Bad Fish

Quirinus Quirrell experiences the continuing unexpected after-effects of drinking unicorn blood for the first time. Written for the prompt "one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish."

I lay back on the bed, my head turned sharply to the right in the way I had come to learn was best for both me and the Dark Lord. I blinked slowly as Nagini twined around both my torso and my right arm, her considerable tongue lolling in a decidedly unreptilian fashion. Fish danced improbably in my mind's eye.

Unicorn blood and its untold euphoric properties. I'd say never again but-

"That would be a statistic." The voice slid luxuriously from the back of my head in the precise articulation of the very, very drunk.

My sympathetic nervous system managed not to have a hysterical spasm for once as my thoughts twirled around the odd words. Ah. Got it. "As in lies, damned lies, and?"

"Quite."

"I didn't know you knew that quote."

"Recently acquired." One of the dancing fish sprouted an abacus while two others scribbled on a chalkboard. "Your subconscious is a positive treasure trove when you sleep, Quirinus."

"Mmmm." I watched as Nagini blinked one eye slowly at me, and then the other, struggling to focus. That made three of us. And those ridiculous fish were still there, a red one and a blue one and a black one, calculating God knows what with their itty bitty fins. Another quote burbled through my thoughts and I had neither the will nor the inclination to stop it. "One fishhhhh," I said with liquid slowness, "two fishhhh." My lips struggled to wrap appropriately around the consonants. "Rrrred fishhhh. Buh-luuuuue fishhhhhh."

I felt the back of my scalp rumple in thought, brows knitting together. And then there was a sudden whirlwind rummaging, as if someone were whipping through the drawers of my mind and dumping them all out at once.

My consciousness gave up abruptly at that point.

When I woke up who knows how long later, the statistical fish were still doing their mathematical manipulations in my mind's eye.

Nagini gave my cheek one long, lazy lick.

Ah, you're back. There was a definite impatience, fizzing and stirring.

Mmm. My sympathetic nervous system thanks you for not speaking aloud, my Lord.

Can't lose you again just yet. I found your little fish quote.

Mmmhmm? One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish?

Black fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish.

I felt my lips stretch into a fond smile. I loved Seuss. One of the statistical fish gained a jaunty top hat. Some are red and some are blue.

I felt an answering smile on the back of my head. Some are old and some are new.

Some are sad and some are glad.

Nagini tilted her head so our eyes were parallel. And some are very, very bad.

I blinked rapidly out of my Seuss-induced reverie. That was the first time I'd ever heard Nagini's thoughts articulated in human words. I tried to follow the thought trail that unfurled from that realization, but got waylaid by dancing statistical fish dressed as highwaymen.

Quirinus, said the honeyed voice that strung me up like a puppet, we are very, very bad fish.

Nagini and I were nodding in solemn synchrony, the luminous signature of being a wizard's familiar crackling beneath both our skins. Very, very bad indeed.