Chapter 1

This story opens in Outer Space. But you already knew that. Or you would surely have suspected it, at least, for you must have seen the title or else you would not have decided to look at this story, and since the title clearly says "Adventures in Space" you would naturally expect this story to take place, at least partially, in Outer Space. It would indeed be foolish to title a story "Adventures in Space" and confine it exclusively to a planet, such as Neptune or Earth, unless the title was intended to be symbolic or ironical. Poe would not have titled his poem "The Raven", for instance, had the featured fowl been a kookaburra or a Great Auk. Permit me to say, therefore, that since the title reads "Adventures in Space" you may trust that this story's setting includes that particular and specific location.

So, as I was saying, this story opens in Outer Space. Not on the sea, on dry land, underground, inside a building, or the open air, but in the vastness of Space, the Final Frontier, as they say. Through said vast reaches of Space languidly drifted the Shattermaster.

She was a great spaceship. By 'great' I mean in terms of size, not in terms of appearance, for she looked very much like a giant slice of pizza, baring the unappetizing gray hue that defined her appearance. She was the flagship of the Federation Fleet, and housed some of the most distinguished members of her government and military from time to time.

A courier marched smartly down one of the many long corridors. He was the very image of what a messenger should look like: his body was stiff and erect, his clean shaven chin pointed up, his hands behind his back, not a wrinkle, tear, or piece of lint on his smart black uniform, his cap on straight, and his steps made in perfect rhythm with a watch, and he carried about him an air of haughty, stuck up self-importance.

He approached the door to the Conference Room. Only those with the highest security clearance were allowed in here. A sign on the door read:

"Top Secret Meeting in Progress! No Admittance!"

The messenger felt a thrill at the thought that a top secret meeting was being held just a few feet away from him, with only a descended door in between them. He saw he was alone in the corridor so, suddenly and readily, he gave into temptation and eagerly pressed his ear against the door. From this position he could hear:

"Now, does anybody have any brick?"

"Nope."

"I do."

"Would you trade two sheep for it?"

"Nope. I'll only trade it for wood."

"Done. Now, I'm going to build a settlement here…I'm going to build a road here…and I'm going to trade in this wheat for a wood."

"Right, my turn. Five. I get two bricks. I'm done."

"Seven." There were several groans as he then said with gleeful maliciousness, "Well, well, where shall I put the robber now? How about on this six?"

The eavesdropper could not comprehend what they were talking about or how any of it was top secret. Clearly this discussion was so secret they were using only code words. Or perhaps the commanders were discussing construction projects.

He suddenly decided he had risked enough. He pressed a button on the wall. A surly voice on the other end said "What?"

"I was sent to inform you, sir, Lord Dagur's shuttle has arrived and he will be joining you shortly."

"Yeah, fine, thank you."

The messenger paused a bit taken aback, decided he had discharged his duty, and turned to leave. But he gave into temptation again and again pressed his ear to the door.

"So, my turn….rolled a two…how often does that happen?"

"No kidding!"

"So does anyone actually get anything?"

"Doesn't look like—WAIT A MINUTE! LORD DAGUR'S COMING?"

The messenger would have heard that shriek even had he not been eavesdropping. It startled him so much he nearly jumped out of his finely pressed suit, turned tail and sped away.

The men in the Conference Room hurriedly put away the cardboard map and the pieces on it and pulled out pads of paper. One of them said in a loud and official sounding voice, considerably different from the tone he had been using earlier, "Now, let's move onto the financial reports…General So's, if you please?"

"Certainly, Vice-Admiral. Our missile expenditure last season amounted to—"

At that moment, with a menacing hiss, the door rose and in walked a ferocious looking man, as intimidating as a great wolf. Dressed in thick brown armor, with several scars and tattoos on his face, he walked, or more correctly stomped, into the room, glaring at everything with eyes hard as iron. Even a brave man would have wilted under such a gaze.

The Officers at once got to their feet while trying to disguise their fears, and raised their pinky fingers in salute.

"Health and Wealth to Lord Dagur!"

Lord Dagur grinned. He loved seeing people nervous in his presence. He made for the head of the table and sat down. Once this was done, the others resumed their seats and breathed a little more freely.

"First order of business?" Lord Dagur said in a sneering voice.

"My Lord, the ambassador from—"

But he got no further when the door unexpectedly opened again and the ambassador himself furiously burst into the room.

"YOU-SA IN BIG DOODOO THIS TIME! WE-SA NOT BE—!"

Lord Dagur casually pulled out a ray gun and shot him in the head. The ambassador flopped onto the floor.

"No klutzy comic-relief salamander things on board my vessel!" he announced.

Those around him started laughing with relief.

"Shut up."

The laughter died at once.

Lord Dagur stroked his lip and frowned. "Who let that lizard onto this ship anyway? I never made it known I wished to speak with those morons!"

All gazes and fingers pointed to the secretary, who was busy recording the minutes. He paled.

"Sir—Lord Dagur—I merely thought that—well, he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer, so I thought—"

"I don't pay peons to think." Lord Dagur growled. "It's a very bad habit."

"Sir, I knew you would take care of him! I had every faith in your ability to handle idiots like him!" the man squeaked.

"I find your faith disturbing." Lord Dagur gestured to his security guards. "Take him away and…make him watch Batman and Robin!"

The guards dragged the unfortunate secretary away screaming. "NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

Lord Dagur just laughed loudly. He looked about him. "Well?"

The others in the room laughed, more nervous than enthusiastic, but Lord Dagur did not care about the distinction.

"Good!" He leaned back in his chair. "Now to the real business—Vice Admiral Vorg, that secretary was hired by you, yes?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Good. You can take his place."

"But sir, I'm Vice-Admiral of the—"

"Do you want to watch the movie with him, sir?" Lord Dagur asked. A dangerous glint was in his eyes. "You know what people are like after I subject them to those movies. Remember your predecessor when he failed me for the last time."

The man in question was still in a coma after Lord Dagur had, two years prior, forced him to watch the Garbage Pail Kids movie. Vice-Admiral Vorg dutifully picked up a pen and began to record the minutes. Lord Dagur smiled, very pleased with himself. It was a good morning.

"Now, then: is Princess Astrid secure in her cell?"

The men around him nodded in unison.

"Guards posted?"

More nodding.

"Doors locked and bolted?"

More nodding.

"Restraints secured?"

More nodding.

"The interrogators at work on her?"

More nodding.

"Which interrogators were they, remind me?"

"I put Nut 1 and Nut 2 on the job, Lord Dagur."

Lord Dagur grinned evilly and rubbed his hands together. "Good! Well done General—" he looked at the General's name badge. "S-O-S?"

"It's prounced So's, sir. As in it rhymes with sews." He sounded weary of explaining this.

"Whatever. So Nuts 1 and 2 are with Princess Astrid, are they? Boy, I'd hate to be her! She'll be begging me to show her a bad movie by the time they're done with her! Mwahahaha! Now she's gonna get it! Evil laughs, everybody!"