Thank you to the persons who commented on the previous chapters and to those who discussed this chapter with me on-line as I was writing it.

Very long chapter for you today. This chapter is extremely important to me, because it reveals some of the Laura's darkness and some of her past. It also sets up for much of the psychological distress she will experience in Season 4, since she has so many hidden insecurities, guilt and shame over past events.

I wrote it and rewrote it several times. First of all to make sure the timeline was correct and also to take into account many details of the show. I also used some (but not all) of the themes that were in an early draft of Epiphanies that circulated on line back in 2010, and was very much modified for the actual episode. While the chapter takes place at the conclusion of Baltar's trial, it has flashbacks from Epiphanies and Colonial Day mostly.

I certainly know that some of you may object to some of the events I describe happening before the attacks. I do believe that Laura is very complicated and had some very deep insecurities. I wanted to reflect that.

I would love to have your comments.

Chapter 40

By 15:00 hours, the team had reconvened at the base camp, with Elosha and Sharon in tow. Helena, Takashi and John could not wait to find out what Evelyne and Liang had found. John was still working on data on his laptop. Surely Evelyne would not have any genetic results ready in the hour, and her PCR analysis, performed in a makeshift lab in a tent, would take another couple of days. Still her observations were interesting.

"There is an incredible amount of genetic diversity in this population, much more that would be expected for an isolated population, which means that they must have started with quite a diverse population. Also there seem to be a very high rate of genetic recombination in the population, which would explain why you often find blue eyes with darker hair and skin, for instance, since hair color and eye color are linked. I started to do some calculations on some alleles and the population is in Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium for the alleles I looked at, which means that it is not evolving. It has probably the same genetic make up as the original population. But of course, I looked only at some very visible recessive allele, such as blonde hair. It is a very, very, crude estimation. This needs confirmation with several more alleles. Also, there is very high percentage of individuals with the blood type O, Rhesus negative. That is very striking, because O and Rhesus negative are recessive, and, well, homozygous recessive individuals O negative in the Kenyan population is about 1.5%, which is the closest frequency I have geographically. Here after testing everyone for their blood types, we are nearing 43%, which is incredibly high. So we have to wonder if the original settlers were all O negative or if there just was a very high proportion in the original population."

Takashi was pensive and everyone was thinking about what they had read in Laura's diaries, about the 'odd' properties of Hera's blood. They did not need to speak to realize that it very well could be that most of this population was descended from cylons.

Liang took over.

"The habitations inside the caves are made of carved stones and blocks of stones arranged together. Same rock as the surrounding caves! They look very old; they must have been carved centuries ago. Now I have no reference points to compare those structures with. They are very unique. Interestingly I found a number of artifacts, which are astonishing, in this location. I found Greek and Roman carvings in some of the habitations, and in a different locations, some Celts artifacts. I also found some artifacts, which I would place from North Africa. They did not get here on their own. They are ancient and originals. So it looks like someone brought them back here quite some time ago. These people travelled from here and back." He turned and looked at Elosha, "Do you have any indication that your ancestors explored regions outside of Africa?"

Elosha nodded.

"There are many stories about this. Our original ancestors, yes, traveled and explored the world around them. I had no idea how far they went."

Takashi added:

"The timeline does not work. Maybe the original settlers did expand on the planet. That was around 150,000 years ago. But the artifacts you found are a lot more recent than this. So they did explore, settled, and came back generations later? Provided they even remembered where they were coming from at the first place and that knowledge did not disappear many generations later. It seems very unlikely. There must be another explanation."

"At each generation, they shall return…" Sharon whispered.

"What did you say?" Helena replied to her in wonderment.

"At each generation, they shall return… that's in the book of Hera."

"The book of Hera?" Helena asked

"Yes, Hera wrote it. It is part of our scriptures. It tells the history of colonists. It is not very long, but the writings are on that cave you visited, Helena."

Helena moved to get her laptop and showed the photographs to Sharon.

"Where is it?"

Sharon pointed at some pictures.

"Barely readable!" Helena whispered.

"But that's alright, because we have copies."

"You do?"

Sharon nodded. "It is part of our scriptures, so we have handwritten copies."

"Can I read it?" Helena asked. Sharon turned to Elosha who agreed.

Elosha talked to her daughter as well. "We now have a new addition to our scriptures, the book of Laura. And from what I already read, it is incredibly interesting."

Helena and Takashi looked at each other surprised she would even mention it. Elosha addressed them.

"I have a responsibility towards my people. They ought to know the truth. Such decision is hard to take, knowing the content of Laura's writings, as you know. But, I do not want any more lies. I will call a Quorum meeting of the twelve villages. You will get to meet them."

Helena leaned forward and asked softly:

"Elosha, what happened to the thirteenth village?"

"It is Terra, Earth… and it's located at the edge of this mountain. The most isolated village and the most visible… It was inhabited for a while and then it got destroyed." She lowered her head.

Takashi and Helena exchanged a worried look.

"When did it get destroyed? And by whom?" Takashi asked.

"It was a long time ago…before modern civilization. The cylons destroyed it."

A heavy silence settled on the group.

"I spent another difficult night, haunted by the same repeating nightmare, my anxiety spiking. When my alarm clock rang early in the morning, I had no desire to get up. I knew I had to go to sickbay and later attend the trial. I wanted to hide, disappear for the day under my covers and sleep. I picked up the phone.

'Yell at me…' I said to Bill, 'I don't want to get out of bed'

'You called the wrong number. I was just thinking about going back to bed.'

I immediately worried.

'You're feeling okay?'

'Says the cancer patient… I'm fine, I just cut myself. How are you doing?'

'I don't want to face them. I don't want to face any of them; I just want to stay in bed all day and sleep.'

'I guess I stopped the bleeding. If you still need to be yelled at, I can give you some volume?'

'Good. Alright, give it your best shot.'

'Get out of that bed!'

Not too convincing.

'That's not your best shot.'

'Get your fat lazy ass out of that rack, Roslin!' There was some tenderness in his voice.

I laughed a little.

'Yes, sir. Okay, sir. Anything you say, sir.' And then softly, 'thank you'. Thank you for so much. Thank you for being there on such hard days.

'Don't let them see you sweat, Laura.' I nodded as he hung up. With a deep sigh, I pushed my covers back and got up."

"An hour later, I was in sickbay getting stuck by a needle, as Dr. Cottle was putting my IV on. I wish I could say it went well, but it didn't. I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes, letting the poison flow into my veins. A treatment worse than the cancer itself! Within minutes a nasty metallic taste had invaded my mouth and my skin was flushed. Cottle gave me damp clothes to refresh myself, and something to drink. Time was passing excruciatingly slow. Second after second, I watched the drops falling down. Nausea hit me in waves, but I did not throw up. I just was very uncomfortable, wishing the nausea away and trying my best to rest. I started meditating on the meaning of time, as it appeared so slow to me. Cottle offered me some crackers, but the very idea of food made my stomach heave. After a couple of very slow hours, it was over and Dr. Cottle went to bring me more water. He told me to bring something to read next time to take my mind away from the infusion. He said it would keep my blood pressure lower. The IV was now just for hydration and I closed my eyes, trying to relax. I must have fallen asleep, because I immediately went back into my Opera house dream, looking desperately for Hera, running on the side, anxious and worried, together with Athena, her mother. I finally saw Hera in Caprica Six's arms as she took them inside the theatre. Baltar was with her. I screamed and woke up. Then I realized that a couple of beds away from me in sickbay, Athena with Hera in her arms had screamed too. Cottle, alarmed, arrived yelling at us and I immediately knew that Athena had experienced the same thing I just did. This was not a coincidence. I urged Dr. Cottle to remove my IV so that I could talk to Athena about what just happened. She explained to me the concept of projection, that cylons could project some surroundings in their consciousness and navigate them freely as they please. The thing is, I'm not a cylon and I should not be able to do the same and certainly not to join her projection. Besides, I do not select to hallucinate; I have no conscious control over it. It happens despite myself, mostly when I am asleep. Once we both realized that we were in the same vision, together, we also knew that Caprica Six must have been there as well. We rushed to the brig where Caprica Six was kept. She was surprised to see us and most certainly could not hide her astonishment that we also had shared our vision. I believe she was truthful when she said that the only thing she knew was to keep Hera safe. But just like us, she was puzzled and could not offer any explanation why we would share the same vision and what it meant. I returned to sickbay with Sharon and Hera, in deep thoughts. What was happening to us? And what did it all mean? Did it have anything to do with the fact we were maybe couple jumps away from the Ionian nebula, where we would find the next clue to Earth? I had no time to dwell on this. I changed clothes and walked to the courtroom, still shaken by what we experienced."

"At the time I got there, Lieutenant Gaeta was starting to give his testimony and he confirmed that Baltar had indeed signed the death list for the execution of two hundred important people. Then Lampkin called for a mistrial, claiming that Adama had stated that Baltar did not even deserve a trial. I could see the final blow from Lee to his father, who was publicly accused by Lampkin's statement. Without a doubt, this information was coming from Lee. And to prove this and further humiliate Bill, Lampkin put Lee on the stand. There was a brief exchange where the validity of having one of the defense lawyers testify was called and rebutted. Lee protested loudly refusing to testify; now that he had to face his responsibilities, he couldn't. He refused to answer Lampkin's direct questions incriminating Bill. He was looking for a way out. I would never have thought he was so full of cowardice. I would like to say that I was shocked, but after the past three days, nothing was able to surprise me anymore. Lee uncovered his true colors. I knew then that unable to discredit me, they were going directly for the mistrial, implicating Bill's integrity. This could completely destroy the power structure of this fleet and also that would completely destroy him as a father. This infuriated me. As Lee avoided direct questions and refused to testify against his father, Lampkin changed his strategy, trying to get to Lee by using different tactics. When Lee started to talk, frustrated by the questions, I shuddered. He was sure of himself. He was brilliant. He made good points. I could not feel my legs; I felt I was going to pass out. He said Baltar made mistakes, but he also said there was nothing to be done. We were invaded on New Caprica, he said, Baltar could not do anything.

'What could anyone have done? Ask yourself, what would you have done? What would you have done? If he had refused to surrender, the Cylons would have probably nuked the planet right then and there. So did he appear to cooperate with the Cylons? Sure. So did hundreds of others. What's the difference between him and them?' Lee claimed. No Lee, he did not appear to collaborate, he collaborated. He let the cylons in. And then Lee looked at me.

'The President issued a blanket pardon. They were all forgiven, no questions asked.'

I did, didn't I? I did when I thought Baltar was dead. Would I have issued this pardon, if I knew Baltar was still alive? I thought the pardon was the only way to reconcile the fleet and move it forward. I still do and I stand behind this decision. Baltar however is in a complete different category. He betrayed us. He was the president, not a simple citizen overwhelmed by circumstance. He never made an effort to help the resistance. He could have. He could have joined the effort, gotten the launch key for instance. But he didn't. He continued his self-preservation by not standing against the cylons, even in a concealed way.

'Colonel Tigh used suicide bombers, killed dozens of people. Forgiven. Lieutenant Agathon and Chief Tyrol. They murdered an officer on the Pegasus. Forgiven.' Lee continued.

Tigh, who was the only one daring to organizing the resistance, was blamed for the suicide bombing. Yes, I disagreed about these as well. It was war. The cylons were guiltier of acts of wars than Tigh. I saw these mangled bodies, tortured, raped, killed and injured in the most terrible conditions. At least Tigh was trying to fight, Tigh who killed his wife. Tears came to my eyes. I swallowed them, my hands in front of my mouth, trying to control my emotions. And now, Lee was not even talking about New Caprica anymore. He was talking about all what happened before. He was talking about everything we did wrong, about everything I did wrong in these early days of my presidency. Going for what his father did wrong too, he added:

'The Admiral. The Admiral instigated a military coup d'état against the President. Forgiven.'

Yes, Lee. He did. He was different then, and you know it, Lee.

'And me? Well, where do I begin? I shot down a civilian passenger ship, the Olympic Carrier. Over a thousand people on board. Forgiven. I raised my weapon to a superior officer, committed an act of mutiny. Forgiven. And then on the very day when Baltar surrendered to those Cylons, I as commander of Pegasus jumped away. I left everybody on that planet, alone, undefended, for months. I even tried to persuade the Admiral never to return, to abandon you all there for good. If I'd had my way nobody would have made it off that planet. I'm the coward. I'm the traitor. I'm forgiven.'

Gods, Lee, no! My Gods. The Olympic Carrier! I placed the order. I killed those people; he did not. We actually did not know what was happening on board. It was tracked by the cylons. The ship was armed, with nukes; it was aiming at us, on target for a suicide bombing. We had to take it down. We could not afford not too. I looked back at the person I was then, inexperienced, doing my best and making tough decisions. I let the ships without FTL get destroyed by the cylons, so that we could escape on time. Cami! I still think of her. So many were killed because of decisions that I made. So many. I put my hand in my pocket and touched the little piece of paper I always carried in my suits, it was all wrinkled and my handwriting was barely visible now. It said 'Olympic Carrier'. Richard Adar did this when he made a particularly hard decision, which killed many. He kept a small piece of paper with the names of the Aerilon colonists that were killed in an unfortunate decision he made. Oh Richard, we parted on a fight. We never had the time to mend our differences. He is dead. I'm alive. By which right am I alive? Why? He was not a horrible man. He became consumed by power; lost his ideals and he lost me. But he was the mayor of Caprica City for a long time; he made very good decisions as a mayor and then as a president. We had known each other for a very long time, since high school really. There always had been a very strong attraction between the two of us, right from the beginning. But I went to university and became a teacher. He went into politics. By then, I got my doctorate and became the superintendent of Caprica city schools, when he was mayor. At the end of the presidential campaign, we started seeing each other. I loved him once, or I think I did. Gods know what would have happened if the attacks did not occur? Would he have moved forward asking for my resignation or was he just talking out of anger, when we fought? Could I have made a case for him to listen to the teachers and end the strike? Maybe I could have won this fight. It doesn't matter anymore. They are all dead. And now Lee confessed he would not have come to rescue us on New Caprica, if it was not for his father. But this is not quite true. He left his father behind, yes, but then he came back later having changed his decision. Lee was carrying so much guilt. I understood now that this guilt and his anger was responsible for he way he was acting now. He was seeking some kind of forgiveness for his sins. It doesn't work that way, Lee. I hate to say it, but we have to carry our sins until the day we die. We may seek some kind of redemption, but it is just an illusion. I would know this better than anyone.

'We make our own laws now; our own justice. And we've been pretty creative in finding ways to let people off the hook for everything from theft to murder. And we've had to be, because...because we're not a civilization anymore. We are a gang, and we are on the run, and we have to fight to survive. We have to break rules. We have to bend laws. We have to improvise.'

We had rules. Yes, they were imperfect but I had spent each day after the attacks making sure that we still had rules and that we were not falling into anarchy. Soon after the attacks, we reestablished a government, reinstated a currency, put in place a constitution and worked very hard to offer health care, some kind of educational program for the little ones, work a system and allow each one of us with a place to live and resources. As soon as it was physically possible to, we created a Quorum, representing each of the colonies. We knew it was not perfect and it clearly deteriorated, especially after New Caprica with so many lost and so much of our reserves abandoned on the surface, with resentment creeping everywhere and people executing other presumed collaborators. We had to work very hard to recreate these institutions for the survivors. On many occasions, yes, we did break rules, but we still kept a framework of law and institutions. But…we still are a civilization, Lee, to claim otherwise would just be a lie. Wallace Gray, Wally, was the one who worked with me to set the early institutions that kept us alive right after the attacks. He was gifted; he recreated a financial system, a currency, provided some healthcare and distributed resources. He was considered my right arm then and truly he was. He was. Wally, the only man left that I knew from before the attacks, was more than my friend. He was a good man. He was loyal, trustworthy, full of integrity, honest and… well, he loved me. I was not listening anymore to Lee's rambling about justice and how we hated Baltar and how we wanted to throw him out of an airlock, because of his cowardice and arrogance. I was thinking about Adar and then Wally…the two men who had once held me in their arms. I was still directing the Caprica City schools, when I met Wally. He was an economist, working for directly for Adar in City Hall. He used to bring me flowers every Mondays to decorate my desk, when I started working for Adar's campaign. 'Because I want to see your smile through the week radiant with happiness' he would say. I'm so ashamed of myself. Wally, who I used and abused, never stopped loving me. He took me out for dinner several times in the early days of the campaign. We dated. But, then I got bored. He wanted to marry me. He wanted a family. I did not want commitment. It is not that I did not like Wally, but I was scared to be bored. Wally never pushed me. He respected me and waited. I did not know really what love meant. I thought I knew love, but I didn't. I confused it with the attachment of the bodies. I could find an excuse by claiming I was still traumatized by the loss of my sisters, my unborn niece and my father, but it would be a lie. I could say I was scared of commitment, because I was scared of loss. I don't know if that would be the truth. I don't know. Those were my choices and my responsibility, however flawed. I broke up with Wally. I was seeking thrill like an addiction, short torrid relationships, no strings attached with smart discreet men who could carry a conversation on politics and policy, who did not agree with everything I said, who were challenging both intellectually and sexually. I asked myself what love was, and I doubted each time I started to feel something that resembled it. I soon fell for Adar, who was married, and I enjoyed that. We knew each other very well and our mutual attraction had been genuine and building up for years. I thought I loved Adar, and maybe I did. I loved the secrecy of our relationship, nights in hotel rooms or his office; they brought the thrill I sought. I loved his dedication, his passion. He was a brilliant orator; he had an incredible charisma. But our relationship degraded a few years into his presidency towards the end of his term, when power destroyed his ethics. I could have stopped it then, but I continued having sex with him, out of pure lust or maybe cowardice. Ironic, I would be bothered by the ethics on a man, who was cheating on his wife with me for years. I was as guilty as he was. I am convinced his wife knew and let it go. I did not represent a threat to his marriage. I was not trying to have him break up or marry me. I was just there. Maybe Barbara, his wife, tolerated it because she loved him. Maybe I was responsible for some great suffering she experienced. She had the grace and dignity to always consider me with kindness, to welcome me in their home with a smile when the cabinet would have holiday parties there, to treat me like her best friend, when I happened to meet her for formal occasions. Barbara was a much better person than I was. Richard used to say that she gave him hell at home; I had difficulty believing this. I found it more of an excuse to rationalize his cheating. I was the 'other woman', the mistress. There is no excuse for what I did. I think that Wally, who knew of my relationship with Adar, never really stopped loving me, despite the fact he must have been hurting so much. He ended up taking a high level position in the Colonial Reserve Bank, leaving the campaign, after we broke up. We didn't work together again. Eventually, Wally got engaged and married. His wife was lovely and caring. I was happy that he found someone he truly deserved and he built the family he dreamed of. They had a son. When the attacks happened and we regrouped thereafter, I soon realized that Wally, who was on a passenger flight, had survived. His wife and son, planet bound, had been killed. I was genuinely happy to see him again. Wally and Billy were the last two links to my past. I was happy Wally survived, because he was a good man. I knew him very well, personally and professionally with his incredible organizational skills, and I hired him to help me reorganize the government. He was the best person for the job. He complied generously, knowing that I needed him and happy to be part of our survival efforts. For this early government, he was a grounding presence, especially while I was struggling with the frustrating Adama and his preconceptions. Wally worked in the shadows, never seeking credit for what he accomplished. He worked with me until the Colonial Day celebrations. Somewhere in my heart, I knew he still loved me, even after all of this time, after the way I treated him, after Adar and after his marriage. In the early days after the attacks, when I needed someone he was there. We talked a lot. We talked about Adar and our past relationship. He talked about his wife and his son. We grieved together for those we lost. These were very difficult times for all of us, with barely any time to live, jumping away from the cylons chasing us. He was there through the trauma of losing our world. He was there to listen to me talk about my fears of dying, about my Chamalla induced visions, about my frustrations with Adama and the military he represented. I could tell him everything, because I trusted him. He was the oldest friend I had. They called him the prince of darkness because of his relationship with me, as an advisor, right hand and dear friend. He was there often to hold me through the night, when I was shivering from the Chamalla's side effects. If Billy noticed anything, he never mentioned it, probably too innocent to even imagine the ramifications of our past and to view me other than an ideal representation of ethics and integrity. Wally was always there, when I needed him. He lived on Cloud Nine, the wonderful luxury ship with pools, parks, simulated days and starry nights, and nice apartments. Each day he came to Colonial one. He was loyal to me. I was way too involved into my presidential role to even wonder about his feelings. We had no time and I was sick. And now I am dying of cancer again. With the loss of our world, our old relationship surfaced back. He still loved me, I knew. But I told him I did not have time for a personal relationship. And then Colonial Day happened. He had worked hard to set the first Quorum of the colonies, a parliament with representatives of each Colonies, the first attempt to re-establish a real solid government. When Zarek introduced, as a newly elected representative of Sagittaron, a motion to vote for a vice-president, I knew he was trying to get the job. Baltar seconded the motion. Zarek wanted the power; that much was clear since the mutiny on the Astral Queen. I needed my own candidate to block Zarek. I spent the evening with Wally on Colonial One working on the details of the busy next few days. I had asked him to be a candidate to become vice-president. It took some convincing, he was never a politician, rather a successful and gifted administrator. At first, he refused. I asked him to do it for me. It became personal. He reluctantly agreed to do it to avoid handing the vice-presidency to Zarek. Then Lee uncovered a plan to assassinate me, which would have handed the power to Zarek, if he were elected as vice-president. I was not going to let that happen. Lee and Kara Thrace arrested Valance, which we suspected worked for Zarek. We had no proof. Of course it all was a plot to get control of the government. The night before the second Quorum session, Wally and I flew together back to Cloud Nine. I was glad we had arrested the gunman and relieved our security had been effective. Security had been tightened and once we passed it, we were able to walk freely on the beautiful Cloud Nine ship. After a quiet dinner and a nice walk in the gardens in the simulated evening, I spent the night with him at his apartment. It was nice to be in a place with a park, grass and trees, even if this was in an artificial environment. The grass and trees were real and growing. He asked me what I missed most; I looked around and told him 'the color green'. We walked together barefoot in the grass, the pain of the past weeks receding for a few hours. It was lovely, like a little vacation. I let myself get caught in it. We ate and went back to his place. It was comfortable and looked like a real cozy apartment, with a real bed and not the cramped Colonial One quarters with a tiny cot. I do not have any interest in lying in these pages. We made love. I slept in his arms. It was deeply wrong of me. I never shared this to anyone. The next day during the Quorum sessions, I listened to Wally talk about his program for the vice-presidency. It was all well planned and logical. It was essentially boring. Wally had no charisma. He was right to say that he was really not a politician, but an economist. He was a terrible orator. I knew immediately he would not win, because he could not ignite passion in our constituents. In the mean time, Valance got murdered in his cell. He would never talk to implicate Zarek. I felt trapped. Zarek had a lot of following and power. He was using criminals to try to assassinate me. With no more obstructions, Zarek could win.

I focused again on what Lee was saying.

'This case is built on emotion, on anger, bitterness, vengeance. But most of all, it is built on shame. It's about the shame of what we did to ourselves back on that planet. It's about the guilt of those of us who ran away. Who ran away… And we're trying to dump all that guilt and all that shame on one man and then flush him out the airlock, and hope that just gets rid of it all. So that we could live with ourselves. But that won't work. That won't work. That's not justice; not to me. Not to me.'

Lee acknowledged his feelings, guilt, anger, bitterness, vengeance, and mostly shame. Shame has been my companion since the beginning of my presidency. We all were ashamed of what we had become under the pressure of war, with those hard decisions impossible to reconcile with ethics. The shame of those who were on New Caprica, the shame of those who ran, the shame of those who stayed, collaborated or participated to suicide bombing of the resistance. Nobody was untouched. I certainly had lost my innocence way before New Caprica. I lost my innocence right away. Power corrupts. It corrupted me. Making decisions that kill people do smear a soul.

When I heard Wally's speech back then, I knew he would not win, but then I heard Baltar on the wireless. He was charismatic, debating with all the right arguments on how Zarek should not be vice-president. Baltar was right. So I made my first real true mistake of my presidency. This mistake started everything. It essentially created a monster and eventually New Caprica. I asked Wally to withdraw his candidacy and asked Baltar to take his place and become my candidate against Zarek for vice-president. This decision was very a bad one: It may have saved me from Zarek and his plans to kill me, but it put Baltar in a position of power, and it placed him as the future candidate for the presidency. It was a real turning moment in my presidency. I thought I could manipulate Baltar and it is not until much later, when I was dying with the first bout with cancer that I had a vision of Baltar with the number Six cylon, a memory of seeing them on Caprica before the attacks and I knew he was involved in the genocide of humanity. I put Baltar there, because I feared Zarek. I feared that he would have me killed to get into power and the assassination plot we discovered validated it. Wally would certainly never have been elected. I had to break the news to him and ask him to withdraw his candidacy in favor of Baltar. I walked barefoot in the grass talking to Wally and he called me a 'back-stabbing politician'. As it was, Baltar ended up getting elected by a very small margin of the votes. Wally had been right to be angry. I had betrayed him on so many levels, both professional and personal. He talked to me honestly not hiding his pain, telling me his disappointment, saying that I changed. Yes, I had changed. I was not innocent anymore. At the time, I thought I was doing the best for the presidency by picking Baltar. I was frustrated that Wally could not see it. I hurt his pride, betrayed him and took advantage of him. He left. His words hurt me deeply, because I knew he was right, because I had hurt the only person who had truly and generously loved me, ever. I was not worthy of him. I am not sure I am worthy of anyone's love. My personal history is not very pretty. I was ashamed and I still am. No, Lee does not have exclusivity on shame.

Wally retired from my government. I heard he stayed on Cloud Nine and started an independent consultant business, sharing his incredible expertise with those seeking to start businesses on the fleet. I never saw Wally again. My cancer progressed. When I was on my deathbed, Wally was the only person from my government, who did not come to visit me to say goodbye. I had so many regrets. I would have liked to properly apologize to him. But Wally did not come. My feelings for Adama had grown into a close friendship and maybe something more, after all the events that brought us together. It really did not matter anymore, because I knew I was going to die. Just, I was saved by a transfusion from the cylon blood, containing stem cells. Weeks later and many crisis later, the presidential election was scheduled and eventually Baltar won, when I decided with Bill not to fix the elections, as I had planned. I had put Baltar in the position of president to start with, really, well… since Colonial Day. We found New Caprica at the same time. And a terrorist attack destroyed Cloud Nine with a nuclear blast. Wally died in the explosion. Upset with having lost the election and overwhelmed by departing Colonial One to move down on New Caprica, I barely grieved those we lost of Cloud Nine. Only now, I realize I am guilty of what happened under Baltar's presidency. My actions have led us to this point. But unlike Baltar, it all sprung from the true desire to lead and save my people. I lost Wally, the only true friend I had for years. I buried his memory until today. Don't talk to me about shame, Lee."

"As the trial ended and the jury retired to deliberate, I refused to talk with anyone. I left swiftly with one bodyguard and went to the observation deck. He stood guard outside. The room was empty, as everyone was more interested in the riveting trial. I sat in front of the large window and stared out into space. I could see some of the fleet vessels nearby. Could Nine was destroyed. Months, years, later my sins stayed with me. I sat down. I hoped that the jury would have enough good sense to convict Baltar. I trusted Bill to convince the other members of the jury to convict him. We all knew what he had done. Baltar! He had conspired to destruct the colonies; I knew it. He had collaborated with the cylons on New Caprica with so many tortured and killed. I needed closure from the horrors that happened to us. I thought back of Wally. My situation had changed again. I had a relationship that I did not dare to define with Bill. It was easier on New Caprica, when I was not president anymore: dreams of cabin by a lake and retirement with a loved one. Just a dream! Now we were both tied again by our respective duties. A real relationship would not be possible. It was bad enough that he made it publicly clear yesterday how much he cared about me, when he tried to defend me from Lee's attacks. Looking out at the starry space sky, I allowed myself to ask this question, which had been lurking in the back of my mind: Did I love him? Was I even capable of love? I did not even know. Laura Roslin had dated several men, and had never said those three words. I am not even sure I was capable of love. I felt a strong attachment to Bill, tenderness yes, I grieved his absence under the cylon occupation on New Caprica, and I had missed him so strongly it was painful in more ways, than I can even explain. I enjoyed the three times we made love and they were not just about sex, but we connected emotionally very deeply. The word that came to my mind when I was thinking of him was love. I was just scared of saying it, of admitting it. I was scared of hurting him, like I hurt others.

'Wally…' I whispered, 'I'm not worthy… I'm not worthy of anyone's love, not yours, not Bill's.' I lowered my head and allowed myself to cry unabashedly facing the universe. 'I'm so sorry, Wally.' I whispered between sobs, 'if you can hear me, please forgive me.' And I waited for what seemed to be hours until I was called back by my guard to return to the trial and listen to the sentence."

Thank you for reading. Please leave comments. They are motivating.

It will take probably two weeks for the next update (so that you know), since it is graduation week.

Until then, all the best...