JMJ
Chapter Eight: No Such Thing as a Free Meal
"When do I get that twelve percent of the Cappies purchases, huh?" demanded Dedede first thing the next morning when he saw Susie.
He had not even sat down on his throne yet before he attacked her in such an abrupt manner.
"Yeah, we haven't seen a cent of that money yet," agreed Escargoon nodding.
Evidently, the snail had been busy in Susie's absence putting thoughts into Dedede's head against Susie and the Haltmann Works Company. Susie knew she would have to work quickly.
"Yeah!" agreed Dedede. "Much less percent."
"I'm sorry but the first payment of your percentage due was used up in your robot purchases, Your Majesty," said Susie with a bow.
"That you tricked His Majesty into buying in the first place!" Escargoon said crossing his arms staunchly. "So either you explain yourself or you're outa here, sister, cuz His Majesty doesn't have time for—"
"An eighty-five percent discount on the remodeling of Castle Dedede!" cried Susie quickly.
"Huh?" asked Escargoon and Dedede together.
Clearing her throat with a little laugh, Susie said much calmer, "I felt so terribly yesterday, as I told you, Your Majesty, and I did as you requested. Our great and wonderful President Haltmann has granted you a very generous discount on the remodeling and fixing of your castle which was destroyed by the robots we sold to you."
Escargoon raised a brow. "I thought that Hatlmann Works Company did not take any responsibility for—"
"Did I mention that any extra feature to the castle will also be free within the next three days?" Susie pressed holding up a finger and leaning very close and earnestly next to the king.
Escargoon tried again. "But—"
King Dedede growled, "Shuddup, Escargoon!"
With a slump Escargoon consented, clamping his mouth tightly shut into a terrible grimace, which seemed to cause steam to rise above his head. Then Dedede banged him over the head with his fist, and that caused at least a sort of half grin on a now otherwise stupefied face.
"What kind of free features?" King Dedede asked eagerly.
"But Your Majesty!" Escargoon implored despite being told to shut up. "She's just making an excuse to distract you to make a fool of you! Haven't you ever heard that there's no such thing as a free meal? Caveat emptor? Or even 'you get what you pay for?'"
"This ain't food Escargoon!" snapped Dedede. "This is real merchandise we're talking about here not Kawasaki's garbage! So keep your caviar imports to yourself!"
"Mmph!" growled Escargoon.
"Now show me what you mean about a remodel there, Susie!" demanded Dedede forgetting completely that he had been previously upset with the secretary.
"With pleasure, Your Majesty," bowed Susie, and although Escargoon tried a few more times to interrupt, it was only to eventually get socked in the eyes.
King Dedede was thoroughly engrossed with everything Susie showed him on her computer pad. It did not take long for him to declare under kingly decree that the entirety of Castle Dedede was going to join the modern age of space technology.
Susie felt quite satisfied. Escargoon was sulkier than ever.
"Maybe you should just hire her to be your new servant, after all," he grumbled sarcastically.
Dedede laughed.
"That's a great idea, Escargoon," he said marching away to start directing renovations, "then we could get rid of you and I could use your room for a holographic Dede-dance Revolution stage."
"I'm sure his Majesty is only joking," said Susie with a titter, "so I would just like you to know that this offer extends to the rest of the castle, not just His Majesty's personal quarters. This also includes your quarters, Mr. Escargoon."
Escargoon scowled but refused to dignify her with a response. Regardless of that however, Escargoon did give in within that same day, because the automatic doors and computers on every wall and databases and comforts all started to become very enticing in spite of how much he resented it. Before lunch he told Susie that he too wanted renovations to his room. Inside himself he drooled for some of that science equipment for his own studies, especially.
At the residence of Sir Ebrum and Lady Like's there was some hesitance…
"I don't know, darling," said Lady Like, "I do think we may have to allow some of those renovations too."
"I know what you mean, dearest," admitted Sir Ebrum tapping his chin as they sat over a cup of tea on the sofas, "as much as I think our home is fine the way it is, I'm sure it will not be long before it is an eyesore, not matching the rest of the castle in the space age and all."
"Perhaps just a few renovations wouldn't hurt," said Lady Like.
Tiff who was reading a novel at the table looked up and sighed, "Do we have to?"
"I'm sorry, my dear," said Sir Ebrum, "but we'll have to at least do something to match the rest of castle. After all, the king himself decreed it."
"But the next day he might just change his mind," said Tiff, "it's the way he is. Besides, I don't one hundred percent trust Haltmann Works Company. With computers in every room how will we know whether they're gunna be spying on us or not." To herself she added under her breath, "There's still something weird going on in Wispy Woods too, and I wanted to ask Wispy about it today."
"You won't have to do your own room if you don't want to," said Lady Like.
"I suppose at least the main living and dining area should be renovated," mused Sir Ebrum after a sip of tea.
"Why do we let King Dedede make us do whatever he wants?" demanded Tiff.
"He's the king," both Lady Like and Sir Ebrum said together.
"And although I hesitate to mention it in front of your mother," Sir Ebrum added, "the only reason why I'm default prime minister and not just a cabinet minister is that the rest of the cabinet was fired long ago and some of them weren't just sent away, if you know what I mean."
"Yes, Dad," said Tiff who knew perfectly well what he meant as she had been to Dedede's torture chamber and dungeon herself more than once in her many adventures around the castle—not to mention been threatened with the death penalty a few times by Escargoon directly.
Especially with a family to be concerned about, Tiff knew that he father would not want to risk any negative attention from his part even if his children caused negative attention from the king all the time.
#
"An indoor aquarium pool!" laughed Tuff looking down at the clear shimmering water and the all the interesting things at the bottom for scuba diving if they could get a hold of any gear for it later. "This is the best thing Dedede's ever gotten!"
With a shout of "Cannon ball!" he jumped in with all his might.
He was in his swimming trunks, after all, with an aim to do just what he was doing.
Kirby jumped in after him yelling with a similar tone of voice as Tuff's, "Poyo Poy!"
As Tiff got sprinkled with the tail end of their splashes she sighed. She was not in her swimming suit and had no intention of swimming here even if it was only the principle of the thing. She crossed her arms wearily and looked around at the other children Tuff had invited over.
"What's wrong with the beach?" Tiff asked.
"Nothing!" said Tuff wading a bit after splashing Kirby playfully. "It's just this is new! Things that are new are automatically more interesting than things we get to do all the time!"
"You're just gunna get kicked out anyway," Tiff muttered.
Tuff laughed, "I'd like to see either King Dedede or Escargoon try to get us in here."
The other children laughed too at the idea of Tuff evading the king and his servant in the water. Even if both were capable of swimming, Tiff knew that Tuff was confident that he could out maneuver them like an otter from an elephant and well, a snail.
Glancing up at a giant borderless computer screen on the wall, Tiff could not help but frown. It was showing shows on Channel DDD— old reruns of Dedede and Escargoon's usual slapstick routines; they happened to be showing the ones where he tortured Dedede's Kirby puppet. Almost every room in the castle had Channel DDD going. Even from the bottom of the pool people could watch it because of the clear walls like swimming in a giant aquarium at a zoo.
Tiff was not watching the show so much as she was thinking about how much in conversation Susie would slip out things against them like she thought that the people of Dream Land were just stupid animals to her. Maybe she meant it in the best possible way about helping "primitive life forms", but Tiff seriously doubted it now. She could not help but wonder if they would soon be attractions in a zoo, after all, for Mr. Haltmann's race's entertainment once they trained the people of Dream Land to react correctly to their tricks.
She just burned thinking of that, but her thoughts were interrupted when King Dedede emerged suddenly in his own swimming trunks.
"Wah!" he growled throwing off his signature victory-sign sunglasses. "ESCARGOON! Why are these lowlife kids swimming in my pool!?"
A very grumpy Escargoon appeared from behind him.
"You heard His Majesty!" he snapped shaking his fist. "Get out of that pool!"
Somehow, unbeknownst to him; though it could be guessed that it had had something to do with Tuff he got a good splash in the face.
"Ah!" Escargoon cried.
After Escargoon was sopping wet and growling at Tuff who was smiling at him innocently, Kirby joined in with a small slash of his own cheerily to join the fun.
King Dedede snarled, "Get those kids out of there!"
Without moving, Escargoon closed his eyes.
"Come on, guys," said Tiff suddenly scooting off the stone ledge she had been sitting on and approaching the pool. "Just get out. It's not worth it."
"Hey!" snapped Escargoon. "We don't need your help!"
"I don't care who gets them out!" said Dedede stamping his foot. "Just get them out! Waddle Dees!"
"Uh oh!" said Tuff.
The other children gasped and were out of the pool in the blink of an eye. Tuff leapt out last with Kirby bounding behind as though it was all a great game. A trail of water left the pool room and Tiff almost tripped as she followed the others. King Dedede and Escargoon laugh even if she did catch herself on the stone ledge again. She tried not to look back at them as she left the room.
Once the children were long gone, Dedede was quite pleased again.
"That's more like it," he said with a nod. "Escargoon, get me some lemonade while I enjoy my pool."
"Sure thing, Your Majesty," said Escargoon.
When he returned however, Dedede had apparently forgotten his drink and was talking to Susie again about the renovations and buying a self-inflating inner tube (as if those had not been invented long ago already). Dedede certainly seemed happy with it though.
"The perfect support!" Dedede commented.
Look at her, what a suck up, what a fake! thought Escargoon as he glared at Susie. I know she finds King Dedede just as much as a stupid scumbag as I do and yet just look at her. Look at her. That cheery façade, the innocent laugh, that always conveniently being there when Dedede needs her, and he soaks it all up like a big bloated sponge.
He seethed inwardly. It was enough to make him want to explode.
As Escargoon sulkily entered the pool room, he did not notice the trail of water left behind by the earlier pool raiders, and he slipped.
"Ah!" cried Escargoon.
Luckily having so much support under him being a snail as he was he was able to catch himself before he got really hurt, but unluckily the sudden jolt did make the glass of lemonade the Waddle Dees had just handed him on a tray to fall off and crash onto the floor.
With another yelp he leapt back—not just from the surprise and the fear of upsetting the king but also because no one wanted to step on broken glass in a pool room.
Dedede and Susie turned at the sharp echoing shatter the glass made as it struck the floor.
"You clumsy dope, Escargoon," growled Dedede.
"Don't—don't worry, Sire, I'll get the Waddle Dees to take care of it, right away!" Escargoon announced and quickly added, "And get you a fresh glass too!"
But just as he turned to leave, Susie said with an unperturbed shrug, "Oh, there's no need. The pool comes automatically equipped with hazard-censoring cleaners."
Even as she spoke, small hovering, disk-shaped bots slipped out from the pool walls and quickly cleaned up every spec of glass.
"Now that sure is service!" Dedede laughed.
"Yeah," grumbled Escargoon. To himself he added, "This is worse than that cleaning robot monster from Nightmare Enterprises."
"What was that?"
"Nothing, Sire," sang Escargoon in return followed by a nervous laugh. "I was just getting your fresh lemonade."
#
Later that evening, after Escargoon surveyed the renovations to his own room with unfortunate satisfaction, he found Dedede playing on the new escalator stairs. These proved in every way to be an improvement from the usual mall escalators too. Sleek, half-floating in the air, moving at adjustable speeds, and just all around pleasant to look at from a design point of view, they were admittedly masterful.
"Hey, Escargoon! Check this out!" said Dedede walking up the down escalator so that he was not going anywhere.
"That's great, Your Majesty," said Escargoon apathetically.
Though he tried to force a smile, it turned out to be a very weak and sickly one.
As if it's any better than having a throne that can run on a track behind the walls of the castle, thought Escargoon.
"I sure wish Susie was here all the time!" said Dedede. "It's like having my own genie 24/7!"
"It sure is, Sire," agreed Escargoon more annoyed than before as he lowered his eyes and absently looked at an non-existent nail (being a snail he didn't have any fingernails), but blinking the scowl away he cleared his throat and said, "Well, if you're done getting your exercising for the evening, you may want to know that dinner is served."
"Oh, great! What's for chow!?"
"Whatever that chef robot thing decided to cook up," grumbled Escargoon making his way to the dining room himself. "It just better cook better than Kawasaki."
Leaping over the rail to come down the down-facing escalator, Dedede hurried after Escargoon and passed him to get his supper.
"What highly-concentrated corn-syrup pod did he eat to make him so hyper?" remarked Escargoon. "I haven't seen him this energetic since say—never…"
When he got to the dining room, which was as futuristic as the rest of the castle now, he sat on his floating seat and picked away at his strangely very tasty supper. All he could think of was all those stupid cooking monsters that could have done just as well, and he glared at Susie suspiciously as he wondered if there was something wrong with this food. Would it make him hypnotized into eating more or into becoming a slave of Mr. Haltmann's? Would it make him sick or expand the cells in his body to their limit? Was it just simply poison that would kill with a deadly heartburn in the middle of the night?
Susie paid not the least bit attention or she pretended not to.
He chewed very slowly, allowing his taste buds to examine every morsel for anything suspicious as he watched for any sign of a flicker in the corner of Susie's eyes. The fact that she was eating to did nothing to persuade him of her innocence.
Then he suddenly announced: "I think with all the excitement, I've been overcome with fatigue. I think I'll turn in early if that's okay, Your Majesty."
He expected King Dedede to refuse. He usually did refuse such requests from Escargoon when he made them so openly. Most of the time when Escargoon needed some time to himself he would just slip off when the king was occupied. Although he sincerely was tired and tired of the situation at hand and would not have minded in the least going to bed early, he could not wait for that refusal, but King Dedede delayed it as he happily ate away at his meal as though he had not heard him.
After a moment of silence, Escargoon asked timidly, "Your Majesty?"
"Whaddya want?" demanded Dedede with a shrug.
"May I be excused?"
"Yeah, whatever," replied the king.
Escargoon made a face. "Are you sure? You won't be needing me to set up your bed or get your pajamas and a cup of herbal tea with honey or anything like that?"
"No," said Dedede beginning at last to sound annoyed, but only because Escargoon was pestering him, and Escargoon knew it.
"But who will do those things for you?" asked Escargoon.
Susie eyed him strangely, and it made Escargoon even more upset.
"Sire?" he asked.
"My room takes care of all that for me automagically now!" declared King Dedede. "If you wanna go to bed then go, no one's stopping you."
Escargoon was struck to the core at such a statement. The shattered glass from the pool room seemed to return to shatter a second time in his mind, but he quickly shook his head and shook the hurt expression from his face not wanting Susie to see it, after all. He quickly got up in a great huff.
In his bed chamber, he suddenly regretted not eating much for he felt pretty hungry. He took out a tin of cookies his mother had sent him and was happy to see that at least two cookies did remain. After eating both of them he got himself ready for bed and then squeezed his eyes shut so that he could not see what he had just done to space-age his own room, which he regretted doing now. The bed he had left the same, anyway, except for the mattress so at least the covers the usual ones and he held them as tightly as he closed his eyes.
But he suddenly shook his head.
"Oh," he murmured. "This won't last forever. His fads never do. Then everything will go back to normal again…"
Relaxing his hold on the covers he then allowed himself to drift into sleep with that hope.
#
Next morning he felt much refreshed. The late sun filtered in through his room just like it used to. Now that the light of day shone on everything, and his room did not look quite so changed as it had last night in the glow of a neo lava-lamp-like contraption with stars and planets inside swirling slowly about.
Once he was set for the day, he made his way to find the king. He was up a little later than usual, he suddenly realized too, and he did not want Dedede to come looking for him. He was not in his room or in the dining hall so that meant he was in the throne room, he guessed.
He pushed upon the broad, D-shaped handles and just as he entered he saw Dedede upon his throne, though of course it was sleeker now. It got under his skin just a little that Susie entered from another direction bringing something to him like a faithful dog.
Escargoon closed his eyes briefly and swallowed his irritation, but just as he opened his eyes and his mouth to give the king his best, "Good morning" King Dedede opened his own big beak at Susie's approach.
She bowed politely.
King Dedede said, "Why if it ain't my faithful servant Susie!?"
Lightning struck.
#
Escargoon awoke with a start and a gasp; though there was no lightning outside his window as he looked. Still panting heavily with eyes swollen and wide, he clutched his blankets and stood upright in bed. There was a light shower underway sprinkling his windows. After a few moments he calmed himself down a little and took a glass of water, which rose to meet him of its own accord on his new nightstand. This surprised him a little at first as he was still so jumpy from the dream, but he drank the water slowly and sighed.
Then he shook his head.
"That's it!" he snapped. "I'm gunna put a stop to this once and for all! Somehow. Hmm. I just need to think."
#
Tiff did not eat much either as at her own home they had similar cooking by a similar food-making robot as the one the king had. Her mind was deep in thought about this whole Haltmann Works Company thing anyway, but she needed a place to think better for a bit and clear her head. As soon as she could she excused herself. Then quietly, she slipped out into the castle corridors.
For a long time she meandered the castle passing a Waddle Dee or two. Then at last she reached the main doors.
She made her way outside and onto the grounds, which had not been tampered with yet. The next day when the grounds would be renovated she was not looking forward to. Then there would be no place at the castle to go to escape this madness except maybe in her room. It almost made her want to move in the Kirby and Takori.
The sky looked a bit cloudy. The smell of the sea rose strong and had recently accompanied the short shower that had just passed, but a pale moon peeked through the clouds now even if Tiff guessed another shower would begin soon.
It was the sort of night she would have liked to see Meta Knight, though. She hoped he would come out of the shadows in his mysterious way and tell her something that all the distractions of the day had caused her to miss, but she did not see him. He did not appear.
Closing her eyes she sat down on the fountain ledge, and put her chin in her hands. She took a deep breath to release a heavy sigh, but just as she was about to release it, a deeper-voiced sigh released ahead of her own just loud enough to be heard over the sound of the water of the fountain. She looked up in alarm, and she saw not far away along the ledge of the fountain Escargoon sitting there with a very focused sort of look.
Tiff raised a brow. "Escargoon?"