Vernon finally had everything he absolutely needed for a trip to Hogwarts. He was about to leave with Hagrid, when a shop caught his eye. It was a pet store, and there was a white chicken-looking thing in the windowsill.

He almost passed it by, but he noticed its feather coat and saw how purely white it was. Knowing he couldn't pass this by, him and Hagrid walked in.

Hagrid saw him looking at the "chicken", and felt the urge to speak up.

"Isn't that Edwig' from Arry' Pottah an the Chambuh of Secrets (2002) ™ directed by Chris Columbus and starring Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint?"

Vernon stared at him in confusion. "No, that's just a movie. This is obviously a chicken. What are you, Hagrid, a kindergartener? Stop playing pretend."

Vernon could see the clerk helping some other customer, so he picked up Chicken's cage and bolted out the door.

"Ey, what'd'ya think yur doin'?" Hagrid yelled, running after him.

Vernon faced Hagrid and kicked him in his knees. There was a loud 'crunch' and Hagrid let out a loud yell, coming off across more as a screech than a scream.

"Pathetic. Just like the half-giant you are." Vernon turned and began walking away. "Hah, half-giants. Those don't exist."

Eventually, using his Hogwarts letter, he found this 'Platform 9 and 3/4'. It was all horribly stupid, according to Vernon. He couldn't see what he was meant to do, as there was only Platform 9 and Platform 10.

There were people bustling all around the platform, many of them wearing shabby cosplay gear. Vernon felt disappointed, as he had cosplayed many different characters, all of high quality (such as Marvel's 'The Punisher,' 'Sans' from Undertale, and 'Hagrid' from the 2007 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie adaptation.)

One such group caught his eye, as they all had red hair. Their cosplays were particularly shabby, and there were a bunch of them. He scoffed at how society was turning out.

Vernon was so mad at this turn of events that he decided to take his anger out on one of the pillars around the platform. Raising his fist, he yelled out. "USELESS RUBBISH!" He struck the pillar and felt his hand go through it. Since he was caught off guard, the rest of his body followed afterwards.

He could feel the pillar crumble under his weight while simultaneously pulling him through. A brick fell out of it, striking the little girl in the group of gingers in the head and leaving the rest without a path to the platform.

There was a loud 'THUMP' as Vernon's body hit the ground, causing splinters to form in the floor. He picked himself up and found that he was at Platform 9 and 3/4.

"Well, that was stupid! What kind of design is that? Why, if this were Smeltings, the workshop class would be more than enough to make a working doorway. Bah, wizards. Wizards don't exist," he mumbled to himself, drawing the attention of other kids that looked on at him in confusion.

He found where he was supposed to go, as it was a bright red train that was impossible to miss. Carrying Chicken and his other supplies, he boarded it.

As he got on, the train creaked and groaned under his weight. He found a compartment with another first year, a girl with frizzy brown hair. Setting Chicken's cage down on the seat, he put the rest of his stuff in the storage space above.

He made sure he could feel the weight of his new pistol-wand on his holster, then sat down. Because of his sheer size, he filled up both seats on his side.

As soon as he sat down, there was a loud 'SQUAK'. His eyes widened as he remembered Chicken. The girl opposite to him gasped as Vernon shot back up. The train rocked and began moving.

"Ah..." Vernon began, staring at the mess of what used to be Chicken, "Oops?"

Vernon plopped back down on the gorey seat and what remained of Chicken's cage. As this happened, the train couldn't take any more of Vernon's abuse. Rocking back and forth from his sitting down, the train disconnected two whole compartments.

Sighing, Vernon faced the girl in shock in front of him. "Who are you?"

"I-I'm Hermione G-Granger..."

"Ah. Nice to meet another kid. I'm Vernon, Vernon Dursley, and this is my first year."

The girl was staring off into space. Finally, she noticed Vernon's pointed gaze and jumped. "O-oh, me too. Um, Mr. D-Dursley, your owl-"

"Don't call me Mr. Dursley," he waved her off, "That name belongs to my father. Call me Vernon. You know, I wonder if Hogwarts has any workshop clas-"

Suddenly, the door opened, cutting Vernon's spiel off. A frightened kid looked in. "Um, I lost my toad and was wondering if any of you have seen him. His name is Tr-"

Almost instantly, Vernon had whipped out his gun and aimed at the kid. "CRUCIO, you piece of rubbish!"

He fired, a projectile shooting out at the kid. Once it struck, the kid began convulsing on the ground, so Vernon closed the door and turned back to Hermione.

"Anyway, as I was saying before we were rudely interrupted, I wonder if Hogwarts teaches any actually useful skills, like workshop or tax filing. What do you think?"

Hermione had frozen in fear and was currently rethinking her decision to come to Hogwarts. She probably could've lived a normal life, following in her parents' footsteps and becoming a dentist. At least then she wouldn't have to share a train compartment with a madman.

All the while, the train continued onward. Nobody noticed the missing students until they arrived at Hogwarts, where it was too late to go back.

Because Vernon had to go and exceed the weight capacity, causing several train compartments to disconnect, the entire house of Hufflepuff was lost forever.

Author's Note: Recommended music: Istanbul by They Might Be Giants

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Thanks to TheShyDogLover for reminding me that this story exists. Here's an update.