Better Living Through Chemistry

Quirrell encounters some unexpected aftereffects of drinking unicorn blood. Written for the challenge "Tickled Pink".

I lifted my head from the corpse.

The silky laughter that ran through my thoughts was...odd. It took me a moment to capture the flavor of it, rolling and gleeful as it was. I blinked hard with the jarring unfamiliarity of it and the sudden wash of accompanying images.

Truly, Dark Lords should not be gleeful. Their laughter should not roll. And they should not - should not - flood their minions' minds with sparkling dancing unicorns. Pink sparkling dancing unicorns.

Oh? And why is that, Quirinus?

It bodes ill for their minions, I snapped wearily, before I could think. Inevitably.

But you're such a commendable minion, aren't you? His voice twined through my thoughts, bubbling and spinning. Drinking unicorn blood when I command you.

A shudder rippled through me at the memory of what we...what I...had done just moments earlier. I swallowed. And that makes you gleeful and inclined towards images of pink sparkling dancing unicorns?

That, and the unicorn blood we now have in our system. It's quite...delightful. I feel inspired by our success.

With only the slight downside of being irrevocably cursed. The thought was sour.

Bah. I felt the exuberant mental flourish and watched Nagini coil ecstatically at my feet. I was a wandering insubstantial soul shard for a decade. Cursed is a step up, Quirinus. You just have to learn to live a little.

I snorted. Live a little? Surely. Because being your human familiar, living horcrux, and commendable commandable minion who sports your visage on the back of my head is just so boring. What I need is a bit more excitement in my life.

Tsk, sarcasm does not become you, sweet squirrel.

I harumphed, feeling far too bold. You liked my wit well enough earlier tonight.

I enjoy many things about you. His pronouncement ended on a high, giddy note that held for three full seconds.

If he started singing, I didn't know what I'd do. Perhaps join in.

I blinked hard, careful not to shake my head. The unicorn blood was clearly starting to affect me as well. Bursting into song in the middle of the Forbidden Forest while hovering over the drained corpse of a unicorn was, shall we say, unwise.

Nagini began to hiss in a rhythmic manner with the barest hint of pitch. I glanced down at her, watching her sway in time to an oddly familiar tune. After a moment, I placed it as I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General from The Pirates of Penzance.

I stared for several heartbeats, while the Dark Lord's voice held another resonant whole note out in my mind.

There are some points when you must simply accept your circumstances.

I picked myself up and began to jauntily stride back home through the looming blackness of the forest, humming in time with Nagini. I am the very model of Lord Vol-de-mo-ort's mi-ni-on, Of this there can be no honest di-sse-en-ting o-pi-ni-on...

Author's Note: If you haven't ever heard I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General, I do highly recommend hunting up a youtube video of it. The one whose id is watch?v=Z2OcbeGqbpU is an excellent example.