{NOTE: I had a very good and thoughtful comment on the last submission, which made me reflect on how important this chapter is. I agree with the commenter that I had overlooked some of the emotions at the end of the chapter. This is a revised version with a slightly different last couple of paragraphs.}

This is a key chapter in the story. "Maelstrom", at many levels, is a transitional episode setting up the story of Kara and previewing the darkness of season 4. In parallel, in the modern story of Helena, it is a transitional episode as well.

Rated M.

Chapter 34

It took a few minutes for Helena's eyes to adjust to the darkness. Once they did, she realized that the cave was not completely dark; some light was filtering from small cracks in the rock on the upper right side. It was more a narrow corridor leading downhill. Elosha was making her way slowly, waiting for Helena to catch up. Helena wondered if this was a natural cave or rather a passage that had been carved thousands of years ago. As she walked down on the path, bioluminescent organisms, moss or maybe fungi, that seemed to be growing along the walls of the damp rock replaced the natural light. Helena found them incredibly pretty. The path started to rise again, turned, and they merged into a spacious cave, with a tall ceiling and rock formations that seemed to have been carved into little habitations. Some little houses had been formed with rocks and, in the middle of the vast cave, there was a green pond fed by a stream with sparse moss on its edges. Light was filtering from above the pond and lanterns were illuminating some of the housing along the rock walls. Helena counted about two dozen habitations. Children came running towards them and several women and men poked their heads curious out of their houses' windows. Some women and men were sitting by the pond, washing fabric and clothes, chatting and laughing. Some others were carrying baskets with fruits and grains. It was a very animated village, which felt comfortable and reassuring.

Elosha turned to Helena and with a big smile said:

"Welcome to Caprica".

"We were able to move back in my old office and quarters, once the crew had completed all of the repairs from the raptor's impact. I was glad to be able to breathe a bit; I had been getting claustrophobic in the cramped quarters below. I also was glad to have a private bathroom again. Yes, I was privileged too. I feel quite shameful that I am complaining when so many others do not even get close to the luxury of accommodations I have. But certainly I am grateful for this."

"I talked on the phone with Bill. I explained to him my rotation and what it unveiled on the fleet situation. A real look on the inside and it was not pretty. I had an emergency meeting of the Quorum and we talked about first steps to tackle immediately health care and education. It is not as if we had a lot of supplies. We were forced to ration everything, and we needed to assure everyone had equal access to medication, food and basic services such as education. Bill informed me that the fleet would be refueling, now that the Tylium processing plant had been functioning at full capacity and that we had fuel stocks again. Settled around a gas giant planet, we started the fueling operations."

"Later the very same day I heard that Starbuck, Kara Thrace, had spotted a cylon raider and followed it into the upper atmosphere of the gas giant, rescued at the last minute by Lee Adama. Bill was upset; he told me, when we talked again on the phone again, that he thought she was burning out. I would not be surprised. Kara was one who received long months of detention on New Caprica, with a particularly disturbing form of psychological torture. We had been under so much stress that we all were bound to crack at some point. Kara was particularly strong, brave and certainly the best pilot they had. It was not easy for Bill to admit that she may have just reached her limit. He had told me how much he loved her. She was the last link to his dead son, since she had been his son's fiancée, before he died. She was a daughter to him. Bill told me that he would trust the decision of Lee, who was the CAG. Lee told him that grounding Kara was akin to a death sentence and he was worried she would not bear it and loose completely her self-confidence."

"This morning I got a call from Dr. Cottle telling me that my blood test results had come back and I should drop by sickbay. He had an appointment slot late morning, so I decided to go have breakfast with Bill. He picked me up at my shuttle and we walked the corridors to his quarters talking about the supplies and how they should be allocated. The truth was, we were both so happy to see each other again. We had spent so many hours in the past few days working and reorganizing the fleet after the strike that we really had not time to take a break. We had an uneventful meeting, discussing fleet matters and I confessed to him how upset I was about the state of the fleet. I wrote down my memos and then sat down next to him on the sofa admiring the wonderful wooden model ship he was building.

'This is beautiful.'

'It helps me focus my mind away from everyday trouble' he chuckled.

I continued our earlier discussion about some of the terrible poverty I had witnessed on certain ships as I visited with Cottle.

'I simply can't believe, Bill, that I have been oblivious to this for so long' I said, upset.

'You can only do as much' he said.

'Bill, I'm the president! If I cannot help those kids, then who can? We need to do something. I know we do not have much anymore, but we have to allocate supplies fairly!' I continued with my rant. I was deeply upset at myself for letting these conditions arise and continue.

I caught him looking at me over his cup of fake coffee with a little smile.

'What?'

'I keep on seeing you soaked after spending a day and a night searching for those people after the mud slide'

I nodded.

'That's not funny, Bill,' but then I added 'We lost so many on New Caprica.'

'I will keep those days forever in my memory,' he whispered.

And there it was again, our friendship and the emotion of something more. I remembered the pain of that night and how desperate I had been. I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking of his tender care, his gentleness and the lovemaking. I had tried to forget these moments in detention. When I opened my eyes again I found him still watching me unabashedly.

'Yeah' I smiled. I would have liked to elaborate more on this tempting memory, but I had to go to my appointment.

'I have to go to Cottle' I whispered, breaking the spell.

'I'll walk with you' he said standing up and helping me out of the chair. 'Madame President, this way.'

I smiled at him and we walked together along the corridor, discussing the refueling procedures and how long it would take.

We were stopped along the way by Kara Thrace, who looked so happy. She was coming back from shuttle bay and chatted for a minute with Bill. She gave him a little bronze statue of Aurora, Goddess of the dawn, to put on his ship.

Kara said: 'She brings the morning star and a fair wind… a fresh start'.

It made me happy to see her smiling and I could tell how delighted Bill was from his present. Yes, in more ways that one, she was his daughter."

"When we arrived in sick bay, we were welcomed by a grumbling Dr. Cottle. I'm not sure what it was, maybe his eyes a bit darker, or wrinkles not quite reaching his temples when he greeted me in a brief smile. I caught his eyes on me in all of their sadness... I felt as if I stepped inside a cold chamber. My breath caught in my chest and I stopped. Dr. Cottle never could lie to me. Bill looked at me and then at him, alarmed.

'Admiral, I will call you, when we are done' said Dr. Cottle in a low voice. The two men exchanged a silent and meaningful message as a few seconds elapsed. Bill took my hand to give it a brief squeeze and then he left.

I walked slowly to the examination table and sat on it. I felt as if the walls were constricting around me and I grabbed the edge on the table not to fall.

'It's back, isn't it?' I could only whisper, 'how bad?'

'I don't know,' he replied honestly, 'you have three elevated cancer antigen markers. One of the three occurs in metastatic cancer. I have to examine you now. The blood test markers are rather imprecise; they can misrepresent reality'.

He handed me a gown and stepped out to let me undress. My hands were shaking. How was that possible? How could the cancer be back? The cylon blood had cured me. I was fumbling with the buttons of my jacket and skirt, suddenly uncoordinated. I made an effort to steady my breath, slowly inhaling on a count of five, holding for two counts and breathing slowly by the mouth on seven counts. And then again. Another time, until I stopped shaking enough to be able to remove my clothes. I laid back and looked at the ceiling as he did his exam in silence. I do not know if I wanted him to comment on his findings. His silence was unsettling. The expression on his face was grave. Tears started to run on my temples and fell on the crinkly paper of the examination table, while he was gently searching for signs of tumors in my breasts and then did a pelvic exam. He followed his exam with a sonogram. I heard him remove his gloves and he helped me sit up, offering me a tissue. I was looking down. Only a few minutes had elapsed… and my life was shaken again. I felt I knew the path all too well. I would have liked to recover the carefree moments of the morning. Now my chest was tight and I could hear my heart throbbing in my temples.

' I would like to put you in the MRI, right now.' He said firmly.

'Alright.' I said, swallowing a painful lump in my throat. We may as well know the extent of the damage right away.

Numb, I followed him to the MRI room. The exam took a long time; I knew he was thorough. I wanted it to be over. Then, he gently told me to get dressed and meet him back in his office. There was just silence in my mind, as if my life had stopped. All the worries, the thoughts of work, plans for the fleet, all of it had stopped.

Back in the office with him, I waited. No need to fight this overwhelming feeling. I just let if flow through me. He cleared his throat.

'I'm afraid it has spread,' he said, 'you have metastatic breast cancer. There is a very small tumor on the left ovary as well'

I managed to articulate, 'how long?'

'If you start Doloxan right away, and we remove your ovaries, I would say about six to eight months. Maybe longer. It is hard to say.'

Doloxan, of course, the treatment of choice, which made you sicker than the cancer! I could not feel anything. I felt as if the ground had opened below me and I was getting swallowed whole into emptiness.

'I want to be alone.'

'I'm sorry' He added, nodding, before he left. I stayed there silent for long minutes, shaken, numb and unable to even process the news. It was back and I was going to die.

A few minutes later maybe –I could not even process how much time later-, Dr. Cottle came back. I had not moved.

'We have to discuss, when we are beginning the treatment.' He picked a pen and started to write notes on my file.

'No', I said, 'not yet.'

He looked up.

'Madame President, you cannot wait.'

'I am not going to take the stand during Baltar's trial, while vomiting, with my hair falling out and in pain from the recovery of a surgery. It'll have to wait'

'Madame President…'

'It's not negotiable.' I stated firmly looking at him in the eyes. He sighed, got up and turned around leading me to the hatch.

'Then I would suggest you expedite this trial. Time is not on your side.'

Dr. Cottle must have called Bill, because he had come to pick me up and we walked in a heavy silence back to his quarters. The first thing Bill did was to place a call to CIC that he should not be disturbed unless there was an extreme emergency. I barely heard him, as I sat in shock on the sofa and waited for him to hang up the phone."

"The model ship was still there in all of its splendor. My coffee cup, I left there this morning, was still half full. It was all the same. It was all different. I left late morning unaware that I bore death in my body and returned to the same place hours later in shock. Bill did not question me. He knew. He just sat next to me on the sofa and took my hands in both of his.

'It's metastatic', I said softly, 'It's in the breasts and Cottle saw a tumor on one ovary. He wants to take both ovaries out.'

He looked at me and I saw tears in his eyes.

I remembered our earlier talk and our emotion. I remembered the softness and tenderness we had shared. I needed it now. There was no space for strategies, discussions and long worded plans. It was simple in its painful realization. No more pretenses. There was only room for care and tenderness. Simple basic comfort. I leaned over and I slowly kissed him. I kissed him, because I wanted to feel him and taste him, and because I was going to die. It did not matter anymore. He tasted of those sunny and rainy New Caprican days. I tasted his tears and mine too. I knew the Doloxan would rob me of my physical well-being. I knew nausea and muscle weakness lay ahead, with increased risks of infection. I wanted to do the treatment, for him. I wanted to fight this. The first time around, I felt I had nothing to loose. It was not the case anymore. There was only little time left before my body would deteriorate: just about three little weeks, for the trial to take place, and then a descent in hell. I had seen my mother endure rounds of chemotherapy, robbing her of her life little by little. We kissed again and again with a desperate passion. This was about being alive, right at this instant. He ran his hands in my hair. I closed my eyes, more tears burning under my eyelids.

'Your hair' he said sadly in a soft low voice.

I shook my head, 'No, please, don't…' fighting back a new wave of tears and swallowing hard. I could not let him go there.

'It will grow back', he said, wiping my tears off my cheeks, 'when you're done with the treatment'. How could he possibly believe I would survive this? How could he not know that this was a death sentence? Then, it occurred to me that he just refused to see it. He held me in his arms, gently rubbing my back. My head rested on his shoulder.

'Bill, I… I would like…' I stopped. How could I tell him? How could I ask without begging?' I gently turned his face toward me and kissed him again, my desire rising.

'You're still the president.' he whispered thereafter.

'Yes, I am' I said, my voice breaking, and then I added '…before my body falls apart… while I'm still a full person.'

He looked at me for a long time in my eyes, serious and grave. I could tell he was torn, thinking about the implications of my demand on our responsibilities.

'Alright', he said softly and he got up. He turned off the lights by the sofa and table and came back to me, taking my hand and helping me up. We walked slowly to the sleeping area while holding each other. Our kissing and touching were tender and emotional. I realized how much I had missed this since New Caprica. I had missed the intimacy and this deepest spiritual communion with another person, losing myself in burning sensations, love given, received and shared equally. I had missed Bill so much that it hurt and somehow the pain I had felt during the long cylon occupation was still there. I had tried forgetting him at the lowest points of my detention, when I had lost all hope of survival. I had been violated and intimately exposed. Even if a rape did not happen in fact, I bore engraved inside me humiliation and terror. And while I very much wanted to share physical and spiritual intimacy with him, I was also very anxious to expose myself. My first instinct was to turn off the light, so he would not see me naked. As I was reaching for the light switch by his bed, he gently took my hand away from the switch, his gaze questioning. I was shaking, my chest and throat tight.

'I'm scared' I managed to whisper. He came closer to me and ran his hands in my hair, kissing my forehead, cheeks, and mouth.

'Look at me, Laura,' I looked into his eyes, 'we do not have to do this, if you're not ready. There is time.'

'No, Bill, I don't have time. I'm ready. I just... I just need your help and I want this very much.' I stumbled a little over those words, my emotions overwhelming, and my voice shaking and dropping an octave. I am not really one to admit openly my fears and request help.

'Are you sure?' He looked at me in my eyes for several seconds, giving me the time to change my mind, if I wanted to. I knew he would never do anything without my consent.

I nodded, 'Yes, I'm sure.'

Without speaking, he understood me, holding me gently in his arms. When we first made love back on New Caprica, I had no such worries. I trusted him so completely that I could entirely let go of my reservations and be fully present in the moment with him. Now, with the abuse I endured in detention, I was scared. I knew that there was no logical reason to be, except for the fact that I had been hurt. I knew he would never hurt me, yet I could not let go of that deep irrational fear.

Not pushing me, he hugged me tight while rubbing circles on my back over my shirt, and whispered: 'It will be ok, Laura. There's no rush.'

He continued holding me, kissing me and caressing me over my clothes until I was ready and the urge of feeling him against my bare skin became irresistible. I looked down, when I removed my skirt. I unbuttoned my shirt and slowly took a deep breath as he held me against his chest in a tender hug, while his hands ran on my back under the fabric. When he pushed the collar aside to kiss my shoulder, I closed my eyes and relaxed into the warm sensation of his embrace and the skin of his chest against mine. He looked into my eyes for permission, before he pulled my shirt down my arms and away. Instinctively, his eyes searched the scars on my lower back and I withdrew.

'Laura...' I looked up to his eyes, worried. What I saw there was just tenderness.

'Laura. This...' He lightly touched my lower back, where pearly white and pink scars lay on my skin, 'this doesn't matter to me. I just want to make sure you're alright.' He added, pointing at his chest with the long scar he had from the surgery to remove the bullets that nearly killed him, 'I have one too' with a big smile. We both had our battles. We both were warriors in this unspeakable war.

'Lay down on your stomach, Laura' he said softly. And after a brief hesitation, I did. He unhooked my bra, moved my hair out of the way and slowly massaged the tense muscles of my shoulders, kneading the painful knots he found there. I had not realized how uptight I was until his fingers found sore muscles to soothe. I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply starting to relax, as he massaged my back slowly from neck down loosening up all of the tension out of my muscles. This felt so good. On my lower back and hips, his fingers gently traced each scar, in a light caress, followed soon by gentle open-mouthed kisses. My heart nearly breaking at so much love and tenderness, I turned around, shed the remainder of my clothes and pulled him in my arms for a long hug. I cried quietly as I felt his skin against mine, overcome again by emotion.

'How are you?' He asked, concerned.

'This is home, here with you. I missed you so much' I replied wiping my tears and smiling at him.

'Me too'

We held each other, determined to make this last as long as possible and enjoy each moment. We relearned each other's bodies through the night. It was less about sex, than it was about reconnecting at this deeper intimate and spiritual level. It was about living and feeling. It was about fighting cancer. This was different than on New Caprica, where we burned with desire, one time high from the weed and the second time consuming our fear, pain and grief. We wanted to be present with each other and enjoy this fully and slowly; we knew that this was the last time my body would be untouched by the disease and the chemo. Probably the last time I would be able to make love and enjoy it without physical pain, nausea and fatigue. I knew all too well what cancer does to a body. I had lived it once already. This was 'a one time only' moment; I wanted to make it count. I knew that I would have to face my responsibilities as president the next day with lots of work and a trial to worry about. I knew that my people would never forgive their president sleeping with their admiral. A steady relationship would not be possible in the open, and, if any, our times together would be only stolen times. The press would have a field day on that one. There was too much at stake. Yet, the woman in me wanted to allow myself this little extravagance, this last exploration of my senses before my body would be robbed of its integrity. I wanted to feel and to love just for this moment. "

"I had sworn I would not spend the whole night and I did. We did not sleep much. Luckily, there was no emergency to attend in the middle of the night. We talked and we made love, and dozed off, talked again and made love again. I wanted time to stop at this moment, when we were holding each other. And while the pain of learning of my cancer was still there, it felt easier to carry with him on my side, sharing it. For the first time too, I finally found catharsis from the abuse I suffered on New Caprica's detention."

"I wanted time to stop and the morning never to come. I lay cuddled in his arms refusing to sleep, making memories of every feeling and each touch, his breath, his scent and his heartbeat against the skin of my cheek. He kept on running his fingers in my hair and caressing my shoulder. We were quiet, in a mixture of love, peace and also pain. I looked up at his eyes and he kissed my forehead. I knew our relationship would be different than it had been and that we still had to maintain our respective duties and responsibilities. I knew it was just this once and we would be back in the morning in the roles we played. Merciless, the hands on his old fashioned clock kept on moving and no matter how much I wanted time to stop, I knew I did not have such powers. At four in the morning, we looked at each other, separated our entwined bodies and we silently got out of bed. In the many conversations we had through the night, Bill had said he wanted me to start the treatments right away. I knew it would be hard. While I understood his urgency, there was no way I would allow anyone to see me, weakened and sick, at the trial. I would be much too easy of a target if I was perceived sick and dying. I was not even sure I would be able to last without vomiting or collapsing in pain. This was completely out of question. Bill respected my decision, although I could tell he was not pleased by it. I did not know when I would be back on Galactica. In between the trial preparations and the implementation of my new plan on education and training, I would be fully busy for the next couple of weeks. Another time in the night, he had made me promise to rest more and I did promise. He promised to call me at least once a day to check on me."

"Soon enough, I was all dressed and the moment had passed. And now there was only silence. When I took his hands in mine and looked at him in his eyes, I felt as if a void opened under my feet. We looked at each other for a while; I saw tears filling his eyes. Everything was said in an instant. This night was already a memory. Gone, never to come back. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. I closed my eyes, just feeling... feeling, letting seconds trickle in my consciousness. He took my head in his hands and we exchanged a long intimate kiss. My emotions were overwhelming, and I had to leave before I would start sobbing. I had to leave before I would see him cry. I had to leave before I would not have the strength to leave anymore. I turned around and never looking back I almost ran to my shuttle."

"I was glad I had sneaked out very early in the morning before anyone would notice my absence on Colonial One. Fortunately nobody saw me aside from the shuttle pilot, as I let my tears flow sitting in the rear of the shuttle. Back in my little cramped room on Colonial One, after taking a long shower, I finally found some sleep."

I have rewritten this chapter many times. It was a difficult decision to put the time that Laura found out about her cancer during the "Maelstrom" episode. My rationale is that it is unlikely that Laura would have told Bill about the cancer during Crossroads part I, when Lee detects the chamalla in her tea in CIC, as she would not have shared such private information with Bill in such a semi-public setting. I think he knew about it before that, but maybe he was unaware she started to take chamalla and resumed her visions at that point. It also would be unlikely that Laura would have told the press the truth in Crossroads, but instead chose to tell them she only knew about the cancer recently. Also what was Laura doing on Galactica during Maelstrom? I figured she was visiting Dr. Cottle. When Kara dies, the complete breakdown of Adama could come from the ordeal with losing his 'daughter' and learning Laura had cancer did not help. In "The Son Also Rises", Adama is coming to Colonial One often to interview the lawyers and Laura is on Galactica a lot. They seem to need each other a bit more during those hard times.

It was a difficult choice to have them make love one last time before her treatments. They seemed to have become closer since "A Day inThe Life". Their relationship will get more difficult thereafter and she will be getting sicker from the side effects of the treatment. I figured that Laura would know how her body would fall apart from the cancer, and also chose get closure from her detention's physical abuse and find some healing at this level.

I did not want of course of this chapter to weaken what happens later in Season 4, and so I hesitated greatly.

Please Review. This is a very important chapter. I cannot wait to hear your comments.

Thanks for reading! :)