Chapter 9

When Trio did not return the others went out to look for him. Even Snot was called upon to help with the search, much to his annoyance, but Astrid was a Princess and Princesses expect obedience. A threat of gradual dismemberment also persuaded him. It was all for nothing. Trio could not be found. Not as much as one footprint or a hair, and as time went by and night sluggishly drifted into morning they grew even more worried.

Though the others were very disturbed about Trio's overlong and inexplicable absence, Princess Astrid was taking this turn of events very calmly. Despite the hours of fruitless searching and the anxiety over what might have happened to him, she was calm, cool, and collected, unwilling to display any sort of emotion at all.

"ARGGHHHHHH!"

All right, so I lied.

She picked up a box and threw it ferociously to the floor. "Where is he?"

"Hey!" 2TH growled, "That contains his circuit tools!"

"Why are we so worried about him?" Snot demanded impatiently. He was sitting in a corner, arms folded. "He probably just got lost."

"Lost for nearly 12 hours?" Astrid snapped, throwing herself into a chair.

"Statistically not impossible, but still improbable," the Doctor said fairly.

Snot nodded approvingly. "See? He's probably perfectly fine. Why should we worry anyway? He's a mercenary! Let's just take the ship and rejoin the Separatists and forget the Fishbone."

2TH-LS angrily zapped Snot in the leg.

"OW!"

"Serves you right for talking about my human like that!"

"The thing's a menace! It zapped me on the leg! It zapped me on the leg! It could've affected my heart and sent me into terminal cardiac arrest! I could be dead now!"

"Oh shut up," Astrid said irritably.

"That's easy for you to say! You didn't just come to within an inch of death just now!"

Astrid stood up so forcefully that Snot recoiled and retreated back to his corner.

"And anyway, is the ship flyable now?" Dr. Ingerman asked, hoping to lighten the tension.

"All it needs is the man who owns it." 2TH replied. "Unless he's on another planet, in which case we're taking off at once."

Astrid threw her arms up in exasperation. "And which planet would that be? And why?"

The Doctor went over to the ship's computer. "Perhaps I could contact the Intergalactic Lost and Found?"

Astrid's temper was getting worse. "And you think that will help?"

"Have you got a better idea? Oooh, what's this? Oh, it's just a Fanfiction popup."

Snot came over to the screen, clicked on a few pages against the Doctor's approval, and laughed. "Look at this story!" he read the opening lines, "'The Vikings of the island of Berk had long prided themselves on their raw strength and toughness.' Ha! Like anyone's ever gonna read a story that begins with that!"

Astrid frowned. Abruptly she walked over, shoved them out of the way, and began typing on the keyboard.

"Hey!"

"Mein Princess, I was using that!" the Doctor cried.

"I've got an idea. Hand me my phone, will you?"

She dialed a number and waited. After a few moments she heard ringing and snapped at the others to be quiet.

At length someone picked up the phone on the other end. Astrid put it on speakerphone. Thus they all heard the recipient say, "This is Threni, writer of Fanfictions, speaking."

"By the Living Torque, she's calling the Author!" Dr. Ingerman gasped.

"What?" 2TH said.

Astrid ignored them. "Hi, Threni, this is…a very big fan of yours. I was just—"

"'A very big fan'? How'd you get this number?" the writer asked sharply.

Astrid laughed shakily. "Well, you know how it is. Nobody's information is safe on the Net."

Threni had to concede her point.

"So…my 'very big fan', what can I do for you today?"

"Well, I was looking at your 'Adventures in Space' story, and I was just wondering what had happened to Hiccup."

"Didn't you read the previous chapter?"

"Um…" Astrid frantically typed and scrolled through pages.

Snot muttered to the Doctor. "Threni. What kind of name is that?

"It's the name of a composition by the Earthling Igor Stravinsky. Its full title is Threni id est lamentations Jeremiae Prophetae."

"I didn't understand a thing you said."

"You never do," the Doctor mumbled under his breath.

Ignoring them, Astrid found the correct chapter and read:

When Trio woke up he found he was bound and gagged.

"Oh good, he's up!" Lady Furnacious leaned over Trio, her fanged barred as she sneered. "Caught ya this time, boy!" His eyes darted left and right and he saw he was in some kind of warehouse, surrounded by jeering mercenaries. Several of them came forward and forcefully picked him up. His mind was racing. How on earth had they found him? How was he going to escape now? What were they going to do to him?

They pushed him towards the opening of a large vat.

Turmogen suddenly looked concerned. "Guys, they only use this thing for dairy freezing. If we put him in there it might kill him."

"So?" Socket laughed, "Alvin won't care! He'll love the sight of Trio frozen! He'll probably hang him on a wall!"

"Put him in! Put him in!" other mercenaries chanted impatiently.

Lady Furnacious pulled a switch. Gasses rose from the floor and the vat made an ominous creaking sound. Trio struggled but in vain.

.

Astrid's eyes widened. "Mercenaries froze him in a giant stick of butter?"

"WHAT!" the robot bellowed as Snot burst out laughing. "I'LL ZAP THEM INTO THE NEXT UNIVERSE!"

"It's not funny, Snot! It might have a terrible effect on his cholesterol levels. They might go through the roof!" the Doctor cried.

They gathered around the computer to read the rest of the chapter. Parts were reread several times out loud, for fear they might have missed a tiny detail.

"But it doesn't say where they've taken him!" Astrid cried.

"Is it not obvious? They've taken him to Alvin." The Doctor said.

"That doesn't narrow it down. Alvin has lots of palaces and hideouts." 2TH snapped.

"Say," Snot grabbed the phone, "what's going to happen next in this story?"

"Who's this I'm talking to?"

"I'm Sno—I'm a friend of your very big fan! So what happens next? Who lives and who dies? Does the character of Snot get the girl?" he added with a knowing wink at Astrid, who clenched her hands as if she was getting ready to strangle him.

Nope! I'm not giving away anything more. You'll just have to wait until the next chapter is posted, like everyone else."

"Oh come on! Please? How does the story end?"

"Yeah!" Dr. Ingerman added eagerly, "Do the Separatists win?"

There was a pause. "Um…I don't know."

Snot was incredulous. "Whaddya mean you don't know? You're the freaking author!"

"I don't know, all right? Do you think I plan out every little detail before I start writing? I keep telling myself 'I'll worry about the later chapters after I get through these ones.' At the moment all I've got in mind are a few humorous deaths for the villains and having Astrid end up becoming Hiccup's girlfriend. And I might change my mind about these things at any time."

Astrid's mouth dropped opened in surprise. Snot went from incredulousness to outrage. "Well I suggest you change your mind about that."

"Hmm. I'll consider it. But it's a plot point I've been working up to throughout the story! My readers love 'Hiccup and Astrid' moments! And it plays a major role in this too! I mean, Snot wouldn't have betrayed Hiccup to Alvin the Glut if this element had been absent."

Astrid snatched the phone back as Snot blanched. "What did you just say?"

"Well, after Snot left Hiccup and Astrid, he contacted Alvin the Glut to tell him where Hiccup is. Alvin then sent mercenaries to capture Hiccup and bring him to the planet of Tat-tooing."

All eyes turned to Snot, who had turned very pale.

Astrid clenched the phone but forcefully kept her voice level. "Why would Snot betray us like that?"

"Did I not make it apparent earlier? He thinks Hiccup's a rival for Astrid's affections. And though Astrid doesn't know it at this point in the story, he's right!"

Now it was Astrid's turn to turn pale. The Doctor was looking back and forth between the two humans. 2TH only wanted to punish Snot, but did nothing yet in case more information was about to come.

"So, yeah, that's what happened. Any other questions?"

"No, I think our curiosity is satisfied for the moment," Astrid said slowly, "Thanks for your time." She hung up and turned to Snot. As much as she was trembling with rage, Snot was trembling with fear. "So…"

Snot smiled feebly. "Um…those lies?"

"From the author?"

"They did say they change their mind a lot! Trio got what he deserved! He's a mercenary! Ast, he was trying to turn you against me!"

"Oh please, Snot. You did that yourself a long time ago."

He braced himself for the blows he was expecting. 2TH-LS was all set to deliver them. But Astrid gestured for him to stay put. "All right. So you sold Hiccup out over some petty rivalry for…for my affections. All right. Stand right here, if you would." She pointed to a portion of the floor.

"Why? What's here?"

Astrid pulled the lever. The panel opened, and Snot was catapulted out of the ship.

"And never come back!" she yelled after him. "I'm guessing that's why you have that lever, 2TH?"

"Exactly,"

She turned to the Doctor, "Right. Now that he's been dealt with, let's figure out a way to save Hiccup."

The Doctor eyed her uncertainly. "But…I am faced with a dilemma here. Shouldn't our priority be to bring the map to the High Command?"

Astrid paused. "Hiccup rescued me. Honor dictates I repay him."

"But, Mein Princess, the Separatists need the map as soon as possible, before the Federation catches up. Trio is encased in butter. He should be quite safe now. Aside from potential cholesterol increases, that is."

"Not if Alvin thaws him out and kills him."

"Unlikely, given that Threni said the plan was to have the two of you become lovers at the end of the story."

"That's not what—!"

The Doctor grew stern. "Perhaps that's why you want to save Trio first?"

"Excuse me," 2TH-LS beeped crossly. "But this ship still belongs to me and my human. Since he's absent, I decide where it will go, and I say we're going to Tat-tooing to rescue him. Your Separatist plans will just have to wait a little."

"But—"

"AND THIS IS NOT OPENED TO DEBATE!"

.

Nut 1 scanned the area through her binoculars. "All right. The Strike Team should be arriving here within the hour. All we've gotta do is keep that ship from leaving."

Nut 2 held up a detonator. "This baby's all set! I just push this button and the wings get clipped. Now you're sure this is the right ship, right?"

"Positive…hey, look!"

They heard a 'twang' sound and saw Snot shoot out of the ship and land, face first, into the sand. The two androids cheered.

"Yeah!"

"Beautiful!"

"Does our ship do that?"

.

"All right," the Doctor formally announced, "I have a plan. First, we'll need to hire a few more mercenaries. They will infiltrate Alvin the Glut's palace, posing as guards in need of employment. 2TH-LS will then enter the place with a message asking for Trio's release, offering the robot up as a gift to show our goodwill."

"Excuse me?"

"Please leave your questions until after the briefing. Now, should Alvin reject the request, Princess Astrid will then enter the palace disguised as a mercenary and claim a bounty—we'll sort out who's bounty later—and then, when night falls she will release Trio from the butter. Most likely, they will be captured, with Trio ending up in the cells and Astrid forced to become Alvin's slave girl."

"Excuse me?"

"As I said, questions must wait until the end. Now, I shall enter the palace myself and demand everyone's release. Alvin will most likely send me off to fight a monster of his. I shall…err…bring along another hired mercenary to do the fighting for me. Anyhow, then Alvin will become angry and most likely order us to all get fed to another monster. At the last possible moment Trio will activate a Laser Sword that was cunningly concealed inside of 2TH, we shall then wipe out all of Alvin's people, kill Alvin the Glut, blow up his vehicles, and fly away. It's foolproof. Any questions?"

Astrid and 2TH stared at him.

"You have got to be kidding me. That's the plan?"

The Doctor was offended. "Have you a better one?"

"As a matter of fact, I do." She held up an axe and began to sharpen it. "I found this in one of the footlockers." She pressed a button on the hilt and the blade lit up with electrical currents. "Since Alvin is one of the most loathsome people in the galaxy, my plan will be perfectly morally justifiable."

"He'll be expecting an attack of some kind. A man like him always is. And he's survived each and every one to date!" Dr. Ingerman pointed out nervously.

She smiled dangerously. "But he'll be dealing with me this time."

.

Nut 2 prepared to press the detonator.

"Wait! Look!" Nut 1 cried. A squad of Federation Fly Troopers was approaching them.

"There you are," their commander said, "Right, where are the targets? Ah! Excellent. Right, boys, guns out and sweep the area!"

"But…sir? This outfit wasn't equipped with brooms!" one of them protested.

The CO was so astounded by this he stared at the man, mouth wide opened, for a solid minute before responding. "Shut up! You're embarrassing us! Now remember: we're the Fighting Fly Troopers of the Federation. Nothing escapes us! You're the Elite! So we're gonna go in there, surround the ship, force an entrance, and stun the occupants. Then we're gonna take them all to Lord Dagur and get promotions! But remember: we're the very best of the Federation, and nobody ever gets away from us!"

The Fly Troopers nodded vigorously.

At that moment the Condor's engines roared to life and the ship flew away.

"Remember: this never happened! They were gone before we got here!"

The Fly Troopers nodded extremely vigorously.

Nut 1 pointed yet again. "Look!"

The squad of soldiers saw Snot making his way irritably through the sand, unaware that he was being watched.

.

The Separatist High Command was experiencing a great deal of distress. When the first message from Dr. Ingerman: 'Obtained targets. Delayed. Stand by.' had arrived the High Command had ordered all ships to maintain their present course and for any ship that could to dock and conserve fuel. The Commanders had found some consolation in the use of the word 'targets', interpreting it to mean that both Princess Astrid and the map were with the Doctor. But what had delayed them and how long the delay would be was anyone's guess, and a second, later message, which read 'Detour. Stand by.' did nothing to reassure anybody. And an ignorant person is dry kindling for the wildfires of Rumor and Worry. All anybody could do was wait and pray that everything would turn out alright—preferably before they all went mad from anxiety.

And then came a new message, but not from Doctor Ingerman. It was from the spy codenamed Vogue One, the very spy who had provided the information that helped Astrid obtain the map while on the Shattermaster, and it read: 'The Supreme Leader will command the Shattermaster personally.'

General Vast decided they must act on this at once.

There was a great debate about what to do. Some suggested their ships attack the area on the Shattermaster where the Supreme Leader would most likely be. Some asked why not just destroy the entire ship. Others asked why not wipe out the entire Federation fleet while they were at it. Some feared such an attack would fail and suggested Vogue One try and poison the man. Finally, General Vast offered to personally infiltrate the Shattermaster and kill Don Viggo de Cappuccino.

His tone implied that he would accept no alternative suggestion, but that did not stop the other officers from trying.

"General, we cannot let you do this. We can't afford to lose you!"

"Killing Viggo won't bring your family back!"

"You'll never even reach him by yourself!"

And so on the arguments went. General Vast heard them out and at last held up a hand.

"I can do it, and I will, regardless of what you say. My mind is made up."

"You're making this too personal." A colonel said.

"I will do it because it's what ought to be done." he retorted. "That's how I became a general in the first place."

He indeed had once been a highly decorated general in the Federation army, a proud husband and father, and as upstanding a citizen as any in the Federation. Then one day his wife and infant son disappeared. Vast himself believed they had been kidnapped and sold into slavery, for no ransom was ever demanded and no bodies were ever found. Slavers occasionally targeted Upper Class families. Among other reasons, it was a kind of revenge, in their eyes, against the privileged classes.

At any rate, that was what General Vast believed. But the Federation authorities ignored his pleas for help, which virtually ended any hope or chance of finding his loved ones. In time he became convinced the authorities themselves had been behind it, suspecting Viggo had wanted to injure a potential rival for the Supremacy. If that was the intent he had partially succeeded, for General Vast's loyalty had turned to hatred and he soon joined the Separatists.

The General thanked his fellow officers for their concerns, but added he would go with or without permission, and he wanted a ship ready within the hour. With that he left the Command deck. As soon as he left the arguing broke out again.

"Stop him!"

"How? He's got the strength of ten men!"

"He might succeed, you know,"

"Against every Federation security measure protecting Viggo? He won't have a chance!"

"You tell him that!"

"He'll never listen."

"You know he's not doing this because he wants to strike a blow for the Separatists, it's because he wants to avenge his family!"

"Why do the motives matter? He avenges his family and the Federation Leader gets the boot. Two birds with one stone."

"And there's no stopping him when he gets like this."

"Aye, he's got stubbornness issues."

"So we're going to let him go to his death?"

"If he gets his hands on Viggo it'll be Viggo who dies. He's no match for General Vast in combat."

"But will he get his hands on him? That's the real issue, isn't it? And what the heck is going on with the Princess and the Doctor? What's he mean by 'Detour'? What detour?"

In short, for the Separatist High Command things were not going as well as they might be.