Chapter 6

A courier marched quickly down one of the many long corridors of the Shattermaster. He approached the door to the Conference Room. He could hear the people on the other side talking, for they were not bothering to keep their voices down.

"This is dreadful! If Lord Dagur finds out about this—"

"Come on, tell us: where have those Separatists gone?"

"Tell us! Tell us!"

They must be interrogating a prisoner, the courier decided. A particularly tough prisoner too, for he could hear no sounds that a prisoner under interrogation might make.

The courier pressed a buzzer.

"Yes? This is General So's." was the irritated reply.

"Lord Dagur wishes to speak with you in his quarters, sir. You and your people, at once, sir."

"…Thank you. We'll be there." General So's turned back to his aide and threw his hands in the air. "Wonderful! Just wonderful! He's gonna make us watch 20 hours of slug videos when he hears about this!"

The aide was bent over the table, staring intently at a thin piece of wood. "Where have the Separatists gone? Tell us! Tell us now!"

"Oh give it up!" the General retorted. "C'mon, we'd better get going before Lord Dagur loses patience and gets angry prematurely."

"It'll work, sir, it's gotta work!"

"What's it saying now?" someone else asked. "Is it giving us their location?"

"No it says…" the aide's voice trailed off.

"What? What's it say?"

"13."

General So's scratched his head wearily. "You know something? I think you were scammed when you bought that Ouija Board."

.

"Oh, General Eret, it was so sweet of you to invite me into your quarters." Nut 1 said dreamily.

General Eret eyed her warily. "But I didn't."

"Well, you were going to, I'm sure. I just saved time and preempted you."

She had deliberately positioned her chair so that it was between the General and the door, and he was all too aware of it.

"Well here we are, just you and me! Is it not heavenly? Is it not…paradise?"

Eret kept his mouth shut, but the expression on his face would have made clear to anyone, except apparently Nut 1, that he thought otherwise.

"Look, Lord Dagur is bound to call for me sooner or later, and it would be really embarrassing if he found out—"

"About us?" she asked eagerly. "About what's going on between us?"

He retorted, "Between us? The only thing 'between us' right now is air."

"Indeed! I feel so airy in this room! I feel like a feather floating in the air when I see you! The cares upon my shoulders are light as air whenever you're near!"

"You know, I thought androids were not supposed to feel emotions." The engineers were going to hear about this, he promised himself.

"I'm an exceptional android. Oh, but don't remind me about it! I can't bear recalling that you're a human and I'm only an artificial human. But this can work out! We'll make this work out!"

"But I don't want this to work out!"

Nut 1 ignored him and instead began to sing.

"Drink unto me with only thine eyes…"

"Why are you singing?"

"…and I will pledge with mine…"

"You aren't even getting the words right!"

She stood up slowly and drew nearer to him. "…or leave a kiss within the cup…"

"No thank you." He backed away from her.

"…And I'll not ask for wine…the thirst that from the soul doth rise…"

Like Eret's anxiety levels.

"…Doth ask a drink divine…"

"And I'm asking for divine intervention here!" Eret growled. "Get away from me and stop singing!"

"But it always works in the musicals! The girl starts singing, the guy joins in, and at the end they kiss!"

Eret shuddered. "No thank you!"

"Kiss me, oh beloved dashing human of my dreams! Make my circuits overload with passion! Ignite my toenails!"

He was slightly intrigued. "Androids are made with toenails?"

"Yes!" She tried to move closer but Eret pulled away again.

"Oh, am I taking this too fast?" she looked embarrassed. "Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie! You wanted to draw this out, and I'm ruining the moment!"

"What moment?" Eret exclaimed.

"I've spoiled it! I know it! You're going to think less of me now!"

"Oho, believe me, lady, I could never think less of you!"

Her face brightened. "Really? Well then, I'll continue the song…but might I of Jove's nectar sup, I would not change for thine!"

He had backed against the wall now.

"Oh sweet Eret, I know what you're thinking…"

"I seriously doubt that!"

"I'll start verse 2, that'll make you feel better…I sent thee late a rosy wreath…actually, I didn't, remind me to send you one later. Can I have your address?"

"I don't technically have one, now that you mention it…"

"Oh, you're right, sweetie, it's unimportant. What matters is you are here and I am here, and there is nothing to keep us apart!" She snuggled up against his large chest.

"I'm putting in for a transfer."

"Oh you have a wonderful sense of humor! As wonderful as the rest of you, especially those muscles of yours! Oh, General Eret, you're the epitome of male perfection!"

Eret might have been flattered had it not been for the situation, and for the fact that she now was trying to kiss him and he had his hand over her mouth.

"Don't you want to smooch?"

"No, I don't!"

"Well what do you want to do? Shall I keep singing?"

"NO!"

"…not so much hon'ring thee…as giving it…I'm forgetting what comes next. Oh dear. Oh whatever. Let's just kiss and forget about it!"

At that moment there was a knock on the door. "General Eret, sir? Lord Dagur wants to see you."

Eret pulled out of Nut 1's arms and rushed out the door. "Lord Dagur wants to see me? Good! Excellent! I'll be right there!" He had never been so glad to be summoned by Lord Dagur. The aide watched him go and, seeing the look of relief on the general's face, wondered if he had been drinking lately. Meanwhile, Nut 1 sat down in the chair again and said dreamily, "He touched me!"

.

Lord Dagur was reclining in his Jacuzzi, an ice pack attached to his head, staring at a screen attached to the ceiling.

"'…Oh, Neil, how I've waited to hear you say those words! But I could never marry you…I'm already engaged!'"

"'What? To whom? To whom, Bertha, my love, to whom?'"

"'Oh, Neil! To your evil stepbrother Humperdinck!'"

Dagur gasped.

"'But Bertha! Humperdinck was decommissioned and sold for scrap two years ago!'"

Lady Heather, Dagur's younger sister, impatiently tapped her fingers. "And this is the kind of entertainment we watch these days."

"Hey! This is first rate stuff!"

"Soap operas? Well, maybe by Federation standards." She said in disgust. She wondered if these shows were intended to lower the viewer's intelligence.

Dagur shook his head sympathetically. "Poor sister of mine. Being a woman you don't have the intellectual capacity to see all the good the Federation has in it."

"Oh, I don't?" she replied dangerously. "What good are we talking about here, exactly?"

"We have created the perfect government, sister! Here all the typical problems are gone, and everyone is better off for it! Consider if you can! Women complained about not having the right to vote! So we took away everyone's right to vote! That way no one gender or race gets singled out. People complained about the cost of education and the idea that formal education ruins the creative mind! So we did away with schools and saved a small amount of government expenditure every year! Workers complained they weren't making enough, so we gave them more hours and removed their days off, vacation time, and insurances! That way they get more money because they don't waste it on things they don't need! And unemployment has never been lower, because everybody is made to work now! Housing space and prices are no longer a problem because workers live on site. And we don't waste government money anymore on public things like libraries and parks or postal systems, because we don't have them, so we save more and more every year! And nobody can complain that we discriminate against certain races in any way, because we discriminate against all races, which therefore cancels out any discrimination! Isn't this the best way to run a government?"

"So no ethnic group suffers because they all suffer?"

"Exactly!"

"And yet you won't let women into government, but you'll let men in?"

"Yes, but that's going to change too. The Supreme Leader is planning to dissolve the rest of the bureaucracy for good soon. People complain about a corrupt government, so we won't have one! Soon only the Supreme Leader will be in government and no one else! And nobody would dare accuse Supreme Leader Don Viggo de Cappuccino of being corrupt! Although," he lost some of his enthusiasm, "I do prefer his father over him. Morten was easier to be friendly with, but Viggo, Morten's son, now he gives me the shivers."

Heather smirked. "And what about the Separatists? Evidently somebody in the galaxy believes something's wrong with the Federation."

"We'll wipe them out soon enough," her brother said dismissively.

"You do know we have footage of the Princess entering the control room, right?"

"Yeah?"

"What was she doing in there?"

"I'll be sure to ask when we catch her. Fear not, my unintelligent sister! Your smart brother already has plans! I'm tracking her ship even as we speak. We'll follow them wherever they go and meet them with guns blazing!"

"Hmm."

"Oh we will. Now be quiet a moment! I want to finish the show."

"'Oh Bertha, kiss me like your life depends upon it!'"

"'I will, Neil! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, you remind me of what it feels like to be an old man once more!'"

"'…what did you just say?'"

The words 'To Be Continued' flashed upon the screen. Dagur hit the water with his fist and made a big splash.

"I hate it when they do that! They always have to end it with a cliffhanger and keep me in suspense for a whole week!"

Heather smiled with mock sympathy. A buzzer went off. Dagur switched off the screen (he knew it might be bad for his reputation if word got out he was watching Soap Operas). An aide entered and announced that the Commanding Officers were waiting outside, having been summoned.

"Great!" Lord Dagur cried, but made no effort to get out of the hot tub, "Come on in, guys! Come in! Gather around and let's talk about destroying Separatists!"

They were relieved to see him in a very good mood and raised their pinky fingers in salute. "Health and Wealth to Lord Dagur!"

"Naturally. Now then, what news? Lady Heather, you can leave, if you don't mind. This is a manly matter."

"Yes, my brother," she replied with a formal bow.

Lord Dagur put on a pair of reading glasses. "What a wonderful sister! She's so obedient to my wishes. It's all because she loves me so much."

"It's touching to see how much she loves her big brother," Mr. Larsen the aide agreed. He was a bit of a sycophant.

"Yes, yes. Now, Generals, report! Say Eret, why is there lipstick on your chin?"

"It's just ketchup, my Lord," he quickly replied, forcing himself to keep a straight face, "we have reports of the Separatist fleet gathering at Gronkle-5." He produced a map and pointed to various points on it. "They have gathered here, here, and here. But this cannot be one of their secret bases, because we hold the outpost there. Or at least we did."

"Contact the rest of our armada. Order them to converge on Gronkle-5. If all the Separatist ships are there we'll engage them! A big space battle! I love those."

"Shall I alter our course, sir?" a pilot asked.

"No, we shall continue to follow the Princess and her cohorts. Where is their ship now?"

The men around him stiffened nervously.

"Lord Dagur…" General Eret began, but he could not bring himself to continue.

General So's finished the announcement for him.

"The batteries in the Tracker Bug were put in upside down. The Bug is inoperative. We have no idea of where they are."

There was a long, tense silence. With trembling fingers Lord Dagur pulled off his reading glasses. "The following men will stay here: So's, Eret, Larsen, and Savage. The rest of you may go."

As if they needed any prompting. They quickly filed out, leaving behind the four unlucky men, who stood before Dagur like schoolboys before the principal.

As soon as the door closed Dagur leapt to his feet and exploded. "THAT WAS MY PLAN! MY PLAN! HOW DARE YOU BUNCH OF IDIOTS MESS UP A PLAN THAT I CAME UP WITH! I IMPROVISED A PLAN ON THE SPOT AND YOU TELL ME IT WON'T WORK BECAUSE SOME MORON PUT THE BATTERIES IN THE WRONG WAY! SO THIS IS HOW IT IS? ALL MY HARD WORK RUINED BY A BUNCH OF BRAINLESS OFFICERS AND INCOMPETENT FOOLS—"

"Lord Dagur, we didn't put the batteries in that Bug!" General Eret bravely protested.

Dagur threw his glasses at him. "THEN WHO DID? TELL ME THAT, IF YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU PIECE OF GUTLESS SCUM!"

"Lord Dagur, this is outrageous slander!"

"IT'S GONNA BE EVEN WORSE THAN THAT, DUMMY! THE PRINCESS AND HER COHORTS HAVE ESCAPED, AND NOW WE CAN'T FOLLOW THEM BECAUSE MY PLAN IS WRECKED! WHY COULDN'T ANYBODY ON THIS SHIP FOLLOW THE SIMPLEST OF INSTRUCTIONS?"

He need not have bothered ordering the others to leave. Even with the closed door they could clearly hear him.

"I'M SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETANT MONKEYS! WE SPEND HALF THE BUDGET ON TRAINING CADETS AT THE FEDERATION ACADEMIES, AND THIS IS WHAT WE GET!"

"This is bad for your blood pressure, sir." Eret said weakly.

"SHUT UP ABOUT MY BLOOD PRESSURE! I SHOULD MAKE YOU ALL WATCH AWFUL MOVIES UNTIL YOUR BRAINS SQUIRT OUT YOUR EARS! THEN MY PLANS WOULDN'T BE RUINED BY PEOPLE PUTTING IN BATTERIES INCORRECTLY!"

He took a deep breath and spoke more softly. "I never went to school past 3rd grade. Yet I came up with that plan all by myself. Nobody else did. It was all me. And now it's in shambles, through no fault of mine. No, it was my fault. I put too much faith in the abilities of the BUFFOONS WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO SERVE ME! I'M SURROUNDED BY MORONS! MORONS! TRAITORS! AND EVERY TRAITOR HERE IS GONNA PAY! PAY!" He lapsed into a forced calm and sank back into the hot tub.

"Sir," Mr. Larsen said softly, "what if there is a traitor on board? What if they put those batteries in upside down on purpose?"

"And ruin my wonderful plan? That would be just mean! And they'll pay! I'll root them out! I'll turn the whole ship upside down until I find them! They'll drown in their own blood! BLOOD!" now he was screaming like a maniac. "RIVERS AND LAKES OF BLOOD! HUGE POOLS OF BLOOD! ENOUGH BLOOD TO SINK A SHIP! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Abruptly he stopped laughing and became a picture of despair. "Since my plan is ruined, it means I have to come up with another." He stood up uneasily. "And that means I have to speak to the Supreme Leader and inform him about all of this. And I'd almost rather blow my brains out."

General So's could not resist muttering to Eret, "Why, I'd almost say he's turned chicken!"

Overhearing the taunt, Dagur grabbed So's by the shoulder and threw him into the hot tub.