Chapter 2

"This is terrible!" Nut 1 whispered to Nut 2, "She won't talk! We've tried the awful music, the expired yogurt against the nose didn't work, and when we tried to shove a carrot down her throat she chewed it up and spat it out!" she pointed to the mushy orange remains on the floor. "Now it's an ex-carrot! And when we suggested forcing her to sit through economic lectures, she just laughed at us! And did she respond when we asked nicely? No! Oh, what are we going to do? If Lord Dagur shows up and we've got nothing, he'll—"

"He'll deactivate us, send us to the spice mines of Kettlerang, smash us into who knows what, and then he'll get angry!" Nut 2 gasped.

"Or force us to watch every episode of Barney and watch us self-deactivate! Either way we're doomed!"

Nuts 1 and 2 were in fact androids, designed to resemble humans and endowed with human intelligence (relatively speaking), but they were still essentially machines and had been programmed with a strong fear of deactivation.

They were speaking in a corner. In the center of the room was the prisoner, Princess Astrid, restrained to a mechanized chair. Her lovely blond hair was a disheveled mess and the restraints were digging into her skin but on the whole she seemed none the worse for wear, for a prisoner under interrogation.

Nut 2, the male android, went over to her. "You know, I'm impressed. You've resisted our best efforts to extract information from you."

"Maybe you should rethink your technique. Why not try the direct approach?"

"All right. What was your ship doing in Outer Space?"

"Moving."

"We know that!" Nut 1 exclaimed, "Why were you traveling through this territory? This is Federation turf. Why were you here? Where was your escort? Why didn't you flee before we activated the tractor beam? I almost think you wanted us to capture you!"

"You know we'll find the answers sooner or later." Nut 2 added, "You know we can take whatever we want."

"Not true," Astrid said, "You'll never take away my humor."

Nut 2 groaned. "She's right!"

"Or my pride."

Nut 2 abruptly started wailing. "I suddenly feel so incompetent!"

"Or my sense of morals,"

"Lord Dagur's gonna deactivate me!"

"Or prevent me from crying. You'll never take away my tears!"

Nut 2 covered his ears and moaned out loudly to drown her out.

"Enough of this!" Nut 1 shouted, "What were you doing when we caught you?"

"Trying to get away."

"Will you stop giving me straight answers!"

They stared at her.

"I mean, will you start giving me straight answers!"

Astrid took a dramatically deep breath. "All right. If you must know, I was out here trying to visit some of Lord Dagur's relatives."

The two Nuts looked at her eagerly. "His relatives?"

"Yeah. There was a Sir Loin of Pork, Moron of Boron, Rufus Doofus and his wife Ima, and Queen Mala the Chuckwalla of Valhalla. And his nephew Sven." She paused and lowered her voice. "Oh, and there was a contact I was told to meet."

Nut 1 had been jotting these names down. "Go on!"

"I was told to find the Hamm City Orchestra on Planet Muckerducker. I was to locate the man playing Second Fiddle. He would direct me to the Stringed Bass section. The man I wanted played First Stringed Bass."

Nut 2 leaned forward eagerly. "Who were they? Give us the name! Who was playing Second Fiddle?"

"Yew."

"Me?" Nut 1 exclaimed.

"No, Yew."

"Me?" Nut 2 exclaimed.

"No, Yew."

"Me?" both of them exclaimed.

Astrid smiled serenely. Nut 1 caught on.

"Oh, you think you're so funny! Now tell the truth! What's the name of the man that was playing First Bass?"

"No, Who's on First!" Astrid burst out laughing.

The Two Nuts looked at each other. "I don't get it."

"Me neither."

"Well, you can take all that to Lord Dagur and tell him I said 'hi'." Astrid said cheerfully. Deep down, of course, she was very worried. The jokes would end if anyone else came in to interrogate her.

At the mention of Lord Dagur's name, Nut 2 pulled himself together while pulling on sinister looking black leather gloves. "Right, that does it. We're going to have to get…nasty. Nut 1, you had better leave. What I'm about to do isn't suitable for a she-male android's optic sensors."

"What are you going to do?"

"It's better if you don't know the details. Why don't you go see what General Eret is doing?"

She brightened at the suggestion. "All right." And, apparently never considering what would happen if Lord Dagur showed up while she was gone, she left.

Nut 2 turned to Astrid. "You're truly a hard nut to crack. A tough nut indeed. I did not want to have to do this, but you have forced me to take extreme measures." He noticed her trying to shift her position. He smiled sadistically. "Comfortable?"

"That's a relative term, but sure, you could say that. In fact, before you do whatever you're planning to do, I've got to say, this is the most comfortable prison chair I have ever been in."

"What?" Nut 2 cried. Forgotten were his dastardly intentions, whatever they were. Androids have been noted for their distractibility. He went to check the monitors. "Can't be! All the settings are on 'Total Agony'!"

"There must be a bug in the system. I mean, do I look like I'm in 'Total Agony'?" She most certainly did not. She looked more like someone reclining in an easy chair.

"I can't believe it. No wonder our efforts to extract information haven't paid off!" He bit his lip, trying to work out how to fix this mess. "You're sure you're not in extreme pain?"

"Very sure. Maybe the chair is faulty."

"I'd better take a look for myself." He punched a button and the bindings on Astrid's limbs were released. She stood up. He climbed into the chair. "Here, go to the controls and push the big red button, will you?" She did so and the bindings closed again on Nut 2's hands and feet. Within the span of a minute Astrid and her Interrogator had abruptly switched places. "Now, turn the green lever and put it on the 'Near Fatal' setting."

Astrid only pretended to do this. "Anything happening?"

"No! You're right, something is wrong with this chair! I don't feel any pain at all!"

"Perhaps there's a bug in the system. What's the password to get into the main computer?"

"It's 8-20-20-25-4." Nut 2 distractedly replied as he craned his neck around to try to see the chair's headrest.

"Well, while you figure out what's wrong, I'll just be going. That all right?" Astrid asked casually.

"Yeah, sure. Why isn't this thing torturing me? I don't get it." He was so absorbed in the problem he did not even notice Princess Astrid leave the room.

Hardly daring to believe her plan had worked and she was free, she slipped into a nearby equipment storage room and threw on the first crewman's uniform and helmet she found. They fit badly, but it would have to do.

Cool and confident as anyone could be, she made her way down the corridors. The trick to infiltration was to always act as though you knew exactly what you were doing and where you were going. A confused person attracted attention.

"Vogue 1 said the control room was on the third level." She muttered.

Nut 1 had unwittingly come very close to guessing the truth earlier. Astrid had wanted to be captured. It was the best plan the Separatist High Command had been able to come up with.

She made her way to the control room. It was a very large room crammed full of computers and people staring intently at them. Nobody noticed her enter and make her way to an opened computer. She typed in the number code Nut 2 had given her, and with a few more clicks she found what she wanted and downloaded it.

"The map is complete." She thought, hardly daring to believe the ease of her stunning success.

Now all she had to do was get off from this ship and back to High Command. And with any luck, her transport would be arriving any minute.

.

Lord Dagur strutted down the corridor excitedly, followed by an armored guard and officers. The door before him went up and he entered the interrogation room.

"So, Princess Astrid, how are we feeling today—?" he stopped in his tracks when he saw Nut 2 in the interrogation chair.

"—the electrical sparks are still working, the springs are fine, the cushion's a little too soft, I knew we should've bought an iron one instead of velvet—"

"What are you doing?" Lord Dagur yelled.

"I'm trying to fix this stupid chair! I'm not in any pain!" Nut 2 yelled back, without even looking to see who he was talking to.

Lord Dagur went to the controls. "The cord isn't plugged in! You moron, didn't you think to check that?"

"Why would that cord not be plugged in? Who unplugged it?"

Dagur shrugged and plugged it in. Had Nut 2 not been restrained he would have jumped through the ceiling screaming.

"Oh yes, that is very active now!"

Lord Dagur switched it off and looked around. "Good. So where's the prisoner? Where's Princess Astrid?"

"She said she would just be going. Man, that was some jolt of pain," he added, a smile of relief coming to his face.

"Oh, she did? All right, we'll go and—" Dagur's face began turning bright red. At the same time Nut 2 realized what was going on and his face turned pale white.

"Oh dear."

Dagur became so angry he could hardly speak. "Why you—you—you stupid little—you—"

"Anger causes high blood pressure!" Nut 2 squeaked.

Lord Dagur whipped out his laser sword, and roaring the words "IDIOT!" slammed it into the chair, sending it and Nut 2 flying into the wall.

"I am very much in pain again! I'm seeing triple!"

"IDIOT!" Dagur screamed as he slashed and hacked at the controls. Sparks burst and pieces flew left and right. He turned to the door, only to find all of his retinue had fled the scene. Furiously, he stormed over to the intercom and bellowed, "This is Lord Dagur! The Princess Astrid has escaped! Lock down the Shattermaster and FIND HER! NOW!"

"And send for a doctor. Lord Dagur's blood pressure is in need of monitoring." Nut 2 added from the floor.

"EVERYBODY IGNORE THAT!"