Chapter 8
Partway through repairs Trio decided he wanted to get something to eat. Finding the food on the Condor all squashed from the 'unorthodox landing', he decided he would sample the menu at the nightclub. Astrid decided to accompany him, but Doctor Ingerman preferred to remain on the ship. 2TH-LS, of course, had no need for food.
Advertisements often show nightclubs and casinos filled with attractive models in suits and cocktail gowns, warmly congratulating someone for wining an unexpected jackpot. Such a sight would be a novelty to the nightclub on Narilda. Here the clientele, whatever the gender or species, were largely overweight and unwashed. They stared at their slot machines and mindlessly pressed buttons. Food wrappers and empty bottles were strewn about the floor. The air was so hazy with tobacco smoke that Astrid nearly gagged when she first entered the building. And Trio noted sourly that the food prices were nearly triple what they were on Outpost 66 and Pulagard.
They chose a table in a corner, some distance from the music speakers that were blasting so loudly Trio complained they made his ribs vibrate. Astrid found that remark rather amusing. She noticed Trio had put on a mask that covered all of his face except his mouth and asked him about it.
"I prefer to be unrecognized."
"By wearing a mask? Won't that just make you more noticeable?"
"Maybe, but nobody will know it's me."
"Why the secrecy?" Astrid asked.
Trio preferred to examine his food. "I asked for a burger, not flapjacks!"
.
Not too far away, outside, Nut 1 eyed the ship with relish. "The explosives are set. Blow her up!"
Nut 2 grinned and pressed the button. The ship before them was blown sky high. They gave each other high fives.
"A brilliant explosion, if I do say so myself."
"Beautiful, Nut 1."
"Amazing."
"And now, with their ship gone, the Princess and her friends cannot hope to get off this planet. I'd say mission accomplished. And look: here comes one of them now!"
A man approached the wreckage of the ship. Even from a distance he was clearly stunned. "Me ship! Me poor ship!"
"Hah!" Nut 2 chuckled. "Look at that old geezer!"
"Me ship! Me beloved Fungus! Me cabbages! All gone!"
"Strange," Nut 1 remarked, "I don't recall him being in the description of Princess Astrid's companions. They were all young people. That man must be old enough to have mold and mildew growing on him."
"Yeah, he looks like living proof that mammals survived the extinction of the dinosaurs. But that can't be! Our orders said quite clearly the Centennial Condor was docked in Quadrant 806, right?"
Nut 1 pulled out her D.U.M.B. phone and had a look. "Yes, 806, that's what it says, it—oh dear." She rotated her phone so that the end pointing towards the sky was now pointing towards the ground. "Or was it 908?"
They stared at each other, looked at the destroyed ship, and then looked at each other again.
"This never happened."
"Yeah."
"We had nothing to do with this."
"Right."
They started walking away.
"Still one cool explosion, though."
.
Astrid turned her attention to the stage. A man was on it, singing to a disinterested audience. I said 'singing,' but in reality he was speaking dramatically while a record was being played.
"The sign says he's James T. Berk, the Transformer Man," Astrid said.
"That explains the electrical transformer pattern on his suit." Trio observed.
"I wonder what the 'T' stands for. Tiberius? Thomas?"
"Edgar, probably, but you're close."
Astrid eyed her companion, wondering if that was supposed to be a joke.
James T. Berk, meanwhile, was speaking as if he was Hamlet himself, while music played. And what was he saying? Just this:
"Twinkle…twinkle…little star
How I…wonder…what you are
Up above the…world you fly
Like a tea tray in the…sky"
Astrid had to laugh. "He can't even settle on which version to perform!" she leaned back in her chair and sipped her drink. "I love the Alice stories, you know. Always have. Especially the part in 'Looking Glass' about Haddock's Eyes. I don't know why, but I really like it."
"You like Haddock's Eyes?" Trio asked, somewhat perplexed. He decided not to mention that he liked her eyes. They were a lovely shade of blue.
"Yes I do." She took another sip.
"Have you read a lot?" Trio asked.
"It's almost all a princess gets to do. Embroider, read, show up at charities, spend hours getting fitted for dresses… that was my life before I joined the Separatists."
"You learned how to fight pretty well. That kick of yours on the Shattermaster was pretty impressive."
"Thank you. Yes, I had private lessons. I wanted to be able to defend myself." She smiled at the memories, "It took a lot of arguing before my parents agreed to self defense lessons. It's not typical of a Princess where I come from."
"You got fed up with that sort of thing, I'm guessing?"
Her tone became earnest. "I saw the corruption and tyranny of the Federation and wanted to change it. Yes, I wanted the excitement and the chance to do something important for once but, believe it or not, I also want a better life for my people and my family, and I realized we would never get that if the Federation was not replaced by a better government. Trying to change it from the inside went nowhere, so we were forced to revolt."
"How did your parents react to this?"
Her gaze softened as more memories came back to her. "Unofficially, they're very proud of me. They told me so before I left. Officially, they've disowned me."
"Oh."
"Yeah. They feared reprisals on them and our people. So they told the Federation I was a disgraceful delinquent and no longer welcome anywhere. Well, it'll turn out right in the end, once the Federation is defeated. They'll take me back and retract all the horrid things they've had to say about me."
"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself."
"Maybe I am," she said darkly. She shrugged her shoulders. "So, what about you? I gather you don't read much. Why not?"
Trio looked away. "I have read a bit."
"C'mon, Trio, this is what friend's do, isn't it? I tell you something about me, you tell me something about you." She became more serious. "Does your ship really belong to Alvin the Glut?"
"No."
"Did it?"
"Yes."
"What happened?" She eyed his mask and thought she understood. "You stole it, didn't you?"
"…I borrowed it."
"Without permission?"
"Yes, but he can have it back after I'm dead. I won't have any need for it then."
"How very considerate of you. Why'd you steal it?"
Trio sighed. "Fine." He rolled up his sleeve. On his arm were numerous scars. Astrid's eyes widened. "And there's more on the other one. And on the back. And chest. And pretty much everywhere else. It's the payment for being Alvin the Glut's stable boy."
"Stable boy!" Astrid cried.
"Yep. H. Trio, Stable Boy to Alvin the Glut. Such an honor. You know what the 'H' stands for? It stands for 'Hiccup'." He paused, but to his surprise she did not laugh. "Yeah, they called me that. The runt, the mistake, the accident, the…well, you get the idea. Oh, and the metal leg? That was Alvin's doing. He'd stepped in some manure I hadn't cleaned up yet, so he thought it was fitting I should lose a leg too. He has an ugly sense of humor." His voice trailed off as he remembered.
"What about your parents?"
He shrugged. "I have no idea. I don't remember them, and Alvin never told me anything about them—except sometimes when taunting me, so I doubt what he said was ever true. Maybe they died, maybe they abandoned me, maybe they sold me or I was kidnapped, or maybe they were sold or kidnapped, I don't know. I wonder if anyone knows…"
Abruptly he shook himself, as if to ward off the memories. "Anyway, one night I couldn't take it anymore, so I undid my chains with a picklock I'd made on the sly, snuck on board the Centennial Condor and flew away with it. Of course, Alvin figured out what happened, and he's had a price on my head ever since."
"That must be hard." Astrid said at length.
"Yeah. I have to alter my appearance every month or so. But the galaxy's a big place, so I get by."
"Have you…ever tried to find your parents?"
He smiled bitterly. "Where would I start?"
.
Backstage, Nut 1 peered out into the restaurant. "There she is. Our inquiries were correct! Now remember, you distract them with your performance. I, posing as a waitress, will go over and slip a narcotic into their drinks. Then, once they're out, we take them to Lord Dagur when he gets here, cementing our positions, removing forever the threat of deactivating, and winning for me the hand of General Eret. Got it?"
"Got it."
She turned around and gaped. Nut 2 was wearing an inflated fat suit. He looked like a balloon with legs and arms, and it was probable he would be unable to fit through a door.
"What in Loki's sweet name are you doing?"
"It's my onstage persona! I am Hubert, the fat man from Hungary! When I get up on stage I will perform music by Paul Hindemith and Georg Frederick Handel via a series of hiccups!"
"Wait a minute—Hubert the humongous Hungarian who hiccups Hindemith and Handel?"
"Harmoniously!" he proudly declared.
Nut 1 thought it over. "Well that is a distraction."
.
"So where'd 2TH come from?" Astrid asked.
"He was the Condor's maintenance robot at the time. He hated his life as much as I hated mine. Everyone treated him like an expendable machine—which he is not, by the way. He was delighted when I told him I was taking the ship. We've been best friends ever since." He stopped smiling. "He told me you were thinking of recruiting us."
Astrid chose her words with care. "The Separatists can offer you protection from Alvin's bounty."
He snorted.
"Hiccup, from what I've just heard, you know perfectly well about the evil in the galaxy. Why not fight against it?"
"Alvin's a gangster. His territories are not part of the Federation," he pointed out, "though I'm sure they would love to acquire them and his wealth if they could. Sorry, Astrid, but I really just want to be left alone."
"And just let everybody else suffer? We could use a man like you. Why not use your talents to help people?"
He did not answer.
Astrid gently put her hand on his arm. "The galaxy is in shambles, Hiccup. Why not help set it right?"
He eyed her skeptically. "And what's to guarantee that the Separatists won't turn into another Federation once they've taken over?"
Astrid had worried about that many times. "I for one won't let it happen. We've got plenty of decent and faithful people. Our government will do better. But Hiccup—I can call you that, right?—what good is it to only think about yourself? Why not fight for something better?"
"If I joined, would I get to see you much?" he asked after a silence.
Astrid was so surprised by the question she could not come up with an answer. Nor did she have the time to, because at that moment a man came over to their table.
"Astrid! Fancy that!"
Astrid's mouth fell opened. "Snot! What the heck are you doing here?" The amazement turned to suspicion in the blink of an eye. "What are you doing here? Last I heard you were incapacitated due to a toe injury!"
Snot, a short and stocky man with black hair, wearing a flying Ace pilot's suit, quailed under her hostile gaze and smiled weakly. "Oh…right. Well…it got better! Yeah, that's right. It got better after I…took some time off and relaxed a little in the…yeah, in the casino here." He muttered the final words feebly.
Astrid got to her feet, trembling with rage, and pointed an accusing finger at him.
"YOU LEFT ME ON THE SHATTERMASTER WHILE YOU DECIDED TO TAKE SOME R AND R!"
Trio pulled her back into her chair. "Keep your voice down."
Snot put his hands on his hips. "And who are you, telling a Princess what to do?"
"H. Trio. I got her off that ship." He glanced at Astrid. "Is he really one of your people?"
"I'm afraid so," she growled.
"Hey!" Snot pumped his chest out. "I'm the best pilot in the Separatists! Forgive me if I decide to take a well deserved break for once! It wasn't my fault they decided to proceed with the plan at the exact same time. They should've waited until I was ready if they needed me that badly! And just what are you doing here, Astrid? I entered the restaurant to get something to eat—and help with my recovery—and I see you sitting at a table talking to some strange man, who just happens to be a former employee of Alvin the Glut!"
Now it was Trio's turn to be suspicious. "How much did you overhear?"
"Enough to wonder how trustworthy you are." He almost snarled at Trio.
"You were eavesdropping on us!" Astrid cried.
"I wasn't! I just happened to be at a table nearby!" That was actually a lie. He had entered the restaurant and recognized Astrid almost at once. Suspicious of the man she was with, he picked a table close enough to hear their talk, until he could endure no more and felt compelled to interrupt. "I mean, for crying out loud, Astrid, he's wearing a mask! Who wears a mask if they're trustworthy?"
Trio, without really thinking about it, pulled his mask off, so Snot could see exactly who he was slandering. His angry expression made Snot pause and notice the talk was getting too noisy again. People were eying them with curiosity or annoyance.
Snot drew himself up. "On behalf of the Sep—I mean, our employers, we thank you for your efforts today. I'm sure you've done magnificently, but I can take it from here. C'mon, Ast, my ship is just outside. I'll take you to HQ."
Astrid shook her head. "Sorry, Snot, but your ship can only hold two people. We'd have to leave Dr. Ingerman behind, and he wouldn't like that. And neither would I."
Snot groaned. "Fishy's here too? Oh wonderful!"
At that moment the restaurant manager came over to them. "I'm sorry, but is there a problem here?" He spoke politely, but with an edge.
"Not at all," Trio said quickly, "Just a small chance meeting of friends. Can we get the check, please?" The manager bowed and departed.
This distraction was enough to get the three of them to cool off a little. People returned to their meals, satisfied that the scene was over.
"I suppose," Astrid said, "I should be thanking you, Snot. If you hadn't bailed on me, I wouldn't have met Hiccup or 2TH."
Snot did not appreciate the gratitude. He mumbled, "You're welcome."
"And you'll be joining us at the rendezvous, right?"
He smiled. He probably thought it was a flirtatious smile, but to Astrid it was lecherous. "I'll join you wherever and whenever you want, Ast."
"Except on the Shattermaster," Trio added.
"I was recovering, Stable Boy!"
Trio smirked. "From a toe injury?"
"They can be very painful! Oh, but you wouldn't know, would you, given that you're missing a bunch?"
"I've still got five and a metal one, and that one can inflict very painful injuries."
"Quiet." Astrid whispered. They were drawing attention again. Luckily, the manager appeared with their bill, and politely asked them to never enter his restaurant again.
As Trio worked out the payment, Snot turned to the Princess.
"For someone who just escaped from prison, you look as hot as ever."
"Save it, Snot."
"Ah, c'mon Ast, let me take you out to dinner sometime. I'll even pay the bill!"
She said "Fine." Trio stopped calculating to listen. "On three conditions: become a eunuch, do my laundry for a month, and sell yourself into slavery."
Snot was aghast. "Do laundry for a month?"
"That's the condition that worries you?" Astrid exclaimed. Trio went back to his calculating considerably relieved and amused.
"Yes! You want me to do…laundry for an entire month!"
She smiled winningly. "Those are my terms, Snot. Take it or leave it."
"I'll—is there a time limit to think this over?"
"I'm finished." Trio said, tying his mask back on. "Let's go."
Up on stage the MC announced the official public debut of Hubert the Humongous Hungarian. As the Princess and her two men stood up a waitress came over to their table.
"Can I get anyone some refills on—" to Nut 1's dismay the table was vacated at that exact moment. "Hey! You guys can't leave when I'm trying to drug—I mean—" Now people were staring at her and the manager was walking over, wondering what on earth was going on now. She sheepishly retreated to the backroom, ditched the waitress garb, and hurried out the door. "They didn't even leave a tip!"
.
Snot insisted on accompanying them back to the Condor, but he declined to come on board with them, claiming he had some work to do on his own ship. Trio grieved not. He had already developed a sharp dislike for the man, and especially did not enjoy hearing Snot's attempts to flirt with Astrid. For some reason it just did not sit well in his gut, and he was very relieved to see that Astrid did not like the flirting either, although why he felt relieved to see this was beyond him.
Upon returning they found the Doctor and 2TH bickering.
"—and if it weren't for organics, there wouldn't be any robots!"
"And having made robots, organics have proven to be incapable of controlling them! Robots are clearly superior!"
"The human brain is hundreds of thousands of times more powerful than any computer!"
"And yet homo-sapiens show a great deal of stupidity. I myself have heard a seafood peddler get asked if he sold fish!"
It was amazing, but they managed to keep this going for a couple of hours and showed no signs of letting up. Trio did not join in, finding listening more amusing. At length he remembered that all the food had been ruined in the crash, so he decided to do some grocery shopping. He would have asked Astrid to come with him but she seemed tired, and the Doctor and 2TH were still busy repairing and squabbling, so he went alone.
As soon as he left their arguments faded from his head and his thoughts kept coming back to Astrid and the things she had said to him. Sharing a meal with a kind yet tough woman had been a novelty, and he had liked it. Until Snot had turned up, that is.
He bought some food, hardly noticing what he was doing. He just kept thinking about Astrid and her offer. Suppose he did join the Separatists? Would he get to see her more? Or would he and 2TH just be another pawn in some general's strategy? He hated the thought. On the other hand, if it pleased the Princess…
He shook his head. He hardly even knew her.
On the other hand, he would hardly get to know her any better if he avoided the Separatists…
Still deep in thought, he tucked the food under his arm and turned around. And almost walked right into Socket.
The creature grinned and raised his giant gun. "Hello, Trio! This is gonna hurt!" Before Trio could react a blue flare burst from the gun and he fell to the ground.
.
When Trio woke up he found he was bound and gagged.
"Oh good, he's up!" Lady Furnacious leaned over Trio, her fanged barred as she sneered. "Caught ya this time, boy!" His eyes darted left and right and he saw he was in some kind of warehouse, surrounded by jeering mercenaries. Several of them came forward and forcefully picked him up. His mind was racing. How on earth had they found him? How was he going to escape now? What were they going to do to him?
They pushed him towards the opening of a large vat.
Turmogen suddenly looked concerned. "Guys, they only use this thing for dairy freezing. If we put him in there it might kill him."
"So?" Socket laughed, "Alvin won't care! He'll love the sight of Trio frozen! He'll probably hang him on a wall!"
"Put him in! Put him in!" other mercenaries chanted impatiently.
Lady Furnacious pulled a switch. Gasses rose from the floor and the vat made an ominous creaking sound. Trio struggled but in vain.
Suddenly a man burst in shouting "WAIT! WAIT! STOP!"
Everyone awkwardly froze in place and stared at the newcomer.
"I have a message from Alvin the Glut!"
"What does he say?" they asked urgently. They were suddenly terrified they were doing something contrary to Alvin's wishes. That would be a huge and unprofitable mistake. Trio frantically looked around for some means of escape, even a sliver of hope.
"He said to bring the boy to him at once, dead or alive."
The mercenaries burst out laughing. Lady Furnacious started the machine up again, and they shoved Trio into the vat.
"All too easy." She pulled another switch and smoke erupted from all directions. The room became incredibly cold. Breath mingled with the smoke.
A large mechanical arm came down and pulled a giant yellow block out of the vat. The front of Trio was visibly sticking out of it, as if it was a statue mold. The mercenaries jeered at the sight.
"H. Trio, Stable Boy of Alvin the Glut, Plunderer of the Centennial Condor, now frozen in a giant stick of butter!"