summoning animal or in this case animals."
"Well Kai, I will tell you this is the best summoning group and we can beat any other summoning animals. Even those blasted toads thinking they are better than us. We will show them!" Instantly countless animals begin laughing hard and chanting Farm Animals for the win! At that instant a huge frog appears and says:
"We are here to pay tribute to the Farm Animal alliance...now don't go and wreck our sacred lands again please. The toad-oil is fairly expensive and time consuming to replace when you guys pump all you're sewage there." The toad reverse summons back to wherever. In an instant more powerful summons keep on giving their tributes while having obvious fear and respect in their eyes.
"I'm convinced you guys are the best for me! Where do I sign the contract?"
"Oh shit yeah! The whole reason you are here. Here it is. You can summon us for anything other than like making us fall in a volcano or obvious unavoidable death traps like that. You can summon any of us to beat the shit out of Bijus though. We will even let you summon four of us at once with the same chakra cost. We have a long history with them..."
"Uhm yeah? By the way, who would throw you guys into a volcano for no reason?"
They all murmur and the donkey says "The sage of six paths...what a detestable bastard..." I sweatdrop and realize the creater of ninjutsu must've greatly pissed these animals off hence them offering to beat the shit out of bijus for pretty much free. I sign the contract and learn more from the animals as a sealing jutsu crawls on me from the scroll. Apparently, the whole reason they are feared is because of their tremendous battle potential. They can easily learn what the enemy does and improve on what they learned and use it against the enemy. So eventually, the opponent would have exhausted all their techniques on them and won't be able to fight back. Therefore they are feared for that. Not to mention, the farm animals already have powerful and quick bodies, and the huge animals became huge from Natural energy entering in them which led to their body absorbing it and growing. They are currently working on a sage mode for the summoner that gives the summoner the same abilities they have so I can work well with whoever I summon. I never thought farm animals would be the most feared summon by summons. Humans probably won't know shit and think I'm using a pig as a summon and make fun of me for it until the pig bites their head off in an instant. There was a huge summoning array where the donkey led me and I learned a lot from just looking at it. Just a tiny piece from here would be revolutionary in the elemental nations. I was mesmerized in the seal works until a horse kicked me.
"How dare you look at my work without permission!" The huge horse said angrily.
"I'm sorry Mr.Horse but the seals are amazing! I'm trying to learn how to become a seal master so this information is huge!"
"Hmm...in that case take my book. It doesn't have seals as big as this, but it should work for you since I did learn everything I know from here. The whirlpool village leader gave it to me. The rest I learned from the seal masters here."
"Thank you very much Mr. Horse!"
'Haha I got praised! Why wouldn't I help our first summoner? I'll become fucking famous.' The horse instantly thought while being praised by me for his seal work.
"Now go back to where you came from summoner. 5 hours have passed since you were summoned and I believe your loved ones will start getting worried."
"Yes. Thank you kind animals!"
Leaf Village
I arrive back in the spot I summoning jutsu'd myself from and am instantly caught in 7 traps. I cannot use my chakra and instantly six people teleport to me. Jiraiya, Kakashi, Tsunade, Minato, Kushina, and Miyuki are there. Each with varying degrees of amusement and anger and possibly excitement.
"Fuck. I should've just stayed at the summoning world."
Kushina cracks her knuckles. All hell breaks loose and I am beat up to shit. Kakashi reads his perverted book while flinging toothpicks at me. Tsunade beats me to the ground and steals my lunch money. Minato throws boiling water at me. Jiraiya...intensely writing his pervert book scene. After everyone is satisfied 'family bonding with Kai', Miyuki grabs the ropes that held onto me and drags me to her house while casting a genjutsu to cover me and avoid further humiliation of me to her house.
I am placed on her bed where she starts using healing jutsu to heal me.
"Why did you allow yourself to be defeated and humiliated to such an extent Kai?"
"I knew they were going to beat me up anyways. Might as well let them vent their frustration before it causes problems."
"You idiot! How am I supposed to go on a date with you when you are like this?"
"A date? So you agree to going on a date with me?"
"Yes you idiot." Tears start welling up in her eyes. A long akward silence happens while she gradually heals me from my injuries.
"There you go. All healed. Now we can go on our date."
"Uhm...I'm still tied up though." A kunai cuts through various points on the rope.
"Not anymore. Let's go get Ramen!"
We arrive at Ichiraku's, eat some ramen while talking to each other, and I escort her back to the Senju compound. I ignore all the looks that villagers and ninja throw at me. Some people are sad, others are angry, and a few are enjoyed. Some are indifferent and act like they don't know me. As I was walking home, I see Orochimaru.
"Hello Orochimaru-sama! Nice meeting you here."
"Ah yes Kai. Quite interesting seeing you over here too."
"Orochimaru! I have a question for you."
"Go ahead. I should be able to answer mostly anything."
"Alright. With all due respect, why do want to learn every single jutsu?"
"Hmm...mostly because I want to."
"But if you do that won't you become a jack of all trades but a master of none?"
"That's true... I haven't actually thought about it like that to be honest. My question is why are you asking me this and trying to change my ideals?"
"Because I am looking out for my fellow comrades. If the snake sannin becomes the everything sannin then he would be quite weakened because he won't keep developing his snake jutsu and lose himself to everything else. There is no point in life if you don't have a good purpose. No one lives forever unless they are made up of chakra like bijuus. Eventually their soul would deteriorate. Through my sealworks I monitored a dying persons soul and no matter what I tried, their soul still came down. The dude's soul was extremely old, he dates back to the first Hokage's era. His name was Kakazu and due to the condition of his soul he was unable to learn more jutsu than the one he currently has. In fact he had to implant people's hearts in order to use different jutsu."
"That's interesting..." Secretly Orochimaru was thinking 'Fuck fuck fuck fuck! This guy just destroyed my life's purpose! I should stop experimenting on children and proceed on working on my snake jutsu then. If what he says is true, then even if I do become immortal, I won't be able to master all jutsus. He might have just saved my life from pure evil and idiocy.' "...well you saved me from committing a massive mistake."
"No problem Orochimaru-sama!"
Well now the snake sannin won't pursue being evil I guess. Now let's go home quick! I jump from building to building all the way to my house.
"Hello Kushina and Minato!"
"Seems like you have luck. Your girlfriend healed you." Kushina said while emphasizing girlfriend.
"Indeed she has. We went on a date to get ramen."
"WHAT?! YOU'RE ACTUALLY DATING SOMEONE?! MINATO—"
"Enough Kushina. We need to tell him some major news."
"Oh yeah! Hence why we stayed awake till he came back ya know?"
"Uhm What big news?"
"Kushina is pregnant!"
"WOAH! No way! I'm going to be an uncle now!"
And hence a screaming contest began in which Minato and Kushina said respectively that they were parents and I screamed that I was an uncle. It seems like all obstacles have been cleared and Kushina should be safe when she gives birth to Naruto.