Could this be the world's worst combination Pun/Dad Joke?

When Sue got home from work after a long and difficult day, she threw the front door open, staggered down the hall and collapsed face first onto the sofa.

"You look tired" her husband noticed "Would you like me to make dinner?"

"Hmmft" she mumbled through the sofa cushion.

"How about some grilled fish followed by crepes for dessert?" he asked.

"Yes please; I love crepe" Sue said.

Do you get it? If not I'll explain at the end of the chapter.

Chapter 87

Up a Lazy River

A few days later, the good ship One and All sailed over (yes over, not under) what was once the magnificent Golden Gate Bridge, before turning north towards San Pablo Bay. The relatively short journey of only a few days had been very tense because Carson Rake definitely did not trust the people he travelled with and they in turn did not trust him.

Adding to the tension were two indisputable facts; firstly the crew of the One and All made it quite clear that Rake was not to go below deck unescorted because of the fear he may try to sabotage the gun lifting mechanism, nor did they want him to know about the ships hidden sub hold keel fitted by the engineers from the Railgun. The second fact was Carson Rake still had reason to suspect that this was really a ruse by the people of El Centro to find the Raiders base and take out the rest of their ships with the One and All's guns.

As the ship moved through the mouth of the Sacramento River, Jack finally had one of his suspicions verified when he noticed a glint of sunlight from the high ground above the north bank.

"Someone's watching us" he said to Rake.

"You can be sure word has already gotten through to Sacramento; and I dare say someone has recognised this ship as the one that attacked us" the Raider replied.

"Attacked? I see you still can't tell the difference between attack and defence" Jack huffed "So what do you suggest for our next move?"

"There's a town up ahead named Rio Vista; I suggest you pull into the old marina on the port side."

"Is that where you keep your ships?" Jack asked.

"Ha! You're still a long way from our base and even further away from getting me to tell you where it is.

Jack left Rake standing near the bow and went to check on the readiness of the crew.

"All set for any trouble" he asked Marion.

"Got a spotter in the nest and I'm about to put on my deck ghillie" she replied.

"Good" Jack said and turned to Jose "Be sure you are seen by any people on shore, but don't make yourself to big of a target."

"Don't worry Jack" Jose grinned "I'll make sure nobody notices our secret weapon."

Considering the poor condition of San Francisco, the area around the Rio Vista marina was very well maintained, so it was obvious there were people living there even though none could be seen at the current time. The only thing that really bothered Jack was the old Coast Guard station they had just gone passed. There was a small steel hulled vessel not much bigger than the One and All tied up at the dock, and as he checked it out through a set of binoculars, Jack could not see anyone on board.

Carson Rake directed the helmsman to bring the ship in to a wooden dock just inside the marina but Jack refused to confirm the order, telling his crewman to tie up at another dock out on the river itself.

"I don't want to risk taking the ship in when I don't know the depth of the water" he explained.

"It's deep enough" Rake barked.

"Good to know, but I'm still not taking my ship in" Jack insisted.

With the gangway in place, Cid and Haley appeared from below deck and joined Jack at the port gunwale. Rake led the three ashore and the all walked to what appeared to be an abandoned building by the shore.

"Wait here" Rake said as continued forward another five paces.

"HEY... IT'S CARSON!" he called out.

"Have you brought those bastards here to sink the rest of our ships?" a voice drifted though one of the windows.

"They want to talk to us about calling a truce" Rake replied.

Two men stepped out of the nearest door and stood under the eaves of the building. Even though both their faces remained in the shadows, Rake knew instantly one of them was a stranger.

"What's going on here Lex?" he asked with suspicion "Who's this guy?"

"This is Neville Sage" the one named Lex replied "He came here a few days ago from the Mather Airport Compound."

Jack's ears picked up the much needed information about the compounds location, and at the mention of the newcomers name.

"Mather Airport must be the Hyperloop terminal" he whispered to Cid.

"What does this Sage guy want?" Rake asked blatantly.

"I've come here to offer help" Sage declared.

"Is he going to give back the people we lost; the friends we thought were dead?" Rake gave up the information to early.

Jack and Cid tried not to let their panic show. They had not expected to see someone from the Bunker here and when Rake revealed what they had discovered from Professor Adisa, the element of surprise for their planned attack on the bunker was now lost.

"He already has" Lex said proudly.

Sage took a step forward and smiled graciously at the surprised group.

"You see my friends, I recently arrived from Mars where I was in charge of the security of the base as well as the entire planet. I discovered that former Prime Governor Redding had been up to some atrocious things and so I have deposed him and taken over. It is my intention to resume the evacuation of the Earth by taking over control of the only facility still able to send people off planet; the Railgun Complex in West Sumatra."

Jack started to turn slightly pale but Carson Rake was quite excited. Not only would they not have to fight to get their friends back, but it looked like the years of struggle could be coming to an end.

"How about the people from the El Centro area" Cid cried out "Have they been released too?"

"They can be" Sage said smugly "but first there are still people here who would like to keep the means to leave Earth for themselves; the people who brought professor Adisa here for example."

Rake turned around and gave Jack a very dirty look. He felt as if his mistrust of these people had been justified.

"You knew about this and where not going to tell us" he accused "You were going to send us to attack the compound as cannon fodder and then leave when you'd gotten your friends back."

"That guy is lying" Jack declared "When the Railgun is rebuilt, everyone will be given the chance to evacuate. The only reason we didn't say anything is that it isn't ready yet."

Sage smugness rose to an elite level as he took the advantage.

"I was willing to let everyone know about it, but who can say if you would have ever owned up" he said.

"I know the people in Sumatra" Jack declared "and there is no reason for you to try and take over; just let Doctor Spencer know you want to be part of it the evacuation and..."

"And what?" Sage interrupted "And join the line behind you and the rest of the world? Wait for another twenty years while friends and family die all around us? I think these people have waited long enough."

"But Doctor Spencer has only recently had the means to send people off world; she and her team have been waiting just as long as we have."

"And if I let them go first, who will be left with the expertise to send the rest of us?" Sage argued.

"Most of the people I met do not intend to leave at all" Jack said proudly "They have already dedicated their lives to the Mars Project and intend to keep going as long as they are capable."

"And you believe them?" Sage laughed "How foolish can you be?"

"And why should we believe the crap you're spouting" Jack said accusingly.

"I CAME BACK HERE FROM THE SAFETY OF MARS TO HELP YOU PEOPLE" Sage barked out "AND I INTEND TO SAVE AS MANY PEOPLE FROM EARTH AS I CAN; AND I WON'T LET ANYONE LIKE YOU, WITH AN OVER DEVELOPED SENSE OF PRIVILEGE, STOP ME FROM DOING SO!"

It was a shame none of the people present really knew what kind of person Neville Sage was. He could so easily accuse everyone else of having the same disgusting traits he himself possessed. Now that he had told Rake what he wanted to hear, Jack and Cid had no chance left to convince the Raiders to join with them.

"So when will you release the people taken from us?" Cid asked again.

"It all depends on you" Sage replied "I don't want to hold them any longer than I need to, but if you refuse to join us, in what is really a very noble endeavour, then I would be foolish to release ANYONE who would only turn around and fight against these good people."

"We don't want to fight them" Cid admitted "We just want to take our friends and go."

"YOU MEAN GO TO SUMATRA WHERE YOU WILL WARN OUR ENEMIES OF OUR PLAN AND ATTACK US WHEN WE ARRIVE? You must think I am very foolish indeed!" Sage growled.

"Time to make up your mind Carson; are you going to side with these devious people, or come with us?" Lex asked his friend.

"Of course I'm coming with you" Rake replied and strode up the dock towards shore.

"The rest of you have a choice to make as well" Sage noted "You can join me and be one of the good guys, or you can stay here as prisoners of war."

"We're not at war!" Jack pointed out.

"If you are not with us, then you are against us" Lex declared.

"Come on Haley, we're leaving" Cid decided.

Walking back down towards their ship, Cid made sure to stay between these argumentative men and his daughter. His care was justified when Sage gave a signal and a rifle barrel appeared in a window to his left. Little did Sage know, but the crew of the One and All were ready for trouble as Jose Garcia took aim through his telescopic scope and fired a warning shot at the window frame above the shooter's head. A shower of splintered wood fell down on the person hiding inside, forcing them to take cover.

Jack soon joined Cid and Haley as they ran back to the ship while on the shore, several other hidden gunmen forced Jose to duck down low and shuffle towards the bowsprit. Sage pulled his own pistol from his belt and took aim at the back of Jack's head but before he could line up and squeeze the trigger, the weapon was hit mid barrel.

He hurriedly looked around, trying to find where the shot had come from while avoiding the shrapnel from the other weapons around him as they too were destroyed by the hidden offender.

"Dammit, they've got a sniper" he hissed and took cover.

Back on the ship, Jack and Cid heaved the gangway aboard as two of the crew cut the lines holding them to the dock.

"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Jack cried out superfluously as the ship was already turning about.

Sage made several attempts to make the raiders to fire on the One and All, but each time they tried to aim their weapons, something nearby was hit, forcing them to take cover once more.

"Have you contacted your ships?" Sage checked.

"Yes sir; they know what to do" Lex replied.

"Just make sure they remember to attack from the front."

"Don't worry sir" Lex smiled "they also know about the gun under the rear deck."

Sage held out his hands and was given a pair of binoculars so he could observe the fleeing ship.

"It's already travelling at full speed" Sage noted "How are they doing that?"

The auxiliary motor on a brigantine like the One and All, was only meant to help the ship manoeuvre when docking. To achieve its maximum velocity, it would normally have to be under full sail. But thanks to the modifications made before the ship left Sumatra, the powerful electric motors in its rebuilt keel gave the ship a sudden and uncommon acceleration.

"Well that was an unmitigated disaster" Cid declared "Who was that guy?"

"Neville Sage; he was a Commander in the navy when I last saw him" Jack revealed "He use to do a lot of secret black ops stuff for the Mars Project officials, but I didn't know he'd actually gone to Mars in the end."

"So would he really come back to help resume the evacuation?" Cid wondered.

"Not a chance; he could have contacted Doctor Spencer from orbit and co-ordinated a resumption of Earth evacuation from there. My guess is either he was sent to stop Sarah from going ahead with her plan, or more likely he did not want to return to Earth and is desperate to get off it again. Either way I think the raiders are in for a nasty surprise if they throw in their lot with him" Jack noted.

"Dad..." Haley tried to get her father's attention.

"We'll never be able to raid the bunker now" Cid sighed.

"No; by the time we get back, Sage would be expecting us and have fortified the place" Jack agreed. "I'm afraid all our friends are trapped in there."

"Dad..."

"So what do we do now?" Cid asked in desperation.

"I have to head back to Sumatra and warn Doctor Spencer; I suggest you all come with us and we'll try to raise a force of our own. If we can stop Sage from taking the Railgun, then hopefully we'll be able to mount a proper rescue back at the bunker in the future."

"I don't like the thought of leaving anyone behind but..."

"Dad..."

"Sorry Haley, what is it Honey?" Cid turned around at last.

"Can you get me a bandage please?" she asked.

Cid and Jack were stunned to see Haley sitting on the deck holding her right leg below the knee while far too much blood flowed onto the deck."

"Oh this is bad" Jack pulled out his pocket knife and started to cut off the lower leg of her jeans.

Cid called down below for a medic but things soon went from bad to worse when the lookout brought a new problem to their attention.

"ENEMY SHIP TWENTY DEGREES OFF STARBOARD POINT!" he shouted.

Up ahead, the cruiser they had seen earlier had now left its dock and was now turning across the One and All's bow. As soon as the medic arrived, Jack took off towards the bow. The helmsman had anticipated what they needed to protect themselves and the forward Gatling gun was already rising up from below deck.

"What the hell... I thought you said that gun was on the stern" Sage barked as he watched through his binoculars.

"It... it was sir" Lex answered "They must have two of them."

"Well what else have they got?" Sage fumed "Torpedos perhaps? Surface to air missiles? Maybe a tactical thermo nuclear device on the side?"

"We err... we don't know sir" Lex replied nervously.

"Well if that ship starts to fly, I'm gonna kick your butt all the way from here to Sumatra!" Sage growled.

This ship did not fare any better than the last raider vessel to come up against the One and All. Jack knew if he left it in a repairable condition, it would surely one day turn up at the Railgun as part of an invasion fleet, so it had to be permanently disabled. The steel hull was strong, but was still no match for the concentrated fire of six rotating barrels capable of firing twenty millimetre armour piercing slugs at a rate of fifty rounds per second. With the assistance of the laser sighting system, Jack quickly opened up a half meter hole on the waterline before disabling the vessels fore and aft deck guns.

With the enemy ship disarmed and listing to port, Jack left it to its inevitable fate as he scanned the area for more unexpected attacks. Back at Rio Vista, Sage realised it was time to give up for now and regroup for later.

"Call off the ambush ships in the Carquinez Strait and tell them to hide themselves well" he ordered "The last thing we need now is to lose two more ships to those guns while we're still in preparation for phase two."

"I'll get on to it now sir" Lex nodded.

Downstream on the One and All, the entire crew was very nervous, but there was still work to be done.

"We've got a favourable breeze from the west" Jack noted "so raise sail and recharge the batteries. How much power did we use?"

"Twenty three percent sir" the Helmsman replied.

"Not bad; I'm glad we didn't have to drain them" Jack nodded and returned midship to check on their only injury.

Haley looked both brave and uncomfortable as the ship's doctor finished up wrapping her leg, but her father looked as white as a sheet.

"How are you feeling?" Jack asked with concern

"It's just starting to hurt" she admitted.

"You didn't feel much at first because of the shock" the doctor informed her "I've given you a local anaesthetic so your leg should start to feel numb soon."

"Thank you" Haley smiled "But where did our cover fire come from? I couldn't see who was protecting us."

"Can you see that pile of coiled ropes on the foredeck hatch?" Jack pointed.

"Yes" Haley answered, wondering if someone may have popped up and fired from below deck.

"Okay Marion; you can stand down now" Jack called out.

To Haley's complete surprise, the pile of ropes got down from the hatch and came over to see her.

"Sorry I wasn't quick enough" Marion told the injured girl.

"Are you kidding?" Cid gasped "If you hadn't taken care of those shooters, I think we'd all be dead or captured by now."

"Agreed; take a medal out of petty cash" Jack smiled

"Where did you get that thing?" Haley asked about the suit.

"I've got a few of these for different situations" Marion admitted "It's a camouflage outfit called a Ghillie Suit; this one was originally for desert use but with a few coiled ropes and some old pieces of fishing net sewn on, I can lounge around on the ship's deck or on an adjoining dock, waiting for trouble while staying well out of sight of the enemy."

"Brilliant" Haley smiled "One question; what kind of wood is that hatch made of?"

"Hickory wood" Jack noted.

"So..." Haley gave an evil grin "you can hide on a hickory deck or a dock."

"Hickory deck or... oh... that's the worst joke I've ever heard" Jack rubbed his eyes.

"So shoot me... no wait... somebody already did" Haley smirked.

"I think I may have to give you a general anaesthetic if this keeps up" the ship's doctor warned.

The doctor wanted to take the young girl below but she insisted on staying on deck.

"Tell Haley all about your other weird suits while I talk to her father about some things" the doctor said to Marion.

Leading Jack and Cid up towards the bow, the doctor suddenly became very serious.

"I think she realises already" he told them "When we get back to San Diego, I'm going to have to amputate her leg below the knee."

"What? You can't; it's only a bullet wound" Cid said in desperation

"The bone was shattered" the doctor explained "It would take an experienced surgeon and a fully equipped operating theatre to rebuild it and we don't have either of those things. If I don't amputate, she'll almost certainly die of a gangrenous infection."

"She's only sixteen" Cid tried not to cry at the news.

"I'm sorry; there's nothing else I can do" the doctor put his hand on Cid's shoulder "Do you want me to tell her."

"No... I'll do it" Cid took a deep breath and composed himself before going to talk to his beloved daughter.

Jack had often regretted never becoming a father, but as he watched Cid and Haley talk and then hug, he knew this was one side to parenting no one should ever have to endure; so he vowed then and there, one day he would make Sage pay for what he had done.

Explanation of world's worst pun; "I love crepe" Sue said, sounds like "I love Crepe Suzette."

I don't care what you think, I say IT'S FUNNY!

Well... funnyish.

Mildly amusing perhaps?