with Snapegirlkmf
The United Realms
Winter, 2019
Once the dust settled from uniting the realms a mass meeting was held to discuss one of the major issues facing the residents of what was now called The United Realms. Many of them bore the same names and many times it was difficult to distinguish one from the other.
"I don't mind being called Jiminy by anyone outside of my friends and family," Jiminy spoke up. "My colleagues in the medical profession sometimes call me AJ because that's how I sign my name to the correspondences I write."
"I can go back to using my original name. Jasper," the second David Molk offered. "And Beth can use Rose."
"There's no need for that. There are a lot of people with the same name in this realm," Regina argued. "I think we can tell who's who without everyone having to change names."
"May I make a suggestion?" Archie spoke up. All heads turned in his direction.
"What is it, dearie?" Weaver asked him.
"I was married in the Nonestican Ozian tradition and took Lilly's maiden name as part of mine, so my name is now Archie Strogoff-Hopper."
"And I have been using Mama's name in her honor for eight years." Rumple spoke up.
"So have we," added his son and daughter-in-law.
"Rumple isn't my biological father, but he was a second father to me…as he was to us all," Regina said, indicating her other selves. "Had the Fates decided differently he would've been my father."
"Jiminy's and my actual surname is Whitmore," David said. "But he was renamed Ozopov when he arrived in the OZ and he's been using that name for years. I added his cursed surname onto mine."
"I actually like the idea of the men adding our maiden names to theirs," spoke up Belle from the former Storybrooke Four. "In our case Rumple's name would be Rumplestiltskin Bordreaux-Gold."
Her husband smiled. "I like it, dearie."
"Mine would be Rumplestiltskin French-Gold," Rumple from the former Sixth Storybrooke said.
Daria stood up and addressed her children. "Dearies, I feel that our new name should be Laufeyson-Gold, or Laufeyson-Sparrow in Rhea's case. After all, we are all the descendants of Loki Laufeyson."
"Mama, I'd still like to keep the name MacNamara in honor of my adopted parents," Bobby spoke up.
"As well you should, son."
"But I will also use Laufeyson, Mama," he added.
Daria nodded in approval.
"What about those of us not married?" Meredith's father asked.
"Victor you are part of the House of Strogoff through Merri," Lilly reminded him. He nodded.
Little Regina's parents stood up. "What do we do about Regina? She is technically a Strogoff though she doesn't know it."
"We can tell her that Cora was a distant relative of hers until she's old enough to understand Snow," Rumple advised. "It's not really a lie, dearie. Most of us are related in one way or another, we just haven't gone far enough back in the family trees to trace it."
"Though I'm engaged would I be able to take Melanie's name?" Rumple from the former Storybrooke Two inquired. Melanie smiled.
"You can…IF you keep your word and marry her," Rumple French-Gold warned his counterpart.
"Oh, I intend to dearie."
"You better!"
"Settle down now or you'll be spendin the night in cells," Wyatt grumbled.
"Easy Tin Man," DG giggled.
"So it is agreed then? We'll be changing our names according to the families we were born into or married into?" Rumple asked the audience. "Those who vote yes, raise your hands."
Every hand in the hall rose in the air.
"I guess we have a deal!" Rumple slammed his gavel down on the table.
Regina, former Mayor of Storybrooke Four rose from her seat. "I would like to make another proposal."
"Go on, dearie."
"We held a festival every summer with rides, games and prizes. It was a way to bring all of us together. I think everyone would enjoy it."
"Like the firemen's festivals we had back in Pennsylvania!" Beth exclaimed. "It's a great idea!"
"And food fights at every party?" Bae French-Gold added. His father groaned and slapped his forehead.
Beth snickered.
"Why not? My adoptive mother said her family did it every Christmas."
"We could make a golf tournament part of it," Jiminy suggested.
"Remember when we pulled the Caddyshack on those snobs at Greenhaven?" Henry asked him. His father, Robin, Rumple's adopted stepson Diego and Angelo started laughing.
"No kidding? How come we've never heard THAT story?" Bae Laufeyson-Gold demanded of his counterpart.
"Remind me to tell you one of these days. We did a lot of crazy stuff…including the Baby Ruth in the pool!"
"And scared yer brother and sister half to death!" Rumple snapped. "Not to mention every other parent with wee ones!"
"Damn kids," Rumple-Bordreaux-Gold muttered. "And take those smirks off your faces," he warned the Scorpions. "I know you'd try it since you watch that stuff!"
"I for one want to see if someone can dethrone the Kings and Queens of the Kissing Booth," Jeff Hatter laughed. "Rumple and Archie and their wives have held the title back and forth between them for eight years now."
"I think we can give them a run for the money, can't we Sleeping Beauty?" David asked his wife with grin.
"Oh, I know we can my blue knight."
"Bring it on!" Archie Bordreaux-Hopper challenged. "You face me and Marie this year."
"Expect three of us challenging you because what I do, my brothers do! The Hopper-Molk boys are a united front!"
"Anyone willing to wager on it, come see me at the Grille!" Rumple smirked.
"Aaaannnd here we go!" Diego Rivera chuckled. "Get your wallets out, guys. The Rumfather's got a regular betting pool going at the bar. Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, you name it. He's even got a full casino in his man cave!"
"Jefferson Hatter don't you even THINK about it," his wife threatened.
"I'm not!" he protested.
"Anyone who wishes for us to hold an annual summer festival raise your hands? Motion passed!" Rumple Laufeyson-Gold slammed the gavel down.
There were other suggestions made that evening. Elsa from the former Storybrooke Four wanted to open a figure skating school once she learned that there were dozens of girls and boys in the Realm who expressed an interest in the sport. She had been an Olympic contender twice in her amateur career, once as a singles skater and second as a pair with her Outsider husband Marcus Colby.
The Realm itself had few problems but they were easily handled by the newly expanded Sheriff's department. The Emmas that had been the Sheriffs of their Storybrookes were more than happy to hand the reins of leadership over to Wyatt Cain since he'd been Sheriff of his own Storybrooke as well as a former police captain for the last eight years while some officers opted to retire from the force and work as private investigators for David Molk's firm, Movarro Investigations. They handled everything from cheating spouses to cold murder cases, including one of history's most famous mysteries, The Princes In The Tower. In David's first life he'd been a high ranking noble in the English court, serving under the kings Richard III, Henry VII and Henry VIII. He had his own theories on who killed the princes and he and his team presented them in a documentary that aired on the Realms' own public broadcast station later that spring.
Summer, 2018
Everyone in the realm was excited for the first United Realms Summer Festival. It had originally been a one-day event in Storybrooke Four but now it had been expanded into a weekend event with double the rides, games and contests. Some of the new events would be an archery tournament, a paintball tournament and a broom race.
"Ladies and Gentlemen!" Rumple Laufeyson-Gold announced over the loudspeaker. "Let the first Summer Festival of the United Realms begin!"
Bobby kissed Kelly Weaver's cheek. "I think that's our cue."
Bobby, Kelly, Stephen Connor, Edgar Navarro, Jiminy, Wyatt, Elmer and dozens of other former soldiers from wars marched onto the Yellow Brick road in full dress uniform with the Happy Army and Minions. Bobby, Kelly, Edgar and Stephen marched in front of the Happy Army and Minions carrying American Flags.
Jiminy, Elmer and Wyatt marched behind them bearing the Nonestican flag, green bands tied around the sleeves of their uniforms and those of the survivor in tribute to their lost land and the thousands that lost their lives.
As they passed, the David Molks stood up along with the former members of the SFPD and active members of the Sheriff's department. They wore black stripes over their badges in honor of officers killed in the line of duty.
Next came the floats. Because there were so many new residents it was decided that larger teams would be formed, and the float count reduced to twenty. No one minded, it gave them plenty of time for other activities. All the mages in the realm were wearing binding cuffs so that anything they created or any contests they won were done without magic, not that they needed it. Each one had his or her own unique set of talents.
"Oh I wish I could be in the dance contest," Lilly complained. "Your father and I would wipe the floor with the competition!"
Rumple chuckled. "Ye can after my sister's born, Mama but I warn you, some of the other couples are verra good."
Archie patted his wife's swollen belly gently. "You have a good excuse for sitting this one out honey."
"And don't be asking me to enchant you Lilly. It would be breaking the rules," Loki reminded her. He would be judging the Best Prank competition. The Scorpions would be competing against the Nevengers and the God of Mischief was looking forward to seeing how well the younger generations had paid attention to his lessons.
"I can't wait for the pie eating contest. Now if I were competing instead of judging they'd all be left in the dust!" Thor boasted.
"So says the bottomless pit," his brother teased.
Persephone laughed from her lawn chair. "If I were competing in the broom race everyone would eat MY dust!"
Rumple glanced over to where his Scots cousins were sitting, smirking. "I cannae wait to see how Belle and Marie fare against our Fie and Cattie in the Wicker contest. Fie can wallop the best of 'em even wi'out her Bruiser!"
Little Regina ran into the tent. "Merri, c'mon! The sack race is starting!"
"Okay!" Meredith grabbed her sack off the lawn chair she was sitting on. "You got yours, right?"
Little Regina held up the sack she'd decorated herself. It read: I'M NAUGHTY AND NAUGHTY NEVER FAILS with a picture of an apple with an evil smiley face. The girls joined hands and ran out into the field where the rest of the competitors were waiting, all of them Nevengers that were split into six teams. Only children from the ages five to ten would be allowed to participate.
"On your marks…get set…GO!" Charming shouted.
"Come on ye imps ye can do it!" Rumple cheered for his children.
"Act like you're trying to get away from dust bunnies!" Belle instructed and laughed. Hope and Nathan hopped faster.
"YAY, Go Jonny, go Ellie!" their parents hooted.
"Merri, lookit! We're close to the finish line!" Little Regina cried excitedly. The girls hopped faster, passing the leaders Neal Nolan and Adrianna Gold with Hope and Nathan Strogoff gaining on them until the Cain children hopped into the lead.
"Wyatt, they're gonna win!" DG cried. Her husband beamed with pride.
"Eat our dust," Little Regina taunted playfully when she and Meredith broke through the finish line tape. "Mommy, Mommy, lookit! We did it!"
"You certainly did!" Snow scooped her daughter up in her arms and hugged her. "You and Merri make a great team!"
"Uh-huh!"
"And the winners of the sack race are: Team Five with Team Six in second place, Team Four in third place. Great job kids! Everyone come up and get your prizes for being such good sports!"
"YAY!"
The Charmings backed away from the bins as a mob of excited children raced onto the stage to grab their snack bags and began trading treats.
"Will the parents of the Nevengers ages four and under please bring them to the Purple tent!"
Sigyn stood up with Astra in her arms. "Come on sweetie. It's time for your game."
"Bye bye Papa, I go find bottle now."
Loki grinned at her. "Go get 'em, princess!"
The littlest Nevengers would be participating in a crawling and bottle hunting race, their older teammates gathered inside the purple tent to cheer them on.
Belle Laufeyson-Gold knelt to address the young participants. "We have bottles hidden all over the tents and the ones that find the most bottles wins. Get ready….go!"
"Mama, I find one!" Little Daria waved a bottle in her hand.
"I find two!" Astra held up two bottles. The Belles began collecting the bottles in baskets with each child's name on it.
"It's a good thing we didn't have one of those contests when Loki and Thor were toddlers. It would have started a fight when Loki found his bottle first and Thor had a tantrum and beat him up."
"Yes, he was always beating me up for something," Loki lamented.
"The two of you were trouble from the time you could walk," Odin smirked.
"I was not!" Thor protested. He pointed at Loki. "HE was the one in trouble! I was an angel!"
"Yeah when you were sleeping, Brother!" Loki hooted.
"One…two free four…." AJ Dearly-Hopper counted while he searched.
"Oookie bottle Mama! Oookie bottle!" squealed DJ Molk.
The proud fathers were filming the event on their phones.
"Mama I find lots here!" Ilyssa pointed to a small pile of bottles.
"Ariel! I wanna keep Ariel bottle!" cried Aria Gold.
Astra crawled over to her father. "Papa, lookit...I find you in bottle! See!" She handed him a bottle with a drawing of her father on it.
"You are such a smart girl! Good job!" Loki praised.
"Huh! She's her daddy's daughter all right," Thor laughed.
Ian Gold swatted Thor's leg. "Hey you move...I see bottle!"
Rumple burst out laughing. "That's it, lad ye tell 'im to get outta t'way or ye'll run him over!"
"Rumple!" Belle scolded.
Astra frowned. "Say pwease! Nicely!"
"Mister Thor could ya please move so's I can get my bottle?"
"Gramma Frigga I see bottle by yous feet!" Dylan pointed.
"Yoohoo good going mates. Get 'em all!" Killian cheered.
Belle French blew a short whistle to signal the end of the contents. "Okay Mommies, bring your baskets over so we can count together."
"Mommy I don't fink I got lots," Little Gideon lamented.
"It looked like you did to me sweetie," Melanie reassured him. He smiled.
"Okay everyone count with us...one, two...three four..."
"Oh my...we have a four-way tie!" Aurora announced.
They set four baskets in the center of the table. "Astra Laufeyson, Rumple Hood, Miri Gold and DJ Molk!"
"Don't take much to find bottles. Dumb babies!" Sapphira snorted.
"Sapphira!" her soon-to-be stepfather snapped. "That will be enough out of you!"
Astra glared at her. "I'm NOT dumb, you big meanie!"
"Uh oh!" Thor smirked. "Them's fightin' words to a Laufeyson!"
"Hey, we not dumb we smart but you mean!" AJ Dearly Hopper wagged his finger at her.
"Yeah you what Papa calls an ole crabass!" Ian added.
"Ian James Strogoff-Gold ye watch that mouth or I'll be taking the Irish Spring t'ye!"
"And where do you think he gets it...hmmm?" Belle glowered at him.
"Crabass, crabass, crabass," DJ parroted.
"Rumple! Now see what you started," David complained. "David Andrew Molk Junior you stop saying that or no cookies later."
"No ookies?"
"No," his parents said firmly.
"Kiss my butt, ya blue butthead!" Miri cried.
"Miranda!" gasped her mother. "Where did you learn that?"
"Killy!" Miri replied.
"Killy say butthead farts blue," Aria giggled.
Sapphira clenched her fist. "Say that again, ya dumb baby!"
"Oy! You touch my baby sister an' I'll make ya walk the plank, ya scurvy dog!" Killian yelled.
"You touch my daughter I will make your ass so red you won't sit for a month!" Emma growled.
"Go Mom!" Henry cheered.
"Come along Sapphira." Melanie took her daughter's arm and escorted her out of the tent.
"Papa, don' want Fira to be me sister, she mean!" Gideon wailed.
"She's how Meredith used to be," Lilly whispered to her husband. He nodded in agreement.
"Loki, is there any way we can help her like you helped Meredith?" Adora asked.
Persephone frowned. "I'd hate to see her become what I was under my daughter's curse." She glanced over to where her youngest, Robin lay sleeping. "And I'd die before I let her curse my Robin."
"Melanie and I are not going to stop trying to banish the darkness with love."
"It won't be easy Rumple."
"I don't care. I won't fail."
Marie drew a line on the white plush carpet with lipstick. "Okay, is everyone ready to crawl to the red line."
"Uh-huh!"
The fathers moved everything out of the way for the children to crawl without fear of bumping into something and injuring themselves. "Go!"
"Come to Papa, princess!" Loki cheered at the finish line, holding out his arms.
"I comin' Daddy, I comin!" Aria crawled faster.
"This is so adorable," Selene crooned, pointing her phone at her husband, waiting to meet their son at the finish line along with the other fathers.
"Uh-oh...Papa...I got warrobe malfunkon!"
"Whoa, whoa time out, time out, naked baby!"
"Chip off the old block, isn't she Bae?" Rumple Laufeyson-Gold reminded his son when he picked up Ilyssa.
"Papa!" Bae snapped. "Not that old yarn again!"
"What yarn?" his wife queried, handing her husband a onesie.
The other parents were laughing so much they had tears in their eyes.
"Here he comes, look at that, look at that
There he goes, look at that, look at that
And he ain't wearin' no clothes
Oh yes, they call him the Streak…" Killian sang.
Thor was laughing loudly until Frigga nudged Odin and said, "Remember the Bubble Incident, dear?"
"Mother!" Thor almost choked to death.
"The whole palace still remembers that!" Odin chuckled.
Lilly smirked. "Oh, I remember that story!"
After Ilyssa was dressed the race resumed and Bobby Bordeaux-Gold crawled across the finish line and into his father's outstretched arms victorious.
"It's the shapeshifter in him," his mother declared proudly.
"I tired now," he murmured and dozed off.
"I think all our little Nevengers are ready for a nap." The other parents nodded in agreement and started bringing in their childrens' favorite blankets, pillows and stuffed toys.
Belle French and Mulan offered to sit with the sleeping toddlers while their parents went outside to watch or participate in the next series of events. The first was the pie eating contest.
Belle French and Mulan offered to sit with the sleeping toddlers while their parents went outside to watch or participate in the next series of events. The first was the pie eating contest.
Six tables were set up and the participants would be feasting on apple, cherry and blueberry pies made at Granny's Diner. A large throne was carried out onto the lawn and Thor sat down, a can of beer in his hand. Loki rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Okay boys on the count of three…one…two…three…DIG IN!" the god yelled.
"I got apple up my nose!" Rogers whined.
"Oh shut yer trap and eat, rookie!" Weaver yelled.
"Oh my God….look at Robin's hair!" Kelly nudged her sister Roni and giggled. His hair was covered in cherry glaze and pie crust.
"Awww man…who farted…I'm gonna barf!" Jeff Hatter groaned.
"Eat Hatter and barf later!" his wife commanded.
Modi ignored all the other contestants griping and just ate, devouring pie after pie as it was put in front of him.
"Hey, we need more pies out here!" Friar Tuck yelled.
"Oh, hold your horses they're coming!" Ruby snapped. "Granny…where did all the pies go? The guys haven't been eating that much!"
"I have no idea!" She looked around and saw a large pile of empty pie pans behind the tent.
"Modi! Come on boy! Do me proud!"
"That boy's an eating machine!" Loki muttered. "Damn near eats me out of house and home!"
Jimmy was trying desperately to keep up with them, but his stomach was not cooperating.
"Eat, eat EAT!" chanted the Scorpions not participating.
"Granny, we only have three pies left! What the heck is going on?"
"Omm nomm nomm nomm!"
The competitors froze.
"Everybody hold it!" Thor commanded and rose from his throne. He crept behind Granny's tent, blinking his eyes several times. "Ummm...excuse me? Anybody missing a Cookie Monster baby?"
"DJ!" Beth and David exclaimed.
"Me eat pies!" DJ clapped his furry hands together. "Me eat em all up Mama!"
Thor picked him up and carried him over to his throne, "Okay kid you sit here while I count."
"So who won?"
"My money's on the kid!"
Thor put his hands on his hips and scowled at the older men and teenagers. "Shame on you! You got your asses kicked by a baby!"
"I think he's distantly related to us, Dad!" Modi protested. "You know you were always going down to Midgard before you married Mom."
"You ever see me shift into a Sesame Street character? No way!"
"Me tummy hurt..." DJ wailed.
"Oh, DJ how many times do we have to tell you not to eat so much," Beth moaned. "And how did you sneak past Belle and Mulan?"
"Me hungry."
"That's an understatement," Loki chuckled. He snapped his fingers and a bottle with a potion appeared in his hands. "Here, this ought to help."
"Well...our first place pie eater was my son, Modi. In second place Friar Tuck and the winner is...DJ Molk...also known as Cookie Monster!"
"Thank you, Loki." David grabbed a bottle out of the diaper bag and poured some of the potion into it. "DJ this will stop your tummy from hurting, okay?"
"Me tired now Dada."
Thor conjured a little crown and placed it on his head. "You earned it kid."
Belle and Marie Bordreaux picked up their brooms. "Now it's time to show everyone who are the Wicker queens!" Belle boasted.
"Go get 'em Mama!" her eldest son cheered.
"All right the contestants for the Wicker Wars get your brooms and get ready to start smackin!" Charming announced.
Fiona and Catriona McDermott were waiting for them when they arrived.
"All right lassies, don't be thinkin 'cause I'm auld I cannae wallop with the best of ye!" Fiona waved her broom at the sisters.
Four mannequins were set up on the lawn. "Ladies, the rules are simple. The team that gets the most smacks in in two minutes is the winner! On your marks….get set…BEAT!"
"Belle! Marie! Pretend they're Charming!" the fourth Snow White giggled. Her husband glared at her.
"Not funny Snow!"
"Well you did get your ass blistered by them twice!"
"Pretend they're Jeff and Robin after they screwed up our Christmas decorations!" Archie Bordreaux-Hopper instructed his wife.
"Fie, Cattie, remember when ye walloped the daylights out of everyone who made my house into a frat house!" Rumple called out to his cousins.
"Who do we want to give the beast beatdown…the Bordreaux! When do we want it? Now!" the original Scorpions cheered.
"Mum! Grammie, ye gonna let a bunch of fairy tale lasses shame the MacTavish? Give 'em royal hell!" Catriona's daughter Channon yelled.
"Wow this is gonna be really close! That old lady's good!" Jeff Hatter mumbled.
"I'd wear my arm out," Rumple Laufeyson-Gold giggled.
"Gosh I'd hate to be on the receiving end of an ass beating from that old broad," Bae Weaver mumbled.
"Well I was and I'm telling ya, it hurt like HELL!" Bae groaned. "When she says you can't sit for a week, she means it."
"Whoa! She smacked the dummy right in the nuts!" Killian laughed.
"They're lucky I'm not competing," Sigyn grinned.
"You can say that again!" Loki giggled. "Right, Thor?"
Thor scowled. "Shut up, Loki! You need to control your wife!"
"Excuse me?" Sigyn frowned. "How was I supposed to know my brother-in-law was climbing into my house at two in the morning?"
"I was trying to not wake you and Astra! The door was locked."
"And you were drunk" Loki taunted.
"Get a dose of the ugly stick, mate?" Rogers chuckled.
"And how! He not only looked like a horror, he felt like one." Loki answered.
"So were you drunk when you were at the club with Snow, Emma and me," Regina taunted Loki. "Still the finest ass in Vegas, right girls?"
Mother and daughter nodded in agreement.
"Speaking of that Loki, how DID you end up in a club featuring male strippers?" DG inquired silkily.
Daria spit out her soda. "Grandfather!"
Thor smirked. "I know how."
"I don't know if I want to," Sigyn groaned. "But then mortal women have always passed out at my husband's feet. Not that I blame them."
"Loki and I decided to check out Vegas for a few days, but we got a little drunk...and he gave me the slip. Next thing I know there's a near riot at a strip club and a mob of women chasing after our Speedo clad Trickster here."
"We wanted to see what was under it," Emma giggled. "Did you see all the money in it, Thor?"
"When was this?" Rhea demanded, laughing.
"It was about when...2013 or '14 Snow?"
"2013 Regina," Emma replied. "Bae and I got married six months later."
"Yeah...you, me, Bae, and Channon had a double wedding," added Diego Rivera.
Sigyn eyed Loki. "Perhaps we should reenact it?"
"For your eyes only."
"YES!" Emma, Snow and Regina shouted.
"Dammit," Regina grumbled at Loki's reply.
"Ladies and gentlemen, it was a close match but the winners of the Wicker Wars are...Belle and Marie Bordreaux for their eighth straight title!"
"We'll need to up our game Mum," Cattie said to her mother.
"Will all the participants for the cook off please go to the food tent for the announcements of the winners!"
"HOPPER'S HOTTER 'N HELL RULES!" yelled young Bae Bordreaux-Gold and his cousin Gisella.
"No one has been able to beat our Archie at the cook off. No one," Penelope Bordreaux informed the others.
Alina smirked. "That's because you haven't tasted my father's cooking yet...or Alice's. They'll give him a run for his money!"
"Well my Papa wins the bake off every year!" Adriana boasted.
The Grannies were the judges. The former Storybrooke Four's Granny took the microphone and addressed the crowd. "This was a tough one to call ladies and gentleman since we have twice the amount of entries than we've had in previous years."
"There goes my title as Chili King," Archie-Bordreaux-Hopper joked.
"Our first place entries were from Rumplestiltskin Laufeyson-Gold and Alice Carstairs!"
"YEA!" Henry, Grace and Alina shouted.
"Our second place entry was from Archie-Bordreaux-Hopper."
"Well honey, you're still in the top three," his wife reassured him.
"Our third place entry was from Zelena Strogoff-Sabitini!"
"Congratulations to all the contestants...and now we will announce the winners of the bakeoff!"
"He gets that from me," Loki declared proudly.
"Yes, we should have made you the God of Cooking and Mischief," Frigga laughed. "Especially since you trained all our palace chefs."
"I hope Papa's cake wins again," Adriana said.
"I dunno Driana, we got lots more good bakers this year," Neal mumbled.
"As with our cookoff, this one was also a tough one to call," Storybrooke Four's Ruby announced. "In first place for the eighth time we have Rumplestiltskin Bordreaux-Gold!"
"Yay, Papa!" his daughters squealed.
"In second place we have Mattie Harrington!"
Beth hugged her adoptive mother.
"In third place we have...Lilliana Strogoff-Hopper!"
"I may be pregnant, but I can still make a mean cheesecake," she grinned.
"And where'd you learn that from, hmm?" Loki teased, arching an eyebrow.
"Me," Adora spoke up.
"You spoiled him and Jeb, Adora," DG complained. "The last time I tried to make your cheesecake they spent all day in the bathroom."
"Ummm Dottie, that's because you added too much of something. I have no idea what!" Wyatt exclaimed.
"No Adora, Loki taught me how to make it," Lilly corrected. She smiled at the memory. "I made an unholy mess in the kitchens the first time I tried it, but he was so patient with me."
"Your father was horrified," Loki smirked. "I can still recall the look on his face."
He shifted his face into the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz. "Lilliana! Princesses don't bake cakes!"
"I said I don't want to be a princess, I want to be a baker!"
"I nearly had to pick him up off the floor!" Loki laughed, shifting back. "He wanted to know what I was teaching you. And I told him how to make her husband happy. Because every lady should know how to cook one thing well."
"Oh, she makes me happy with more than just her cooking," Archie murmured.
"Dinna be going into details...Dad!" Rumple groaned.
"Yeah we know how well she makes you happy since you got her pregnant before the wedding!" Whale teased.
If looks could kill the doctor would've been dead on the spot.
"Scorpions and Nevengers, it's time for the Prank Wars. Would our judge please report to the Maroon tent!"
Sigyn laughed. "Those kids are gonna have to step up their game if they want to impress the God of Mischief!"
"I told Meredith to pull the handkerchief trick. Loki will love that!" Lilly whispered into her husband's ear.
"They have to pull the pranks on him?"
"Yes."
Archie whistled. "That's gonna be a tough sell."
"…All right my young tricksters, I am going to bend the rules a bit and allow both teams to use magic. Each time will have six chances to prank me. Do me proud, darlings!"
Both teams were given fifteen minutes in soundproof domes to discuss their strategies. When time was up, Loki blew a whistle and released the spell. "My littlest tricksters, you're up first!"
"Go for it Driana!" Adriana's teammates cheered. She stepped forward holding one of her father's cakes in her hands. "Here Mister Loki! We made you a cake!"
"Smells delicious!" he praised and took a bite. There was a flash of light and a purple creature with wings, one eye and a horn sat on the chair.
"It was a one eyed, one horned flyin purple people eater!" the Nevengers sang and hi-fived each other.
"Good one!" Loki laughed and shifted back. "Scorpions….you're next."
Henry stepped forward holding a cologne bottle. "This'll make Sigyn go crazy for ya!"
The others snickered behind their hands.
"We'll see, now won't we?"
He sprayed some on and a flock of hens flew into the tent.
"Be our rooster, be our rooster!" they squawked.
"Nice!" Modi hi-fived him.
"There's some serious eggs gonna be laid by those hens!" Andi giggled.
"Someone's been reading my How To Prank Your Brother book!" Loki grinned.
Meredith now approached him holding a handkerchief. "You gotta wipe off all that hen poop now."
"Thank you, Meri," Loki said, and took the handkerchief and wiped his face with it.
"Oh my God...that is awesome! Mister Loki, you better look in the mirror!" Jonny laughed.
His face was covered with warts.
"Ooooh somebody's been kissing frogs! I'm telling!" Ellie taunted.
Loki stuck his tongue out at her. "I was the Frog prince, little scamp!" Then he put a finger to his lips. "Now don't tell anyone!"
"I already saw!" Lilly chuckled.
He took another handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his face again, and it was back to normal. "Your grandma teach you that one, darling?"
"Yep!"
"I thought so! Because I played that on her. And several other people!" he giggled wickedly, recalling how he made the pompous court ladies scream with that trick. Until Frigga made him stop.
Now it was Modi's turn and he knew just the prank to pull. He discreetly gestured to the arms and legs of the chair.
"Well...?" the others demanded impatiently
"Wait for it..."
"Scorpions, you're up again...what the...?" A set of a shackles bound his arms and legs to the chair.
"Try and get outta that one, uncle!"
"Oooh oooh who is this handsome man in my lap! Gimme a kiss sweetie!" the chair purred.
Everyone was laughing when it started making kissing sounds.
"He can't get up! He can't get up!" the Nevengers tittered.
"Loki! Are you molesting the furniture again?" Thor came in and started waving a finger and laughing.
"Bite your tongue, Thor!" his brother chuckled. "Now I know where your son gets it!"
"My turn!" Hope cried.
"Get him good Hope!"
Loki teleported out of the shackles. "Good one, nephew!"
Hope tapped her small foot three times. "Well Mister Loki, you ready for me, dearie? I'm waaaitiingggg..." she sang.
Her brother Nathan covered his mouth with his hand to conceal his smirk.
"Bring it, imp!"
"I just did!"
Now all he had to do was open his mouth again.
Loki opened his mouth to speak and suddenly...riiiiiippppp.
"Oh man! Who cut one?" Becky moaned, pulling her shirt up over her nose.
"Help! I need a gas mask!" Bae coughed and mimed falling over.
Loki opened his mouth again. "Buuuuurrp!"
"Keep talkin Mister Smart Guy," Hope taunted. "Cause every time you do, you're gonna cut cheese or you're gonna burp!"
She gave her father a thumbs up.
Loki wriggled his fingers and cancelled the spell. "Very clever, Hope!"
"Thanks! My daddy taught me that one!"
"I figured as much!" Loki winked at her.
"Scorpions, you're up," Loki said, looking at them.
"What kind of music do you like, Mr. Loki?" Alina asked conversationally.
"Rock and roll, a little pop, this and that," Loki answered.
"Then maybe you'll like this," Alina said then clapped him on the back setting her spell in motion.
Suddenly the god because to sing-or wail rather, like a humpback whale.
"Alright, Alina!" the girls hi-fived her.
Arooonnn! Errrrrnnnn!
Everyone burst out laughing.
"What's he tryin to sing, Jonny?" the Nevengers asked their resident Dr. Doolittle, John Wayne Hopper.
"Ummm...hold on a minute...translatin...yep. He's singin Jump by Van Halen!"
"Cool!" Killian exclaimed.
It was now the Nevengers turn for their fourth prank. Little Regina approached the chair, her hands tucked behind her back, shuffling her feet nervously.
"Go on Gina...you can do it!" her teammates encouraged.
"Mister Loki...I gots to tell you sumpin."
"I'm listening," the god replied, his eyes twinkling.
"You gotta lean down so's I can whisper it."
"This is gonna be good," Alina whispered to her nephew. Henry nodded in agreement.
"Okay, darling. Tell me," Loki said, doing as she asked.
She flicked her wrist and the roof of the tent was torn off by an animated tree.
"YOU'RE GONNA GET A BIIIIG WEDGIE!" she shrilled.
One of the branches reached inside the tent and lifted the god out of his chair by his underwear.
'YEAH, SHE HUNG 'IM IN THE TREE BY HIS UNDIES!" Storybrooke Four's Roland cheered.
"Hey, didn't big Regina do that to your dad?" Henry laughed.
"Yep," Roland smirked.
"I told ya you could do it!" Meredith hugged her friend.
"Now why didn't we do that Bae?" Andi demanded of her boyfriend. He shrugged.
"Look!" Killian hooted. "He has snake undies!"
"No way! Lemme see!"
"Hey Mister Loki, crack kills!" Jasper Molk laughed and pointed.
"I see London, I see France I see Mister Loki's underpants!" the Nevengers sang.
The god shook his head and blinked down from the tree.
The pressure was on Miri now that it was her turn to perform her prank for the Scorpions.
Each team now had only two pranks left to go and their side needed to pull out all the stops to top the tree wedgie.
"Now what have you got in store for me, darling?"
Miri grinned as her father was now wearing a hula skirt and started dancing to Rupaul's Supermodel.
"Work
Turn to the left
Work
Now turn to the right
Work
Sashay, shantay
It don't matter what you wear
It doesn't matter what you wear
They're checking out your savior faire
And it don't matter what you do
'Cause everything looks good on you
Supermodel.."
"Wooo Hooo! Mom, Regina, check it out!" Emma Strogoff hooted. "Shake it baby, shake it!"
The Scorpions were doubled over laughing when Loki turned his back to the crowd and started shaking his rear while many of the women were trying to stuff dollars bills into his skirt…or take a peek at what was under it. Loki quickly released the spell before a riot broke out and chuckled.
"Someone's been talking to the Strogoff women!"
"You bet she has!" Emma cackled. "Next time you're wearing the Speedo, buddy!"
Her husband facepalmed himself. "I'm STILL hearing about it after all these years. Sheesh!"
"It's your turn Amber," Loki informed one of the eldest of the Nevengers. She opened her hand and blew a cloud of pink dust into the god's face then stepped back to admire her handiwork.
"What'd you do?" Henry Strogoff asked her.
Before their eyes the god began to talk and act like Elvis Prestley.
"Ambrosia Azkadellia Ozopov Hopper, were you sneaking a peek at our potion books again?" Jiminy demanded of his daughter and started laughing.
"Yep," she declared proudly.
"Loki's funnier on the vapors than the Mystic Man was," Ambrose remarked. "I didn't know you knew how to make them, Jiminy."
"I don't make them. Dellia and I needed the recipe to figure out how to detox someone from them."
"Come 'ere darlin and let me give you some hunka hunka burnin love," Loki purred at Az. She giggled.
"I'll take some!" Granny yelled.
"Oh boy….there's gonna be another riot!" David groaned.
"Oh, relax. Clever one, darling! And Jiminy….hide that potion book better!" Loki chastised the former cricket. "All right Henry Laufeyson….hit me with your best shot!"
"Gladly!" the young sorcerer snickered and ran his hands through his own hair.
"Well?"
"You might wanna take another look in a mirror, Brother!" Thor exclaimed. His long, jet black locks had been transformed into a green afro. Next they changed into a pink pompadour, yellow and green rastas, a striped shag and a blue twirl.
"The afro was the best!" Alina hi-fived him.
"Good one Henry! All right Nevengers, it's your turn."
A nervous Cami Molk stepped forward.
"Mister Loki I'm a frost mage like Elsa an since you're a frost mage too my stuff's not gonna work on you real good."
He knelt down and smiled at her. "You can do it, little one. Just try."
"Okay…." She rubbed her hands together and blew into them. A cloud of blue smoke surrounded the god and when it cleared, he was dressed as Elsa from the movie Frozen complete with white blond hair and began sing and act out the "Let It Go' scene from the movie.
"Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway!" he sang and winked at her.
"Yeah! Way to go Cami!" the Nevengers exclaimed.
Loki released the spell and returned to his chair. "You did such a great job that you're all winners!" he declared and conjured them all little trophies.
The final event of the day was the United Realms Broom 500. The contestants were required to fly around the realm and the first one to the finish line would win.
"Show 'em how it's done Elmira," the Storybrooke Four team cheered on their resident wicked witch, Elmira Gulch.
"Leave her in the dust, Zee!" Zelena Strogoff Sabitini's family encouraged.
"I was flying before you were even a thought in your parents heads, my pretty!" Elmira taunted the younger witch.
"Portalo sulla strega!" Zelena retorted.
"All right my pretties, get on your brooms and fly!" Persephone yelled over the loudspeaker.
The audience was able to watch the race on a large screen with various obstacles for them to fly through including a flock of her mobat demons, DG and Wyatt Cain and two Maleficents in their dragon forms, enchanted trees throwing apple bombs, storms and thick patches of fog. An hour later Elmira Gulch flew through the finish line with an exhausted Zelena just ten minutes behind.
"Not bad for an old witch, eh?" Elmira demanded of her competitor.
"Si," Zelena murmured and shook her hand. "You have got to teach me your tricks for dodging that fog!"
"Happy to!"
"Get plenty of rest tonight dearies because the party starts again tomorrow at nine!" Rumple announced while the guests started walking back to their tents. Everyone would be camping out on the fairgrounds The Belles were having an evening story time for the younger children before bed and bathtime, the Grannies would be cooking dinner and the Rumples the dessert.
At the Storybrooke Four camp Maurice Bordreaux made an unsettling observation.
"Has anyone noticed that there are only two of me here?"
The others nodded.
Belle Weaver was walking past their camp back to her own when she overheard the conversation.
"Two of our fathers are dead," she confessed sadly. "Mine and Belle Strogoff's. Mine was murdered when the Home Office invaded our realm." Her eyes narrowed to slits. "They smuggled aircrafts armed with ballistic missiles in and bombed everything. Those of us who are here now were lucky to escape. Belle's father is in Ephesis. She doesn't like to talk about it…and Belle Laufeyson's father wants nothing to do with her so he may as well be dead."
Maurice stood up and embraced her. "I'm so sorry Missus Weaver."
"Oh, it's all right," she sniffled. "But thank you for your kindness."
"I know what you're thinking Papa and I approve," his own Belle spoke up.
"So do I," added Marie.
"Can you do it Rumple?" he asked his son-in-law.
"Daria Laufeyson and Lilly Strogoff seem to have 'adopted' me and the other Rumples so yes another magical adoption can be done. It won't bring Belle Weaver's father back, but it will help her in her grief."
When Rumple returned to his own camp Belle was getting ready to put their youngest children to bed.
"It's been a great day," she murmured and kissed him. He knelt down and kissed his sleeping childrens' foreheads. "But you better get some rest yourself because I know what you've been doing at the borders."
"I'm taking no chances sweetheart. We can't have another Enchanted Forest Three or Nonestica on our hands. Isaac's still trying to find out who the Home Office's government contact is. There's no way they could've gotten hold of those weapons without raising red flags in Washington. If they try a missile strike here our wards are going to send it right back in their faces." He crawled into their cot and closed his eyes.
"Eye of Aramon, I compel thee
Show me what I need to see!" he murmured.
Belle lay beside him and opened a book knowing it was dangerous to disturb him while he was using his Sight. A few minutes later he emerged more relaxed. "They're falling all over themselves trying to find us."
"Good! I hope they keep tripping over their own two feet until they give up!"
"They'll lie low for a while sweetheart but they willna give up just yet."
"Well we'll be more than ready for them when they come."
But that would be a long time coming. Until then they could all relax and enjoy themselves.
Everyone was awake early the following morning and eager to continue the festivities. The first events of the day were the pet contests. Pongo and Major from Storybrooke Four faced tough competition from the dogs of the other Storybrookes and surrendered the title to the Laufeysons' Freya and Little Regina's Princess.
Soon all eyes were on the kissing booths taking bets as to whether Archie and Marie would be able to defend the Bordreaux Gold-Hopper title as best kissers against the Hopper-Molk twins as Jiminy and David Molk called themselves.
"Pretend we're back at the Northern Island and you're sculpting me like one of those French girls," Jiminy whispered to his wife.
"Valentine's Day, the first year we were married….the beach…the fairy lights," David murmured.
"The drive-in, Marie," Archie coached.
"CRICKETGODDESS RULES!" the original Scorpions hooted.
"KNIGHTBEAUTY, KNIGHTBEAUTY!" chanted the Molks' children.
"CRICKETSORCERESS, CRICKETSORCERESS!" chanted Amber and Andy Ozopov.
"Whew….it got hotter out here, didn't it?" the former mayor of Storybrooke Four asked, fanning herself. "I have to tell you, this was the closest voting I've ever seen in the eight years we'd had this contest but by two votes only the winners are…David and Beth Molk!"
"Way to go, Molky!" his former SFPD colleagues hooted. The former champions hugged the couple.
Next was the Merry archery contest where the six Merry Men teams would be competing against each other. It was also a fierce competition until the final shooter for Hyperion Heights, young Robin Weaver-Rogers stepped up and took aim.
"Come honey! You can do it!" Her wife Alice cheered.
"And the winners are…Team Three…Hyperion Heights!"
"Good job Robin!" Bobby hugged his future step-daughter.
"Thank you, Bobby!"
Little John hoisted the young woman up onto his shoulders and carried her back to their tent to celebrate.
"All right officers and soldiers, grab your paint ball guns and get ready for the paintball shootout!"
The course, designed by Bobby MacNamara and Bobby Carlyle, contained obstacles every police officer and soldier would face in the line of duty and the team that avoided the most shots would win. To keep things fair, each team had equal numbers of former soldiers and police officers, the crowd able to watch the event on the big screen.
"Well," Bobby Carlyle laughed when they came out of the course covered in paint. "one helluva battle in there, wasn't it?"
"Who won?" Bae Weaver wanted to know.
"By one shot the winners were Teams One and Six, in second place we had Three and Five and in third place Two and Four."
Later that afternoon people began taking turns exploring the adventure rooms the Storybrooke Four people took an interest in after visiting them in Greece and Italy.
The festival closed that night with fireworks being provided by the many mages in the realm as well as singing and dancing with the Rumple, Archie, Granny and David Molk counterparts taking their turns on the mike with most of their significant others joining in. It had been a wonderful weekend and the perfect way to relax after what had been a stressful start to the year.
Lilly was dozing on the gazebo in the garden one afternoon when she heard her phone ring. She sat up, rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and unlocked it.
"Hello?"
"Lilly, honey….can you see if Az or one of the other Archie wives can bring you to Portland?" Archie asked nervously.
"Why?"
"I ahhh….I'm…ahh….I'm in jail."
"What? What do you mean you're in jail? What did you do?"
"We broke into a lab."
"What! What for?"
"The place has been taking animals from the humane society and using them as test subjects on their cosmetic line! Jiminy tried to get them shut down months ago, but they paid someone off to get the charges dropped."
"So you broke in and did what?"
"Released all the animals and smuggled them back to the realm. They're in bad shape honey….the vets are doing what they can."
He didn't tell her that they were also charged with vandalism to the company officers' vehicles. He took great pleasure in cutting up the leather seats of the CEO's Jaguar with his umbrella tip.
"Your son is going to give you hell for this, you know that."
"He already yelled my ear off."
Lilly could hear an engine backfiring and turned to see Jiminy's bus approaching the gazebo. "There's Az now. Now you behave until I get there!"
"I will. I love you."
"I love you too."
"I don't have to ask if you heard," Az giggled, leaning across the seat and opening the passenger door.
"No but how can you be so calm."
"I'm used to it."
They drove into town to pick up the other Archie wives. Marie was laughing.
"This is almost like what my son did at the mall four years ago! He and Adriana released the pets in the store they nearly wrecked the place. Their hearts were in the right place though."
"I think the charges are going to get dropped once your Rumple goes in there and shows them all the evidence Movarro dug up on the place. Pay offs, a laundry list of animal cruelty counts, not to mention what they dug up on their personal lives," Selene added.
"So what do we do when we get them home?" Tracy wondered.
"We make them dinner, give them TLC and tell them don't be stupid enough to get caught the next time." Az advised when she pulled into the parking lot at the police station. Their husbands were sitting in one of the interview rooms with a very annoyed Rumple, Rumple Laufeyson and Rumple Bordreaux.
"You lot are lucky we were able to get the charges dropped," Laufeyson scolded.
"Yes…Dad," Rumple frowned at his stepfather. "I dinna want the da of my wee sister sittin in jail when she's born."
"How many times do I have to tell you to stop being stupid enough to get caught…Commander!" Az shook her finger at her husband. "Now I have to sell double the amount of artwork to replace what I took out of the bail fund!"
"You, Archibald Hopper have a date with the couch tonight and this time I'm not coming downstairs with you," Marie said firmly.
"Yes you will," her husband taunted. "You always do."
"There's a first time for everything!" she snorted.
"Well we did what we came to do," Isaac boasted. "The place is getting shut down." The others smirked.
"Oh knock it off and come on!" David rolled his eyes. "Another one for the mile-long rap sheet brother and now you're a bad influence on the others!"
"What do they say about twins again?"
"Oh, hit the bricks!"
"Come on Dad," Rumple giggled. "Before Mama decides to lock YE outta the bedroom."
"Octo mom kids," one of the officers explained when they were walking out of the police station, the other cops wondering if they needed glasses seeing so many doubles.
"Maybe we should've used a glamour," Selene giggled when she climbed into the back of Jiminy's bus. "They're all gonna go blind now!"
"Keeps 'em on their toes, dearies!" Bobby Weaver joked.
Lilly went into labor three weeks before Thanksgiving and there had been a heated debate between her, Rumple and Archie whether she should give birth at the hospital or at Finaqua. She wanted to give birth at home.
"Out of the question! This isn't the middle ages, Lilly. I want you in a hospital where I know you'll be taken care of!"
"I gave birth to Rumple without any help! I delivered Cassie at home."
"And barely survived both! No. You are going to the hospital and that's my final word on it."
"Oh, is it? Rumple…"
"I'm gonna hae to agree with Dad on this one, Mama. Ye're going to the hospital. Come along and dinna be stubborn."
She glared at them until another contraction hit her full force.
"End of discussion. Rumple, warm up the car. Come on, honey."
Lilly groaned and leaned on her husband for support while Rumple sped up to the front entrance in his Caddy. "I've already called Belle. She's gonna go pick up Meri."
"Good, good," Lilly whimpered and climbed into the backseat. Rumple threw the car in gear and sped down the road to town. Moments later a squad car came into the lane behind him, lights flashing.
"Pull over!" Rogers yelled over the radio.
"I'm taking my mother to the hospital, ye arse!" Rumple yelled back.
"That's the oldest excuse in the book!"
"Ooooh tell him to SHUT THAT THING UP!" Lilly shouted from the backseat, clinging to Archie.
"Breathe, honey, breathe…"
"Oh stop it! I've done this before…Lokiiiiii when is that spell gonna start!"
"Rogers, sod off! I've got this!" they heard Weaver bark as his Mustang pulled up beside the Caddy. "Keep driving, I'll clear the road!"
"Thanks dearie!" Rumple smiled at his counterpart.
Lilly started laughing in the backseat. "Sooo much better!"
Rumple Laufeyson-Gold was watering his plants when the cars sped past his Victorian. He dropped his pail and limped into the house.
"Belle! Get your coat! Lilly's going to the hospital!"
"I'm coming!" she called back.
Some of the Nevengers were playing in Killian Gold's backyard when they heard police sirens.
"Something's goin down, mates! Let's check it out!"
They hopped onto the picnic table and peered over the fence to see Rumple's car speeding down the street with Weaver's Mustang in front and Rogers behind him.
"HEY MOM! DAD! Better tell Grampa Miss Lilly's gonna have the baby now!" he yelled.
"Your grampa's gonna meet us there," his mother said.
Persephone was outside with some of the members of her peddling class when the cars drove by. "Okay pretties, same time next week. I have to fly!"
She summoned her broom and tossed a travel storm token, opening a portal to Paradise. "Alex! Glinda! Your grandchild is coming! Hop on, quick!"
"I am not going on that!" The Mystic Man crossed his arms over his chest.
"You'll go and like it!" Glinda snapped and grabbed his arm. Persephone tossed them a set of helmets. They had just gotten them on when she flew back through the portal.
"You scared Merri?" Little Regina asked her friend while they sat in the waiting room of The United Realms Hospital's maternity ward. The elder girl smiled.
"Nope. Daddy's gonna make sure Gramma's okay."
"Y'know the new baby's gonna be your aunt."
"Uh-huh. I know. It's kinda weird but hey, Henry's got an aunt his age, right?"
"Yeah."
Loki looked up from the book he was reading. "What are you gossiping about over there, darlings?"
"My aunt," Meredith replied. "Uncle Loki, why's it taking so long?"
"Babies always take a long time to be born, Merri."
"Mommy said having a baby feels like takin your bottom lip an pulling it over your head."
"Gina, that's gross!" Meredith winced.
"It's what she said."
Loki chuckled. Not anymore darlings, he thought.
"At least Archie isn't delivering the baby. Now if I were…" Bae Laufeyson-Gold quipped, earning a swat from his wife. His father rolled his eyes and shook his head. His son considered himself an expert on child birthing after he'd been forced to help deliver his twin brother and sister in an emergency.
"What? I helped deliver Daria and Dylan."
"And now you think you're an expert. Leave it to the professionals, son." He glanced over to where an anxious Rumple stood with Belle. "Rumple, sit down dearie before your leg gives out."
"I'll be fine," Rumple murmured.
"You've drained yourself warding Lilly's room, haven't you?"
"I'm taking no chances. Not after what that witch did to…" he cast his eyes in his niece's direction.
"The expert here PASSED OUT before Ilyssa was born," Emma Laufeyson-Gold said smugly. Her husband looked like he wanted to crawl in a hole.
Emma Hatter snickered.
"So did mine…and I whooped his ass with a broom!"
"You go girl!"
Now Jeff Hatter wanted to take his hat and portal out.
"My Bae wasn't allowed in the delivery room when I was having Lillybelle," Emma said.
"Why not?" her counterparts asked.
"Because he was annoying the hell outta me," she replied.
"Liar! You wouldn't let me in the delivery room because you thought I was gonna pass out. Well I didn't, did I?"
The Bordreaux sisters burst into laughter.
"What?"
"Oh you haven't seen anything until you've seen a husband high on Stadoll," Belle Bordreaux-Gold giggled.
"And Archie with AJ and Maureen!" her sister Marie chuckled.
"What did they do? Tell!" Zelena demanded.
"Rumple...Rumple was singing Love Shack while I gave birth to Adriana and he and Archie were singing Chicago songs when we were having the twins and triplets."
"Archie…I mean…Jiminy made up his own version of 'White Rabbit, got on the hospital intercom and started singing it to all the women in the maternity ward. We were all laughing…until hospital security broke down the door and hauled him off," Az laughed. "How did it go, honey?"
"One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
But the ones your doctor gives you don't do anything at all
Don't ask Alice, cause she don't know," he sang.
David shook his head. "That rap sheet of yours just keeps getting longer."
"Uncle Loki, were you 'llowed in the room when Astra was born?" Little Regina inquired.
"Prolly not," Little Robin spoke up. "He's one a those older gods that live in the med evil period an they don't let guys in the room...that's what papa says."
His older counterpart started laughing.
"What?"
"It's medieval, Robbie."
"I'll call it what I wanna, so there!" he huffed.
"Well, not at first, darling. You see, some of the Healers in Asgard believe its bad luck for a husband to be in the delivery room. Silly superstitious nonsense! But they locked me out even though your Aunt Sigyn wanted me to stay. I almost paced a hole in the floor before I finally decided to break the door down so I could be where I wanted-with my wife."
"And did she curse you out in every language?" Rumple wanted to know.
"DG did," Wyatt muttered.
"That cloud of obscenity still hovers over the hospital to this day."
"Ha ha, very funny Rumple."
Loki smirked. "No. She looked at me and said, "Thank the Norns you're here, Loki! Now just do the spell!' And that's what I did. I invented a spell that takes the pain of childbirth and turns it into tickling instead. So all the Asgardians who have the spell cast on them give birth laughing instead of yelling obscene things at their husbands."
"Now why didn't WE have that?" The wives of the Fourth, Sixth, Second, Third and Fifth realms glowered at him.
"Whoa, Great-Grampa, if looks could kill..." Alina gasped.
"That's what I'd like to know, Grandfather. Why didn't I have that spell when I am Asgardian?" Daria scowled.
"I think you can blame Titania for that," Tracy Hopper spoke up.
"I was giving it to so many women that Odin commanded I needed to be asked to give it. Can you imagine how busy I would've been otherwise?"
"You would've needed a planet full of Red Bull, amigo," Edgar Navarro remarked.
"Says the man who still drinks Slushies," David countered. "You're gonna have Type II Diabetes by the time you're fifty, man."
"I gotta drink it to keep awake when you listen to funeral music in the car."
"It's classical, not funeral music. I could turn on Michael Bolton, you know."
"Do it and I'll puke all over you."
Suddenly a portal opened in the floor. "We're not late, are we?"
"No, Mama you're just in time," Adora said with a smile when Persephone came through a portal with the Mystic Man and Glinda.
"Good because we need to be here to see our new grandchild. Quit laughing Loki! I know damned well what you're laughing about and I am NOT drunk this time. I'm dead, remember?" Jeb Mysticos reminded the god.
"You can still drink with the best of them in the afterlife," the god teased.
"And I still find you devilishly handsome," Glinda purred.
"Glinda the Naughty strikes again! Knock it off or I'm gonna have his wife get the ugly stick after you," her husband threatened.
"I'm dead. She can't beat me with it."
Regina and Emma grinned at each other. "Still had the finest ass in Vegas, right Gina?"
"Mmm hmmm.," the former evil queen murmured, wishing he would stand up so that she could have a peek.
"Oh I know all about the near riot he caused," Sigyn giggled. "I just wish I'd been there to see it. Next time you get drunk have Thor bring you home instead of wandering into a club hosting male strippers."
"I would have paid every last platinum I had to see THAT!" Glinda exclaimed.
"Did he go The Full Monty?" the Bordreaux sisters asked.
"No, dammit but we saw enough, didn't we ladies?" Emma and her mother grinned.
"Ahhh, can we NOT talk about this," Loki pleaded.
"What's the Full Monty mean?" Little Regina inquired of her mother.
"S'when a guy gets butt naked and dances on a stage. I caught Mom watchin it once," Killian Gold replied with a smirk.
"Killian Gold!" his mother scolded.
"She asked!"
"That doesn't mean YOU had to tell her! God..."
"Well he learned early," Jimmy Laufeyson-Gold laughed earning a boot to the foot from his girlfriend Miri.
"Cool it handsome before his mom roasts you."
"Why's it taking so long? Gramma shoulda had the baby by now." Meredith complained. "Miss Snow, can I borrow your phone and call Daddy? He needs to go check on Gramma."
"Honey, he may be busy."
"Well he's got five other docs just like him that can help Gramma."
"I wouldn't let ours anywhere near her. Pervert," Marie Hopper snorted.
"Sounds like a comedy club in here!" Meredith's father knelt and picked her up. "Hey Merri! You holdin down the fort in here?"
"Is Gramma okay?"
"She's doing fine. She should deliver any time now. Thank the gods you cast that spell Loki. I'd rather her hear laughing than cursing, not that she'd curse Archie out anyway."
His phone buzzed. "Okay honey I gotta go. Gramma's gonna have that baby now."
"'Bout time. Babies take for-ever getting born. Mommy took really long with Cas," Little Regina grouched.
"I wasn't that long Regina."
"Long enuf," her daughter retorted.
"I wonder what this baby will be?" Miri asked. "Papa wouldn't let me View it." She shot her father a pout.
"My sister's name will be Glinda Alexandra Strogoff-Hopper," Rumple replied.
Suddenly Astra ran up to him, her arms full of candy bars. "Papa! Lookit! Candy!"
Loki gaped at her. "Astra, by the Nine! Where did you get this?"
She pointed behind her. "Uncle Thor!"
"THOR! You didn't!" Loki groaned.
"Brother, I . . .she gave me one of her sad looks!" the Thunder God replied.
"Oh really? Well now guess who gets to deal with a hyperactive toddler, Brother?" Loki said, smirking. "YOU!"
"Serves you right, Thunderdumbass!" Adora taunted.
Sigyn laughed. "That's what you get when you have us raise your kids, Brother! Loki, I need popcorn!"
"If anyone told me I'd be sitting in a waiting room with a group of gods, demigods and fairy tale characters I would've said they're crazy!" Stephen Connor muttered.
"Get used to it dear if you want to be part of this family," Persephone cautioned. The epidemiologist cringed under the goddess's stare. Wyatt snickered, earning a boot to the foot from his wife.
Rumple gestured and a box of popcorn appeared in Sigyn's hands.
"Uncle Loki, Magni and I weren't that bad!" Modi protested.
Miri almost fell out of her chair. "Uh . . . excuse me? How much mead did YOU drink, cousin?"
"Are you forgetting about the hole in the ceiling of the palace, nephew?" Loki queried. "And the garden party where all your grandmother's ladies went screaming because of the ants?"
"Daddy shrunk himself once and got stuck in an ant traffic jam," Amber giggled.
"Because I'm not as good at that spell as your mother is. Besides, the only time I do it is when I want to go to Otis's comedy night. And before you ask, no. You can't go. His routines are not fit for young ears. I keep telling him I can make him human to take his show on the road, but he prefers staying a spider," Jiminy added.
"And dinna think ye lot will be sneaking into the Spinning Wheel to get sauced when ye're underaged!" Rumple threatened the teenagers.
Emma Hook glared at the ceiling. "At least I don't have to worry about having to search my house for hidden bottles of rum anymore."
"Honey, we warned you..." Emma Laufeyson-Gold reminded her gently.
"I know, I know," she grumbled. "And I should've listened the day of Lilly's wedding, but I had to learn the hard way. Once a drunk always a drunk and once a pirate always a pirate."
"Not in my case Missus Hook," Jimmy corrected. "Or Rogers or little Killian."
"You cleaned yourselves up."
"My time away made me do some soul searching," spoke up Storybrooke Two's former Mrs. Gold.
"That's good Belle," said Loki.
"We had to work things out...for Gideon and Sapphira's sakes. I don't want my son's second life to be as dark as his first and Sapphira...we have to keep that dagger out of her hands."
'I wouldn't have reversed the memory altering spell I cast on you and the others otherwise," Loki reminded her.
"At least you and Rumple had an amicable divorce and custody agreement...I would've preferred divorce to being a widow," Emma Hook grumbled. Her own husband had been killed while drunk driving.
"Killian Jones had to return to Ephesis eventually Emma. He was born in my dominion and his soul was mine," Persephone reminded her. "Only Ozmalita or I had the right to resurrect him, not my father. Also an innocent life was in exchange for his return. And we were fortunate he did not kill anyone that night he was driving home drunk."
"I know," she mumbled.
"So when's the wedding, Melanie?" Aurora asked.
"Well...not until Rumple's divorce, the custody agreements and alimony are settled..."
"Here she comes now, wants her alimony
Bleedin' me dry as a bony, bony
Workin' three jobs just to stay in debt, now
Well, first she took my nest egg
Then she took the nest
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah!" Bae Gold sang.
"Now look what you started!" Gold scolded his ex-wife. She smirked.
"Cause she took my house
Alimony
My car
Alimony
My shoes
Alimony
And my toothbrush too
Alimony
Too bad
Alimony
So sad
Alimony
And she got
Alimony
Got the gift of grab
Alimony
I'm in debt, debt, debt
Debt, debt, debt…" the other Baes sang. Belle French couldn't help laughing nor could her ex-husband or his fiancée.
"What is going on in here? Is this a waiting room or a karaoke bar?" One of the Doctor Whales asked when he walked into the waiting room.
"Both!" Weaver chuckled.
"Well?" Glinda demanded impatiently.
"Your daughter's given birth to a healthy, seven-pound baby girl!" he announced.
"Finally!" Meredith exclaimed.
"And my stepfather? Did he pass out?" Rumple giggled.
"No...he puked!"
"You're kidding!?" Adora burst out laughing. "Oh I am never gonna let him live that down. What's there to throw up about?"
"Plenty!" Archie Bordreaux-Hopper cried. 'That...that afterbirth is disgusting!"
"No he puked before that. Nerves I guess."
"May we see our daughter?"
"Give us at least an hour to get her settled and you can go in Your Highness."
"Doctor Whale, where's my Daddy?"
"He's getting cleaned up Merri but he'll come and get you when he's done."
"Okay, thanks!" She hugged her best friend. "I got a new aunt!"
"I know. Congrats Merri!"
An hour later Meredith's father came into the waiting room. "Lilly can only have two visitors at a time so you can fight over who goes in first."
"Rumple, take Meredith in," Glinda suggested. "Your grandfather and I will go in after you."
"Thank you, Grandmother. Come along Merri."
Lilly was sitting up in bed propped up against the pillows a still pale Archie sitting in the chair beside her bed. Rumple giggled.
"Couldna handle it, eh Dad?"
"Oh shut up," Archie moaned, fighting back the urge to vomit again. "Can't you do something about this?"
"Uh oh! Uncle Rumple he's gonna puke again!" Meredith gestured and a bucket appeared in her hands. She thrust it at her grandfather. "Don't puke on me, Grampa!"
"You…ohhhh…sound…like your grandmother!"
"So why're you so sick? Was it really gross?"
"No….just nerves. I usually just break out in hives, not this!"
"Try squeezing something the size of a watermellon out of a hole the size of a lemon and then tell me how you feel!" his wife retorted.
"Lilly! God's sake, our granddaughter and son are in the room!"
"Well I watched four of my five being born so it's nothing I haven't seen before," Rumple quipped. Archie glared at him.
"Now I know you get your smart mouth from HER side of the family!"
"Rumple, would you like to hold your sister?" Lilly asked softly.
"You know I would, Mama."
He took his sister from his mother's arms and gazed down at her tiny face. "Hello dearie. I'm your big brother Rumple," he murmured and waved his hand over her.
"Sister of mine this gift I give to thee
The Eye of Aramon, the truth you will always see!" he chanted and kissed her cheek then knelt down so that his niece could see her.
"Uncle Rumple, she's all red! Why's she all red?"
"Newborns are sometimes dearie but 'tis nothing to fret over. As her aunt and fellow Guardian ye must gie her a gift now dearie. Do ye remember the spell I taught ye?"
"Uh-huh."
Meredith held her hand over her aunt's face and concentrated.
"Aunt of mine this gift I give to thee
Any form you wish may you be!" she chanted.
"Good one, dearie!" he praised.
"But can I make it so she has to change back if Gramma or Grampa asks her to?"
"You just did."
"Good 'cause I really don't want her getting grounded like I did the time I changed to a skunk and stunk out Modi cause he was pickin on me."
They all laughed.
"Loki found it amusing," Lilly murmured.
"That's because that godfather of yours loves tricks," Archie shook his head. "You're all gonna keep me on my toes, make my hair fall out or turn it white before I'm sixty!"
"You signed up for this darling," Lilly reminded him.
"Twice," he laughed.
Out in the waiting room everyone was stunned when a group of Lokitties flew into the waiting room.
"Astarte, what are you doing here? They don't allow pets in the maternity ward."
"Glorious Father we've come to see the new kitten of our man crush," the cat informed Loki.
"You…you…WHAT?!" the god sputtered.
"Ummm…do I need to dig the wax outta my ears or did that cat just call Grampa Archie her man crush?" Hope asked her elder brother. Bae laughed.
"I said, we want to see the new kitten of our man crush." The other cats meowed in agreement.
Loki facepalmed himself. "Lilly is going to KILL me! My cats have a crush on her husband!"
"Well he is handsome and charming…for a human."
"No no, no….you are NOT going in there! She'll roast you on a spit! If you want mates, fine I'll get you mates but by the Norns NOT my goddaughter's human husband!"
"We just look not touch but if he were unwed, we'd bring him back to Asgard," one of the other Lokitties added.
"Have your own little harem, eh ladies?"
"MEEEEOWWW!"
"Shut up Thor," Loki hissed.
"Huh? I thought only guys had harems, not girls!"'
"KILLIAN GOLD!" his parents shouted.
Rumple's cousin Fiona snickered. "Oh, there can be harems of men lad."
"Really? Where?"
"You just forget about it, young man!"
"Dad, she brought it up."
"Yes, but it's on a need to know basis and you DON'T need to know."
While they were arguing Glinda and the Mystic Man went into the room to see their newest grandchild. "Loki, she wants you to go in now." Glinda informed him.
"Us too Father?'" Astarte asked hopefully.
"I'm going to burn in Hel for this but come on!"
Thor began whistling Taps.
"Okay smartass you wait...payback is gonna be a royal bitch!"
"Bring it," Thor challenged.
Loki gestured and a bottle of Coke appeared in Astra's hands.
Drink up, darling and do me proud!
A police whistle on a cord dangled from her arm.
"Lilly, darling, you must be tired, so we won't stay long," Loki promised and kissed her cheek.
"You will hold your goddaughter first!" she ordered.
"What? You want me to be her godfather?" He glanced over at Archie. He nodded in approval.
"You were Lilly's godfather so it's only fitting that you should be our daughter's," he replied.
"I thought…with so many friends and family…you'd want…"
"No, I want it to be you," she said firmly and handed Glinda to him.
"Well, aren't you a beautiful one Glinda Strogoff-Hopper," he murmured. "Just as your mama was the day I first held her in my arms." Sapphire blue eyes the same shade as her father's gazed up at him.
But I will protect you better than I protected your mama in her first life, little one.
He'd always considered Lilly's death at the hands of her sister one of his greatest failures as a god and godfather.
"You still remember that?" Archie asked, startled. "Even after all this time?"
Loki nodded. "It's not something you forget. First or last."
"I was just a baby, but my heart remembers it," Lilly said.
Loki traced several runes in the air and intoned softly in Norse, "Glinda Strogoff-Hopper, goddaughter of mine, the gift of laughter I give to thee, and the power to know hearts and minds. My blessing upon thee, child." He bent and kissed her forehead and green and gold sparkles drifted down over the baby, who waved her hands and tried to touch them.
Lilly laughed. "Just like I did!"
Astarte flew over to them. "You do make beautiful kittens handsome human," she said to Archie.
Loki almost choked.
"Ummm...thank you Astarte," Archie said nervously. The other Lokitties were rubbing their backs against his legs.
Lilly smirked at her godfather. "Something you're not telling me?"
"My cats . . . have developed an attachment to your husband," Loki answered.
"A purrfect mate!" one of the cats praised.
Lilly thought for a moment, "Well...you can't have my mate, but I can give you the next best thing."
She took Archie's hand and pressed it against her chest.
Moments later several ginger haired, blue eyed cats appeared on the floor.
"Hello ladies," they greeted in Archie's voice.
"Goddaughter of our Glorious Father, we thank you! Now why didn't YOU do that?" Astarte demanded of a speechless Loki.
"He was too busy being horrified," Lilly quipped.
"I don't know. I don't look bad as a cat," Archie chuckled.
"Now we will have our own beautiful kittens!"
Glinda suddenly reappeared in her mother's arms. Archie pointed to the floor laughing. "He fainted!"
"Oh...ohhhh Archie get your phone! You have got to get a picture of that before he wakes up!"
One of the Archie cats nudged his foot. "He's out cold."
"He's not gonna turn into the blue Jotun Frost Giant now, is he?" asked another.
"He will if his brother sees him like that," Astarte giggled.
"Loki, you ass! You gave that kid of yours Coke and a police whistle and...oh by the Norns! What'd you do to him? Get him drunk?" Thor snickered.
"No, he's a bit shocked seeing us," one of the Archie cats answered.
"Where'd you guys come from?"
"Lilly made us mates from our man crush. Are they not handsome?"
"Ummm...if you say so. I'm not into cats." Thor knelt beside his brother and slapped his cheeks. "WAKEY WAKEYYYYY!' he yelled in his ear.
Loki cursed in Norse. "Go 'way Thor. Not time to giddup yet."
"He's really out of it! YO dipshit! Wake up! I wanna talk to you!"
Loki sat up and rubbed his head. "What happened?"
"What happened? You fainted, sissy boy!" Thror taunted.
"Eat my staff Thunderbutt!"
"Fight nice boys or I'm summoning Odin and Frigga to put you in the corners," Lilly teased.
The gods made negating gestures.
"Oh, fine! But behave," she warned them.
"Tell him not to give his kid Coke and a police whistle. I'm nearly deaf!"
"Cry me a river."
Zippers appeared on their mouths.
"I'll take them off if you promise not to squabble like children. Do you promise?"
They nodded.
"Good. Now go be good little gods and let me rest." She lay back against the pillows and closed her eyes.
"I'll come by in a few days," Loki whispered to Archie and teleported out.
"Well dearies, here she is….Glinda Alexandra Strogoff-Hopper!" Rumple announced, casting one of the photographs he'd taken with his phone on the wall of the waiting room.
"Oh, she's adorable!" Belle exclaimed. "How is your mother?"
"She's tired but she'll be fine."
"And Archie?" Jiminy inquired with a smirk.
"Still a wee bit nauseated but he'll get over it. They're leavin' him in the room with Mama. Doubt he'd wanna go home anyway since Merri's stayin with her da. Everyone's invited to the Grille for a feast and if ye leave my club hungry its yer own fault."
No one ever did.
He stood outside the nursery later that evening, a small smile on his lips as he watched his baby sister sleep. He went in, taking his sister out of her crib and sat down in the chair in the corner of the room cradling her against his chest.
"May you never fight the battle with the darkness I did dearie," he murmured. "The darkness still lingers but together we will build a world the darkness cannot breach. The darkness kept everyone I loved from me for so long and I gave my life to bring them back to me again. I would give my life again if I had to for you to be safe. All magic comes with a price, my wee sister. When you think the dark path is the right path, I want you to remember the prices I paid, look away and follow the light."
The baby opened her eyes and looked up at him, her tiny hand reaching up and touching his scarred chest. He covered her tiny hand with his large one and both began to glow.
"Nothing can hurt us if we're together and we're going to be together a long time Lindy," he murmured.
For there was no greater bond than that of family and no magic stronger than love.
Author's Notes: We now come to the end of this part of the Gold Chronicles saga but the story is far from over, dearies. I started this project four years ago and were it not for the encouragement of so many people I never would've been able to finish it. First, I would like to thank my co-author. Kat, your Gold Standard started this journey and I feel that I have grown as a writer working with you and nothing pleased me more than us finally bringing the worlds we've written together. Second, I would like to thank the readers. You know who you are and finally stay tuned for the sequels Once Upon a Time In Miami and Vegas, Cold Heritage, Nemo, Dreaming of a Knight and Blue, Place In This World and The Gold Chronicles one shots!