Wishing everyone a Happy New Year 2019. With finally a break from my academic duties, I have completed this long awaited chapter. Please leave me some feedback, it is always nice to hear what you all thought.

All the best to all of you,

Christine

Chapter 50

Her head was pounding in pain. She opened her eyes and grimaced at the light from the fluorescent tubes above. She was in a hospital bed, separated from the rest of the room by a containment tent. She had an intravenous line, which she imagined was delivering fluids and electrolytes. She was hooked to a monitor, where she could see the line of heart beat and her blood pressure measurements. It was quiet, with the only rhythmic beep of the monitor. She tried to remember how she got there. She remembered Takashi and being lifted into the helicopter. The doctor, all gowned, who checked her vitals, and the loud roar of the helicopter engine. Then nothing. She must have passed out. Some flashes of light, behind her closed eyelids, voices she did not know, the sanitized smell of a hospital, nothing, nothing…

She was so tired. She closed her eyes again. She had strange dreams. People she did not know coming to see her and leaving, all gowned-up, bending over her bed to examine her. Hushed voices. Were there even dreams? Or hallucinations? Or reality mixing up in her confused mind? 'Is this how death will come to me, hallucinating? Slipping in and out of consciousness?' Helena thought. She was not scared or terrified. She just let herself float away, not holding on, letting go. Takashi came in her dream. She saw him with her, holding her hand, kissing her fingers. And then Laura, beautiful, vibrant, her red hair floating in the wind. "Do not fear… I am with you." Laura was whispering to her. She faded and Helena saw the inside of a cylon ship and Laura dying. Back in the hospital room to a gentle voice whispering to her, she opened her eyes; a nurse was at her side, recording vitals. Helena could not see her smile, but she knew it was there behind the mask she was wearing, her gentle green eyes were smiling. Light green blue eyes, the color of lake waters, surrounded by a deep dark brown skin. Helena saw the universe in the water of her eyes.

"Well, I can see you are all better today" she said, "I'm Makena, I will be taking care of you".

Makena changed her IV bag to a bag with a yellow clear liquid, "Anti-serum" she said pointing at the bag, "It will fight that infection quickly". Helena nodded and she was so weak that the brief movement tired her and she closed back her eyes with a deep sigh.

"We jumped.

When a jump occurs, there is generally a slight little gap, less than a second maybe, when we feel lurched forward, a weird feeling, almost not describable, where the body feels shifted, squeezed and then expanded, a bit like when a rollercoaster starts dropping. Some people hate it. Some get nauseous. Others get used to it with time. I never really liked the feeling, but got accustomed to it. It is very quick. However, this time it was different. Time stopped. In the millisecond of the jump, I had a vision. It was quite vivid, slow, as if I had entered some kind of parallel universe. I was surprised. I was healthy. I felt great indeed, the pain, the weariness of my body suddenly gone. I never realized before how my bones were aching, how my muscles had gotten tensed and stiff, how my skin, even, felt tight. All of this was gone in a flash. I was healthy and I could feel the weight of my hair pulling on my scalp, the softness of a silk scarf around my neck and on the skin of my chest. My back was not aching anymore and I was full of energy. I was on the Galactica and it was perfectly silent, completely empty. Elosha, my dear Elosha, was next to me, wearing her priestess clothing, her favorite blue colored clothes, her traditional scarf, her blue headband. Elosha, my friend! I missed her so much! I missed her deep voice and her wisdom; I missed her laugh. 'Oh my Gods' I exclaimed and I hugged her tightly. The jump ended and I was back in my body, shaken, overwhelmed by the feeling of its weakness, intrigued and amazed at what just happened. Where was I? Where were we? Where did the jump take us? It took a minute to realize what had happened. We were in a cylon basestar, a handful of humans, Baltar, Helo, some marines and me. Totally vulnerable and without any way to get back. At their mercy. Away far from the Galactica. Lost. The hybrid was continuing to speak coding sentences and non-sense. Maybe. A number Eight was wondering why we had jumped at the first place and Baltar wanted to talk with the hybrid. Helo was in shock, like the rest of us, and before we even had the time to figure out what happened, we jumped again. And I was back inside my vision, inside this parallel universe.

We were walking in a completely deserted Galactica. Did it mean we found Earth? Was it evacuated? Was it the future? Or a past that did not happen? I knew Elosha was dead, yet she was here. Empty corridors echoed with our steps. There were no more announcements, no crew running or calling out. It was big, it was vast and it was completely bare. The lights were dimmed as if the ship had been decommissioned. Elosha guided me to a room in sickbay. I hardly could recognize the deserted stripped sickbay, if not for this bed, occupied by a very sick patient hooked to vitals monitor. She was barely alive, her raspy breathing echoing in the room, her face very pale. She was weak and moaning. She was bald, a scarf tied on her skull and a line delivering oxygen to her nostrils. She was me, ready to die from cancer. I felt her pain in my body, the agony of her suffering. It was as if I had been split into two persons, the healthy one, strong, watching and the dying one, weak and very ill.

The jump ended and I was back on the basestar near the hybrid. I was watching the Eight whose hand in an electronic tray full of liquid was communicating with the computer of the baseship. How odd that they just could connect this way with some liquid interface! Baltar was babbling, continuing to attempt to communicate with the hybrid. And the Eight was telling us that the hybrid was panicking.

'Tell me why you are jumping the ship' Baltar asked directly and the hybrid informed us that the six, Nathalie, had died. Nathalie had been killed on Galactica and the hybrid was reacting to this trauma. The hybrid makes her own decisions and our attempts to influence her probably would not work. The Eight informed us that the hybrid had become aware that we would try to stop her so she had taken control of life support and any attempt to stop her would kill us. A conscious and thinking computer, who was making her own decisions and basically was reacting at their leader being killed! Wonderful! She seemed to calm down and Baltar was priding himself on doing this… oh well, he was not even finished with his sentence that he jumped again. And I was back in my vision.

It was not real. It couldn't be. Elosha was dead, after all. Yet, it felt real. My body, my consciousness split into two! Dr. Cottle was leaning over me on one side of my death bed. And on the other side, Bill was gently holding my hand. He had placed Searider Falcon on the bed next to me. I blinked and now Kara and Lee were there too, next to the bed. Was this later? Was it a different moment? Was it the future? Or some alternate reality? I was struggling to find my breath, pain in my lungs, barely conscious.

Elosha bent to my face on the pillow and whispered: 'Don't you hate these people!'

No! I shook my head… I do not hate them!

'No', I replied shaking my head, in an effort to share my feelings. I felt tears stinging my eyes. My healthy self was watching this torture, feeling the heartbreak of Laura, unable to detach my eyes from the frail body, struggling to express her last feelings.

'No, but you don't love them either', Elosha was continuing. I shook my head, No, Elosha! No, I loved them. But the pain was too strong and I was too weak, hooked to the monitors, barely able to breathe. I had loved them. I had loved Bill, didn't I? But I never told him. Still, I had distrusted Kara and fought Lee on many occasions. Tears escaped my closed eyes. I was struggling to breathe, too weak to talk, as I was listening to Elosha.

'People in this room are the closest you've got to family', she added. And my tears flowed.

I loved them. I walked around the bed slowly, watching myself struggling, watching the tears rolling from my closed eyes and falling on the pillow. I observed the distress on Kara's face, her love for me.

'And you…You've been their president.' Elosha whispered. Lee held Kara close, as she was overwhelmed by emotion. 'Watch them try to comfort each other. A least you have not taken that away from them… yet. You did not rob them of their empathy… yet!'

Bill, who was still holding my hand, caressed my arm, then brushed his fingers on my forehead and wiped my tears with his thumb, softly. His touch was tender and loving. I leaned my head in the comfort of his touch, against the pain, against my distress. It was so simple. Just a simple touch… comfort… his presence… the warmth of his hand holding mine… his thumb wiping my tears… I tried to move my thumb, just a little, to let him know that I felt him. To let him know that I appreciated his care. He added a little pressure on my fingers in response, the simplest language of tenderness. I am here, it said. I am here with you. I was dissociated, feeling 'her' and me, and wondering why Elosha was doing this… I knew her well enough to know that it was not free… She wanted to teach me something… Or was she just my subconscious mind, acting up from the stress of being stranded on a cylon baseship? Part of me did not want to take this seriously. It was just a vision, after all. But yet, I was seeing –and feeling- myself dying too at the same exact time.

'You just don't make room for people anymore.' Was that true? Elosha? Was that true? Had I become so cold and bitter? Was I in danger of becoming this woman? Lying cold and bitter on her deathbed? Did she catch me just before I became this?

'You don't love people!' The dying Laura struggled to find air, wheezing in an attempt to breathe, the pain in her lungs probably as sharp as her mental pain, realizing that what Elosha was saying was true. 'Is that clear enough? Practical enough for you, Madam President?' Elosha said. Before I could see what happened next, we were out of the jump and my vision vanished.

It was disorienting. I was back and the Eight was saying that we were going towards the resurrection hub. If we were going to the resurrection hub, then the mission, our plan to destroy it, was still happening. The hybrid was programmed to continue its mission. So, the hybrid was pursuing the resurrection hub, one jump at a time. The Eight was trying to explain to us that we could not predict when we would catch it and that at some point, we would have to fight. There would be no warning. We had to be ready, because once we found the hub, the cylons defending it would eradicate us easily, unless we had a good plan to fight and destroy it. Helo was planning their attack with an Eight, looking just like his wife Athena. How could it not be confusing for him?

For a while it was quiet. I didn't have a watch but I felt it probably was getting quite late in the night. Night and day did not mean much in space and in this environment, still we had our rhythms. There was nothing to do. The hybrid had taken control of the ship. The trajectory was determined. I felt alienated on this ship. It was so stripped and bare, grey with some bursts of light red and white running in the walls. I was on a cylon ship, among the race of beings who had nearly wiped the human race out. I asked to be lead back to the raptor that brought us here. The cylons did not understand. No… I was not going to leave. With nothing to do but wait, I retreated inside the raptor and rested on one of the seats. I was exhausted. I just wanted to be back in a setting that was more human, less foreign. I had left Searider Falcon in the raptor and now I wanted to the book back, to hold it, maybe to read a few familiar lines. Anything to bring me back to a sense of familiarity. The book that was also in my visions became an anchor to reality. I allowed my thoughts to drift back to Bill. I was wondering what he was doing. I knew that he would keep looking for us, as soon as we jumped away. I knew he would never give up. I had once told him and Lee to give up on the search for Kara, scolding them like little irresponsible kids. They had agreed reluctantly when they realized their desperate search was consuming much of our precious resources. Hopefully, Bill had understood that the cylons were going after the hub and he should start his search accordingly.

Each jump was bringing me back to my deathbed. My consciousness was fragmented. I was feeling her dying, struggling, her pain. At the same time a healthy 'I' was observing her. It was a long agony. Hours maybe. Days? I was powerless, most completely, totally –utterly- powerless. I was stripped bare in my emotions and my psyche. I was raw. I had to watch myself suffering a long agony, experiencing some of her pain. Elosha was silent now, bearing witness to the pain of the dying Laura and the pain of Laura the observer. I wanted to escape this, but jump after jump, I was brought back to the same place, watching myself die. Bill was there, never leaving my side, reading gently Searider Falcon, his voice soothing. Sometimes, I opened my eyes and looked at him, wondering. Had the cancer already metastasized in the brain of this dying Laura? Was she confused? I was her. I knew Bill was reading and I knew I was dying. Most of the time, my eyes were closed as I was struggling against the pain, searing in my lungs and abdomen. Dr. Cottle injected me with painkillers and I'd fall asleep. Then, Bill would stop reading and close his eyes too, never letting go of my hand. I felt the pain and the relief of the medicine and then the pain again later. I'd woke up, feeling a kiss on my forehead… Bill. I looked in his eyes, silently asking to be delivered from the pain. He replied with another kiss and gentle words. 'I'm here, Laura.'

There were many jumps and I didn't know anymore where reality was. I did not know why Elosha had brought me to my deathbed, to experience it. What was she trying to teach me? The visions were exhausting. I was living her pain, her death. All I knew that Bill was with her, with me, constantly all of this time, a comforting presence. Still I was on the cylon ship. My visions, as vivid, prescient and distressing as they were, were not real. I was reminding myself this each time I was returning into my very real ailing body. I was on the basestar and with our upcoming rendezvous with the resurrection hub, I had a job to do. I was still the president and we needed to destroy the hub. I could not let myself get distracted by visions of my own demise. My real physical body was drained from the visions. I was still experiencing side effects from the Doloxan treatments from the previous day… Just one day… It felt like a lifetime. Shivering from a rising fever, I snuggled in the raptor seat, holding the book tight to my chest, cradled in my arms. Searider Falcon, my anchor to reality, my anchor to Bill. I fell asleep.

Captain Agathon woke me up. He came to discuss the mission to destroy the resurrection hug. I sensed he was harboring contradicting feelings, the danger of the mission and the annihilation this represented… Annihilation of the cylons as immortal beings. I told him that this mission was too important, putting all that was left of my strength to deliver a very clear order. It was the president talking. The cylons had destroyed our world, killed millions of humans, we needed to stop them and the only way we could do this was by destroying the hub, preventing them to download into new bodies. We could not turn back. We also needed to bring back D'Anna, because she knew the identity of the five cylons hiding in our fleet. And the Five knew the way to Earth. These Five represented a danger. They could be anyone, sleeper agents, not even aware of their true nature. I wanted to talk to her first, before the other cylons could get this information from her. I was willing of course to let the other cylons get that information, but we needed to have the advantage. Despite our arrangement, I needed to see her first. Agathon seemed upset. Gods! Did he realize that this was still war? That we needed this information before our so-called-allies could take it and run to Earth leaving us behind. With their ability to resurrect gone, they wanted a place to live as much as we did. Would they take the Five's knowledge and go to Earth, leaving us bereft? We had no idea if they would be willing to share that information once they had it. Seeing D'Anna first was our insurance card. I made my point strongly to him, with as much authority as I could muster in my weakened state. Agathon was going to organize the strike to the hub with the other pilots and marines and the cylons. Leaving Searider Falcon inside the raptor, belonging to Lt Pike, I walked back to the hybrid.

This was very frustrating. The hybrid did not seem to listen to either of us, then she would pick a few of our words and repeat them. Baltar and I had no idea how to handle this. He was screaming at her (as if screaming would make his message clearer) and I kept on questioning her, asking her to explain my vision. But we did not know what did reach her consciousness. Baltar was about to leave the room in the middle of our argument on what worked best on her when she said 'The Three is on line'. The Three was D'Anna and this could only mean she was unboxed and back in a body. As I was processing this information she initiated a jump again.

Again… Again… back on the empty Galactica. I did not want to go back there, witnessing my own agony. Yet, I was back observing myself, ailing, in this hospital bed with Bill, Cottle, Kara and Lee around the bed. I refused to look at her, overwhelmed by her pain. My body was hers. She was me. Our emotional and emphatic connection was complete. Empathic distress, they called it, to name the pain one experiences when we connect to others so fully, our bodies and minds become one with theirs. Except she was not someone else. She was me. I walked away from the scene, trying to understand the point of my witnessing her death, avoiding the emptiness and pain I could feel inside myself. 'Why are we doing this again?' I exclaimed to Elosha, 'I don't want to see this again'. I walked away from the room, as far as I could go in the empty corridors.

'The ancients used to say -A People are only as strong as the body of its Leader-' Elosha replied. I was puzzled.

'If I follow that thought, are you saying that humanity died because I died? If you're my subconscious, I've got to say you're a little bit full of myself!' I replied. Elosha shook her head and smiled kindly.

'Humanity did not die because you did! The ancients, they got a lot of things wrong! The body of a People is not the same as the body of its leader! But the soul and the spirit might be!'

'Oh, I see, so you're only laying morality at my feet! Well that's okay. I can take care of that' I walked into an empty room. I knew I was not without faults, but I believed strongly, at my core, that I had always done my best to ensure the safety of my people. Did I lie? Yes, I did! Did I do things some consider morally wrong? Yes, I did! But my intentions were always to save my people. My intentions were always their best interest and my actions were always justified as such. Were these visions a trial of my life? A trial of my morality? Was this dying woman over there in sickbay a Laura who I could become? A strong leader, uncompromising, who was so strict she forgot her humanity? Was I about to become her? So caught up in my presidential role, I had forgotten to be human? So strong, but left agonizing, weak, by illness. Was she bitter too? Was I bitter?

Who could judge me on my morality when a pathetic human such as Baltar even existed? Was there even a comparison?

'I mean, there are a lot of people with sins far greater than mine!' I added.

'You're thinking of Gaius Baltar!' Elosha exclaimed with a laugh.

But as we walked into the empty room and turned the corner, my path brought me back to the room I just left, in front of Laura's bed, inescapable. Bill was sitting by her, reading Searider Falcon aloud. He was reading one of the early chapters of the book. The hero, bare handed, had then attempted to cultivate the island he had reached to survive, with his best intentions. He had opened the ground, removed rocks and planted seeds from fruits he found nearby 'in long straight furrows like the ranks of soldiers'. From my deathbed, I was watching Bill, listening to his voice. I was looking at him and tears filled my eyes. As, I stepped into the room, I wanted to understand, mildly irritated to be witnessing this again. I saw the eyes of the dying Laura filled with tears, and mine immediately did the same. I stopped, trying to put some distance between me and her. I could not. Was it his voice, soothing and grave, or simply the tenderness of the moment, his hand holding mine, as I was watching him read silently? I could not separate from her. And I felt my tears and my pain as acutely as hers.

'When I finished, I looked at what I had done. I did not see a garden; I saw a scar.' Laura closed her eyes for a bit and reopened them watching him.

'This island had saved my life and I had done it no service…'

I could not see his expression, as he read. He was facing away from me. But I knew the tone of his voice was filled with regret. I could see her expression, when she was looking at him. I could feel what she felt. Regret, despair, unfathomable pain, and mostly… mostly loneliness. The meaning of these words sank in me like a knife, as I let my tears escape on my cheeks. Despite our best intentions, we still managed to corrupt something pure, just like that island. By wanting to survive, unable to let go, we brought an indelible stain on our environment, on those surrounding us, on the very pure helpers who were saving us. We corrupted everything. We destroyed even when did not mean to. We destroyed those meant to help us. We did not respect. We did not give back. Was that the lesson? My spirit, fierce warrior, fighting relentlessly for our survival had destroyed the purity of the very exact thing I wanted to save! Human morality? Human culture? It was not very beautiful before. We made mistakes, many. We created that war at the first place. But there was still something to save! Beauty, poetry, all of what made us human and raised us. Despite my best intentions, what would my legacy be? Would it be that anything is allowed in the name of survival? Betraying, killing, committing genocide. Would it be that in trying to save the human race, we lost our humanity! Would it be that I lost my humanity! If I was indeed the spirit of my people, like Elosha hinted, would they lose their humanity too? What was the legacy I was leaving? The jump ended and I was pushed back in a reality I did not belong to anymore.

After our miserable attempt to make the hybrid talk, Baltar had left and I moved in one of the side rooms. I was still processing the meaning of those visions. I wanted to talk to Agathon and let him know that likely D'Anna had been downloaded back into a body. I was shaking, sick. Clearly my immune system had been somewhat knocked down by the Doloxan and I was fighting a cold, coughing a bit. I had a fever. I hid my weariness behind the armor of the warrior. This was not a time for hesitations. I held to my prior beliefs, that we needed to talk to D'Anna first. Agathon made the assumption that once I had the information, the way to Earth, I would keep it for myself, for the humans only. He said we were supposed to keep our share of the deal and that it was not honest. I realized that he was seeing me that way, as a person not to be trusted, a dishonest person. But he did not know what I would do, and I was certainly not planning to leave the cylons allies in the dark. He could not possibly know of the battle that was raging inside my mind, a battle for our morality. He was making assumptions, the assumption that D'Anna knew indeed the identity of the Five, and that she would reveal them, the assumption that indeed the Five knew the way to Earth and that they would tell us and the assumption that I was dishonest all along. Really? What did he know? D'Anna, if I recall well, was not an easy person to deal with. She was tough and I was expecting a difficult conversation. Agathon was arguing that we could trust the cylons. That seemed so naïve to me. He tried to dissuade me to do this, saying that he did not believe that cylons would betray us. He had no way to know what they would do, especially with D'Anna back in their ranks and with the Six, who was their leader, dead and probably killed on board of Galactica. Who knows what they would do to us, once they had the information they wanted. We were so far away from the Galactica, literally without any protection. This was our only bargaining chip, if things went wrong. His affection for the number Eight model was creating a strong bias. We knew now that each cylon, despite their model, developed some kind of individual personalities. He had no way to know what they would do. I did not want to assume, and I wanted to take every possible precaution to avoid a disaster. I gave him the opportunity to relinquish his command, if he could not obey these orders. I could not afford to be sentimental at this point, right now and I told him so. As we were finishing this conversation an alarm rang and we understood that we arrived in the near vicinity of the resurrection hub. And just like that, the operation was a go. There was no time for thinking, the battle was on. Agathon left to attend to his pilots. I was left alone in the room. There was a desk and two benches to sit. The room was illuminated with red glowing lights. I wished so much to be back on the raptor.

'Oh' I exclaimed and covered my mouth with my shaking hand. The raptor, belonging to Lt Pike, would be used in the battle. I had left Searider Falcon on board. I sighed heavily, pressing my arms across my chest, having lost the only object that linked me with Bill, and linked me with reality. Unable to do anything but wait, I laid down on the bench and closed my eyes.

Suddenly the whole ship shook and I heard an explosion nearby. We were under attack. I had no way to know if our pilots, Agathon and the cylons were able to destroy the hub, but I knew that the battle was raging outside. I heard the sound of crashing metal and of glass shattering nearby. I could hear gun fire and explosions. And then a scream… I recognized Baltar's voice immediately. I ran in his direction and saw him collapsed on the floor with a large blood stain on his shirt. A marine helped me carry him to the room, where I lay him down on one of those benches. Thankfully the marine had a medic case. I sent the marine out for news and I attempted to help Baltar. He had a large tear on the left side of his abdomen, which was bleeding profusely. I was not trained in emergency care, but I knew to pack the wound with gauze in an attempt to slow down the bleeding. He was in pain. Thankfully there was a syringe of morpha in the kit and I administered it promptly to him. He kept on whispering 'thank you' to me as I attempted to make the gauze stay in place with tape. A futile attempt, I may say. Maybe it just would hold until he could be taken care of. As the drug invaded his brain, Baltar started to talk to me more.

'You know something? You're very pretty' he said. Coming from him, who would sleep with the entire female contingent of the fleet and the cylons too, this made me laugh.

'Man, that morpha works fast', I replied snorting.

'You know why I'm so serene right now?' he added

'You're doped out of your mind' I replied not without humor.

'Because I know God' he continued and went on spilling spiritual babble to me, and how knowing God would help me, how it would change me.

Then he said: 'The truth is, I was harboring the most awful desperate guilt…' And I stopped moving, realizing what he was saying. I remembered vividly the vision I had when I lost consciousness, the very first time I was dying with cancer, Baltar walking with the number Six blonde cylon by the river side, near the market, in Caprica City. I remembered then that I knew he was involved in the attacks, somehow.

'A heavy dark, unimaginable soul-breaking guilt…' He looked at me

'Now it's gone' and he went explaining how he did not feel this guilt anymore. I was shaking.

'What is your guilt about?'

'I have no guilt'

'What was your guilt about?' I corrected.

'I gave the access codes to the cylon. They wiped up most of humanity' he said then. It was as if a big cold silence invaded me. I did not hear much about what he said after, his explanation, his empty justifications, his spiritual analysis… I had felt since the beginning that he was responsible for the attacks and it dawned on me that I was right all along. Part of me knew, yet part of me did not want to believe this without proof. Now, I had that proof, a confession. I was just looking at him, at this man, who had destroyed billions of human beings, across twelve planets, trying to justify his crime as an Act of God. He was saying he was loved by God for this.

'Looking back, I think I was rewarded' he said, looking at me, confessing to me, confiding his deepest feelings.

'Rewarded…' I whispered back.

'Pythia talks about the flood that wiped out most of humanity' he explained. 'Nobody blames the flood. The flood is a force of nature. Through the flood, mankind is rejuvenated, born again. I was another flood, you see.'

I was shaking my head, trying to follow his logic. In his sick narcissist mind, he was still able to justify his action. He was saying now that he was an instrument of God.

I was thinking of the death and the pain and the suffering he inflicted on humanity, on people, those who died, those we tried to rescue for years. I was thinking of those burned alive in the explosions of nuclear weapons. All of those we had lost. Our planets destroyed! Now, my whole body was trembling. I had in front of me the biggest criminal of all times, responsible for the annihilation of the human race. Him! I was filled with rage, a burning, searing dark rage. I was shaking from it. There are no valid qualifiers for describing it. I was on fire, yet I felt cold at the same time. A cold calculated rage! It was as if the floor opened underneath me and I was engulfed in hate, rage for what he had done, for this pathetic human responsible for the genocide of the human race.

'All my guilt flies away, flies away like a bird. I can give you that peace, Laura, that freedom… Pray with me,' he added, 'pray with me.'

'Okay' I replied out of breath, 'okay.'

I did not think this through, I sat on the floor by him, overwhelmed by my rage, feeling ready to collapse in shock. I even tried to pray. All I could feel was rage. Yet, I was very calm. I saw the blood dropping and congealing on the floor from my very poor attempt to bandage him. It was as if time had stopped. Me and him, finally facing off, after all of this time, without any secrets left between us. He had admitted the truth. I knew. He was responsible for the destruction of humanity. By giving the access codes to the cylons, he had prevented any fight or resistance. The cylons wiped out all of our defenses. They wiped out humanity. I acted in a trance, fueled by my rage. Very slowly, I removed his bandage, with the intent to let the blood flow fully. I knew I was killing him. I did this deliberately. Revenge or justice, name it what you want. He had, by his action, destroyed humanity. He was responsible.

'What are you doing?'

'That's all right,' I replied, 'you're fine!'

He tried to push back; I shushed him gently.

'You're fine' I whispered. I am not violent. I never was. He would die a small, little death, painless, unlike those that burned in the inferno of nuclear weapons. Just, he needed to pay for what he had done.

'Don't do this to me, please,' he begged again and again. All I could hear was the drops of blood falling faster on the floor, spreading on top of the congealed puddle that had formed. I retreated facing away from him, shocked. Suddenly, I felt the ship shake brutally from a large detonation and shockwave. I knew they had nuked the resurrection hub. Thousands of cylons had died, their programing and memories destroyed forever. Thousands more would die from their inability to download back into new bodies. It was as if their screams filled my consciousness.

'Don't do this to me, please, don't do this to me' Baltar was begging again and again. I could not watch him. I joined my hands in prayer, for his soul, for my soul, and for all of those who had lost their lives to his actions.

'Please…'

'No…' I replied slowly. This monster was now facing this death, just like I was facing mine.

We jumped…

I was back in sickbay. Elosha was leaning against the frame of the bed, looking at my frail body, barely alive. I had not dared to approach the bed where the other 'I' was dying.

'I'm not saying that Baltar has done more good than harm in the universe,' Elosha was saying, 'he hasn't!' She continued, 'the thing is, the harder it is to recognize someone's right to draw a breath, the more crucial it is. If humanity is going to prove itself worthy of surviving, it can't do it on a case-by-case basis.' I approached the foot of the bed, finally, leaning on the bed frame next to Elosha, understanding what she was saying and watching the unconscious face of the dying Laura.

'A bad man feels his death just as keenly as a good man.' She added looking at me. She was teaching me compassion. Laura was unconscious. I was not suffering anymore. Bill was there leaning over her small frame, holding her hand.

'What do you want from me, here?' I asked softly, looking at Elosha.

'Laura…' Bill called tenderly…

'Just love someone.' Elosha replied looking in my eyes, frowning, serious and emotional. I swallowed my emotion. So, it was. Love. Compassion. Unconditional love.

'Love…' I whispered, looking at the couple. Bill had leaned over Laura, bringing her hand to his lips and kissing it gently. I recognized it… his love for her.

'Oh' I said, as the emotion caught in my throat. And then the monitor beeped an alert. Her heart had stopped… My heart… I felt it… not pain really, no, more like a little quake and then I was drifting as if I was swimming underwater, flying… I felt bathed by peace, comfort, warmth and light. A light I could not see, but felt all around me. I felt my consciousness drifting in a vast space, without boundaries anymore, no separation between my body and the rest of the universe. I was free. I was part of the universe. I was all over the universe. Time did not exist. Peace… I felt love surrounding me like a warm and soft hug. Light…

Bill looked at the monitor and understood I had died. He looked at her, at me, without moving for a minute, and then slowly bent to kiss her mouth, a soft and gentle farewell kiss. My mouth, my lips… I could not feel any separation between her and me anymore. We were one and the same. I felt his love like a cocoon enveloping me, I felt his kiss. I heard his voice in the middle of the peace and love I was feeling and I knew his pain.

'You go,' he said, 'you go…' his voice broke with tears, 'you go to your rest now…' he sighed heavily. 'I'm not going to be selfish anymore.' My soul was breaking for him. I felt his deep pain and grief, a measure of his profound love for me. He was caressing my hand and my arm, looking at my body. And I wanted to tell him, I'm not there anymore. I am all around you, everywhere and nowhere. Bill… look, I'm part of the universe!

'You go…'

Bill…

'Rest…' He looked at his hands holding mine. He slid his gold ring off his finger and placed it gently on my finger, like a wedding band. I could see his tears falling on my hand, like a sacred blessing. A sacrament. I could feel his tears. I heard his sobs and I felt his deep love for me. An unconditional love like I never experienced before, surrounding me with tenderness, light and warmth.

The jump ended and I was thrown back, squeezed painfully, into my frail little ailing body, going from the vastness of a loving universe to a soul constricted in anger, small and narrow, blinded by hate, confined in her rage. My rage reduced me to a bitter person, unable to see beyond her vengeance. My heart was imprisoned in an armor to defend myself against my fear, the fear of the other, the fear of the cylons, the fear of my fate, the fear of losing control. I had experienced my death and at the same exact moment, I had experienced a love so overwhelmingly powerful that it opened up my eyes and heart and let me see the vastness, the light, peace and beauty of the universe. And I was back down here, killing a man. What was I doing?

'No..' I whispered to the unmoving man bleeding to his death near me. I rushed to him, crying.

'No, please, no…' I was praying. I found his pulse and I knew he was not dead yet. I rushed to stop the bleeding. Maybe there was still hope. Maybe there was still redemption for what I had done.

'Stop the bleeding.' I repeated incessantly as I was piling up gauze and bandages on the wound. Baltar was unconscious now and very pale. Baltar let out a moan.

'Okay, good, good, don't go' I said as I was bandaging him again.

I found a bag of saline and I managed to get an intravenous line in a vein of his hand.

'Please, don't go Gaius, please.' I just had to connect the bag and let it flow by placing the bag higher than his hand. I tried and hoped it would work.

'No more, no more, don't go.' Once the saline was flowing, I started to breathe.

'Please, don't die' I said, sobbing, 'live… don't go.' And I laid my head on his chest, crying with shame and remorse. Now, I just had to wait. I prayed for forgiveness. I moved back to the bench next to his and laid down, as I waited. I was watching Gaius, and making sure he was staying alive. And at the same time, I was recalling the feeling of love I had experienced in my vision. It was still there with me. When Agathon and D'Anna entered the room, I was just resting. D'Anna rushed to Baltar when she saw him. Agathon told me that the hub had been destroyed.

'Don't let anyone in here, whatever it takes,' I ordered him as he left.

It was me and D'Anna. She had examined Baltar and was convinced he would survive. I was relieved.

'I think it's going to be a long time jumping back' she added, as she looked up at me.

'I've got time' I replied. She did not miss a beat. D'Anna had always been tough and she immediately made sure I knew she was in charge. She was not surprised to know I knew about the Five cylons in the fleet.

'So you know about the final Five' she said

'I know they're supposed to know the way to Earth' I replied.

'But you don't know that you're one of them?' she replied. I froze. Could that be possible? Me? She laughed.

'Your face! Ah, it's ridiculous! No, look, I'm not giving you any names, not until I feel like I'm safe. Cause, information is all I've got sweetie. I'm mortal now. In fact, I'm the only Three in the whole darn universe. So, I've got to worry about protecting myself. I'll tell you who the final Five are, when you take me back to your fleet. Oh, by the way, Laura, I would have said the same thing, if you would have met me with a whole lot of cylons, because I don't trust anyone right now. So, all this deception, complete waste of time.' I nodded and smiled. I was caught and I accepted my defeat with good humor. She was right and I should have not been expecting anything less from D'Anna.

We were a long way back to the fleet or at least our original point of departure. Many jumps. I was not scared of them anymore, jump after jump would bring me back in my vision and I was talking with Elosha, sitting next to me. The other Laura had died and I never returned to sickbay. Bill had left and I never saw him again in my vision. There was just Elosha, talking gently to me and this overwhelming feeling of love, vastness and peace. Baltar was taken care by the cylons and they kept him alive until he would get back to Dr. Cottle. I remained sitting and listening to the non-sense babble of the hybrid as jumps succeeded to jumps. She ever told me about the Opera house. My heart was so full, I felt it was going to explode.

Elosha told me: 'You have changed. Your whole body is different, relaxed, soft. There is so much light in your eyes. You are glowing.' And I knew she was not lying because I could feel it. My aches and pains were gone and I felt stronger. I felt at peace. I just looked at her and smiled.

'You lied to me' I said to her softly without bitterness, smiling, during one of our many jumps.

'Did I?' she replied smiling.

'I thought I was earning humanity's right to survive.' I said. Saving Baltar because 'a bad man feels his death as keenly as a good man'. I learned, showed and expressed compassion.

'Oh! It's not a vending machine, Laura. You don't save a life and then –cue the celestial trumpets- here's your way to Earth'

I laughed. 'I know.' But I could not prevent myself from thinking that ultimately this was the lesson, experiencing love, feeling compassion and knowing the importance of everything that is alive. Knowing to respect all life, no matter what the circumstances were, no matter whose life it was. I had died in these visions. I had felt it vividly.

Another jump.

'Disorienting, isn't it? All of these little limping steps back' Elosha said.

'I like it' I replied. It kept me linked with the feeling of love and peace I experienced. My heart was open and I let Elosha in without restrains. 'I'm used to it. Every jump brings us back a little closer to home, Galactica, my home.' Home, my home, where Bill was.

'Maybe there is something there for me.' I added smiling, emotion filling my heart, and Elosha smiled back.

'Maybe even closer.' Elosha replied. This was the last time I saw her. I will keep in my memory her sweet open face, her smile and her love. She had been a mother to me, a guide and a dear friend. This was the last jump, before we saw the raptor waiting. I knew it was Bill. Only he would wait alone in the darkness for me to return. I asked for privacy to meet him. I needed to be alone with him.

And when the raptor door opened and I saw him, my heart leaped in my chest with excitement. He walked toward me slowly, taking in my appearance, looking at me with such tenderness I was overwhelmed with joy.

'Missed you' he said, looking in my eyes.

'Me too' I added, barely able to speak through my emotion. He pulled me into a tight hug and I melted against his chest, hugging him back. I hid my face in his neck, feeling his warmth, breathing his scent deeply, his solid chest against mine and his arms holding me oh so tight. I remembered his loving kiss when I died, the ring he placed on my finger, his tears.

'I love you' I said in a small voice, as I could not hold my tears anymore. And I pulled back to look at him, smiling through my tears, filled with love for him.

'About time.' He replied looking at my eyes with tenderness and softly caressed my cheek. He bent to kiss my tears, my eyelids, my temple and I cried of joy and love. I pulled him back into a tight embrace. I did not want to let him go. I wanted to hold him. He kissed my neck and his kisses moved to my jaw and my lips. I kissed him back, tasting both our tears on his lips, softly and then passionately. When our kiss ended, he whispered 'wait' and went back to the raptor for a brief moment.

'Laura, I've got something for you.' He said, handing me Searider Falcon, the book with a cover badly burned.

'Oh my Gods,' I exclaimed, 'I thought it was lost forever!' I caressed the cover of the book with tenderness, remembering how it had been present in my vision.

'It has burned!' I said. And in this instant, I knew that the vision was not the future. The book was never burnt there. The vision was some alternate reality, one that maybe would not exist, ever.

'Yes, we found it on Pike's raptor. He died in the battle.' He said. I nodded sadly.

'We have a lot to talk about.' I said softly looking in his eyes. He nodded.

'So do I' We both knew then that we had each experienced some shattering events during our absence from each other. I took his hand and laced my fingers with his, and leaning against his body we walked together to the inside of the ship where the others and the cylons were waiting for us.