More than Twice

YOU AREN'T GOING TO BELIEVE IT! We are almost done! Yep, that's right! We are coming down to the wire here, people! It only took ten thousand years! On with the fic!

And guys, I am sorry for being gone for so long! I really hate being gone, not even giving you guys an update. Just know that...I'm having a really bad time. Extremely bad...and I can't focus on anything except keeping my family afloat. And I'm on a Greys Anatomy binge. I apologize.

xxx

After all the craziness, all the drama, all the shooting - boy oh boy was there a lot of shooting - Kanan was left exhausted, and deflated on his favorite corner of the lounge couch. He propped a foot on the table, lazily slanted the floored one, draped an arm to the corner of the back, and left the other one stroking a soft tuft of brown hair that was on his lap. On his face was a look of deep thought. Not trouble or bothered, nothing dramatic. Just...thinking. On what? He hasn't quite settled on what. It's all just splashing down on him until one makes it down the drain to his mouth.

"Did I ever tell you that I almost lost you as a baby?" Ooh, there's one, and it came with a smiling glance down to a resting...Katerina. She was lying with her knees propped along ¾ of the couch, her head on his lap and her eyes closed as she lavished in his petting..

"You what?!" She snarled with her eyes closed, brow furrowed. Actually she poked an eye open to glare at him. "Caleb Dume, how many more times did hospital people poke at me before my fourth birthday?!"

"Hold on, hold on! I don't mean you almost died!" He fanned his raised hands, urging her to calm down. And he's a little insulted she insinuated that he almost got her killed. "I mean you were learning how to walk, you were talking, learning that those small hands of yours," He gently took one of those so called small hands in his and ran his thumb on the top of the palm. Katerina smiled dreamily, blushing at the strength she felt in that hand, "Can pick up just about anything." Hands that, even with the both of them, barely filled his palm. "I had training really early and left you alone. COMPLETELY," He swept a hand to fine line his mistake, "Forgot to call a sitter droid to watch you."

"No way!" She tilted her head back further, a pleased grin on her face.

"Way. Entirely-way!" He slapped a hand over his face, still cringing with shame.

"OH MY GOSH!" Katerina put her hands to her stomach, kicking her legs in a fit of laughter. Kanan was slapping the chair arm laughing, hooting heartily. He still can't believe it till this day. "Tell me more! What happened?! How old was I?! DId you get in trouble?!" She gushed on the last one.

Kanan shushed her repeatedly, clamping a hand over her mouth. All in good time for her. He needs this to be the best story. Needs this to put him in a positive light rather than...an irresponsible big brother. "You had to be two years old, maybe a year and a half." He doesn't do those month ages. Someone's a year, they are a year. That's it. "I had gotten to see your first steps, you're babbling your words, and I was watching you take things off tables and stuff. You were a klepto." He tapped on her forehead. He felt winded recalling all he's seen, watching her grow. He's just...sorry he missed most of it. "You had this knack for stealing. Like a packrat."

"Did I steal a wrench?" She asked with sparkling eyes.

"You stole a screwdriver." He shrugged. It's no wrench, but it should suffice.

"What the Hell would I do with a screwdriver?" Except stab someone with it.

"Remember that Astromech that kept running away from you?" He arched a brow. "The one that kept veering right due to a rear port issue?" He laid the groundwork for the memory.

"Stevie, right? Oh yeah." It's amazing she still remembers some of this stuff. It was so long ago. She...she's glad Kanan is there to remind her. "Oh...ohh...OHH!" STEVIE! THE SCREWDRIVER! OH GODS HIS HIND PORT! She re-OH GODS! "OH MAN! I shoved a-OH!" She smashed the balls of her palms into her eyes. "He never forgave me for that! I think he went offline hating me!" She kicked her feet animatedly.

"Oh yeah, he did! I was there when they took his batteries out!" Kanan slapped his hand on the arm, dying from laughing so hard. "Pretty sure his final beeps were along the lines of, may your tools always be rusty!" He doubled over, causing a hysterical Katerina to hold onto him before she fell to the floor.

"Oh, Stevie!" She wailed overdramatically, arm draped across her brow. If these two laugh any harder they just might burst. It took a great deal of breathing and hyperventilating to come down from the high. They really shouldn't have glanced at one another because their dumb faces made them laugh harder. Eventually they calmed down. Blue and red in the face, but at least they've calmed down. "Anyway, anyway," She fanned away the hysteria, flipping onto her stomach. She propped up on her elbows, chin to her partially curled hands with eyes batting with adorable mischief, "About how you proved what a neglectful big brother you are." She flutter kicked her feet adamantly.

"Oh yes!" He scratched the tip of his nose, trying to get back on track. This talk of wrenches brought on another story, but that can wait. "What ended up happening is that you wanted to test your legs and were walking around the temple...for who knows what reason." Toddlers are a mystery to him. What goes on in those heads of theirs...he shudders. "I came back to my room and my heart SANK because you were gone. And without your favorite blanket, by the way. You loved that nasty thing to death and would cry if it wasn't there."

Katerina touched a finger to her chin. She remembers that thing. It was stained to Hell, torn to where it was nothing more than a rag. "Whatever happened to that?"

"I threw it in a furnace. I couldn't stand that thing anymore."

Katerina smashed a pillow to his face. "YOU MONSTER!" Her weak attempt to smother him was easily thwarted.

"Back to the story!" He fended her off with a single hand. She sat to her knees, playfully pouting while keeping the pillow in place. "I searched the whole temple for hours for you. The council room, the briefing room, the bathroom, the pool-" She let the pillow drop to gush about the pool. Kanan put one hand over her mouth, and used a finger from the other to shush her. "It got taken out because us younglings were using our sabers to turn it into a giant hot tub." She deadpanned furious at him, slowly lowering his hand to see the not amused purse of her lips. "WHAT?! It was fun! Until Lexi nearly died from third degree burns."

"The Mon Calamari girl with the good smelling skin. Yeah...that was...uh...sad." Her stomach gurgled. She has an ahcig for fish right now. "I never liked her." She admitted unwaveringly.

"She didn't like you, either." Kanan bounced his shoulders.

"No loss there." She rolled her eyes.

"None." Kanan shook his head.

"Story time?"

"Story time…" Maybe they can keep on track now. Katerina sat legs folded, hands in the gap of her legs and listening with intrigue. "I was frantic, I cried a little-" Katerina opened her mouth, "One more word and I swear I will stop." She closed it again. "I cried and was scared that you had fallen into a pit, a droid abducted you, Master Yoda took you on a pilgrimage, something!" Katerina shuddered at that. Going on a field trip with Master Yoda isn't as glamorous as one thinks. "I screamed for you...nearly gave up…" He looked toward the ceiling with a warm smile, "And then Master Billaba showed up with you."

"Master...Billaba…?" She gleamed. She seems to be the constant figure in their lives. She's always there. Used to be, anyway.

"Yep." Kanan exhaled, his body sinking into the couch. "She had you in her arms, fast asleep and wrapped in a towel." Katerina tilted her head baffled. "You were found in the kitchen, covered in a bunch of food because I had forgotten to feed you." HE FORGOT?! She screamed mentally. How do you forget to feed a human being? "And the kitchen is where I usually hung out with you on my spare time. Close to training, and I always ate."

"You did put on weight for a time." She wagged an inquisitive finger.

"Like you weren't a bouy in the pool." He poked her stomach, making fun at the little baby fat that never went away.

"Hurtful." She moaned, slapping his hand.

"You deserved it." He flicked her forehead. "Master Billaba gave you a bath, fed you, and then found me." In other words, she prolonged his agony in order to teach him a lesson. Kanan lurched forward, hands on his head in humiliation. "She gave me the worst ass reeming. Said if I can't take better care of you, how can I be trusted to take care of the universe." Katerina gave him a sympathy pat on his back. Billaba made a valid point...but she won't say that out loud. She can't. Not with the rockstar that he is now. He propped his elbows to his knees, boring his determination into the floor. "From there I worked harder, and tried my damndest to be there for you, and be stronger for you." Her being gone didn't halt that.

That brought a warmth to her chest. Even after all this time, she can see clearly that he kept on being strong. Always striving to get better, becoming the man she always knew he'd be when he grew up. "Well…" She slipped in, snuggling to his chest with her head at his neck. "You succeeded." He brought a hand to her shoulder, hugging her in close. "Second to Zeb-"

"Oh this frickin' girl!" He tossed his hand in the air.

It was her turn to touch a finger to his lips and shut him up. "SE-COND-TO-ZEB…" She is laying that bare now, "You are the strongest man I've been privileged to have in my life." Kanan grumbled under his breath, unable to believe he's taking second place to her boyfriend. Then she shocked him by giving him a kiss on his cheek. "And while Zeb is my special someone, you're my number one man in my life." She poked at his nose, winning that smile of his so easily. "By the end of the day, you're the one I can come to in order to put things back together when they break." She was broken for a long time before meeting him again. Bit by bit he was putting her back together. "I hope you know you can do the same with me."

"I do." He kissed her forehead, resting his head on hers. "I do know it, and I thank my stars for the privilege. I won't ever lose it again." They wrapped their arms to one another in a warm embrace. "Unless you walk out of your room without my knowledge and shoot yourself out of the airlock-"

"UGH! LET IT GO!" She shoved away from him, smacking him with the pillow again.

"I can't! I mean…!" He grabbed his own pillow and smacked her off. She used hers t oblock when he went in from the pin. He had her halfway back, but she was holding out. "I turned my back you got stabbed in the back!"

"That wasn't my fault! I flew into the Inquisitor's lightsaber!" She pushed him back so he'd get the sense! "He dragged me into it!"

"All because I wasn't there to watch you!" He freed a hand to slap her pillow down and then swat that pillow across her brow.

"YOU SUCK!" She brought hers down on his head.

"You're stupid!" He threw the pillow aside and tackled her down. He was sitting on her, their hands locked together in a grudge match.

"You're an absolute child!" She kicked her legs childishly.

"I'm still older!"

"I'm smarter!"

"Say's who?!" He's offended!

"Say's me!" She eased up one hand to make him fall in, and used the imbalance to push him off and pin his to the couch. SHe playfully hammered her fists at him.

"I revoke your say!" He laughed, pitifully blocking at her attacks.

"Your revoke is overruled!"

They just laughed...and wrestled… ... … ...and laughed...until...the moment passed… … … drifting away into the past where it arose. Leaving Kanan...an emotionally emaciated Kanan Jarrus...alone, with nothing but memories of that great time...to torture him. Nothing soft to be pet by his hand. Just a cold bo-staff left behind as proof that Katerina was there.

xxx

He was...seated to that same couch...in that same spot. This time, however, there was no expression of deep thought, no ruminating about the past or good times, and the only piece of Katerina he had...was her staff. The very symbol of the kickass mechanic that bailed...no. No she didn't bail. She had to leave. And there was nothing that he or anyone else could have done to stop her.

To say Kanan LOOKED terrible would earn anyone a slap in the face. He didn't look terrible. He was rotting from the inside out. The golden brown complexion was paling to a sickly white, so white his veins could be seen. His cheeks were sinking in due to him not eating or drinking. His appetite was lost entirely. Choking down a granola bar was a trial he couldn't measure up to. He left his hair free of the band and in a tousled mess. Greasy and stuck together in a wiry mess. The bags under his eyes weren't able to be seen because the rings around his eyes had darkened. And with the week that has passed since Katerina left...without word...his condition just worsened. His body, in every sense, was eating itself out, seasoned by his guilt, his shame, his INABILITY to keep his promise! His promise that...he would never lose her again! That, no matter what came their way, he would be there for her like he's been there for him! For crying out loud, she ignored her rage and came to help them with the whole Trayvis situation and got shot for it! She didn't have to come back, and she didn't have to help save them! She didn't have to do any of it...but she did...and she waited. She waited for him to admit...that...he...that he screwed up when...he put his feelings before hers.

She's a clone. She is a clone! SHE IS A CLONE! She is one of the people that killed and destroyed everyone and everything they cared about so long ago! The sting, the pain, the betrayal - every single stab that they took that day is still fresh in their broken hearts! Those scars they wear will never heal! This is a horrific for her as it is for him! But he treated him like it was just about him...and she went mental. Then she went back home. She left everyone a parting gift...and left. And she...she isn't...coming back. She's not going to come back this time.

"Kanan…" Hera tenderly spoke, tiptoeing cautiously on her approach. Kanan reacted to her, but he didn't look at her. He just stared into an abyss, Hera's footsteps hollow echoes in his ears. When she got close, he inhaled strongly through is nose as if bracing himself. She smoothed a hand to the couch, too timid to touch him. She can see him on pins and needles, the seams coming undone. "Are you...are you...okay?" She cursed herself for asking such a standard...STUPID question. But it had to be asked. She needed this closure. She needs him to know...she's there.

"This isn't the second time." He droned, leaning forward to put his elbows on his knees. He interlaced his fingers and put his forehead to them.

"What?" Hera inched onto the chair arm.

"This isn't the second time I've lost her...Katerina." Hera swallowed back her tears. A tightness gripped her chest. Hearing him force his voice to be low...and unfeeling...was painful. "When she was a baby I took my eyes off of her...and I lost her." He slapped a hand on his thigh, sucking on his lips frustrated. Hera nibbled on her lower lip, her eyes glossing. "I left her alone...I panicked...and my master brought her back. All because I didn't call a sitter and didn't feed her." It was concise, to the point, vague to the extreme. Yet somehow Hera was able to decipher the anxiety that must have pumped through his veins. Kanan's drain circling brain was tearing itself in half. "I lost her again after order 66 because I couldn't get to her, or protect her, and she's been living just days away with a man who saved her for me." Hera bobbed her head, wrapping her arms tightly to herself to stop the shaking. "Now I've lost her again, but this time it's because I chased her away." Hera blinked at the tears that broke through, running down her cheek. She wanted to tell him he was wrong. To say that wasn't the case at all. It would be a lie. A lie that she took part in the moment she decided to remain quiet. Drops to the lounge table caught Hera off guard. Her heart sank seeing the tears run down Kanan's cheeks. "I lied to her, I treated her like one of them…" He was trembling, clawing at his scalp. He was biting down so hard to not scream that he nearly ruptured his gums. "And I chased her away! I CHASED HER AWAY!"

"Shh-shh-shh, Kanan…" Hera slipped herself between him and the couch, taking him in her arms against his chest. He buried his sobs into her, clutching to her for dear life. She continued to shush him, rock him back and forth while running a hand up and down his back. "It'll be okay…"

"I chased her away! I've lost her! I've lost my baby sister!" He howled.

"No you haven't! No you haven't!" She sniffled, running kisses to his head. "She'll come back. She...she has to...come back!" She raspednin despair.

"You don't know that!" Kanan finally screamed, scaring Hera but not enough to make her let go. "You don't know that at all!" He said again, wishing she would top breeding false hope in his mind.

Hera hates this. She hated this so much. She took a deep breath, and reluctantly said. "You're right. I don't."

The sad truth is, no one knew if Katerina would come back. Not Sabine, who was listening from the kitchen. Not Ezra and Chopper, who was eavesdropping from the cockpit. And not Zeb...who wasn't able to find the strength or will to enter the lounge from the hallway. The Lasat only stood there with his forehead pressed to the cold wall, his claws planted to the wall at the base of deep dig grooves. They have no clue. Not a single one. And to be honest, for Zeb, it's probably for the best she doesn't.

To be continued