A/N: This was a paaaaain to write because of my time schedule. It's so damn hectic but I just HAD to make time to write an update! So, I'm adding a bit more story from the before now. If you spot mistakes tell me! :D Read and then review and tell me what you think about the story. Enjoy! :]
He felt like tearing his hair out.
Not that it would do him much good, but at least he would be able to get rid of some of the frustration he had. He pushed the unruly locks of hair that kept springing down whenever he tried to contain them by sweeping them back with a rake of his fingers away from his forehead and tried concentrating on the stack of parchment, all of them work sheets sent in by Auror prospects. He comfortably sat behind his work desk at his private study inside one of the houses at Godric's Hollow, the same home he had inherited from his parents at the age of eighteen, a fact that added even more tension his frustrated state.
His childhood friend and now brother-in-law, Ronald Weasley, sat on the chair that faced his desk, shoes propped against the edge of the mahogany furniture, completely oblivious to his wretched emotional state as he sifted through the interview papers from the day before. His best friend smiled lazily at him, shoe moving from side to side on the desk as he watched him pile sheet after sheet of work after he finished signing them while he scribbled furiously with his other hand, jotting in ideas down his thoughts or suggestion about those that caught his interest.
"With all due respect, mate, I'd hate to add more weight on your shoulders but..." Ron casually began with the wicked smile still in place as he spoke. "I have to say that expectations have been rising in the ministry about the Auror's Department."
"That is hardly surprising. Sturm's impending retirement has tongues wagging." Harry gave a derisive snort as he flipped another piece of signed parchment to the finished bundle and picked a fresh one."It has raised the expectations of something better in the department. The old man really needs to rest after working for so long but now everyone is speculating. They all want to know if Kingsley will promote me as the head of the Auror Department."
"He should, you know. I can't think of anyone better than Harry Potter to replace the only remaining Auror from the old squad." Sturm had been in charge for nearly six years now and the old man wasn't exactly the war machine he had been when he'd first joined the team at the age of nineteen. It really was time for someone new to take over. "The place needs someone competent to guide it."
"Well, they weren't expecting a war. As a Minister, you don't think about losing almost every Auror in the department and finding replacements is rather difficult." Harry shook his head as he spared his friend a quick glance. "I will heave a sigh of relief when Sturm retires. He hardly does anything anymore so everything falls in my lap. I'm the one running the department."
"No luck filling the department yet?" Harry shook his head and stifled a curse when his hand accidently collided with the ink bottle, drenching some finished documents. "No offense, but it's a boring job. Why do you think I changed departments? I always thought being an Auror would be more exciting. Instead it's all just papers and practice."
Truth be told, Harry would gladly give a limb just for a chance to have a change from being locked inside an office with papers and his small squad, a chance at having the freedom to wander around London and enjoy himself. Traveling, adventure and solving problems, he'd been doing that since he had first set foot in Hogwarts. What he had been doing through his youth, and while he was now older and not as reckless as he'd once been, Harry knew that his life was passing by him and he was wasting all of his time sitting in an office that no longer appealed to him. He wasn't getting any younger and now that there were rumors about Sturm's impending retirement, it was the perfect time to step up to the plate.
He wasn't in love with his job, but still...
He needed something to do, something to keep his mind and body busy. That, however, wasn't the only reason why he remained in the office. It still had some memories of his troubled years at Hogwarts. He'd lost his Godfather there and had witnessed the clash between his old headmaster and the dark lord. Yes, they were not very pleasant memories, but they were still there and he felt like he needed something to remind him that he was still alive while the three men he had mentioned were not. A life spent in a stale room sifting through years of paperwork that the past Aurors had neglected to finish was not paradise but it was better than being locked inside his home alone. Or being dead. Harry sighed, fingers working through his hair as he fixed the mess he'd made.
Over the last few months he had grown increasingly restless, disaffected with the life he'd more or less fallen into after Hogwarts. There was so very little to do now that everything was back to normal, now that his life was finally as it should've been, that he sometimes found himself losing sleep over it. Dull. His life was a dull and colorless landscape. His friends, his coworkers, his work- the young charlatans that gave the department some excitement every now and then, and the wife that was only too happy to leave him and his Godson behind to nurture her career as a quidditch player, it was all so...routine? He didn't know how to describe his situation but he knew that it wasn't making him happy or satisfying any of his needs.
When he'd first joined the department shortly after his quick courtship and marriage to Ginny Weasley, a life built around family and work had been his goal. With his hero status and the willpower and devotion to join the ministry ranks and normal society, he had entered the Auror's Department and had quickly achieved what he had desired. However, having attained his goal and moved around the ministry for several years now, he found himself searching for something...more. This new life of his had left him feeling less than content, hollow, strangely empty. He was unfulfilled, unsatisfied by how things had turned out. In reality, he was not engaged with anything.
He was ready for that more he was searching for. He just didn't know what that more was or how he could attain it. He was more than ready to leave his job and come home to Godric's Hollow and discuss that more with his wife but she was always busy, always in a rush to go here and there or whenever her job took her. It had her stressed and pressured and that often made her snappy and distant. By the time they both came home from work, they were too tired to sit and discuss the future or what was going on, or not going on, between them. They hardly saw each other during the week and their weekends were often spent at her parent's place with the rest of the Weasley lot, so there really was no privacy in their lives now that they both had jobs keeping them busy. So work was the more for now.
The other more would have to wait until there was time to sit down and have a chat about the future but there was work to spare and he had to take care of it or no one would. He had been wondering whether work, too, would now feel as empty and hollow and devoid of any kind of challenge as his personal life was. There had also been nagging worries, doubts on whether that dead feeling he now carried with him had something to do with how he was living his life or whether it was some sign of ill things to come in the future. Maybe it wasn't really life that was wrong and lifeless, maybe it was really him. Maybe he was finally getting some whiplash from those terrible years at Hogwarts, when everything had been an incoherent mess, the days were not promised and hope had been a frail line lingering in the horizon.
Maybe he was suffering the symptoms of some inner malaise.
Well, it didn't matter now. He was probably over thinking his problems and making them worse by pouring all of his doubts and fears into them. He had to forget about his personal problems and concentrate on all the work that had to be done in the office. They were still short on staff and Kingsley wanted to make sure that they were pulling their weight at the department. By staying in the ministry and running the place he had given his inert life some purpose but now it was overflowing with piles and piles of work that never seemed to end. Challenges popped here and there, demanding his attention and leaving him short of time and patience. Since Sturm's health had declined that year, Harry had found himself neck-deep in work. It demanded some action and he'd barely had time do think, to do anything since then.
Well, the unsettling disconnection he had felt with the world was now gone, replaced by mountains of work and a restlessness that plagued him now and then during his free time. He no longer as useless as he once had, as he still did every now and then, when the weekends arrived and he found himself at home with his Godson and wife. He had been born to be an Auror and a family man, it was in his blood, but something was still missing from his life. But it was the office he needed to fill that was his current source of frustration. The department had been short on workers for over five years and it seriously needed some fresh blood to keep things moving. There had been a few interviews and none had met the requirements with the exception of...
The need for a distraction nagged at him.
"Blood hell." He set down his quill and looked at his friend, shaking his head in clear disbelief. "Who knew that filling the department would be so hard? No one is interested in joining our ranks ad we desperately need to have at least seven squads. We don't even have enough people to form one!"
"Yeah, well..." Ron interlaced his fingers on his chest and leaned back into his chair as he considered Harry's words for a couple of minutes before slowly asking him. "Well, how hard have you really searched?"
"Hmm..." Not very far, Harry had to admit. He'd posted some notices in Diagon Alley, throughout the ministry and had even asked the Daily Prophet to post some help wanted pages with the listed requirements, but that had been months ago. Maybe he should try again. "Well, we posted in different places a few months back but hardly anyone answered the call."
"It seems odd you've not had any takers in five years." Ron looked thoughtful for a few minutes before he pulled a face. "But the job is bloody boring. You may offer a decent salary but when you think about the fact that you may have to put yourself in harm's way, it's hardly worth the effort."
"Yes, it's boring, but it's not really all that dangerous. Maybe it was during the war but not now." Harry lolled his head back and sighed. "It's the bad reputation and the strict job requirements that make people shy away from us. Like all things in life, it has its drawbacks, but surely the benefits outweigh the risks. We get a good pay and we hardly exit the office."
"If they are our age or younger and they are ambitious, they will think that it's a dead-end job and that it will have little to offer them in the long run." Ron's sky blue eyes met his as he grimaced. "Once they sift through what the department needs and what it demands and the grueling work schedule, the applicants take flight."
"True." Harry grimaced back at him. "Adventurers are rare these days. People want something safe, something that is secure but keeps the guessing and moving about. I'm looking for the missing link here, someone who isn't afraid to step up when there's an emergency but who is also content with sitting behind a desk for hours, days or even months at a time. You used to work for us...any way I can tempt you to come back?"
"No thanks." Ron flashed him a grin and waved the suggestion away. "Like you, I have to deal with work, family, my wife and my children. I rather be dealing with quidditch than dumb criminals and stupid misfits that think they are smarter than the ministry in my free time. I love it and I get paid. Need I say more?"
"Oh, well. You can't say I didn't try." He pressed one finger to his quivering temples to try and stifle the migraine he knew was trying to worm its way into his head and sighed. "And it's not like we do much when we get home from work, anyways."
"Mhm." Ron nodded slowly in his direction while stifling a huge yawn with one hand. "Yes, well, we do deserve a chance to slack off after a hard day of work. All that sitting makes us tired. And the rare naps we take at the office leave is feeling more drained than refreshed."
"Mind you, Hermione could probably get the job done in a heartbeat with her arms tied behind her back and her eyes blindfolded." He was about to suggest that she could help him with his problem when Ron vigorously shook his head. "And why not?"
"Because she already has her hands full with our two little devils." Ah...he'd forgotten about that. Ron and Hermione already had two active little children, one girl and one boy, and Hermione had recently confirmed during a family outing that she carried their third child. Despite having Ron back at home before six in the afternoon, she indeed had her hands full. "She's busy."
"And whose fault is that?" Harry narrowed his gaze accusingly at his best friend, lips set to the side as he gave him a mock-angry scowl. "This wouldn't be happening if you had kept certain body parts away from her."
"You know you love being an uncle. That accusation of yours lacks force." Ron gave him another smile just as Harry lifted the quill of the table and pulled another fresh piece of parchment. "Speaking of little devils, you and Ginny planning on having some anytime soon?"
"No, not yet. Maybe in a year or two." Lips twisting in a tight smile, he set his green eyes on the fresh parchment and wondered if his wife even wanted children anymore. They had discussed having them someday but that had been before their marriage and he doubted they would come anytime soon. They hadn't touched in nearly three months. "Ginny is trying to win at least one world cup and I'm busy with work. Once things get settled, we'll talk about expanding the family. Teddy is enough for now."
"I guess it's a good plan...well, I really have to get home before 'Mione kills me." Ron hauled himself off the small chair he'd been sitting on and gave him a half-arsed salute. "Don't worry about it, mate. I'm sure someone will turn up soon."
"Yes..." Harry lifted his gaze from his work and smiled weakly at him, caressing his cheek with the feather end of the quill. "But when will that person show up? I need the squads organized before the month ends."
"I dunno but you have to remain positive." His smile was understanding but the advice was not very helpful when he already had a deadline set. Ron stretched, reached for the door and poked his head in the room to bid him farewell before exiting. "Have a good night, Harry. I have to get home. Promised I would play hide and seek with my kids."
The door clicked shut and he waited until his friend's footsteps had faded before staring at the long list of applications he had resting on his desk. As always, Ron took great pride and saying 'my children', all but rubbing the words in his face as he savored them on his tongue. Ron was a happy man, content with what life and his wife had given him in the last couple of years and was not afraid to remind him that he could have the same kind of life he had. All he had to do was convince his wife to take the next step and bring a little bundle of joy of their own into the world. Yeah, like that was going to happen. Harry pulled his chair away from his desk and lifted his feet so they rested on the counter like Ron's had, papers still clutched in his hand.
He sometimes wished he could go play hide and seek with a brood of his own, too. Maybe that was the more he was missing. Maybe he was tired of the distance between him and his wife and he wanted the family that he had been denied during his childhood. He was already twenty four and he thought himself mature enough to handle another child. He'd practically raised Teddy himself and Ginny had played the part of mum without much hassle during her breaks from Hogwarts after the battle. She adored Teddy and he felt the same way about their Godson, and she always loved to be around her brothers' many kids when the Weasleys reunited during the weekends to talk about their lives. But he doubted Ginny wanted to put a pause on her budding quidditch dreams when they were finally coming true.
He sank into the chair and thought about what would be waiting for Ron once he took the short walk outside through his gardens and reached the newly-restored house a block away from the one Harry had inherited from his parents. The house that his best friend now shared with his other best friend, Hermione, and their two small children was always full of warmth and life, a happiness that was almost tangible that came from their marriage and the love they felt for each other and the two, soon to be three, little ones they had created together. The love and happiness they shared always clung to Harry after he visited them whenever he came out of work early. The emotions drew him in, soothed the restlessness inside him, steadied his soul and anchored it to the place.
While Harry couldn't complain about his home or the love he felt for his wife and Godson, he had to admit that it always felt as if they were lacking something. His home didn't feel like his friend's home, didn't posses the soothing affection that made it a home and not just a place where he came to rest at night and during weekends. And he found himself pinning for that, for the warm embrace and that glow of happiness similar to the one at Ron and Hermione's place. He wished that the same emotions, the same bonds, would take hold of him and capture him. He wanted to come home after work and feel content, for his soul to be anchored to his home and family. For long, silent minutes, Harry stared blankly at the closed door and thought about it, then mentally shook himself and stared at the papers.
Cho Chang.
Neatly scrawled and resting elegantly over the piece of weathered parchment, her name stood out in solid black against washed yellow. A memory of light sliding gently over rich dark hair that shone like a gilded black onyx and a slow bright smile that that had sent his heart into hurried palpitations resurface and sent a shiver of warmth across the length of his spine. She was a beautiful woman, the kind of woman that inspired illicit fantasies. The kind of woman who made men think about sex. Sweaty, copious amounts of sex. She had been full of life and intensity and charm the first time they had met before the Ravenclaw versus Gryffindor match in his third year but that had been dimmed with the death of Cedric Diggory. Now, at twenty five, he suddenly found himself wanting to find out if the intensity he had appreciated as a teenager had transferred to other areas.
A grimace made its way to his face as he recalled how poorly things had ended between them. It hadn't really been that bad if he ignored all the crying, twinges of jealousy and emotional outbursts. It had been sweet and innocent and he had enjoyed the times he'd spent quietly talking to her after DA practice. Happy days. Days before bad arguments and their matching tempers had struck down their relationship mid-flight without giving it a chance to shape itself into something more. He didn't know why he was even thinking about her now, after marrying Ginny. His wife was an incredibly attractive woman with enough smarts to outwit him but enough love to charm him during bad days. Of course, she had her faults just like anyone else, she was only human, and things had been tense between them as of late, but he was convinced she was everything he needed to be happy.
Right?
Because feeling lust towards a pretty woman was completely normal even if she was your ex girlfriend and you were now married, right? He could not help but to ask himself and wonder if she found him just as attractive as he found her. An innocent question he wanted to answer. Her eyes had raked him with appreciation, after all. He didn't even know why, since he'd been sporting a days' beard and six years of relentless work and little sleep had left their mark. And the reckless, agitated pace of his life had left him feeling and looking quite raw. He wasn't really repulsive, just unkempt and a bit underweight. He didn't posses that nice, pampered look that most men his age and in a good marriage possessed. Of course, most men didn't fight dark wizards or faced impossible tasks like once had. And most men didn't have a deadline coming up.
Brusquely, his eyes settled back on the paper for a heartbeat before he shuffled past it to the next prospect. She was already signed. He had lied to Ron about having no takers but what could he possibly have said to his friend? Ron had the tendency to exaggerate some problems. The last thing he needed was an interview about his ex, and then he'd probably tell his wife and Hermione would make a fuss about it and shoot suspicious glances in his direction after he denied any attraction to Cho. Ginny would probably find out sooner or later shortly after Ron told Hermione and that would be the start of a living hell he knew would take months to fix. He shook his head, eyes scanning the page. No, he couldn't say anything about Cho's sudden reappearance. And he had more pressing matters than an ex girlfriend working for him, like the need for more people in his department.
Heaving a sigh, he shifted his chair closer to his desk and forced himself to comb through the list of prospects one last time.
She'd done it for his own good.
Five hours after work, cheek comfortably resting on the palm of her hand as she made quick work of the food her godmother had set in front of her at the study room, she stared at the work schedule displayed next to her cup of black coffee, barely lit by the dim flames of the fireplace. Next to the ink bottle sat the list of rules belonging to the ministry and the ones specially designed for the Auror's Department, the weathered parchment staining the oak table like a fleshy scar with its faded yellow. Given the fact that she had decided to skip dinner to review the documents and sign some papers, her Godmother, Jane, had brought her something to eat but she was only doing it to appease her concerned godmother because she wasn't feeling very hungry at the moment.
She didn't even know why she was trying to read when her mind not where it should be but drifting aimlessly miles away. She wasn't retaining any information and she was so distracted she couldn't look down at the documents without spacing off. Every time she tried reading the papers, the expression of his eyes, the happiness wiping away, blanking clear off his face, rose like bile to her mind to haunt her and keep her from finishing her work. It shouldn't have bothered her. He deserved something better and they would give him everything she hadn't been able to offer or give freely. She should've been happy because there would be no more disappointment in his life. Why wasn't she?
Lips compressing, she tapped the candle the rested on the desk so it flickered to life, shedding better light on the documents she was struggling to read.
She had done the right thing. She didn't have the mentality, the maturity or the funds and will to stay by his side. She was going to make him miserable if she stayed by his side for the rest of his life and she knew it. She had done the honorable thing. The right thing. For the first time in years she had placed someone else's needs over her selfish ones. She was not prepared to love him, not like he wanted to be loved. It was better to make that clear now and not encourage him to try and get more out of her, to invent or imagine any further.
Focusing on the curved signature that explained what the job would entail, Cho forced herself to read.
The door near the far corner opened and she raised her head to look at the intruder, smiling sleepily as Jane made her way into the room. "I'm going to sleep now, moppet. I have a slight headache and I think sleep could be a better remedy than some potion. Do you need anything before I leave?"
A moment passed as she considered the offer but then she thought about her headache and shook her head with her smile still in place. "Thank you but I'm afraid I have to decline. I'm good, Jane."
"Very well." She looked away as she hear her footsteps nearing and looked up just in time for her Godmother to place a soft kiss on her forehead. "You look tired. You should try to catch some sleep, too. And stop looking so worried. I'm sure you'll do great tomorrow."
She stared unseeing at her retreating form in the semi-dark room until she shut the door behind her, leaving her to sulk alone in the shadows. Only after Jane's footsteps had faded from the hall did she push her chair away and walked to the long line of windows with the curtains still pulled back to see the still life beyond the glass panels. The lawn was still damp from the downpours that constantly assaulted London and awash with moonlight that spilled into the study room, the rose bushes that decorated the gardens a splash of red and white against the dark grass. Everything outside was beautiful, perfect and peaceful, but inside her head, a storm raged on.
She didn't want to hurt him and yet she had. She couldn't set a wall between them like she did with the rest of the world because he didn't deserve it. It was no fault of his that everything in life had backfired at her. Her instinct was, had always been, to protect him. But how could she protect him from herself? From the fact that she had a good reason, a sound reason for refusing to admit love into her life? That this decision of hers was absolute and unmovable and that she wouldn't be swayed? That she had made her mind to never allow another mistake again, to never take the risk after all the pain and suffering she had endured?
The misery that came with love was just too great.
There really had been no choice for her. She hadn't made the decision to leave. It had been made for her by her brother and she had never had a say in any of his plans of a better future for her. She'd left everything behind in Scotland, her home and family, her friends and colleagues. She'd left him. And he would never know that, would probably hate and resent her for leaving without a goodbye. Just a 'Not now, we'll go later.' and a ghost of a kiss against his temple. She had no choice but to hurt him or risk being destroyed again by an emotion she did not want to reacquaint herself with.
She could return someday and explain but she knew she probably wouldn't, she thought as she finally turned away from the windows to properly extinguish the fire in the chimney before turning to the table, gathering the papers in her hand. She left the coffee and her empty food plate behind because the house elves would tidy up as soon as she fell asleep. And that would be very, very soon. The interview and the day at the office had drained her completely, sucked her already exhausted mind dry of any coherent thought. And she would have to repeat the same thing first thing in the morning and Harry Potter would be there, glancing her way like she didn't notice.
She sighed, setting the candle on the night table after fixing herself for the night and dropping into bed before blowing out the flame with her conflicted thoughts still lingering in her mind. That and one question that kept on pestering her. How much of a coward was she? She pulled the sheets higher, clenching her teeth and grinding them as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to forget about the day, about what she'd done or abandoned when her brother had dropped her off in London. To forget about the following day and the people she would see there. Again, she thought about the ache in her chest, about the fact that she had grown so numb with time that the feeling left her drained of everything. She shouldn't have been surprised…he'd said so once.
Love with you is a one sided affair.
A/N: Hmm…yeah, review. I had to do this in a rush so there should be mistakes aplenty but I'll try and take care of those later on. Better now that more story/background is being added? I'm slowly going to build it up and the chaps that were done will be posted with some minor changes later on :]